It sounds to me like you need to stop wallering in your fears and start acting like an adult. I can see why he feels like a father figure; you ACT like a kid. There comes a time when you are no longer a victim, but a VOLUNTEER. You really can't afford the luxury of being too fearful to drive anymore. That fear has not served you well. Its time to grow up and taking some accountability for your own life. Or if you won't, then don't complain when you don't like the outcome.

If you are going to act like a victim you aren't likely to get too far. You are old enough to overcome your fears and defend your boundaries in a marriage. Its time you got up and did it. He is not the problem here, YOU ARE.

That is verbal and emotional abuse.

Dear MelodyLane,

I am not here to "act" as the victim, if you read my first posts you will see that I admit that he is a good husband. All I have said is that it is hard to keep trying when he doesn't want to work with me.
I didn't come to this forum to be judged, my problems are real to me, I am trying to become a better person through this. Yes, I might have let fear take over, yes, I should have placed boundaries in my marriage but that does not mean that I did it in order to become "the victim". I believe that there are many women like me out there that have been passive in order to avoid arguments. This is not a matter of age, or maturity if that is what you are trying to imply. I got married to have peace in my life not argue. I went to live with him to run away from a life filled with conflict. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I respect yours, but that is not the way I think.

Melissa, what you have just described is a marriaqe where you and your children are victimized by your H and you sit by idly and allow it to happen. That is victim behavior.

Part of being grown up women is protecting ourselves and our children from such abuse. Rather than sitting idly allowing ourselves to be victimised, we take action to STOP IT.

What are you willing to do to stop it?

So what are you willing to do, Melissa?

Melissa, we are not trying to cut you down. We are showing you what WE see from your words. We are trying to help you. But first you have to recognize what you are dealing with.

Being married to an abusive man is not something to be ashamed of. It's not a criticism. It's us telling you what we see as the issue you need to be addressing. Because MB and every other place will tell you that no resolution of a marriage can happen until the abuse is gone.

Please don't walk away because you don't like what we are saying. We are trying to help. Please listen with an open mind.

With that, I will show you what I see in your words:
he first starts by getting a very serious look in his face, then he won't want to talk with me, then he yells for any little thing.
Abusers operate off their moods.

I.E. he will yell at our son for not sitting in his car seat as quick as he wants him to, the scariest part is the faces that he makes, like he is about to hit someone.
You already admit that he looks angry enough to hit someone; if he wasn’t abusive, he would worry about upsetting you and your son.

Then my son starts crying, I try to make him feel better because I feel he's being too harsh, then he turns to me and says I am enabling his misbehavior, etc. So we usually can't end a trip without arguing.
Abuse victims always try to keep peace by trying to calm down the children so the H won’t get even madder.

so I just told my husband, "Could you please help him, he isn't supposed to carry heavy things" He turned and in front of my mom, he put his face right in front of mine and pointed into my face and said "Don't you ever do that again, you will give me respect and I will not tolerate you talking to me like that, don't you think that you can treat me like that again!" He got red, his face turned very ugly and then he walked away.
Abusers keep you in line by putting you down in front of other people to humiliate you; that way, you are too ashamed to talk to anyone about it – thus you stay dependent on the abuser. He walks away because to show you remorse would make him weak.

At first I remember smiling because I thought he was playing, then I cried out of the humiliation in front of my mom (like I need another thing for her to critizice my choices!)
People who grow up with abusive parents (yes, your mother was abusive) either pick abusive partners or become abusers themselves – generation after generation. You don’t realize you do it unless you go to therapy to see what’s really going on with you.

his sister just made a comment about him not asking for help, I forget exactly what he said, but I do remember him getting the same face and yelling, needless to say, his 40 yr old sister also cried. His mom just tells me to ignore him, to not talk or be around him when he is tired. So that is why I don't try to go out with him!
As I said, people who grow up with abusive parents pick abusive partners or become abusive themselves. It is all they know, and we seek out what we know and are comfortable with. As will your kids unless you change the cycle.

his dad is the same way, great person, great heart but I remember about a day he was tired and yelled at me in front of my husband. I did put an end to that…His mom replied by saying "you have to love people for who they are" So like you say, his actions have always been accepted, and since he is a great person 99 percent of the time, he thinks he can get away with it.
Exactly.

