No, NEVER. He is going to HAVE to quit his job.


No. You CAN limit yourself to these two options, but it is not your only two.

If you listen to everyone here and follow the PLANS we will help you with, you CAN put your M back together. Read up on Plan A and Plan B...do the best d*mn Plan A you can while you prepare for Plan B. Do NOT tell your H what Plan B is.



I know and I am so sorry...I have been there. You really do feel like you are having a nervous breakdown, don't you? I know that I did...it was one of the worst experiences I have ever been through.

That is why you need Plan B...to avoid falling deeper into that black hole.

Please start reading up on these two plans...then keep posting and let us know how it's going and we can help you with the next step.

Ok I think I am near my ending of Plan A!!! Although I have been making things a bit rough by constant questioning here and there. Should I retry my Plan A with a new approach or simply resort to Plan B? Thank you all SO MUCH! I am feeling so much better just hearing from everyone And another thing...how do I possibly prepare for Plan B?

Go back to Plan A for now (short term)...no questioning about the A, meet his ENs (whatever you think they are....Admiration is usually high for men...). Try not to bring up any relationship talk.

To prep for Plan B.. You need to find an intermediary so that there is NO contact between you and WH; get your financial sitch figured out; start figuring out child visitation.

You will want NO, ZERO, ZILCH, contact with WH during this time...hence figuring out all of this stuff beforehand, and then using the intermediary for anything that comes up (financial or child visitation stuff only).

It's not your problem where WH goes when you start Plan B...he will need to find a place to live. My H lived with his parents, but that wasn't my problem...he had to figure that out on his own.

You are not separated. He has abandoned you. It's quite different. Expose to his family again. Explain that WH is having an A with OW, that he has abandoned you, that you want to work on the marriage and make it better than ever. Separated people don't say things like "I want to make my marriage better than ever".

Just because they know doesn't mean there has been a proper exposure. It would seem like it all boils down to the same thing, but it matters very much that they hear FROM YOU that you are still committed to the marriage and that he has abandoned you for an adulterous affair with OW.

You're 100% correct. You cannot force another person to do anything. All you can do is work on making the marriage an attractive place to be. Meet ENs like you've been doing and be sure to avoid LBs too. One LB can open up a big hole that drains the old love bank dry.

He's making excuses. He likes having you and a bit on the side. For now, just drop all the relationship talk with him. You can't reason with a person that's in an affair and if you try to reason with them or educate them, it just makes them angry and pushes them away. They feel controlled and manipulated. For now focus on making the marriage the most attractive alternative.

Be sure you're not needy or clingy, as that feels suffocating to him. Meet his ENs, avoid LBs, and be active and involved in things you enjoy. Be an interesting, fun person. Have a life.

You're making assumptions. They may have been told that your WH is divorced. Or that you left him. Who knows? They need to hear FROM YOU that he has abandoned you but you are still very much interested in reconciliation and repairing the marriage.

And yes, one of them will have to quit their jobs and there must be NC for life. But that's not a bridge you have to cross now. Right now you need to expose.

He is suppose to be coming for a visit after work tonight....I will let you all know how that goes And I know you all are saying to not bring up any relationship talk to him but what about the reassurance that I need? And how long before I resort to Plan B?

Ok he didn`t make the visit due to bad weather but we talked for a bit on the phone and I did fall apart on the phone! I am losing my mind! I feel so out of control and am finding it hard to do anything but cry! I don`t know how to get myself back or at least to a medium where I can be able to function! I am developing such strong feelings of resentment towards him and wondering why I am even putting myself through this if he can`t even drop her! I don`t know what to do next or how I will even get through tomorrow. I don`t have any real friends and I am feeling so hopeless and lonely. I am on antidepressants and have been for about 4 years due to panic attacks. Did I mention this is the 3rd time he`s had a fling with a girl from work? This was the 1st time were I feel I helped create the unhappy environment. Anyway, he has transferred stores twice due to affairs with 2 other women. I am simply falling apart........can I really save this? The 1st affair was only emotional and the 2nd was not emotional only physical and now the 3rd is both emotional & physical! I did talk with him about transferring again and he agreed that he would do that. That after this ends he will do everything in his power to make me feel secure. But what do I do til then??????????I just wanna SCREAM!!!!!

Ok, has he agreed to have No Contact with this girl for the rest of his life? You're confusing me. If not, go ahead and expose to the company like I told you to - and include this sentence above!

Betty, I would call and make an appointment with Steve Harley. I didn't realize that this was his third affair and that he has already changed jobs due to affairs.

Your H has some serious boundary issues...it sounds like you do as well. Did you do any recovering or discussing or ANYTHING after his first 2 affairs???

Here is what I suggest:

~order and read the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend. You can get it used on Amazon for cheap.

