A husband who takes foolish risks with his marriage and has no intelligent boundaries. Traveling jobs are an INVITATION to affairs. Again, Roy, it is not lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

But, it is your marriage to squander. We have warned you and that is all we can do. You are free to take or leave the advice you get here.

I know the effort she put into the marriage early on when I was being distant and pushing her away... she was the one who wanted things to work before we separated. She's putting that same effort into our marriage now. It's a night and day thing. If she's pursuing other interests, she will not be able to do the things she's doing now. I'm putting a tremendous amount of energy into the marriage right now, that's what's different from the past.

Barring this deviant 50th birthday party... I wish I wouldn't have brought it up.

OK, no traveling jobs. I'm sorry, but that's way over the top. Then I shouldn't take business travel, either??

Why is that over the top?

I don't travel for my job. Most people don't, as a matter of fact.

It is EXACTLY the same type of M that everyone that has posted to you has ... a M that has been tarnished by an A.

If it were me, and I had gotten 3 pages of responses ALL of which telling me I'm making a HUGE mistake ... I think I would listen to them ... not because I would think they were automatically right, but because I would question MYSELF about what I believed.

When DOZENS of people that SHARE A COMMON PAIN, ALL tell you that this is a bad idea ... its probably time to have a talk with your WW about attending this cluster@#$& of a party.

... and LISTEN to KRAZY ... there should be flying everywhere in your head that your WW even WANTS to attend this party.

IMO, this is one of those DEFINING moments in your relationship ... if your WW WANTS to attend this party ... I'd let her go ALONE and arrange to have her SERVED with a divorce petition while there ... right in front of OM and toxic GF.

Roy, you should do whatever you want. It is your life and you are a big boy. We are just telling you that if you want to have an affair proof marriage then you should not spend the night apart again because it is an invitation to an affair.

No one is telling you WHAT to do, we are just telling you if you want what we have, this is what you do.

Your marriage is a mess, ours is not. Your best thinking led you to this terrible place; it won't get you out.

When the OM picks up a hors 'douvre weenie and points it over to you then tell us how you laughed it off.

Roy, you are the guy who got hit by a car playing chicken who is insisting he should continue playing chicken; that it will be different now. We are just telling you if you don't want to get hit again, then common sense would dictate you get out of the road.

If you don't care about getting hit again, then keep playing chicken. It is all the same to me.

You expect that your marriage will be different without making any changes. I fear disappointment will be your lot in life with that foolish notion.

I beginning to think that it is you that has the problem. It sounds like you are wallowing in a little bit of insecurity.

No, just pointing out some consequences you may endure. But hey, your a big he-man, you can deal with it!

Ok, for the third time - HAVE YOU READ ANY MB PRINCIPLES????

ALL that you're doing and arguing with us about is the exact opposite of what Dr. Harley recommends. If you're not going to read what he says, implement his principles, or take the advice you're being given, why on earth are you here??

This is EXACTLY what my WAYWARD HUSBAND said to me.......

I understand you want a marriage that you can trust your wife, I understand she did a lot of work in the marriage early on and you didn't but now that marriage has been TAINTED by an AFFAIR.....you can NEVER EVER have it back. Sucks I know. Mourn it you will, but it can NEVER EVER BE.....

Right now, you are trying to build a NEW MARRIAGE one that doesn't have an affair taint all over it. And in this NEW MARRIAGE just starting out, no there is no trust. She has broken it all. And somehow, you have twisted what you did earlier on in your OLD MARRIAGE to make going to this party OKAY......

Your wife has DISPLAYED that she has no boundaries.....
She has PROVEN that....and even though she THINKS that she would NEVER DO IT AGAIN......she could.....

The other man is her heroin and you are letting it be in her presence. And if/when contact starts back up, you will have NO ONE to blame but YOU.......


I urge you, plead with you.....PROTECT YOUR WIFE......if she means as much as you write, then step up and do the right thing and PROTECT HER......

Take her away for that weekend......FAR FAR FAR AWAY.....

it does not matter how many "other" people's feelings you hurt by not going, they are not in your marriage....and if you VALUE your marriage you will not do this.....

Like I said, this is akin to letting my DD spend the evening with her MOLESTER.......I would TRUST my DD to say NO, but I WOULD NOT TRUST THAT MONSTER NOT TO DO ANYTHING......

screw saying "I need to trust my wife".....you shouldn't trust HIM....and by going to this party, you are saying just that to him....


not2fun

Roy, maybe you need to hear it repeated over and over again.

Maybe you need to see it from this point of view...


Why does this have to be about you and how you feel in terms of confidence?

Exposing your wife to a addiction she is trying to quit is not something a caring spouse would do.

Screw the fracking party, who does it help?

I don't know if everyone responding to this thread has read Roy's previous threads.

This is not a garden-variety affair. Roy and his wife were separated for over a year when this happened. They met on occasion for dates and sf, and otherwise had little to do with one another. That was by Roy's choice.

