Doesn't your MC realize that an affair IS A BIG DEAL??? I'd get a new MC if I were you. It's like someone coming into the emergency room with a severed leg and the ER staff fussing over whether he's got a receding hairline or not.

So what's the plan ... do you know of a reputable attorney in your area that you could retain for this purpose?

With that said ... if you have a WW that won't as much as send a NC letter to OM for YOUR piece of mind ... let the slime ball attorney have her ... it would be the best revenge you could ever have!!!

Excatly. I will actually do all of it.

- Phone call, OM Letter, and Legal letter. He will get all the artillery.

And you'll still be sitting there with a wife who won't even write a NC letter.
So you'll be wondering if she's really into recovering the marriage or not.
So this phone call, letter, and legal letter will do nothing to restore your trust in your wife.

Your wife has to earn your trust. You can't force recovery by yourself. She has to do her part too.

I just got of the phone with a lawyer that I had consulted before. They said they can't help me. Is not a legal issue; it's a moral issue.

They also said there might be a lawyer who would take my money for doing this but it will make no difference.

Kingrat,

I just went back and read your initial thread ... and I'm sorry, but I withdraw all past advice.

You are M'd to a cancer ... she has had a relationship with the OM for twice as long as she's known you and refuses to give that up.

The only thing you need an attorney for is to handle your Plan D ... let the POSOM have her ... it will be your best revenge.

Kingrat,

If you live in any of these states: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, or Utah, you could file an "alienation of affection" suit...

Mrs. W

KR, Here are my edits. The following post is what I would have written, if I had to.

SB




To OM:
I'm aware of the affair you have with my wife. YYYYY and I have spoken honestly and we are both determined to make our family work. We love each other and we intend to heal our marriage.

You call yourself a “man of value”. There is no value in doing what you have done with my wife YYYYY. There is no value in destroying families. There is no value in adultery. There is no value in divorce. There is no value in invading someone else’s family hurting innocent people.

Someone who does this would be called a homewrecker, not a “man of value”.

I love YYYYY and I love DDD; I’m willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage to our marriage. That includes notifying you that I’m aware of what has transpired and asking you to not contact her anymore. YYYYY has recommitted to our marriage, and has committed to never contact you again.

Please reconsider any intentions you may have of contacting YYYYY in any way shape or form, at any time, under any excuse. I’m asking you man to man. It would be best if you resist the temptation you will have after you are done reading this letter. You do not want to be someone who contributed to the destruction of a family; its baggage no one wants.

Sincerely,
XXXXXX

I actually DO live in one of those states. The OM is from a different state though.

KR, can it be put any more succinctly than this? -

MRev is correct - your wife will neither write nor sign an NC letter because she simply does not want to. She does not want to close, lock and seal that one last door for an OM she has known and loved even longer than she has known and loved you.

IMO, take saying in your M under advisement.

I have gonne through those thoughts. I have colsulted a lawyer and I will retain and begin proceedings if necessary. However she has discontinued contact since d-day, she changed her number (it was a big deal to her). She has given signs of recovery but this issue of the NC letter is still outstanding and its bugging me that she does not want to engage him.

It seems like she wants to keep him in the dark. She just wants this to "go away" without a NC letter.

All of that is irrelevant in my mind now that I've read your whole story.

Proceed directly to Plan D ... AND GET A PATERNITY TEST ON YOUR D!!!

No, she's just leaving the door ajar!

No NC letter....no marriage!

OM,

It has come to my attention that you have had an affair with my wife.

My wife has chosen to resume her marriage with me, because she recognizes that, while you present yourself as a "man of value", I have much more value as an honest man who does not seek married women for casual sex and then cast them aside when I have finished using them for my sleezy entertainment. She has CHOSEN ME.

Because of your slimy behavior, my wife has been devastated. Her relatives now look at her differently, and she is working hard to recover the trust we once had in our relationship. She finds herself shocked at her own actions, having betrayed her own morals with your help.

My wife and I are sending this letter jointly to inform you that we do not want you to ever contact us again. Do not contact her, me, or our family ever again by any means: this includes by mail, telephone, telegraph, parcel post, delivery service, text messaging, electronic mail, in person, or by any other means possible. The memory of you is sickening to my wife and she must have peace from all of it.

KR and YYYYY

Okay. I do not disagree. But the NC LETTER has to be out of her own willpower. NOT FORCED BY ME.

If I force it. I will not believe it. It's a catch 22.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

KR, if I recall, this affair was sexual many years ago, before you were married, and since has been some sexually provocative chats which stopped a month or more ago.

I'm not sure anything is needed anywhere near that first letter.

I would get W to agree to NC, put NC measures in place, then MAYBE send the guy an email like that:
================================
I have seen and filed the sexually suggestive chats and emails you have had with my wife. I will know if you attempt contact again. If you feel that is appropriate in a marriage, I suggest we discuss this with your wife. Any further contact at all with my wife, anything, ever, for the rest of our lives, and we can all have that discussion about boundaries as two couples and see what we can all agree upon.
================================

How do i get the W to agree to send the NC Letter?

OP, maybe you are obsessing just a bit on your wife sending an NC letter a bit too much

1) Is there complete NC ?
2) Is she remorseful for what she has done ?
3) Is she being open and honest with you ever since ?

I would watch her like a hawk. If there is slightest hint that she is making contact with OM then move to Plan B.

I would not spend the time or energy in writing to the OM. Just NOT worth it. Dont do it unless your wife can do it on her own.

You just answered your own question above:



How do you GET her to agree? You don't. She agrees of her own volition or not at all.

Charlotte

But how can I move on with healing my marriage if this scumbag still does not know he was caught? He is still believing he can contact her and engage her. I feel that he needs to know he was caught and he needs to know the relationship is OVER.