~click on the link at the top of this page that says Coaching Center and call TODAY and set up an appt. with Steve Harley.

Keep Plan A'ing but DO NOT beg or plead with him to end the A and come home. Waywards do not like that and it doesn't do any good anyways.

You need to act quickly because you are starting to lose it, and rightly so. It's maddening when I see spouses do this to each other...the one person they vowed to promise and protect.

(((hugs)))

Ok, he said once he ended this with the girl he would have no problem transferring once again and have NO CONTACT with her! What I meant before was that he had two previous affairs which I did have therapy over and we worked through which resulted in him transferring jobs. As for exposing to the company I have contacted the store manager and the home office which both pretty much laughed at me and said there were no violations being violated and they could not control infidelity! My husband said once he got out of this he would NEVER EVER go down this road again.And that this was the absolute hardest thing he`s ever been through. I feel he is sincere but I am overwhelmed! As for meeting Dr.Harley....were is he located and I don`t have much money!I do feel like my husband is trying his best to spend more time with me and less with her, when he`s not working he either here or calling me so theres really no time for the OW. I am not defending him I just am feeling a bit more optimistic.

Have you read the information here about the steps you should take? They include you having access to all his passwords, including his cell phone, so you can check every day to see who he talks to - and deletions have to be explainable. They include him telling you where he is at all times of the day and with whom. They include him writing a No Contact letter that YOU verify and send yourself. They include therapy for him to find out why he feels he has the right to stray. And they include your therapy to learn why you have no boundaries concerning him.

Is he willing to do all that?

Betty,

Are you kidding me? He has had 3 affairs already and you believe he is sincere and you are optimistic? As was already stated, your H has serious boundary issues and so do you. There will always be pretty young things working at Walmart so if he transfers to another location you will be right back in a world of hurt sooner or later. Unless, this time you do things differently. Buy the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and read it cover to cover. Get couseling with the Harleys. Your H needs to understand that he is not putting EP's (extreme precautions) into place to protect you and the marriage. You also need to read everything you can on this site and become familiar with the LB (love bank) concept. Based on your posts yours is running low so Plan B is in order relatively soon.

Now, start reading! Become a sponge! Read other posts! Knowledge is power and you need it and a good plan desperately right now.

Mindshare

Ok, I really feel like I need to transition into plan B now, if only for the sake of my sanity! Do I tell him what I am doing or do I just withdraw myself without explanation? I am so scared
I am so afraid he`ll take this as an easy way out and I know if he does I am better off! I just need support!

Betty,

I know you feel like you got hit by a 2x4 after my last post but it's time for you to get some self respect and dignity. WH has had three A's already!!

Plan B is not a game. If it is not executed properly it could cause more harm then good. Plan B is about withdrawing from the situation completely to protect the remaining love you have in your LB for H. In order to start Plan B you need to prepare in advance. You need to figure out how the children will be handled. You will need to find a IM to handle all communications between you and WH. Have you read up on Plan B on this site? Once you have figured out all of the logistical things then you will need to write a Plan B letter to WH that will outline why you will no longer be communicating directly with him and what your conditions are to return to the M and work on recovery. There are others that have much more experience with the Plan B letter and will hopefully come along soon and post some examples or links to examples for you.

It sounds like the timing may be right for Plan B but you need to get your ducks lined up first. While you are planning for Plan B you should be executing your best Plan A so WH will get one last glimpse at what he will be missing when you go dark.

You can do this. Time to be strong and get back your self-respect and dignity. Nobody deserves to be with a serial cheater. Demand more for both you and even more importantly for your children. Keep posting here and ask for help/advice. There are so many amazing people here that have been where you are and can help you. Learn from their wisdom!!!

Mindshare

Betty,

slow down for just a sec, ok? Breathe... deep breathe... ok, one more...

Ok. Maybe it is time to go to Plan B. You have the final say in that. BUT... wait just a sec... you want to do it the RIGHT WAY. Going into Plan B willy-nilly, and going back and forth, is worse than no plan at all.

Have you read about Plan A and B? Have you done the best Plan A you can muster? Will you be leaving him with a good memory of your Plan A? Did you show him that you can eliminate all LBs and that you can meet his ENs better than the OW?

Do you have an IM lined up? Have you written your PBL, and posted it here for comments? Have you planned out your final PA evening and how to give him the PBL?

Ok I have tried and tried Plan A til I am exhausted emotionally and getting little in return. Over this weekend with their dad I found out they all paid her a visit at work and she sent my kids some cookies and brownies. Also she is planning on buying one of my sons a wallet!!!!!!! I have spent the past few days doing nothing but crying and feeling helpless! I have someone who can handle our affairs with the children and all of that! I feel so weak and I simply can not continue this way anymore! This is a NIGHTMARE! I need HELP!!!!!!!!!
I know through all this I have lost my self worth and dignity and I have no clue how to even begin to ragain it!!!

