...and as I sit here thinking, reading other posts, being honest w/myself, etc. I ask myself, WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!?!?

Seriously. We can't cook or eat X, Y, Z because STBXH doesn't like that. I can't have people over because STBXH doesn't like people. Same reason why we can't ever go anywhere. We haven't vacationed ANYWHERE because STBXH doesn't have fun w/o his loser friends. He never knows what to get me thus the gifts I do get are typically disappointing...even in the case of this year, when I specifically told him what I really wanted, he didn't deliver. I suspect he didn't want to. (not invested!) He doesn't fit in my car, I hate his car, the movies he wants to see give me nightmares & my romantic and/or funny movies are a waste of his time, he's told the kids he listens to nobody, he hates people, life sucks...

I'm not bitter. I'm thinking out loud here. Why did I choose to put this all to the side? WHY and HOW did I somehow tell myself "we" could somehow still achieve "happiness" given all these things?? I deserve better!!

Julie,

You are starting to ask all the right questions!! You will need to keep trying to understand why you allowed yourself to remain in this situation for so long. Perhaps a good IC is in order?!? I suspect it has do with low self-esteem and/or a fear of being alone. Many people stay in bad situations because they are afraid to be alone. Whatever your reason may end up being it is important that you embark on a period of self-discovery and find out what got you to where you are. You will need to do this otherwise, you are quite likely to make the same mistakes in future relationships. Don't take this lightly. It's very important that you figure it out.

Mindshare

The "why" is ~~~> your identity has been hinged on putting yourself in the position of the "virtuous" spouse.

I recognize the payoff.

I think you're both right! I mean, I didn't set out to be or even want to be "virtuous" but I cannot argue that I have been! That's pretty yucky actually, since what I've really (claimed to have) WANTED is an equal, 50/50, harmonious, happy, friendly, fun and rewarding marriage! But he kept messin' up...and instead of (really, 100%) enforcing boundaries, I shook a finger & scolded & found a "boundary" that he'd "agree" to and went along the way. Each time, treating him a little more like the boy who keeps messing up.

I think my self esteem has definitely suffered. However, what's interesting is that throughout my pretty dark Plan B last year for 7 mos, I was really making strides in that area. I was good with ME, and I was close to indifferent when it came to whether or not I still wanted HIM. Then, when I ended Plan B because I accepted he wasn't going to change & I was ready to D, he committed to my "boundaries" and came home. It was then that the slow regression in me took place. A victim would say "he brings out the worst in me" or "he makes me crazy" but the truth is, somehow, for some reason, I ALLOW MYSELF to sink back into old, bad habits & ways of thinking when I'm actively his wife.

Yes I need to really delve into this and an IC is the best way to go about it. I'd like to continue to post here too because I'm learning here again. And, unlike STBXH, this place has been a constant for me for a few years now.

...and as of this morning, "I can't be out by this weekend, but I can be out by next weekend."
Me: "Please make it this weekend"
STBXH: (walking away) "Psshht, like it's just that easy"
Me: Walked away.

Here is where I need the extra tail-whoopin' to STICK to that boundary and get him OUT. It's best for all of us at this point.

Last night while making dinner STBXH berated/belittled DS9, name calling, leaving him feeling about this big and crying. I took DS upstairs and consoled him, reminding him that Dad's problems are Dad's, that DS did nothing wrong, he's a great kid, I'm proud of him, etc. STBXH never did apologize to him for any of it. He must go now.

ugh!

What!?!?

I think it's safe to say, this was another forgone conclusion. NOBODY tells Big Man what to do, yanno.

I could always have him removed, me thinks. Surely he'll give me no more money this month, but I've already got in writing, signed by him, what he'll pay me in CS...

I am horrified that he is terrorizing your kids and getting away with it. Did you say anything to him about this?

Hmmm, no, I did not.


Console DS, so that he knows I'm here for him, and he's not what his dad just said he is?

VS

Start a fight w/said dad in front of kids?



I went with my gut, jumped in & did what I then knew to be best for DS.



Ugh! is right.

ETA: STBXH & I have had very few exchanges of words this week. He was in the kitchen w/DS making dinner together as I went thru kids' paperwork for school. All was going fine, friendly, fun for them till he called DS back to the kitchen for something & as he couldn't find it, he yelled, "RIGHT THERE, YA BLIND A*S BAT!!" which was enough to break DS' heart & send him into the other room crying. I am ever-sensitive to the way he talks to DS at times. The crumbling of his confidence can be INSTANT.

