First, I am so thankful that I found this site. I wish it was under better circumstances for all of us but it is nice to receive advice and support from everyone. Here is a link to my original post.

For MeolodyLane, you don't have to kick my butt, I took your advice and stayed in the house. My WS even asked me one night during an argument why haven't you left. I said, I didn't do this, you did! Why should I be the one who has to leave?, I'm not the one having an A. The expression on her face and the lack of response was priceless. Thanks so much for setting me straight.

Well, we have been cohabiting for the past couple of weeks since she came back home. I have also been seeing a therapist which along with this site has helped tremendously. I ousted the A to our DS(26), her sister and her parents. I didn't oust it to our DD's (15. 13) because I wanted to make sure to handle this subject correctly, I didn't want to hurt their emotional growth. Here is where the story gets interesting. I spoke to my therapist and she said "Yes" they should know but they don't need all the gory details. She said that we should all sit down as a family and my WS needs to tell them about her new "friend". I told my WS this and she agreed to do it this past Sunday when she got back from her weekend trip to his house. Well, she told the girls on Thursday that she was going to a "friends" house for the weekend and she would be back Sunday evening.

In the meantime, she decided to have the girls put Loopt (iPhone) application so she could track where they were. Ha!Ha! My youngest daughter decided to see where her mother was and it put her in a nearby town, the youngest then told the oldest daughter who knows the OM lives there. So my oldest daughter texted her mother and asked if her friend was the OM. Of course, my WS did not respond to the text and I had to have the coming to Jesus meeting without her. Figures, she messes everything up and I am the one left holding the bag and cleaning up after her. I asked my oldest daughter what if it was the OM. I decided my WS needs to confess to her crimes, not me! She said, if it is that she never wants to go the farm where we keep our horse and she hates her mother. Wow, why can't these people see the pain that they cause their families? In the meantime, my oldest daughter texts her brother and tells him, she hates her mother for what she is doing. Our DS, is waiting to tell his mother that he never wants anything to do with her again until she leaves the OM. He doesn't want her to call or text him until she stops having the A. He is waiting for me to find out how to kick her out of the house without causing any legal issues before telling her.

I have been in Plan A for less than a month, is it time to go to Plan B? She wants to stay here during the week and been able to visit him on the weekends. I wasn't sure if I kicked her out if it would cause legal issues. I have contacted a lawyer who was highly recommended by a colleague and I have an appointment for Wednesday. The advice that I have received on this site is incredible.

Where is the part where you tell the girls this is an ADULTEROUS, FILTHY AFFAIR and that adultery is immoral and WHY it is immoral? Where is the part where you told WHO her adultery partner IS? I must have missed that part. How will know who the enemy is if you don't give them FACTS? What this sounds like is teaching impressionable teenage girls that WRONG IS RIGHT which should scr*w them up for years.


Isn't that so special? She can play happy married wife in front of her children during the week and then act like a alley cat in heat in front of her OWN DAUGHTERS on the weekend.

WOW! Can you say ENABLING? At the expense of your own children's moral development. Can I ask a silly question. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN RIGHT FROM WRONG? Will that be happening by OSMOSIS?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

will you please have the mods move this thread to General Questions 11 where there is considerably more traffic and you will get more help? just click on notify at the bottom of this post and ask them to move it.

you are allowing your wife to LIE to those girls and USE WEASEL WORDS to decribe her ADULTERY. Why are you allowing this, Joseph. This is not a "friendship" it is an ADULTEROUS AFFAIR. A filthy, dirty, rotten, adulterous affair.

Why is your wife being allowed to bastardize the English language to your own children?

a⋅dul⋅ter⋅y   /əˈdʌltəri/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [uh-duhl-tuh-ree]

–noun, plural -ter⋅ies. voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

I am going to tell the girls about their mothers immoral affair and why. I wanted to see what she tells them first. I wanted her to tell them whom her adultery partner is, is that wrong of me? No, they will know what their mother has done is NOT RIGHT.

I am responsible for teaching them wrong from right and I will do that in this case too.

Obviously, I am not thinking clearly. That is the reason why I posted for more advice. I don't know why I allowed her to spend the weekend away with no consequences. I am not going to allow that to happen again. Do I just kick her out and go to Plan B?

They will not know that it is WRONG unless you tell them it is wrong. If left up to your wife, they will told that you are a demon, have not been in love for years, blah,blah,blah, therefore she is ENTITLED. The affair will be SPUN to your daughters and they will be taught that wrong is right.

