Hello!

I am new to MB, but I have read many posts and have a question of my own. I had an EA back in November of 2006 which ended in January 2007. I told my husband about the affair (I broke it off with the OM at the end of January), and the OM and I have had NC since mid-summer of 2007 (we worked for the same company... I didn't know about MB back then). He worked in a different building, so I barely saw him from Feb - mid-summer (when he quit), and we did not speak to each other. There was not much exposure, since I really did not want to be with the OM, but with my H. My parents know about the affair, and our pastor. I have a close friend also, and I know my H used a few of his friends to "vent" to (understandably so). The OM was also married, but I know for a fact he did not tell his wife. I debated trying to get in touch with her, but was too much of a coward back then. But the question still remains... should I tell her? I ache for her, and for their little girl. I feel terrible that she lives her life day-to-day without knowing that her husband was ready to leave her and their daughter for me. Near the end of our affair, OM was researching divorce, and how much it would cost him if he decided to go through with it. I know that if I had said, "Let's run away together!" he would have done it in an instant.

My question is... has it been too long??? Should I just let it go? I have a wonderful relationship with my husband now, and we have grown so much since my affair. I just feel terrible about the OMW, and I don't want her to have to live her life with a man who may cheat again. And again.

One thing I do want to clarify... I DO NOT want to tell the OMW for revenge against the OM. I have sincere feeling of regret for the OMW, and I just feel that she needs to know the truth about her husband.

"I ache for her, and for their little girl. I feel terrible that she lives her life day-to-day without knowing that her husband was ready to leave her and their daughter for me. Near the end of our affair, OM was researching divorce, and how much it would cost him if he decided to go through with it. I know that if I had said, "Let's run away together!" he would have done it in an instant."

Too bad you didn't ache for her BEFORE you chose to have an affair with her hubby. I would drop it and work on making amends to your husband.

Thanks believer. And you're right. I just needed to hear it.

So have you identified the conditions of the marriage that made it possible for you to have an affair, and FIXED them?

very nice to hear those words from a former WW. You should let it go..Looks like you have already moved on and recovered.

It's funny because I asked my xWW the same thing about letting OM's ex-wife and other close members of his know about the affair. And she didnt think that was a good idea. I guess she is still in the fog !

You ache for the BW and her child? Break out the violin. :RollieEyes:


You know no such thing because it didn't happen. If OM wanted you he would have left his W. He didn't. You acknowledge that OM barely spoke to you after you broke it off so it doesn't sound like he was too bothered by your departure.


While I do think OMW's has the right to know, you of all people should be the last person to tell her. Your words sound hollow. Not once did you ever mention apologizing to OMW for what YOU did, only tattle telling what OM did. Let it go.

I vote to let it go but for this reason: I think you may be still secretly pining for OM and you may be using this as an excuse for contact, even if it is just second hand contact. Do NOT contact anyone even remotely associated with OM. Do NOT.

I agree. No reason to stir up the drama at this point except to stir up the drama.

I agree with Tabby.

Any contact with the OMW would logically speaking, get back to the OM...who would then maybe contact you to either a)give you heck for contacting OMW and disrupting their lives or b) tell you that he has been pining for you and can't wait to get back together.

Either way NC could be broken. Leave it alone and concentrate on you, your H and the marriage.

Also, you call it an EA, but was it?

Sounds way too intense for an EA w/out any physical contact.

If you said lets run away, he would do it w/out testing / tasting the merchandise?

kirk

I really do appreciate all the comments here. They get me to thinking. However, I just want to clarify a couple things.

I DO NOT want any contact with OM. I am NOT pining away for him. We did not have a PA, nor would I have let it go that far. I wasn't ready for anything to turn physical, only because at the time I felt that would be the ultimate betrayal to my husband (and gosh, like the EA wasn't?? I was stupid). Doesn't make much sense, huh? I have since understood the fog I was in, and how my thinking was so irrational. I look back at what I did to my husband and my marriage, and it makes me sick to my stomache. Since the day I confessed, I have been working hard to show my husband that he is the only man I will ever want, and that this type of thing will NEVER happen again.

I guess the reason I've been thinking about contacting the OMW is because I feel sorry for her. And I am certainly sorry for what I did. I took away her husband's emotional state of mind and at the time didn't care. But I do. I have for almost two years.

I'm going to just let it go. I just wanted to get the advice/opinion of those on this board, since I have seen such wise response to the many other posts that I've followed along with.

I do want to add one more thing... Thank you, princessmeggy. I really was thinking selfishly of my own guilt in this matter, and not the extreme drama my contact with OMW would cause. I really don't want to stir anything up, and I am 100% certain that I am not going to say anything to her. It's in the past, it's done with, and I am going to continue to move on.

"So have you identified the conditions of the marriage that made it possible for you to have an affair, and FIXED them? "

I have, and continue to to do so. I read "His Needs, Her Needs" and many other marriage books that deal with boundaries, love languages, etc. I'm still reading, and learning from other successful marriages. I know how to guard my heart against an A, and that my husband and his needs are #1 in my life. I NEVER EVER want to put him through that hurt and betrayal ever again.

did you tell him that ? That you will never ever have an affair again ? I hope you did.