:crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy: :crosseyedcrazy:

I bet he's NOT with her (or it's going badly) but he's just too proud to admit it.

I wonder if he thinks that you'll DEMAND that he goes to church if he comes home. Would that be an absolute boundary with you?

Being a preacher's kid, there have been times in my life when I've grown weary with the church, but I always return because it helps me to recharge to deal during the week.

Just throwing this out there... but, could he have been trying to make it look like HE is trying for reconciliation to your daughter but You are the one impeding it?

Well, at any rate, back to Plan B. Don't make the mistake I did by constantly breaking it. I kept hoping that WS was going to have something new to say. He would call me at work and pretend that he had something to discuss, but it always turned out the same - he was continuing with the OW.

{{{{LIL Neakie Pooh}}}}}


Oh my gosh Thank you so much for the present!!!!!



How so very sweet of you!!!!

I feel so very blessed today that I have all of my new friends on this forum. Y'all already know it, but I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! Every post from you all is like a super boost and a shot of strength to me. This place is the only true place at any kind of recovery whether personal or marital. God so totally led me here. i mean I read several books but this is the place he sent me to. So glad you all took the time to help me and everyone else.

I seriously would not have made it this far, or at least sanely, not even sure if I am still sane LOL, without hearing from everyone here.

So, yesterday H took DD17 shopping for my b-day, not sure how he did it. She said he used a credit card. But anyways the kids got me an hour and half massage today at 4:30 I am so stinking excited !!!!! Ok sorry they bought me a new purse-Love it!!! And bought me a gray eye shadow trio-Yippee!!!! Sorry okay now you here my overly girly side if that's possible? Did I mention I LOVE BEING A GIRL!!!! And then I got a lil pressie from the most famous, super talented Neak(BTW I LOVE READING)!

Kids are still sleeping since it the holiday, its abt 9:15 here, so I think I will crawl back in to bed and read for bit while its quiet.

I love my Birthday!!!!

Ya know I did ask DD17 why do you think he said all that to you and mentioned none of it to me and she got a really puzzled look on her face and says IDK.

I thought maybe the fog cleared just a little, but at the sound of my voice it dropped right back down since he is not fully broken of the pride and entitlement. I mean that's my thoughts, not sure they are accurate.

He does NOT cry in public,let alone cry period, so it is out of character for him. He's a muscular guy, shaved head and goatee, so he doesn't look like a crier and he has rarely cried during our marriage. I can count on 1 hand all the times he's cried.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

What are you, like 21??

Oh heck NO! I seriously can't tell you how cheap listening to him made me feel. It literally made me feel nauseous. I just can't explain to you that it made me feel like I lowered my value. No person is so low that you should have to even listen to it...ick ick ick. And I told him I am worth it, I am a great person, with a big heart, and I am beautiful inside and out. He bess wise up this man..... that old T2L that would apologize for everything and appease everything to keep the joy in the house is gone. Never again, my biggest fear that I EVER had I am now living in so I have nothing to lose. Financial destruction does worry me a bit, but I had nightmares for 24 years that he would do this to me. That's how big a fear it was. So sorry i will NOT lower my standard, to late for that and I'm not into self abuse LMAO!

I don't have the time or energy to hear anything but I will do what ever you want and agree to all conditions. He mentioned the relationship a few times and I will not allow that again as there is no point until he says yes yes yes to everything. So No I am not going back and forth. I learn pretty quickly, this was a 1 lesson learning curve.

Oh yeah guys forgot this part of the convo. He says well you know I mean most guys pack up everything and leave the wife and kids on the curb with nothing but I didn't do that....This guy thinks he's doing us favors by still providing for us.

He then says well you guys say you don't want me for money but then when you have none you are yelling you need it. I say well you know I have to care for our kids. Plus I stayed with you for almost 20 years and you were broke the entire time. I stayed by you when you had lint in your pockets but it wasn't until you got money the last 2 years that you left me. So now it wasn't for the money.

First things first...

Happy Birthday!!!



Second: Maybe I'm just not a good BS detector, but I worry that he is just about ready to come home but doesn't see a clear path home - maybe his pride is in the way, or he really doesn't believe you'll take him back, or he doesn't believe you really love him and y'all will be able to build a good marriage if he comes back.

I know you spelled out the terms for his return in your PBL but he's notorious for ignoring things like the PBL and the IMs. I wonder, would it be a good idea for DD to learn to repeat "Mom still loves you and you are very welcome to come back home as soon as you give up all contact with the Sea Hag" whenever he starts saying the things he said? Sorta like she was saying "IDK you'll have to ask the IMs" to other things he said.

Awe thanks luv!!!! Yeah, Yeah, that's the ticket 21, I sure am, I am 21....21+8!!!!

I wish! Man next year its the big 40! I think I'll start planning my party now!

Hey we need to suggest a Happy Birthday icon to the people who create all of them. How can we do that?

