Sounds cool. I probably should have titled the topic "What types of Sexual Fanastasies are ok?"

MC has labeled me borderline sex addict so obviously my boundaries are not so well established.

I think most people have fantasies. But you need to be careful that the fantasies don't involve an OP. When that happens, affairs start.

I mean there are so many fantasies that a couple can conjure up - no need to involve other people.

Good point. I guess in addition to working on meeting my WW EN's I need to work on improving my imagination.

Do you think watching any type of porn is pretty much not a good idea? Feel like its too tempting to go down that slippery slope.

My husband is a recovering sex addict. His fantasizing (with the use of porn) nearly tore our marriage apart. We were "lucky" in that his addiction didn't escalate to using prostitutes or otherwise.

Is your MC trained in sex addiction? If not, perhaps the therapist may not help. I found that therapists who deal in sex addiction most helpful to us. The mainstream therapist I first saw didn't know squat, and she wasn't very helpful.

Have you gone here:
http://www.sexhelp.com/addiction_tests.cfm

It's by done by the Patrick Carnes outfit-known for their work in sexual addiction.

I don't trust my husband fully. I never will. He knew he had a problem before we were married, and somehow forgot to mention this to me before we got married. So I married a man, and was not given a chance to be fully informed about my decision. I married a man who could not honor his wedding vows at the time of our wedding. My husband lied to me. Deceived me. He wasn't the man I thought I married. He wasn't the man he portrayed to me. And we were together 5 years before dating.

Our sex life has been affected by his actions. It took me a year and a half to feel safe enough to go and buy lube again. After two years, I'm getting comfortable enough to wear lingerie again. There are acts I won't do, because frankly it reminds me of porn.

I'm also choosing to live with the risk of a recovering addict. For me, this means, I'm living with the risk that my marriage could end, at any time, at my husband's hand. My boundary is that if my husband relapses, I'm done. I won't raise kids with a using addict. Doesn't matter what it is, sex, booze, drugs, whatever.

I've also never heard of a "borderline" addict. You are either an addict or not. You are either self-medicating or you are not. It's really quite that simple.

I can provide you with a list of other resources, if you'd like. There's another poster, KaylaAndy (I think), whose husband is a recovering sex addict. It might be helpful for you to do a search and find posts by her.

And yes, if you are a sex addict, you shouldn't be watching porn.
That's like an alcoholic asking if they should drink vodka, or thinking that it's OK to have a beer instead of Wild Turkey.

Thanks for the advice. I never really considered the diagnosis until the MC suggested it and then my WW's IC suggested it. But my WW is the one who had the A although I'm not innocent, just more honest. So go figure? I never really self medicated with porn. I def looked at it alone but never really at the expense of my W. I guess you could argue the desire for me to watch it or want her to watch it with me was/is an issue. Trying to work on that. I would always rather be with her but SF was/is a major issue between us. I want it too much and she feels pressured. I guess the A wasn't too much pressure though for sex? Only from me. The life of a BH.

Does your wife know you watch porn, or do you hide it from her?

Have you conditioned yourself to your touch so much that your wife's does nothing to stimulate you?

Do you want to stop watching porn, and find that you can't?

If you do stop watching porn, do you experience withdrawl symptoms? (Headache, crankiness, anger, etc.)

Do you feel shame after you watch porn, vowing never to do it again?

When confronted with watching porn, do you blame your wife, the world, your dog, your kids, anyone except yourself?

Do you promise that you'll stop, only to do it again?

Do you watch porn for hours at a time, neglecting other tasks?

Do you watch porn at work? Or do you try to engage in other risky things, like going to craigslist and contacting prostitutes to get turned on?

Do you objectify women? Do you see them as what ever body parts that stimulate you instead of people?

Do you see an attractive woman on the street, start to fantasize about her, then go home and finish with porn and pleasing yourself routinely?

Do you ask your wife to act out porn scenes in bed? Ask your wife to dress/act like your favorite porn star?

How's the non-sexual intimacy with your wife? Do you try to communicate with her, or do you not talk at all, even about your days, the presidency, whatever.

IMHO, tread lightly with this. Liking porn doesn't make you an addict. I enjoy a drink a few times a week. Doesn't make me an alcoholic. As long as you are honest about not self-medicating and it not affecting your sex life. Or you can answer "No" to the questions above, then I'd be careful with labels.

