I have not posted much on my situation in a little while, but thought I should, since I could use some advice.

As of the first of the year, my FWW quit her job and moved back home. So, that nets out to 3 years and 9 months we were separated with her A starting about a year before she moved out and NC really happening about a year before she moved back. There were a handful of "moving homes" and several broken NC's in between.

Anyway, so what to do now? I guess I am torn between rolling up my sleeves and pro-actively trying to see if things can work out, or just sitting back and see what happens. I can sense that my FWW wants me to lead or tell her what I want, or something, but I must confess I am a bit reluctant to engage.

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to get things started. What would people suggest?

I think after that long, she needs to step up and lead recovery. Why not bring her here?

Rprynne,

As Mortarman can attest to...after a looooong battle to save your marriage...undertaking another "fight" for actual recovery is difficult.

I think it's slightly due to post traumatic shock. You've been in fight mode for a long time. It may not seem that way, based upon what I know of your personality...but you've reached the finish line of ending the affair and saving your wife only to have someone say it's time to run another marathon called "recovery".

I personally doubt you are in the condition to lead right now. You may WANT to...but I doubt you are mentally able to. Your wife needs to be told and understand that you are going to be depressed for awhile here and unable to really truly undertake some big recovery effort. You need time. 3 months, 6 months...whatever (I think Mortarman will say he took nearly the entire last year). Plus...imo, true recovery occurs when the wayward leads the mental part anyway and addresses their issues on their own, lest it feels forced and unauthentic.

Until then...work the basic program. Early recovery couples should spend 15-25 hours together alone. Try to investigate/figure out recreational things you both like and can do together. Try to discover some new recreational activities you both like and can do together. Forget the "program" or undertaking some formal recovery program for a few months and just be.

I'm NOT suggesting sweeping it under the rug. You should be clear that "recovery" will be undertaken; however, YOU need a break where you can just BE. It would also be nice if your wife undertook some leadership herself and undertook, without your prodding, working and fixing herself. Individually, she's got more work to do than you anyway...so it'd be nice to see her get to it. I don't know how well a betrayed can LEAD a wayward to working on themselves...she either wants to do it or not and she needs to do it whether your spent and down or not. It would be a gesture of compensation for her to realize that you are going to be down for awhile and she can pick up the slack...SHE can make the plans for stuff for you two to do together, SHE can push you to DO things you both enjoy instead of just wallowing at home with you spending such time together watching TV, she can start buying and reading the materials and initiating conversations about MB concepts (as you've got a grasp on them already) etc..

Consider AD's. Keep up with your gym (this is often the time betrayed's put back the weight they lost fighting for their marriage).

Good luck friend,

Mr. Wondering

CLICK HERE~~> MARRIAGE BUILDERS WEEKEND!!!

And HERE~~~> DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

Mrs. W

I have suggested this, but it is doubtful. She has been here before and is quite fearful of how FWS get treated here on occassion.

I agree. But it makes me anxious about things.


This is good advice. But to be blunt, this will be a struggle. I do not think my FWW can handle me being "down."

I have question, perhaps answered elsewhere by you, but why did you let her move back home?

After so long?

Despite what they say about Plan B preserving your love for the adulterer, absence does not make the fart go honda. It more often than not simply allows you to forget the adulterer.

Do you even like her (feelings of love are irrelevant) now?

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you actually desire marital recovery with her after all this time? Almost four years is a rather long time, you know. A very long time. Twice the Harley recommended Plan B period. Shoot, I could have gotten another PhD in that much time. And moved to Mars, or something. And come back again.

So, have you changed?

Would you be devastated if she left yet again? For whatever reason?

OK, rats. Sorry. Too many questions.

Just like the start of recovery, huh.

BTW, I recommend the weekend too. Think she’ll go?

Poor baby. Poor little adulteress. We might all tell her to step up, huh. If that’s what you want her to do, that is.