Once i figured out, which took only about 5 minutes, that this call was bogus, I made sure to hit and repeat all the PB point and made sure that I said, that i still loved him and that I want the marriage, I am willing to work hard for it and that I am trying to hold on to every little drop of love I have for him. So he says well how can you say you love me and then say you are holding on the the love? I say well if someone continues to hurt you and hurt you and hurt you it hits and beats down the love that you do have until some point there may be none left.

Yes DD17 did say you know you could come home and be happy right and that's when he mentioned the crap about getting charged to break the lease. Yeah but DD17 has mentioned a few times, I think during all the Christmas madness and crap he pulled that mom would love to see you and have you around but you need to have no contact with the Sea Hag and he says I can talk to whoI want to....LOL....your not the boss a me!

Happy Birthday!

And VERY WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Even the great SH recommends a judicious breaking of PB every few months, usually something very simple like a note, letting the WS know the door to the M is still open when they're ready to give up the side-fluff. (My words not his, lol.)

IMO, this would only be a bad thing if you were too weak to go back into a solid PB, and kept peeking out. I know you're strong enough, so this was a good strategic move. If there's a next time, simply don't answer and send a note.

Now sure, you probably met a few needs, but sending him the recommended note would do that, too. Any downside in perhaps prolonging the A very slightly, I think is offset by having the path home repeated to him, and by seeing firsthand that you're different. I.e. not crying, begging, apologizing, etc.

So put the barf bucket away. Great job!

In my inexperianced opinion, I think you did right letting him talk once in a while to GAUGE where he is truly at.

What he said here shows he is not at the point of remorse at all.

He says well I had kept my committment up until now, but I am sure it doesnt count.

What????? The idiot had sex with and is living with the HAG and has the gall to state the above?

WOW, he is not ready to come home, be forgiven, be remorseful, or anything. What an idiot he is still in the fogg.

Sorry! For your pain.

Change the date and time. You don't want WH knowing where you'll be and when.

Other than that... Many Happy Returns!!!

I know you're smart enough not to do what I did. I broke Plan B multiple times, always when it seemed he was "getting it".

That is how WS's lure you in. The first time, I referred him to the Plan B letter. He said "what letter?" Duh, I'd only written him one letter in 5 years.

As you know, he tried to move back home right before Christmas. In fact he had half of his stuff back in my home. When I asked him if the OW was out of the picture, he told me he would do it when he was sure that I would take him back.

Then there were several episodes of NC with the OW. One lasted all day! He came over and said she was out of the picture, and her hubby comfirmed that she had been in bed all day crying. When I asked WH to write a NC letter, he refused, saying it would be pointless.

He looked for ways to give me hope just to continue having contact with me. Many times, I thought maybe he'd not understood, or forgotten the Plan B letter.

But you know what? After our divorce was final and the affair ended, he came to me with "you said we could be together when there is no contact with the OW". And he constantly referred to what I'd written in the Plan B letter. So he KNEW all along what he had to do, just refused to do it.

[quote=Stellakat]In my inexperianced opinion, I think you did right letting him talk once in a while to GAUGE where he is truly at.

/quote]


Heheheheheheheheh.....Stellakat thinks you can gauge anything a waynerd says!

Personally, I don't think waywards believe anything they say.

I think it was quite easy to gauge where he is at. He wants to come home, he thinks about it, but he's not ready to give in. He doesn't want it badly enough. I also saw that he still feels he can manipulate, between mother and daughter.

T2L {{{hugs}}} no 2x4s from me. Look at my track record.

Happy happy birthday. Glad you are getting a massage. Great gift.

You know you have support here. Remember we are "humans", and we make human mistakes. I give you credit for going this long.

I am praying, chase him, break him, save him.

Stole this cake from another thread

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Happy Birthday T2L

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS! (sister in Christ, that is--I was the only girl in my family--I love having sisters now!)


You got a BOOK, didn't you?! I can't wait to hear your thoughts as you read it. Neak is one great writer!


Neak, thanks for sharing what Dr. H says about Plan B. I had never seen that before, but it makes sense to me. However, I can see how women who have a difficult time even getting completely dark could not handle coming out of it and going back to dark. That's not T2L though. She's a strong, determined one.

It sounds like T2L handled it perfectly by confirming that yes there is still a way home, but it won't be there forever. Yes, the rules are still the same. When you are ready to live by them, I hope I still love you.


Enjoy that massage, T2L. Pampering yourself during WS's affair is very important! Take full advantage of any pampering opportunities. That's my official advice

It is SH's advice during counseling. I have heard this via more than one friend.

Since the one-on-one counseling is on a per-case basis, I'm sure there are many cases where he wouldn't recommend lifting the curtain on PB at all.

On this board, I think we should play it much safer in our advice, so I don't just go around recommending everyone send the note every few months, BUT if contact does occur, it can be a good thing as long as it's handled properly. And in this case, I think answering was the right thing to do, and that T2L did beautifully with it.

The same thing if there is an unavoidable meeting, say if a child had serious trouble at school, and both parents had to meet with the principal. In a case like that, the BS should be pleasant, not just ignore the WS, look good and smell good, etc. Then as soon as it's over, right back to a totally dark PB.