I lost myself in this marriage trying to be the perfect submissive wife.
You think you have to be submissive because that’s what you’ve been taught and that’s what he has groomed you for.

he has night terrors and once tried to suffocate me with a pillow thinking I was someone attacking him!
Part of his FOO issues.

I don't put on makeup or do my hair
Abusers keep a tight rein on their wives, make sure they don’t look good because they’re terrified she’ll attract another guy and leave.

when I am nice, he thinks that things are normal again and that I love him.
He has taught you to stay nice to him, to remain submissive, and to not stand up for yourself – or else he will stop loving you. So you do.

I feel lost, and told him but he didn't want to hear it, most of the times he talks over me saying "pity party, pity party"
Abusers always belittle their wives and make them feel stupid, responsible, guilty, and in charge of keeping HIM happy.

He has admitted that he knows he can get "a little bit touchy" (that's how he calls it)
Abusers always downplay what THEY do and usually blame it on you.

I always feel like I might be overreacting.
They always groom you to stop believing in your own feelings; YOUR feelings must be wrong because he keeps telling you they are. That’s how abusers keep their victims from leaving – doubting they are worth anything or can do anything wrong.

Since I have avoided situations like that, I don't know how often he can explode like that.
Abuse victims learn early on to NOT tick their husband off; their whole life revolves around NOT ticking him off.

I will do my best to try to heal the relationship for my kids sake.
Abuse victims almost always think they can FIX the abuser’s problems. That’s why they’re attracted in the first place – they get their self-worth from helping people with problems so that person will be grateful and love them and not leave them. But it never happens, because the abuser never lets the victim feel at ease.

I believe that there are many women like me out there that have been passive in order to avoid arguments. This is not a matter of age, or maturity
No, it is a matter of letting the abuser take over control of the relationship out of your fears.

I got married to have peace in my life not argue. I went to live with him to run away from a life filled with conflict.
But you didn’t get it, did you? The only time you have peace is when you swallow your OWN feelings and make sure you do what he wants.

The part that you don't understand is that I never saw it as abuse.
It’s not a fault of yours not to recognize the abuse. The people who DO recognize it leave the relationship early on.

He is a great dad and our children love him.
Very common with abusers.

I do not sit idly and let it happen, I said that I try to make my boy feel better when he acts that way.
Victims always try to keep peace by focusing on keeping the kids from being upset; otherwise, the father gets even madder at the kids. More keeping peace.

I don't say this to upset or scare you. But to show you what we see so you can see a way to make things better.

We just had a two hour talk. He apologized for his actions and said that he will change because that is not the person he wants to be. I told him exactly how I felt and as MB advised I told him that I will not put up with his attitude and abuse when he feels tired. He again apologized and said he loves me and never meant to make me feel the way I am feeling.

The part about me not looking my best, my fault, I've been feeling so tired about all this that the last thing I want is to spend time looking good (eventhough I still exercise every night)

You are right to say that I trained him to be that way with me by not speaking out. Yes, I would say my mom both mentally and physically abused me. I also recognize that women that have been abused as a child go on and marry abusive husbands. I think that what happens with me and my husband is that he is an extreme introvert so anything out of his comfort zone gets him irritated. He has learned to get his way all the time, but God willing things will change. I am not giving up believing that God will convict him of the way he has handled our marriage. I for sure have been convicted that I should not be ashamed of my personality or desire to seek happiness.

I've been reading the posts for this topic. I'm happy that you found MB. I was on here during the rough times of my marriage and MB has helped me. I couldn't remember my username or log in. Anyway, it is clear to me that your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. It's very difficult to be in a marriage like that, I know because I was in one. I know you said that you had a two hour talk with your H, but what is going to change. Hoping things will change will not change him. Praying that God will convict him will not change him unless he is willing to change. You will know if he has changed if you see a consistent pattern of changed behavior.

Is he willing to go to counseling?