Point taken Mel,
I was doing a good job of staying dark until this bombshell hit, I thought she had a right to know, but mayne should have just told her and gone dark again straight away

Hi Braeworth

You can't control what your wife gives you. You can only control what you will take from her.

She is a manipulative, entirely selfish wayward now, and has been for ages.

You can't change that behaviour, you can only decide if you are willing to accept only that from her.

If you would rather have the septic crumbs of the vile marriage you can have with your WW now, than the risk of a dignified divorce, then surrender unconditionally, quit any attempt to MB, beg her to move back in. Tell her she can see OM if she wants as long as she is nice to you and helps you get past this health scare then for God's sakes do it NOW. Stop wasting your effort and hope.

You have to be willing to lose the corrupt marriage you have in order to have a chance of building the marriage of your dreams.

Hope won't change your situation. You have been given all the tools that have been proven time and time again to end affairs and kickstart recovery , and yet you hesitate to use them.

I suspect you contacted your WW about your health scare hoping she might take pity on you and be nice to you. I did something similar but soon after d-day. I now WINCE in shame to recall it.

At this point Brae Mel and myself care much more about your dignity than you seem to. If your dignity does not attract your WW, do you WANT her back ? Do you want a woman that requires indignity from her H in order to remain in a relationship with him ?

I would rather be divorced with my dignity intact, than looking for opportunities to capitulate in order to get WW more in my life.

Good luck with the scan.

Got the all clear on Friday, turns out it was a cyst not the Big C. I cant describe the relief.

Now for an update on the M situation.
DD is in a pantomime and had a rehearsal yesterday. WW dropped her off and I picked her up. WW's Aunty is involved in this production and as I have mentioned before, she is a good woman and has been a great support to me and DD during all this.
When I picked DD up she came out to the car to talk to me, she said that she had been talking to WW and that WW had told her that
" She now knew that she did not want me out of her life, that she was now sure that she still wanted to be my W and still wanted our M and our family. She now thought that she wanted to come home"

I told Aunty that I still wanted our M and wanted WW to come home, but there were conditions for this to happen and WW knew what these were, they had been outlined to her in my letter.

Not sure what this was all about, WW would have known that I would probably speak to her Aunty when I picked up DD, dont know if she was sounding me out or playing games to get me to break Plan B. Anyway, I am trying to not think too hard about this and am just letting it ride and staying dark. I have only been back in Plan B for a couple of weeks. Did think about holding out an olive branch in another couple of weeks like Dr Harley suggested to Tully, but have got plenty of time to think about that and to get pinions from the vets on here

Brae,

Sounds as if progress is being made. I would go slow, and check all of the boxes, although I suspect you would like her back "right now" . Still, the rollercoaster ride may be slowing, but you notice no one including your W is saying it is safe to remove the seat belts.

"Steady as she goes" seems to me to be what your plan should be.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Almost forgot. Great news on the medical front.

JL,
Thanks, I am staying dark and although it is hard I am trying to not read too much in to this or think about it too much.

WW has to make the next move and until then I will just carry on with Plan B.

Whatever you do, STAY DARK, braeworth. She is probably just testing to see if she can draw you out of Plan B. The WS usually makes noises like this FIRST to see if she can get you out of Plan B and keep you BOTH meeting her needs. She is probably feeling the pain from the Plan B and wants to see if she can get YOU to do the adjusting and not her.

Hi Mel,
Yes I am staying dark and did think this as well. Maybe I am giving her too much credit but I am not sure she would say these things to her Aunty who is like a mother to her, since both her parents died, as she knows how much her Aunty wants her to come home.
Anywsy, I plan on doing nothing and just sitting it out, see what transpires.

Yes, you are giving her too much credit. You are going by WHAT SHE SAYS and not by what SHE DOES. That has been your biggest downfall, my friend! Never listen to the drunken rantings of a falling down drunk.

TALK IS CHEAP!!

I here you Mel,
Just she will lose so much face with her Aunty, if she says all this and just carries on the way she is. This is something she would not want.

Anyway, staying DARK and trying not to think about this too much

Please step away from the CRACK PIPE, braeworth!!

One has to HAVE FACE in order to lose it. She is shacking up with her OM in an adulterous affair after abandoning her family, braedworth. Her "fear" of losing face did not stop her from doing that.

I believe you overdid the crack today, friend.

Point taken Mel,
As I said staying dark. Did think about the olive branch, in a couple of weeks, as suggested to Tully, but I will see what developes and then seek advice from vets such as yourself before doing anything like that

I am concerned that you seem to be very anxious to offer her an olive branch at a critical time when you have to be establishing some credibility in Plan B. Especially after you continually broke Plan B in the past.

