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Hello, I am new to this forum. I have desperately been seeking for an answer and at this point I am so confused. Next week will be my 6 year anniv. I am 26 yrs old and my husband is 8 yrs older. He was my high school teacher. Just a month ago I realized why I had gotten married. I come from a broken home, even after my dad left home, there was still a lot of conflict between my grandmother, older sister and mother. I was ready to marry the love of my life at 19, but my mother kept making me feel inferior, she kept making fun of me, saying I had settled for someone worse off financially, a nobody. I got tired of her constantly hurting me, that I decided that the best thing to do was leave my relationship. During the week of Sept.11, my current husband (ex-teacher at that time) Sent me an email asking how I was doing, if I had married,etc. (we emailed about 3x a yr just to say hello) Then on one email he asked me to go out to dinner, we did, he asked me out,etc. At the same time I had decided to give my heart to the Lord, I was tired of feeling lonely. At that point life got miserable at home, they constantly laughed at how I was now a Christian, they would hide food from me, etc. So one night I called my husband (then bf) and told him I was desperately wanting to get out of the house, so he went and picked me up and took me to live with him. We slept in separate rooms, and this was something nobody has ever believed. I felt an immense peace around him, I felt like God had placed him in my life. Our pastor found out we were living in the same house and since then we felt pressured to get married. So we did, I married him blindly thinking that after being married, my feelings for him would grow, I felt so thankful for him taking me out of the hell I was living. Unfortunately I now realize that he is too old for me, we are at different stages of our life, I see him more as a father figure, I love him as a brother, but my heart is still for the one I left years ago. I don't want to hurt our two kids ages 2 and 5 with a divorce, plus I know that isn't God's will. I have tried to talk to my husband but he says a good Christian should not feel sad or talk about feelings and that not all marriages need love to stay together. Any advice?
"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
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but my heart is still for the one I left years ago. How often do you see the one you left years ago? When was the last time you saw or talked to him?
BW 38 (me) FWH 42 Married 7 years DD 6 SD 15 11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out 3-2007 I told H I wanted him back 3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's 4-2007 H moved back in for good Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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I have not spoken to him or seen him since I left him in 2001. I see many people that once they see their exes, they instantly feel the grass might be greener on the other side but that is not my case. I know my husband was the best choice for me, and that is why I married him. I love him but not as a husband. I am not trying to go back with my ex, by now he might even be married also.
"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
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Melissa, wouldn't you agree that the best possible outcome would be for you to be in love with your husband? You have a history with him and 2 children together.
What if we could show you a way to do that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, do you have any male friends right now?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, that would be the best thing but as I said before. I see him as a father figure, how can I change that? Also, I do not have any male friends. I am a stay at home mother with no friends either male or female, and my husband doesn't have any friends either. See, there isn't anyone trying to break our marriage, I have just gotten tired of having to fake that I am in love when I really am not. Plus he doesn't do anything to help the problem! I have given up, because usually when I bring up the fact that we could both try harder to see if my feelings change, he says that my love is conditional and that love is supposed to be longsuffering. He is totally fine with the idea that I don't love him, he says that there's nothing he can do. I am a pretty happy go lucky kind of person and it has helped me to be optimistic, but at this moment I feel weak and alone in this.
"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
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Try following the program here and see what happens. Do that before you try leaving. It starts with learning your H's Love Busters, and you stop doing them. Try that for a month. Then learn his Emotional Needs, and start meeting them, one at a time, one each month. At the same time, work on finding things you and your H can do - alone - to add up to 15 hours per week. This may take some thinking, but you can do it. Take walks, play board games after the kids are asleep, do jigsaw puzzles together, take a day trip, try out new restaurants, join a gym together (most have babysitting)...use your imagination, until you are spending 15 hours together each week.
This should take you into the summer. I can pretty much guarantee things are going to seem different by then.
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, I have just gotten tired of having to fake that I am in love when I really am not. Melissa, I think part of the problem is that you have been faking your love for him. The problem cant be resolved if you aren't honest about it. There is no reason you can't both be in love but it is not going to come by osmosis. You have to work at it and have to have a plan. The marriage builders concepts really do work if you try. I would get the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love and His Needs, Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley. A good article on this subject is: here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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At the same time, work on finding things you and your H can do - alone - to add up to 15 hours per week. This is very important. 15 hours per week ALONE, meeting each others needs and avoiding lovebusters is how you can fall in love again. I think it will take longer than 1 month, though. Closer to 6-12 months. But it is very possible if you are both committed to the plan. Can you afford marriage coaching with the Harleys? They charge around $195 and will assess your marriage and give you a plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have tried to get him to work with me. There have been times when I am so excited to try but he shows no interest. I have tried sitting down to talk, he listens and gets distracted in the first 5 minutes and then he will say, "I'm sorry can we talk about this later?" I have tried recording Jimmy and Karen's Marriage today show, he does not watch it with me, I have saved articles from online Christian sources and he promises he will read them, weeks later he says he hasn't had the chance, to stop nagging him.
