Thanks JL,

I am learning, it's a slow process, but I ahve nothing but time on my side.

Your are right, more time for me.

Your are also right, MIL IS a fine lady.

Something else to throw into the mix...

During our chat last Sunday. W told me that she hadn't been in touch, not because she got home late, but that she was angry with me from mentioning OM again.

I thanked her profusley and told her that I was SO happy that she could tell me 'honestly' why things happened.

It felt right at that point to tell her something else.

I told her that if there was a PA, that if she had confessed, I would have actually run to her and hugged and kissed her, because I would have known she was being honest. She knows that I despise dishonesty. I didn't push the point any further, just left her to think about it.

If there is massive guilt there, I would like to think that I have gone someway to let her feel safe.

May not be important, but I wanted y'all to know.

Day 7 of NC from me is now almost over. Only contact for last week was one short call from W to me.

I will continue the process and carry on regardless

This is good stuff. Keep it up.

Thanks Cat.

WOOHOO.

I got something right

Still keeping NC. Day 8 now.

Right,

To update everyone that is (hopefully) keeping an eye on me.

I am currently on day 9 of a personally enforced 12 day NC decision. The reason for this was my last converation with W and her telling me "you need to understand that it's over we are NOT a married couple" and "I would be devastated if we couldn't remain friends".

I am trying different approaches to the sitch and sticking with what works.

So far, being in regular contact has kept us 'friends' but hasn't altered her point of view at all. I decided to take her comments on board and prove to her that I was respecting her decision to be separate.

After the 12 days (don't ask why 12, I don't know! :)), I intend to break my NC with a friendly 'how's tricks' contact.

During the 9 days so far, W called me on day 5 for a 'catch up' and I was upbeat and chatty and no R dicussion took place. Now I am on day 9 and there has been no further contact from her by any means.

I have read on this forum and others, that when the BS goes into NC, the WAS usually gets 'suspicious' and contacts the BS sometimes quite a lot. Whilst I understand that every sitch is different, I would like some input on my plan from the rest of you.

Please let me know your points of view.

Waiting and watching.

Boy, I don't know. Are you aware at all of what she does with her time?

I know that when she is at work, she works from 7am until 8:45pm and if 2 days run concurrent, then she goes almost straight to bed after getting home from work on the 1st day.

Her days off, well I have no idea. I know that she was not working last Tuesday and Wednesday but that was early into my NC. She was also off work on Sunday but had only spoken to me on Friday.

I suppose really that 9 days of me not intiating contact is a great deal of time, but it does make me wonder if I am flogging the proverbial 'dead horse'

Are you using this time to work on yourself? Sign up for a class? Join a sports team? Start a hobby? IC? Find old friends? Volunteer?

Cat,

I am indeed, I have been going to the gym on a regular basis and made a lot of new friends. I haven't a great deal of spare time otherwise though. I work from 6am - 7pm 5 days and the weekends are usually filled with cleaning, washing, ironing and general 'house husband' stuff.

I have other irons in the fire as well. In March I am joining a Digital Photography course at the local college. (that's the soonest they start)as I have had cameras for many years but no training.

Thanks for keeping in touch.

Agree with Cat here, what are you doing for you?

Hey Lil, thanks for popping in again

Looks like our posts crossed. I am doing quite a lot for me. I am going to the gym, making new friends, enrolling on a college course.

I am really just having a loss of PMA day.

I know that I will bounce back tomorrow.

Anyway, off to the gym now.

Thanks again for your help

HELP!!!

I have had a major problem tonight. Son (23)was arrested by police for not doing his community service. In court tomorrow. That I can cope with now. What I did though, I need help with.

I phoned W to tell her. She didn't answer straight away. She called back after 15 minutes. I was upset and annoyed and barked at her down the phone. Told her what had happened and she asked if I wanted her to go with me to the court tomorrow. I said I would let her know. Then I hung up.

I called back after 5 mins as I was upset, it was late and I had no-one else to talk to. I asked her if she was going to bed, (meaning could I go over and talk to her but never actually said that) She said that her BFF and daughter were there. I took this as the fact that they mattered more than me (which they probably do) and hung up.

Got all worked up and went over to her house. Explained that I was upset and wanted to talk. BFF said "don't you think that W is upset as well?" W said "its always the same, you expect me to support you, don't you ever think of me?"

MAJOR mistake on my behalf. I sat there and took the telling off for 10 mins and then apologised. I was told by BFF (the one that has been complicit in W having EA and leaving)that I ought to consider W feelings and she was going through a lot. I said "her choice!" MISTAKE 2.

We talked for about another hour, I apologised again and thanked W and BFF for talk and then left.

I am picking W up in the morning to go to court.

I need to know the best way to rectify my "needy" behaviour from tonight.

I know now that I should have told W not to worry and that I would let her know what happens, but I was SO angry that she wanted nothing to do with it tonight and then toxic BFF laid into me as well. I did well not to tell them both what I thought of the sitch with EA and everything.

Can anyone advise or comment PLEASE??

Silvagod,

Ok, this is not going to be MB. YOU need to state your boundaries. This was made about you, because she wanted it to be about her.

The real issues was/is your son. You did the right thing. You told her, you took her to court. You DO NOT EVER HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE HAVING PROBLEMS FOR BEING DISTRAUGHT.

Do you understand me??? BFF should keep her nose and her big mouth out of this and should have last night. YOu should have told her, and you should tell her, if she buts into personal business between your W and you, YOU WILL BE MAD. So deal with it.


You should NOT have told your W not to worry, you can handle it, because you son his her child as well.