His wife is not a typical WW who went off and had an affair. After over a year of this separate lifestyle, she apparently concluded there was no chance of the marriage ever being a real marriage. She thus decided to go out and start dating.

I didn't see any evidence of withdrawal on the part of Roy's wife. When he told her he wanted to save the marriage, and when he demonstrated he would put in the effort needed to save the marriage - she dropped the OM immediately.

This party is a bad idea... and it would be awkward for everyone involved... but I don't think his wife will be set back on her withdrawal clock, because there was no withdrawal to begin with.

Roy...

A bit of anecdotal advice...

My affair was with an old high school/college boyfriend...

Mr. W and I were early in recovery and posting here...We knew that my high school reunion was about a year off (where OM was likely to be)...We very c o c k i l y planned on attending...After all, we were in the "honeymoon" part of the recovery phase...We could soooooooo handle it...OM posed no threat to US...HMMPH! So nyah!

I was strong and in love w/ Mr. W...Mr. W knew he was the better man...We knew it all...(sound familiar yet?)

Then we both watched in horror as a real popular FWW here started up her affair again because she happened to run into OM one day (incidentally also an old high school boyfriend)...BLAM...It was back on like a chicken bone (that rhymes in Southern speak! )...The terrors that that situation sent through this forum are still prevalent in some today...

It woke me the hell up though...I went immediately to Mr. W and said, "NO WAY are we going to any class reunion of mine EVER!!!", and he agreed...Our marriage and family are simply too important to us to take stupid risks...We finally got that it was BEST to defer to the professional...Dr. Harley says that there will forever be a low burning flame for the OP and that it can be reignited at any time...Why in the world would you play Russian Roulette with your marriage? Make no mistake about it, that IS what you will be doing if you go to this party...

And I agree with Krazy, it should send red flags a flyin' that your wife isn't getting this stuff...You guys need to sit down and pound out a treaty with reality...

Mrs. W

P.S. I also had an affair promoting friend that I dropped of my own accord...Your marriage must become Priority Numero Uno to BOTH of you...

OK, yeah, I didn't see it that way. As my wife's addiction that I'm exposing herself too. If you read about what went on in my circumstance though... I'm not sure it was an addiction. I'll have to give this one some thought. Of course, I wouldn't want to put temptation in front of her. I don't think I would be doing that.

It really doesn't matter what the circumstances where....it would still be a "fanning" of the flames if you will.....

I personally think YOU want to do this for you...

to stroke YOUR ego...

to show YOU WON....

to show that YOU are the better man....

which, you are, but you really should not do this at your wife's expense.....

NOTHING GOOD can come from attending this party....NOTHING...

not2fun

Just got caught up on ole Roy's sitch.

A past adulterer in his first marriage I see.

Karma bus came to get 'em.

Roy, go to the party, do some shots, tie one on, have fun!

Forget the addiction. Where is your pride? Where is your self respect.

You're going to a party to honor a woman who introduced an affair into your marriage and the OM will be there.

It's beyond comprehension how you could vouluntarily do this.

It has nothing to do with insecurity. Nothing to do with recovering your marriage. It has everything to do with self respect and you're telling your WW by going that you have none.

It's an indirect way of saying, "go ahead, do it again. I'll take it and stay with you regardless."

Your pain doesn't matter? Looking this other man in the eye that scr*wed your wife doesn't matter?

"I've got my biker gotee going on, so I'll be in full intimidation mode. Fortunately I'll have some of my homeboys there... one guy is a bigger dude than I am."

As NC relates to your WW:

No contact, NC, is just that. It's not just no talking. It's not seeing, hearing, writting. NC is just no nothin is allowed.

Your WW does not need to see the OM. Your WW does not need to just say hello or any other little inocent chit chat.

Everyone in life has to pay the price for their actions. Was her GF worth the price? This GF set up your WW with the brother of her BF. This GF set up a married woman with a lover. Your WW may feel that her affair was not worth the cost of the affair. That giving up her toxic friend is over paying on her part.

Tough. Everyone has to deal with buyers remorse. WW bought something that was not worth the value she thought it was.
She still has to pay.

People that encourage wives to become WW are not good friend material.

How is it wise to allow this women into your lives post affair?


NC as it relates to you:

You have already been told by other's here and will not repeat what they said.

Though by what you said:

"I've got my biker gotee going on, so I'll be in full intimidation mode. Fortunately I'll have some of my homeboys there... one guy is a bigger dude than I am."

You by going to this party you have only one intention to imtimidate the OM. Who can piss the highest on the tree.

OM don't intimidate. Their sneaks. The don't opperate in the daylight the come around when your not there.

What are you going to do if the OM smirks at you, points you out to others, touches you WW, asks her to dance, gives WW a hug when he greets her at the party? Is bigger, or has bigger friends, more friends there at the party with him?

You need to grow up. If you did you would realize that going to this party is bad, and WW keeping toxic friend is bad.