I really still don't have a problem with porn. I find it arousing. And I was fine with watching it with my husband on occasion, until I discovered he was an addict.

At the height of my husband's acting out, we were having sex once every two months or so. "Normal" for us is 3-4 times a week. We were not communicating..we'd be lucky to exchange two sentences a night to each other.

We were withdrawn from each other. I had been telling him I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him for a good year and a half before I discovered his addiction. My husband preferred his hand and his porn over being with me...

Reading those questions I would say that most of them are not a problem for me. Maybe the objectifying women part and fantasying about other women you see on the street. This is something I have tried to control. Winter time makes it easier. Crude joke but sometimes I feel like women almost want you to objectify them - obviously not all women but everything about society today seems to be about sex.
This is one area we definitely neglected. Usual story - kids, long work hours, recreational actives we didn't do together (because of kids), etc. Turns out my WW was getting all the intimacy she needed from the OM because both had plenty of free time on their hands. Both sexual and non sexual.
I don't know - I have flipped flopped recently on whether porn is good or bad. I use to say it was no big deal and perfectly acceptable but boy its awful hard not to fantasize or think about crazy situations (like OP etc.) when you are watching some of that stuff. At least for me. But I'm at least glad to hear it wasn't a problem for you. And even though I liked the porn it never affected our SF. It probably made it better (albeit at the cost of being less intimate with each other). Never affected frequency or sensitivity. Probably made me too sensitive if you know what I mean.

I'm assuming because of your H addiction porn now is not allowed? Does that bother you? I noticed you said you still don't have a problem with porn? Does that mean you would every watch by yourself? How are you and your H doing now overall now?

My husband's addiction is porn and masturbation. As part of his sobriety, yes he needs to abstain from both. I hesitate to use the word "allowed", because he's not a child. He makes the decision to stay sober or relapse. He makes the choice to deal with life in a healthy way or a non-healthy way.

Yes, it does bother me. Not as much as it used to. Porn was on our menu of sexual desserts if you will. Now, that's not an option..and I'm not ready yet to find some new items. It also completely shuts down some of my fantasies. But, That's OK. I'd rather have a healthy marriage over fantasies.

We also suffer from infertility. Our choice of treatments are limited, in that my H can't "leave a sample" at the office. So, it might be that family size (something extremely important to me) may be dictated, in part, by his addiction. I would have liked to have know this before we were married-and with this aspect, his "activities" bother me quite a bit.

No, I don't think porn is "evil." Just like other addictions/compulsions, some people can't handle it well or misuse it. I don't think alcohol, drugs, eating, shopping, gambling, are "evil" activities because some people misuse them. That said, however, I would defer to my partner. If my partner wouldn't like me doing something, I'd stop said behavior. I'd rather be married than right. (Course, previous to this journey, I would have rather been right than married.)

I used to watch it by myself every once in a while. I don't so much more these days. I'd rather be sexual with my husband than by myself. It's that good, that I'll gladly wait a few hours..

Now we are doing well. It took lots of hard work on both our ends. My husband had to get sober. He did so with the help of a sex addiction therapist. I had to figure out how to stop behaving like a codependent of an addict and figure out why I chose to marry an addict-as there were some very subtle red flags that I chose to ignore. I had to learn what non-sexual intimacy was. I'm more present now. There's not much planning of our lives in old age together anymore. Our focus has shifted to just the day at hand.

This work also took much time. We're two years into this, and so far so good. I don't think we've hit nirvana yet, but I'm in love with my husband. I can't wait to see him, and I want to share my life with him. However, the reality is that things could change tomorrow, based on my husband's choice of behavior. So just for today, things are wonderful.

You can go to the office with him to "collect the sample".

Ditto for me (except the Catholic upbringing part but the "good girls don't part for sure)!!!!

I also have felt the same way about my H when it comes to even "looking at" other men. I am TOTALLY attracted to my FWH and have never even THOUGHT about another male in that way since i met him.

Well i guess i did not consider these sexual fantasies unless you were fantasizing them with another person. To me these are just things to "spice it up" if you know what i mean .

So if "sexual fantasies" are way to spice it up between you and your spouse then i have had them, but they were not fantasies .