He is NOT part of the divorce settlement, he is NOT part of the separation agreement, he is YOUR SON. HE IS HER SON. Nothing should be happening to him that the two of you don't know.

Don't apologize for being distraught over something this serious. IF she wants to spend time with her friends and who ever rather than deal with children issues, let her tell you that. If she does not assume she cares.

Her behavior and that of BFF are unacceptable in civilized society.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Thank you SO much for replying. It's nice to know that my feelings were right.

We haven't been to the court yet, that is tomorrow morning (I am in UK and it's 2am here)

I am sat here stewing over what has happened, I can't sleep and was furious that BFF butted in. Now I know where W got all her strength from during the EA and the initial leaving.

BFF got out of a physically abusive R some time ago and although now remarried, sticks up for the 'underdog'. I am sure that W has leant on her many times and got full support and backing.

I know that is what friends are for but to call me on wanting support from my W was NOT her place.

I feel right now, like drafting a Plan B letter, but including BFF instead of OM (OM is gone now) and letting her know that when she can actually make her OWN mind up about things, then she should let me know.

W and BFF, well if I didn't know better, I would think that they are lesbians (they're not, but it makes a point). They are THAT close. They work, play holiday and everything together and even if they don't see each other daily, they always txt or phone.

How on earth, from my point of view, do you break into that?!?

I am going to work on a Plan B letter now, if you get chance in the next hour or so, let me have further thoughts.

I am fully with you so far.

Partly copied and adapted..

Dear WW,
This is the hardest letter that I have ever had to write because I never wanted this to happen. I miss the woman that I fell in love with, married, and raised two wonderful boys with. I miss you being the first person I want to talk to about things and being there for you in times of crisis.
I know that we can fix our marriage if only given a chance. I have studied long and hard on this subject and that has helped me truly see how we can improve our marriage. I know that you are afraid that our marriage is never going to work out but that just isn’t true. Like I told you before, I do not want you to come back to the same old marriage – I want our marriage to be something new and better. There are so many things that we could do to improve our marriage. You always say that you can’t make me happy, well all I want is for you to be happy and that you will give our marriage a true second chance. I told you that I will always love you until the day I die and I truly mean that.

What happened last night, shook me to the core. I was feeling distraught about DS and his situation and wanted not only to keep you informed of what was happening as his mother, but to hope that we could talk it over as parents. What I didn’t expect, was for you to prefer to talk to BFF instead of me about our son and to then have her verbally attack me when talking to you about the situation. It was NOT her place to do that. Both you and she had been drinking and to argue the point last night would have been futile. If she interferes in our parenting again, you will see a different side of me, nothing is more certain. I can see now where you have got your strength from and I feel that some of the decisions you have made have been influenced by BFF’s ideals and points of view. She has been a good friend to you, but only to you and NOT to our marriage. I know that inside you somewhere remains the love you once had for me, but it is being blocked off not only by you, but by the influence of BFF. That however is NOT beyond your control.
So that I can keep my love for you alive, I can no longer maintain contact with you. I am not doing this out of anger or to be vindictive. I am doing this to protect both you and me from any more pain. Turning away from you is one of the most heart wrenching decisions that I have ever had to make and I know in my heart that it didn’t have to be this way.

However, until you are ready to decide what you really want, with NO outside influences, I will not attempt to see you or talk to you. If you need to contact me about one of the boys please send a message through either one of them or your Mum and I will do the same. This is the toughest decision that I have had to make but I believe it is the best decision for all of us, the boys, you and me.

This is not the path that I wanted our relationship to take but in the end I believe it is in the best interest of everyone. As I told you the other week, I am willing to wait for you and the door to my heart will remain open.
BS

Your thoughts anyone?

Hey, why not? She is practically having an affair with BFF. BFF has taken all her energy and affection away from you and continues to divide your family. Plan B away!

I feel better just for a few hours sleep and I guess one more night won't hurt, so I have decided to leave the letter at home when I go to court with W.

Cat, you are right about BFF being OM. Reflecting on last night, I saw the shell of a woman I loved being totally owned by her 'friend'. She sat there whilst BFF launched into a tirade about not only her H, but her children. In the past, ANYONE that dared criticise her children would get an earful or worse, last night, nothing but nods of agreement.

If I also reflect on the past 18 months / 2 years since they have known each other, it's quite scary. W has bought same car as BFF, has had boob job like BFF, had tattoos like BFF, started wearing same clothes as BFF. In fact, last night, they were wearing identical jumpers. In isolation, these aren't too bad, but throw the antics last night into the mix and you have a W who has not become indepedent, but who has totally lost her identity, who is trying to emulate in some perverse way, the person who has so far helped her ruin her life. W isn't happy, W isn't ANYTHING. It is very sad, very sad indeed.

I think that W will see the letter as a personal attack on her 'saviour' and it will confirm to her that I am blaming everything on BFF as she has already told me.

I will sleep on it for a couple more days.

Man, I hate this situation right now.

When you think about it, that letter will go over her head. Just like a WS, they won't hear ANY part about who they were, what they should be, blah blah blah.

Cut out all the emotion and cut to the chase. Set your boundaries. Give her an open door back home, but stipulate your requirements.

You know what I would also do? I would include what you just wrote about how she has turned into mini-me. It may not make sense to her right now, but a month from now, when she's feeling increasingly abused by BFF (and she will), she may pick up the letter (make it a real letter, not an email), and 'see' what you were saying. It just may be the clincher for her.

I would stick to just this...may be edit it just a bit. But Plan B is the way to go. Sorry about your situation but you are correct, you need to be assertive and take charge here.