My husband and I are both in our 40s and have been married 13 years. I have always had a problem with him telling the truth even when we were dating ie. he used to lie to his friends in front of me, but stupidly , the thought never occured that he would lie to me. The were just little white lies.

Anyway to put a long story short, 6 years ago, a couple of my friends informed me that he was seing someone on a regular basis. All the while he told me that he was going for meetings or meeting up with some guy friends. He said he only lied because I would get upset if I knew he was meeting up with her but they were just friends. I was told differently by other people but I just let the matter go ( They met after we got married)

Last year I found in his email accounts a whole list of female friendster contact. Sort of like facebook but sleazier. Those women were all in their 20sand lived in the same city as us. He said they were friends only. I never met nor heard him mention about them once. He said it was no big deal and if I was so upset about it, he would delete them from his contact list.So I let that go as well.

Last week, I checked his skpe histories and found out that he had been constantly chatting with this particular girl starting all conversations with "Good morning/afternoon my beautiful darling... "he had deleted histories so I could only read the first sentence of each posting. Again he said they were just friends and I was making a big deal out of nothing.He is also still lying to me about some of his appointments and meetings. I really don't know what to make of the whole thing. I feel like if I let this go again I am being a big doormat. But he denies everything and makes it seem as if I'm being paranoid.

WHAT SHOULD I DO??? I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING HE TELLS ME NOW!!!Any advice appreciated!

Hermoine,

Welcome to MB! Sorry that you are here with the rest of us folks who wished we had never had to find this place!

This is not appropriate behavior for a married man. I can't say for sure but there are some serious red flags that he is having an affair. From the sounds of it he may have had some in the past as well. You need to get serious about getting the truth. From your own admission you must know you cannot get the truth from him. You will need to start snooping. Review cell phone records, put a keylogger on the computer, buy a voice activated recorder and hide it in his car, hire a PI. Whatever it takes, you need to get to the truth and it's not by asking him. Once you are certain he is having an affair then the great folks here can help you try to break it up and save your marriage if that is what you decide you that you want.

In the meantime, while you are snooping read the articles on this site. Become familiar with Plan A and Plan B. Read up on Emotional Needs.

Right now you need knowledge and a plan. You can get both of those things here from people that have been through it before you.

Mindshare

Frankly I don't think he's having any sexual affairs. Contrasting it with the girl he was seeing 6 years ago when he completely went off me and wouldn't have sex. Maybe once every few months.And he was obsessed with going to the gym at that time. Not now. I think he is just fooling around but his behavior really upsets me. And I don't know when he's going to take it further.

Let's say he's not having a physical affair but is just flirting and having fun, how do I impress upon him that his behavior is inappropriate? He doesn't think he's done anything wrong and doesn't think marriage counselling will help since there is nothing wrong with our marriage. It's like talking to a wall....

You don't really believe that, do you?

He's a player. Period.

Charlotte

Start snooping....this is not honest and open behavior. When you have to explain away your choices, you usually have been up to something you should not have been doing.