I would say something right there in front of the kid so DS knows this is abuse. "PLEASE DO NOT BULLY DS LIKE THAT!"

You have to get him out of that house and protect those kids, Julie. This is sickening.

Sure, your son needs to be consoled, but he also needs to be PROTECTED. If he is scaring and terrorizing your family, call the police! Your kids are going to think it is ok to terrorized.

I agree...now. I cannot fathom why this didn't occur to me yesterday. Why my knee-jerk reaction was to save him...but not really save him. This is my mother. DAMMIT!

Can I make this right? What can I do tonight? I've got to un-learn this nonsense, and start teaching some real-life skills.

Julie - my dad was an alcoholic - who was verbally and physically abusive to all of us. She not only didn't step in frequently enough to protect us, but she stayed, beating after beating after beating.

I begged her to leave him. Leaving him was the only way I believed the beatings of her and us would stop.

She didn't.

Eventually, Dad stopped the physical abuse - I'm not entirely sure that what my mother believes stopped it was what stopped it. Dad stopped drinking 13 years after that. The verbal abuse stopped about five years ago.

Here's the bottom line to a woman who wants her children to have a good relationship with their father.

I sang at a funeral this week. Most funerals where I have a close relationship to the deceased person are hard to sing at. But the song that was requested had no emotional connection to me - it was a song about a father's hands. My brother asked me later how I managed to get through the song without choking up. Though I love my father, I don't love his hands, or his voice - they represent all the meanness that even to this day, I can't remember a time that they were kind.

Your son is still young enough to have a different experience. My dad didn't change until YEARS after I moved away. So I have no relationship with the changed man.

If you DON'T step in and tell your husband to stop bullying his children, NOW while he's still in the home, then how are your children going to learn to stand up to abuse themselves, ESPECIALLY when it comes from their father?

You have two days! Get to it. Let him know in no uncertain terms that abuse isn't tolerated, period. Not in your home. Not to your children. Get your children evaluated and if possible for the first few times of visitation, supervision, until he learns the world doesn't revolve around him and his "fun".

OK, I'll do it tonight when I'm home from work. In front of them, I presume?

Typically he'll apologize to them. No excuse, I need to be stepping in (I have before, but there's no "always do" or "always don't" with me) I didn't hear him apologize and I didn't defend him myself.

By whom shall DS (DD/12 has no biological ties to STBXH) be evaluated?

I need your help. Clearly this is foreign to me but I DON'T WANT IT TO BE!!

Julie - It will have to be in your own way - Talk with your child and ask how he wants it handled. Some fathers are very devious and vengeful and if Mom defends them publicly, it goes very wrong privately when your husband has your son away from you. But in the moment is the best time to stand up to him. Tell him in the moment he's abusing your son that verbal abuse is not going to be tolerated and that your son has a right to protection from his father and by his father from himself. School counselors make great first step advocates for children from alcoholic homes.

Thank you for the help this morning. I spent the whole day with an awful feeling in my stomach. I'd let my son down again and I didn't even know it, again. It's a terrible feeling.

Left a message w/school counselor and when I didn't get a call back I called again, and found out he's now retired and there a couple interim counselors who come and go. I'm sad about that because DS really liked the school counselor, but I've got a Plan B: I will call the IC he was seeing last year & hopefully he will take our new insurance, and DS can get back to seeing him.

Talked with DS after school/work & it's true, STBXH never apologized. But, DS is so quick to forgive - he's not upset & as of this evening he said, "well it was my fault, I should have been paying attention". UGH This is how my son is growing up. No more. DD was expressing her frustration tonight that STBXH didn't eat dinner w/us last night. "Just because you guys are getting divorced doesn't mean we're not his family. Why wouldn't he eat with us?" I didn't comment. It was the best option.

He'll be gone by the weekend. Has asked me not to change the locks so that he can get his stuff sometime next week. This is still all about his convenience. Agreed to still give me money this month. "I'll throw some extra on top, I made a few extra phone calls and I can put more on top" <-----whatever that means.

So, there's the update of the evening. Soon, our life can begin.

Today's affirmation (OH yea, I'm all about affirmations):

"I am willing to let go"

BAH! OK...

Even better than a counselor he needs the Dad to quit abusing him, he needs Mom to shut that abuse down (future abuse) cold OR he needs that abuser out of the house if MOM cannot protect him.