About the time together, I have tried that also with no luck. I have asked him to take me out, he won't. Last time we watched a movie was when "The Passion of Christ" came out, and that is because our church was going as a group. Our first dates before marriage he did take me out to eat about 5 times, after that he asked me to cook at home instead. I am a very creative person, but I ran out of ideas as to what makes him happy. Asking does not help, he says he does not like talking, he does not like being around people, he doesn't like movies, why eat out and waste so much money when we can eat at home, and when I said we should be more intimate than once every 2 mos. he told me I was "sick" because that was all I could think about. He has never remembered an anniversary and when I remind him a week later, he will say "maybe next year we'll remember"
So as you can see, I am exhausted trying to make this better. It is probably easier for someone that actually loves their spouse, but I am tired of trying. I guess his attitude has made me see him as someone even older than what he actually is, our life together is boring (I feel so guilty even spelling that word which is NOT ALLOWED at our home) I have made the decision to make life a little more bearable for me by making myself as busy as I can. On a typical saturday, we get up, eat breakfast, he gets on the computer and starts making study material for his math team "for fun", he'll print a few of those tests and take them "for fun", then he'll check his math team forum, eat again, turn on espn, fall asleep on the couch, wake up, espn, eat dinner, a little more computer, tv, and fall asleep on the couch. The end.
Most things I have read say what he has told me "love is longsuffering" "die to self" don't think about "fleshly desires" I feel so bad spiritually, why I am I so selfish? Why do I want marital happiness? This is part of an article I read and it made me realize that suffering is a sacrifice I need to make for God, my marital happiness is not what I should be seeking:
"The problem is that God also calls us to righteousness, and often that requires giving up our personal happiness for the greater good. This is referred to as sacrifice, and it's never easy, fun, or "happy."
The apostle Paul reminds us that part of the Christian life is suffering for the sake of the cross. "… We are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him in order that we may also share in his glory."
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I used to believe that spouses had to feel love for one another. According to my husband, love fades but that is when commitment kicks in! He critizes me for being a romantic person. For him, the men that do nice things for their wifes, "the smooth talkers", the ones always buying flowers and things of that kind, are the "players" who are not commited like he is. I am so confused with myself, I doubt my ideas, my faith, I can't be myself when I am around him.
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It sounds to me like this is the right time to tell him you need a change in your marriage because he is driving you away. Many men will not listen until they're given that choice. If he truly wants to be married to you, let him know what you need to stay there.
As for him not participating, wake up Saturday morning and get something going whether he says he will go or not. Pack his walking shoes in the car and take his hand and say "Come on. I want to go somewhere with you." and push/pull him to the car. Then go out and have a picnic or something. You may have to be a little more forceful in expressing what you want.
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Knowing your personality types might help you communicate more effectively with your husband. Take a look at this wikipedia site for info on Myers-Briggs Type Indicator information. This site will give you a self-test. There is a book, "Just Your Type", by Barron and Tieger that will give you information on how the different types communicate and how you might modify your communication to more effectively reach and engage your husband.
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I will try just one more time. Thanks for your advice. I am just so afraid. He gets tired very easily, both of our moms know that when he is tired it is best to be away because he turns into a very scary person. I will have to take the risk though. I just took the Myers-Briggs test and according to it I am an ESFP "The Entertainer". I just sent an email to my husband to see if he will take it. His luch time is close, so hopefully he will take it and send me the results. I have sent him tests like this before and he always makes fun of me, he says I overanalyze things.
Thank you everyone for showing interest in my problem, I look forward to learning from all of you. God bless you all.
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He gets tired very easily, both of our moms know that when he is tired it is best to be away because he turns into a very scary person. Can you elaborate on this? I don't understand.
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Ok, lets say that we go to the grocery store, he first starts by getting a very serious look in his face, then he won't want to talk with me, then he yells for any little thing. I.E. he will yell at our son for not sitting in his car seat as quick as he wants him to, the scariest part is the faces that he makes, like he is about to hit someone. Then my son starts crying, I try to make him feel better because I feel he's being too harsh, then he turns to me and says I am enabling his misbehavior, etc. So we usually can't end a trip without arguing. When we moved into our new house, he had been tired and kept yelling at me. He had my brother in law carry something very heavy, and he isn't supposed to he had just had surgery, so I just told my husband, "Could you please help him, he isn't supposed to carry heavy things" He turned and in front of my mom, he put his face right in front of mine and pointed into my face and said "Don't you ever do that again, you will give me respect and I will not tolerate you talking to me like that, don't you think that you can treat me like that again!" He got red, his face turned very ugly and then he walked away. At first I remember smiling because I thought he was playing, then I cried out of the humiliation in front of my mom (like I need another thing for her to critizice my choices!) Another example was when we went out somewhere with his mom and sister (visiting from Colorado, we're in Texas) and his sister just made a comment about him not asking for help, I forget exactly what he said, but I do remember him getting the same face and yelling, needless to say, his 40 yr old sister also cried. His mom just tells me to ignore him, to not talk or be around him when he is tired. So that is why I don't try to go out with him!