You cannot remain silent on this issue, Joseph. Silence = endorsment. And I assure you that your wife will not remain silent.

This is why the TRUTH, not WHITEWASHED, ENABLING BALDERDASH, needs to come from their only SANE parent. That would be YOU, SIR! You are all they have right now. They need to be told that OM is not a "friend," but a BAD MAN who commits adultery with their mother. The reasons WHY adultery is immoral should be given.

If you don't tell them, your wife WILL. And she will spin the truth. A liar cannot be counted upon to tell truth. This job falls to YOU, their father.

Have her parents been told the TRUTH? Have they been told this an adulterous affair and given his name? Has EVERYONE BEEN TOLD?


I would openly tell her in front of the kids that her OPEN AND FLAGRANT WEEKEND ADULTERY is sick and cruel to you and the kids and ask her to stop it. Tell her that you cannot continue with this arrangement and ask her to stop.

I would also expose to the OM's parents and his side of the family so you can kill all future hopes of integration into his family.

Have you cut off her finances so she is not using family money to conduct her affair? Do her parents know she is running off to waller in the pig pen with her adultery partner every weekend? Will they speak to her?

I spoke to my oldest daughter this evening. Oddly, she already knew because she overheard me talking to SIL and she asked her brother. I told her that what her mother is doing is WRONG. She said it would be wrong for teenagers to do that. Aren't kids remarkable? She said that I know that you asked me not to hate my Mom but I do and want her out of the house. Wow! My WS thought everyone was going to accept the OM with open arms. Foolish.


Yes to all questions. My MIL said that he is never welcomed into their home. My SIL said the same thing and our DS said that he will never attend a family event that she brings him too. I don't think she realizes the amount of anger and hate everyone feels for him. I kind of mentioned it today and she said it wasn't his fault. What?! I said, that he knows that you are married and he still pursued an A with you. If he was decent he would of told you NO. She says it was more her fault than his. I chuckled and said it takes two to tango and he is equally to blame. Obviously, she is to much in a fog to recognize this fact.


Agreed!


I have search records for this guy and there really isn't much out there. I have his cell phone and that is it. He doesn't seem to have an email address. I know he doesn't have Internet access at his house because she has to drive to Starbucks to get online.

No, I am in the process of making all the arrangements of separating our finances. I do watch her credit card spending and she is not making outrageous purchases, yet! Her parents do know and they are not happy with her. They have spoken to her and she made a comment today about how her parents aren't happy. You see what good that is doing. I am just waiting to start Plan B and then see how happy she will be without any communication from me and the children. My MIL will still talk to her but I think she is going to be to ashamed of what she did to the children to really converse with her. My SIL is on my side and says she doesn't even know what to say to her. She is so ashamed and disappointed with her actions especially towards her own children.

Kind of late to say that you must tell all of your children that their mom is a WW having an affair. That dating another man while married is wrong.

You can not expect WW morals to tell her children the truth. The WW will only spin fog bable justifing her affair and cheating.

This is the job that must be done by you. From what I have read you only told the oldest child. Good start but you must tell the rest of the kids without delay.

Tell her its ok to be angry and love someone at the same time. This is an adult concept, but even young children can learn it in these situations. It is important that your DD express her anger, and realize that it is indeed anger and not hatred.

And yes, WS's think everyone is going to 'love' the OP just as much as they do. :RollieEyes:

Tabby, thanks for the advice. I did tell her that it was okay to be angry at her mom for the choices that she made. I told her that I was angry but I still love her.

I had a conversation with my youngest daughter today. I asked her what she knew and then told her that she deserve to know. That there shouldn't be any secrets. I also asked her for her opinion on whether her mother should be allowed to stay in the house. She said that she loves her mother but she needs to go. I asked all three children for their opinion because I think we need to make this decision as a family even if their mother chooses not to take part. All three have said that she needs to leave and that is what I will do. I guess it is on to Plan B.

I think I would tell wifey that it hurts you and the children when she is conducting her affair away from the family and it is better that she just stay away until the affair is ended.

I think you put too much responsibility on young shoulders by asking them should Mom stay or go, but what's done is done.

