Hi everyone - <P>I have started trying to read and catch up. I have been out of town with my son visiting all the grandparents. It was hard to be at the in-laws. They are so supportive, but to see all the things my H and I used to share at their house - to think of all the great times was just hard!!! My friends and family were great - very supportive. <P>Now for the latest. The last I posted was to tell you all that my H said the relationship was over and it was time for the divorce. I started the process. I was devastated, but if that was what had to be, then I wanted it over quick. This past Sunday my mom called my H while he was here with our son to tell him she loved him and that she wished we could work things out. If not she wanted us to both be happy. This prompted some conversation between my H and I. Here is what he said - tell me this wouldn't confuse you more!<P>1) He admitted that a great deal of not wanting to be married was his inability to balance his career with family. We have been married for a little over 9 years and our son is 18 months. He never had a problem until we had our son. That stinks for our son. The awesome (sarcastic) thing is that the OW wants kids!!!<P>2) He admitted that he said the relationship is over because he still doesn't know what he wants and decided the only way to be fair to me was to get a divorce so I could move on. (Never mind what I want)<P>3) He still loves me, but has passion with her (gag). However, he said he is not happy. Nothing like living with the OW and not being happy. I am sure he enjoying things like sleeping in and going out of town with out a toddler interupting "your" time!<P>4) While crying asked if it would be too wierd if he came with us to the pumpkin patch to get a pumpkin.<P>5) He said he doesn't think he can ever forgive himself for what he has done. <P>Now with all that - I get the impression that he is still confused, but maybe since he can't forgive himself he can't accept my forgiveness. If he can't do that he can't try to fix the marriage and maybe he thinks he doesn;t deserve a second chance. <P>What do you guys think?<P>I hope you all are doing well and for all the newcomers - I am sorry you are here!<P>Oh - please ignore those typos!<P><P>------------------<BR>H

I agree very confusing but isn't that one of the problems. Our S being confused not know what they want. A suggestion is that since you don't want the divorce slow down on the process. Maybe he needs more time? I know it is hard on you and your son. It sounds like you are in plan A do that somemore then if nothing changes go to plan B do it for a while before you finalize the divorce. Maybe having a taste of what a divorce will be like while you do plan B will clear up the confusion. Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi there,<BR> I am sure you are confused and in alot of pain. I have been there also.<BR> When my husband was confused, was probably the hardest part, he says he loves you and yet can't commit. ouch.<BR> I would say yes take him to see the movie "The Story Of Us".<BR> After the movie my husband said if we had not made it back together he would have left the movie in the middle crying and ran looking for me.<BR> It basically shows a couple who has lost there love and think they can be happy without eachother and then realize what they will loose.<BR> I was sitting there crying thinking my h was wondering what was wrong with me, and when it was over I ran to the restroom to try and fix my face, (how embarrassing).<BR> I tend to get very emotional at things, and I thought I would have to explain to him why I was crying.<BR> When I came out of the bathroom, there he was waiting for me, with tears in his eyes and a big hug for me.<BR> I can't describe how that made me feel to think he was just a touched as I was over a movie. Wow.<BR> I wish you luck and love, and I hope you can work this out.

Thanks!<P>I talked to H a while ago and he agreed that he is so confused and is miserable. He also agreed that he has been dragging his feet where the divorce is concerned. He is still unable to make a decision. We will just see where life takes us. <P><P>------------------<BR>H

Uhhh...dhj,<P>I could have written this post - all except for the OW wants kids part and the fact that H is not living with OW (this time) but in his own place. <P>We are a bit further along, or at least have completed one more confusing circular loop. My H was adamant about the divorce when he moved out 2+ mos ago, but neither of us filed-though we did see a mediator once. After 2 mos of separation, he began to tell me some of the kinds of things you list here and it led to us spending more time together, a great anniversary weekend and now finally - more confusion and withdrawal on his part. My H said he was "trying to see if he could come back" to me - but still felt very confused and decided it was not fair to me and he doesn't deserve me - so he has backed off once again. (As a side effect - the OW I think got VERY p.o'd. that he had spent so much time with me - I am sure she is just as frustrated with his indecision as I was at one time - can you say "lovebusting").<P>I guess my thoughts are that this is another loop in the rollercoaster. He is letting you see his confusion, and it could be leading toward a resolution (real decision to divorce or commit) or it could be just more confusion. If you do not want the divorce, back off on the pace and give him some time to work through his feelings - but do not make the mistake of thinking you can do anything to make him decide or to affect the pace of this process. Keep the focus on you and what you are willing to tolerate and see where he takes it. If it feels good to listen to him and be receptive to his suggestions do it - otherwise, let him work through it alone.<P>Good luck,<BR>Starpony

Hi dhj,<P>I was going back reading old posts because I too have been out of the loop for awhile.<P>Is your husband religious at all? One thing that helped me and my H get over this hump and helped him to forgive himself and ask God for forgiveness was to turn to his church and faith. He had all but ignored God before this. My H can now say God has forgiven him and I believe him because he was trully sorry. <P>The only big differences between mine and your situation is that my H quickly learned what a true witch and psycho he was with. She was very confusing and did not ever give him a chance to think about what he was doing. She was very intoxicating. She was so nasty to me and said such horrible things. I just kept my H informed about her behavior and he soon learned that he had made a very big mistake. I was lucky because he never moved out. The only reason was because of the money situation. We could not have afforded him moving out. I don't know what would have happened if he had.<P>I just wanted to stress this importance of your faith. I turned to our pastor for help. He helped me to deal with this and when my H was ready he talked with him as well. My H was like yours and wanted to the life away from children...the free, run around, do what you want,etc life. He really has changed. It has taken so much for us to get to this point, but it only worked because he decided he wanted it to work. I talked and he listened, but it was his final decision.<P>Sorry I blabbed on, but I want this to work for you so bad and I know it can. Have faith and turn to God and let him be a part of your lives and help you all through this. God bless your family for their support. You are very lucky. Keep us posted on your progress.<P>Cracker

Thanks Cracker<P>My H is not religious. That is something many people have suggested. <P>He wanted to move out for space, but once he left he soon discovered that we couldn't afford it. That is why he is living with her. <P>He is showing more interest in our son, but has not learned the true OW. Everyone who knows her sees it, but him. He says no one really knows her! <P>Oh well - he is trying to ruin his life. I wish I could stop him. I have tried.