What do you want? In the end? Not how you get there, but where it is you want to get.

PS: Sorry if this sounds curt. I am in a hurry is all.

I'm gonna differ a bit from Mr. W here...I think that you are going to have to lead, rprynne...I think that has been an ongoing problem in your marriage - "headship"...You have NOT taken the lead, and I believe that is your rightful place...You have allowed her to run willy nilly for far too long...

There are really only two options here that I see...

1. You work the MB program fully and completely - TOGETHER - at your suggestion and initiation.

2. If she doesn't get onboard, you divorce.

Sorry if that seems like an over-simplification, but it's just the way I see it...

Mrs. W

What is different this time?

I can scarcely believe I am saying this but I totally agree with Aphelion - great post!

Yes, EXACTLY. She needs to be here. If she is still afraid of what people will say I doubt her willingness to do the work.

Good question by Aphelion. What do YOU want, rprynne?

rprynne,

Most know that I am very very promarriage. Given her track record, I am wondering why you care? I am wondering how you would ever develop the confidence that she won't leave yet again? I am wondering why you would put any effort into this until and unless she really is committed to staying this time? I am wondering WHAT THE HECK ARE THINKING?

Even more importantly I am wondering what she is thinking and why she has come back yet again?

I don't think you start working on this marriage. Frankly, I think you divorce her and THEN if she really is interested in being with you, the two of you start courtship up and see if at this age there really is something there. I know this is not MB, but you two are now strangers. The person you married is long gone. You have no idea who you are married to now, and really you should have a clue.

I really don't see much hope for this marriage unless she makes some major internal changes in her perspective and thinking.

I will say this sit back and see what happens. I wouldn't think of doing anything strenous until and unless she can remain at home for at least 6 months. I don't mean be cruel to her, but buddy I would not be investing much right now.

Just some thoughts. I did take the time to look back through your old posts, many of which I had read...what a mess.

God Bless,

JL

It sounds to me as though you are looking to protect your W from the consequences of her actions, ie your being "down". She's sitting back, waiting for you to lead, and you're afraid to make a move, for fear that she can't handle it. (And might leave?)

So you both remain in stasis. She is coasting on your inertia, nothing in her character is being challenged or stretched, and you're paralyzed. Does this sound healthy?

My crystal ball is a bit chipped, but I see another false recovery in your near future unless you are willing to tell her that she needs to step up to the plate and get to work.

Personally, I think you've already wasted three years too many.

They are forever gone.

Don't add to them.

GROUNDHOG DAY!

I told her I was divorcing her, she said she did not want that, I said "these" are the things that must happen, one of which was moving back home.


Yes.


I don't think I can answer that question. What I can say is on a scale of 1 to 10, my desire to attempt marital recovery is a 10. You may think that is foolish, but she is my wife, I married her.


I guess that depends.


Many times over.


Not devastated.


I think she would, but I'm not sure if I would go.


You might. Might beat her down.


I want a real attempt at marital recovery.

She actually quit her job. No leave of absence, no she is going to have to fly back for a few days to help out. I made this a condition on returning. If she breaks this, then all the questions are irrelevent.

She is also trying to do some of the MB stuff. Last night, she printed the EN questionaire and wants us to fill them out.

I have thought that way too. You and Mr. W need to get on the same page.

Your two responses are why I asked the question.

I'm pretty clear on my choices. I can do as some are alluding to, which is to say sorry, too much time has passed, no way this can work, etc. I could also sit back and see what she does, see how feel after some time of that. Or I could plunge back into it, risk getting burned again, and see how that goes.

I don't think she is afraid of what people will say. I think she believes people here are marriage at all costs, and any advice given to a F/WS will be some variant of "tough, you deserve to be miserable."

I think it finally dawned on her that her plan was not going to work. This is not to say I think she had some evil master plan, but that somehow she could "manage" her way way through "escaping" to a new life in a way that at the end, everyone was happy.


Yep.