When you go to Plan B, be sure to do it with a proper Plan B letter. It should be a LOVE letter. It should state clearly you are severing contact with her ONLY because her adultery is killing your love for her and you need to protect yourself from her painful behavior. It should name an intermediary that she can contact regarding finances or the children. It should state clearly that you are willing to discuss reconciliation when she ends her affair and agrees to NC with OM for life.

Here is a link to my PBL if you wouldn't mind taking a look and providing comments.

If you have that location thing on your phones, can't you get OM's address with that? You can get data on him with that. And a PI can do tons more. Nothing's going to happen until you expose on HIS side. You'll be subjecting your daughters to a longer-than-necessary time away from their mother by you not taking every step possible to expose on his side. Quit making excuses.

And btw, 13 year olds are plenty old enough to understand what WW's doing. Have you had 'the talk' (not the one about WW and OM - the other one) with the girls yet? If not, you're way overdue.

Joseph, sorry you find yourself here. I agree do not burden your children too much about "if there mother should live here". It is YOUR decision and then you tell your children.

When I exposed the A to my D15, I told her that her father was leaving because of the A, that we have some problems but that were very workable. I told her it was wrong for married people to have "a girlfriend or boyfriend and date". I also told her that this is not what I wanted and this was her father's choice. I was willing to work on the marriage but as long as her father was seeing OW that our marriage would not work. My D15 has had very limited contact with her father since Oct.

Joseph, is there any responsible adult in this whole scenario who can stand up for and protect your daughters from your wayward wife's lies and immoral training? Is there a responsible grandparent or uncle who will help them since there is no one else?

Since you are allowing their wayward, scr*wed up mother to scr*w with their minds by telling them lies, is there SOMEONE here who will step up to the plate for those girls and do the right thing? You say you don't "want to put the girls in the middle of it." Well, Sir they are in the middle of it ............ with no life raft because their father won't help them.

I just wondered if there was an uncle, aunt or grandparent who would?

Joseph, I will be quite honest with you. Women do not respect men they can run over and our love is contingent upon the love we feel. I bring this up because allowing your wife to run over you like this and harm your children in the process is not going to endear her to you. It will disgust her. Plan A does not stand for appeasement or a-kissing, after all.

An affair is a devastating event to children, and a time when they most need a parents moral guidance. Your lack of honesty and moral guidance with them has left them open to the immoral training from your wife. You are ALL THEY HAVE to protect them and you don't seem to be doing your duty. At first you were ready to abandon them by moving out and now you are abandoning them to the lies of their wayward mother.

We want you to save your marriage, Joseph, but you are not going to save it by allowing a wayward, whose goal is the desruction of your family to drive the ship. You are allowing the inmate to run the prison and that will only result in further destruction.

When will you be stepping up to the plate and protecting your family from this assault, Joseph? And who will do it if you don't? Your teenage girls?

Okay, I'm not quite sure why you you are questioning my honesty. I have told both daughters that their mother is having an A and that it is wrong. I have told them that this is not acceptable behavior.

I understand your comment about women who do not respect men they can run over. I thought Plan A was to improve meeting her ENs and making the home more inviting. What am I doing wrong?

I spoke to my daughters after she got home and asked them what was said and "cleared" up any lies that they were told. They know what is going on.

What do you suggest that I do to in order to stop the family from this assault? Kick her out? This is why I posted, I want to know how I should proceed.

Joseph, I am confused. You said that your WIFE was allowed to lie to them and then only stated that you didn't "want to use them as pawns." You never mentioned that you spoke to them and told them the truth. Did that happen? Have they been told the OM's NAME and that this is an adulterous affair?

What exactly were they told?

Plan A means standing up to the affair in every way. It means telling everyone the truth and telling your wife how hurtful her affair is to the family. It means doing everything in your power to STOP THE AFFAIR and cause as much conflict as possible.

Here is the best description, IMO:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Good question and very accurate. This OM and your WW are assaulting your family and you have to get a plan together to fight this war.

You had mentioned about a trip to WDW for the family in March (great opportunity for Plan A - perfect for creating great memories before PBL) before her OM trip in April (perfect time for PBL). This is your timeline for Plan A/B.

Plan B success will depend on how you finish off the plan A. Obviously this OM will not be able to meet all of her needs - it is pure fantasy.

Use the carrot and stick that Melody posted - make the home and family more attractive than the affair/fantasy.

Here is a good link - Mark1952 troubleshooting and repair manual - good stuff in here.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=149531&Number=2033532#Post2033532