No Mel,
I am staying dark, just thought, maybe in a few weeks, but I will put that on the back burner and wait and see what WW does next

Brae:

Been following your thread (lurking) - haven't chimed in of late but will today (although I certainly don't think Mel needs any help) -

DON'T DO IT. You made it clear to her what the conditions were for talking again, right? She knows what she has to do.

My WH has been talking to SS2 (stepson 2) and making noises about "feeling terrible" and "being very upset" about what has happened to me (financially/business-wise) and has been trying to find ways to make it up to me (sending me stuff I left at the house, forwarding mail that the Post Office missed, etc.). It's all B.S. - cheap "talk", maybe the price of an envelope or a package sent - nothing else.

Still seeing the 'ho 5 days out of 7 AT MY HOUSE.

Still complaining (out of the other side of his mouth) that I'm making it hard on him by not just signing D papers.

"Crack" is perfect. Brief high, followed by big crash, headaches, and more withdrawal.

Make her do some damn work if she's serious. You're worth it.

- M

Hi Miriam,
Thanks for taking the time to post to me while you are dealing with your own problems.
I will take everyones advice, I will stay dark and see what transpires.
WW's comments to her Aunty seem to be a bit of a sea change but I will wait and see what she is prepared to do about it, as Mel pointed out, look at her actions not her words

Sorry I kinda complained there ("kinda"?) -

My point - before I hijacked myself - was that lots of waywards make noises. Mel's right, you're right - it's actions that count.

thinking of you -

- M

Miriam,
You dont have to apologise, I appreciate you taking the time to post to me when you are dealing with your own situation.
You and Mel are both right, will just have to sit back and see if WW makes any attempt to come home

Why did your wife have to move back in with the OM, who she says now is just a platonic friend and not another family member? Its like an alcoholic moving into a upstairs apartment above a bar but saying they will not drink. Yeahhhh Righttttt!!!!

Brae,
Just finished reading your thread. If you break plan B again I will come over to break your legs, both A and B. But seriously, please stop capitulating to this woman.


You still are not getting the message that everyone is trying to tell you!!!!!!! Stop waiting and seeing what WW does next. STOP. Move on with your life. I am not saying that means shutting the door on the possibility of reconciliation and a great marriage with her. But you must STOP waiting for her. If or when she decides to commit to marriage then you can think about it. Until then STOP thinking about it.

If you read my advice to Kangkok you will see I am all for a great plan A and continuing it if there is signs of progress. I tried to implement plan B as well for all of 1 night. I got my plan B letter off to my WW that evening and guess then who was up all night texting me at 2am mad as he11 and threatening me about ruining our son's birthday and Christmas? She was. While I finally got the first good nights sleep in a long time (back in Dec 07).

When I returned for some personal items the next morning she broke down and we both agreed to save our marriage. I moved back home. Guess what? She continued seeing him for another month. Should have respected myself and kept plan B. Instead I now have an incident in our marriage that I can never forgive her for. Never. If I would have kept plan B I would not have that resentment.

So I am not coming at this from a righteous standpoint but from the standpoint of helping you be the great person you deserve to be without this cancer (WW) in your life. Plan B is for YOU YOU YOU. Not to convince her of anything, not to sway her decisions or actions, but to protect you and help you move away from the horrors and heal emotionally. Previous poster is correct that your emotional and physical health are closely tied together.

I won't go so far as to say you deserve to be happy as I really am not sure any of us deserve it, but you do deserve respect. Start by respecting yourself. Do not keep "if-ing this if-that" with WW. This just keeps letting her know that you are still right there waiting. She already has all the if's she needs to know.
This is you waiting for her again. 2x4 THUMP! STOP it.

From the song, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me sock it to me sock it to me." Everyone here is trying to sock you into respecting yourself. Sing it at the top of your lungs. Now repeat.

Besides, you really want to know what your WW will be attracted to? Whimpering or a man of self confidence who can draw the line in the sand and not cross it? Self confidence will come from self respect which will garner much more attraction from WW then anything else. Look at the male role models in WW's life. What were they like?? Compare to self.

WS's, were you tempted to return to marriage by a spouse who was begging or pleading and capitulating??? Or did you think twice about returning when you saw BS getting a life and moving on without you??

Brae,
Please don't misinterpret my posts as heartless as I really feel your pain and I know what its like to think of life without the family and wife you had. Very painful. {{{HUGS}}}

But my guess is your pain will subside quicker if you hold your head up and respect yourself.