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Ok, this is completely different. What you have is a dysfunctional family dynamic wherein you have given up your control to your husband due to fear of backlash. And apparently he's lived like that his whole life.
Time for you to change it.
The first thing you do is set some boundaries, and consequences of him overriding those boundaries: Boundary - I will not be yelled at. Consequence - I will leave the room every time you yell at me and return when we can discuss the issue calmly.
Boundary - You will not yell at our son in public. Consequence - I will remove our son from your presence until you can interact with him calmly.
Boundary - I will not let you cuss out your family members. Consequence - I will ask them to leave the room with me until you can talk calmly.
This is going to have to be YOU stopping this cycle of abuse. No one else will ever do it.
If you DON'T stop it, your SON will grow up to do the exact same thing. Do you want that?
It is scary, but you MUST do this. Do you have a counselor you can go to who can help you come up with specific language for your boundaries?
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First I will try to start planning some activities for us and do it without being afraid. If he reacts the same way, I will for sure explain the boundaries and consequences. By the way, his dad is the same way, great person, great heart but I remember about a day he was tired and yelled at me in front of my husband. I did put an end to that, I walked inside and told both my husband and his mom that I would not tolerate him yelling at me because I have always shown respect for him. His mom replied by saying "you have to love people for who they are" So like you say, his actions have always been accepted, and since he is a great person 99 percent of the time, he thinks he can get away with it.
I do accept I have become overly dependent on him. I don't drive, I have had this terrible fear of driving since I was in a car accident (I was a passenger), so I depend on him taking me to the grocery store every sunday after church, I can't go anywhere unless it is with him. He handles the bills, etc. Sometimes I have felt resentful that he gets to do more things than me, job, math team, competitions some weekends, online master's program, and I am here alone with the boys all the time. I told him that I wanted to start going out with my sister (to the mall, getting nails done, girly stuff) He said, "I think it's a great idea, just go ahead and take the boys and go have fun" I lost myself in this marriage trying to be the perfect submissive wife. I am not saying I feel I am perfect, I am far from it, I also have started to criticize him, yell, not talking to him, sleeping in a different room (he has night terrors and once tried to suffocate me with a pillow thinking I was someone attacking him!) I don't put on makeup or do my hair, I fight when I want to grab his attention, because when I am nice, he thinks that things are normal again and that I love him. I feel lost, and told him but he didn't want to hear it, most of the times he talks over me saying "pity party, pity party"
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You are skating down a path toward emotional abuse, if you keep this up. IF you aren't already there; I suspect you are.
First off, you will HAVE to get over this fear of driving you have.
YOU HAVE TO!
Otherwise you are a prisoner and he knows it.
Do you want your children to grow up just like him? Just like you?
THEN STOP.
When he says Pity Party, look him straight in the eye, turn around, and leave the room. Start using this every time he tries to manipulate or control or belittle you. He will get the message.
And I have two great books you need to read. You can get them at the library. One is The Dance of Anger; it's about your anger, not his. The other is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft. You need to read these to educate yourself on your situation.
Let us know how it goes.
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Ok, lets say that we go to the grocery store, he first starts by getting a very serious look in his face, then he won't want to talk with me, then he yells for any little thing. I.E. he will yell at our son for not sitting in his car seat as quick as he wants him to, the scariest part is the faces that he makes, like he is about to hit someone. Then my son starts crying, I try to make him feel better because I feel he's being too harsh, then he turns to me and says I am enabling his misbehavior, etc. So we usually can't end a trip without arguing. When we moved into our new house, he had been tired and kept yelling at me. He had my brother in law carry something very heavy, and he isn't supposed to he had just had surgery, so I just told my husband, "Could you please help him, he isn't supposed to carry heavy things" He turned and in front of my mom, he put his face right in front of mine and pointed into my face and said "Don't you ever do that again, you will give me respect and I will not tolerate you talking to me like that, don't you think that you can treat me like that again!" He got red, his face turned very ugly and then he walked away. At first I remember smiling because I thought he was playing, then I cried out of the humiliation in front of my mom (like I need another thing for her to critizice my choices!) Another example was when we went out somewhere with his mom and sister (visiting from Colorado, we're in Texas) and his sister just made a comment about him not asking for help, I forget exactly what he said, but I do remember him getting the same face and yelling, needless to say, his 40 yr old sister also cried. His mom just tells me to ignore him, to not talk or be around him when he is tired. So that is why I don't try to go out with him! What you describe here is ABUSE. Isn't that sort an important issue worth mentioning? What are you doing about his abusive behavior? What are you doing to protect your son?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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