Plan B will help you begin to get your feet back under you, and to redefine yourself as someone other than a BS who is getting jerked around. Plan B is about taking care of yourself and about protecting yourself from the emotional damage and disrespect of the A. It is intended to help you protect the remaining love you have for your WH...but for my money it is an absolutely necessary step to save your own sanity if the marriage hasn't been recovered in Plan A. All BS's - especially those that do a really good Plan A - have GOT to get away from all of the insanity in order to begin recovering and clear their own heads of all the fog.

Who is your intermediary? Does that person understand that their role is simply to relay questions to you IF they seem important/realistic (in other words, they are not just about jerking you around). The intermediary needs to be able to "censor" input from the WS and relay to you "just the facts". They sometimes have to be strong because some WS's will try to run around them or try to run over them.

Are your finances set up such that you will not need to contact WS once you go into Plan B?

Have you thought about your Plan B letter? Would it be helpful to you to see some examples (or have you already)?

Take the time to figure out how you will live your life, day by day, with absolutely no direct contact with your WS. That can help you "chase out" anything you haven't thought of.

Then, when you are ready, hand him the PBL and go dark.

BTW - you don't have to have the answers to all of this tonight...these are just meant as pointers to what you will need to do to put an effective Plan B in place that you are able to maintain over time.

It is amazing what happens when you have been free of all the craziness for a couple of weeks. You will feel sad and lonely sometimes but you will also begin to realize that you're no longer on the merry-go-round and that, BY ITSELF, will help you to regain your dignity.

Your self worth hasn't changed. You're still worthy. Your self-esteem has taken hits - because we all look to our spouses to see our reflection there, and hope that it will be a loving and positive reflection. When the WS is having an A and what we get back is disrespect and insensitivity, it takes us a while to build back up our self-esteem - we have to find new ways to do that. But that, itself, is a valuable endeavor, because we learn to give this to OURSELVES.

Slow down, take the time to write out what you will need to do in order to go into a steady-state Plan B. Also, if you haven't yet, read all the material available on this site (from Dr. Harley) about Plan A/B and what to do to set up a successful Plan B.

Then find something good to do for yourself tonight -- take a long bath with a glass of wine - do whatever is special and "pampering" for you.

We're here for you.

- M

Betty - another thought. I don't know if it helps you to read what others have written on things like self-esteem - for me, it depends entirely on the piece. I find that I return to this one again and again and find something different in it each time. I offer it with that thought it mind.

- M




I accept myself completely.

I accept my strengths and my weaknesses,
my gifts and my shortcomings,
my good points and my faults.

I accept myself completely as a human being.

I accept that I am here to learn and grow,
and I accept that I am learning and growing.

I accept the personality I've developed,
and I accept my power to heal and change.

I accept myself without condition or reservation.

I accept that the core of my being is goodness
and that my essence is love,
and I accept that I sometimes forget that.

I accept myself completely, and in this acceptance
I find an ever-deepening inner strength.

From this place of strength, I accept my life fully
and I am open to the lessons it offers me today.

I accept that within my mind are both fear and love,
and I accept my power to choose
which I will experience as real.

I recognize that I experience only the results
of my own choices.

I accept the times that I choose fear
as part of my learning and healing process,
and I accept that I have the potential and power
in any moment to choose love instead.

I accept mistakes as a part of growth,
so I am always willing to forgive myself
and give myself another chance.

I accept that my life is the expression of my thought,
and I commit myself to aligning my thoughts
more and more each day with the Thought of Love.

I accept that I am an expression of this Love.

Love's hands and voice and heart on earth.

I accept my own life as a blessing and a gift.

My heart is open to receive, and I am deeply grateful.

May I always share the gifts that I receive
fully, freely, and with joy.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

Thank you so much for that! I need that pounded in my head! I have written my Plan B letter and am preparing myself to take control back over my life! I am realizing that he doesn`t own this and all the decisions are not his to make. I also realize that I have put my all in saving my marriage and if he walks away from that then I MUST accept it and move on!

And if he walks away, he's even stupider than you thought!

If he walks away, you can thank him for being your lessons learned and teaching you how to pick a BETTER husband next time!

WS's can be so stupid...

You need to read the information on this site first! Plan A and Plan B only work if the guidelines are followed.

Doing a half A$$ed plan B makes things worse.

There are quite a few plan b letters posted on this site.
If you post yours, I'm sure people here will help you edit this before you send it.

For right now:
Follow plan A.

Read about plan B. Do it once, do it right.
Do you have your financials in order?
Do you have a IM?
Does that person understand what the job is?

Read the stitch by T2L (trying 2 live) she has recently gone thru what you are beginning to. It shows the real face of plan A and plan b

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you are here (the club no one wanted to join) -but I know you are in the best place you can be now.