Okay so I couldn't figure out why my husband of 24 years rented an apartment without telling me he was unhappy or that he was leaving.
I found out when the aprtment called to say he was approved and I called him on it and he said he was sorry, hasn't been happy in over 10 years, no passion in our marriage, ect...
By the way he had an affair 10 years ago, we recovered and were very happy. I thought.
So I checked his cell bill today and yes he met someone online and has been talking to her almost nightly for along time.
I called and told him I found out and he says she has nothing to do with his leaving, he needs his own life, wants to be alone and hasn't loved me in 10 years, he never should have come back after his last affair.
I haven't seen him seen him, I left so he could come and get his things, I am so numb and sick, I can't eat, sleep think, work,
Is there any chance he will change his mind and come home, or am I just stupid for believeing all the lies?

Hi Brown eyes,
OT but I just noticed this Registered: 01/01/70 . Holy! I didnt even know the internet was around then, let alone MB.

I think you should ask the mods to move your thread to GQ2. It has alot more traffic and vets than JFO.

Click on 'notify' at the bottom of your first post and message the mods.

Sorry you have to be at MB but you will get great advice.

BTW all that stuff he said is just bog standard fogbabble straight from the 'Waywards Book of Verbal Diarreha'

And yes I ahve seen some apperntly hopeless situations end up in reconciiation. Besides you've done it once so you know that at least twice now he has chosen you

Oh, I'm sure he'll be back. But recovering from a second affair is extremely difficult, especially when you thought things were going fine.

You are going to have to find out everything you can about this OW (hire a PI) and expose to all her peeps and all his peeps. What have you got to loose? He's already left. At least if you expose, you have a chance at getting him back.

Well I found out about her by checking his cell phone bill and noticed alot of long calls after I went to bed to Vancouver, we live in California.
He says he has never met her, but I think it is his highschool girlfriend.
I can't hire a pi, I am broke and trying to keep my house and raise my kids, she is married also, and I called her number and left a message telling her about me and the boys and my 24 year marrigae to the man she is messing with.
I am so scared right now I can't even breath. the last time he left it was for 4 days and he moved in with his dad, this time he already has his own place, which we can not afford.
I would like to think he will try and win me back, but this time I am sure it is over and he won;t, he doesn't love me anymore.
I know this sounds stupid, but we neveer fight, we got out toghether, we make love, he was my best friend, I really just want to crawl in a hole and die.
I am hoping he will try to come back and that I am strong enough to say no.
Please pray for my boys, that they don't believe men do this and repeat the cycle in their own life.

Will your parents or his parents help you hire a PI?

Please keep to one thread, ok?

well here I am day 2 and more sick and scared than yesterday. Yesterday he called the house 10 times, called my boys all acouple of times and wanted to meet with them, they said no thank you.
He wanted to make sure I knew that I would be fine without him, that the last 10 years have been a mistake, and that he has been faking his love to try to make me happy, but it is time for him to be happy.
I don't even know how I will live both financially and emotionally.
I know I have been here before, but this time I know in my heart he's not coming home.
I have prayed and cryed and when I finally fell asleep he called to check up on us and woke me up, then I didn't get back to sleep.

Well you know the stuff about him not really loving you for the past 10 years is hogwash, right? Nobody stays with someone they don't love for ten years.

Find out who OW's husband is and who her parents are. Intelius.com might help.
Find out where she works and if the cellphone calls are during her working hours.

When you know that, EXPOSE.
Do not warn your WH that you are going to expose, just do it.
Expose to OW's husband and parents.
Expose to WH's parents
Expose to your children
Expose to WH's work if the calls were made during his work hours
Expose to OW's work if the calls were made during her work hours
Expose to close friends of your WH and close friends of the marriage
Expose to people who might have an influence on him, such as your priest.
If he holds any positions of responsibility such as school board member, PTA officer, etc. expose to those organizations.

Read up on Love Busters and eliminate them. AOs are easy to identify, DJs not so much. Pay close attention to how you interact with WH.

Meet his ENs as best you can. Keep the house spotless and smelling yummy. Look your best and smell divine when he comes to visit the kids.

Do you work outside the home? If so, have your paycheck put into a separate account for now so he cannot squander your money on OW. If you fear you wont' be able to pay your mortgage, utilities, and food, see an attorney about that. You may have to file for a legal separation and get the courts to order him to pay you a certain amount each month.

And do stick to one thread. You have a bunch of them and it's hard to know where to respond to you.

Hey Browneyes, Yep, your H is spouting the standard fogbabble. Not a one of them can come up with anything original.

All the blood rushes out of their brains into their nether regions.

Follow the advice given here. Don't tell your H about MB; it's your secret weapon.

I agree with Turtle, do all of the above and do it like yesterday.

I agree with Turtle too, especially this part:


He wants to be divorced, he needs to see what it's going to cost him... and not just money either!

He CAN NOT just walk away, the courts won't let him. He has obligations.

But, on the other hand, follow Turtle's advice to the letter. MB doesn't GUARANTEE you'll recover your marriage, but it's the BEST plan you've got. I can promise you this though, YOU will come out stronger and better than ever if you do these things.

Just FYI-recent post by BrownEyes on a new thread. I thought it might help to have them in one place and encouraged her to keep posting in one thread.



PS: I know she can change her thread title, but I don't know how to do that.

Browneyes, unfortunately the man you are dealing with isn't your H. It is a wayward who is addicted to the OP and the HIGH that he is getting from her. I can see how so many people are telling you that what he is saying, is absolutely hogwash, nothing special. And yet, how can we say that when it's your life. For whatever reason, and Dr. Harley has years of experience to show it, what happens to our spouses when they become involved an affair is so similar to that of an addict becoming addicted to crack. Their primary goal in life is to get that fix and they become, sound and look in their eyes like no one we have every seen before. You arent' alone. You aren't imagining and you aren't crazy.

Your in shock, you have suffered a tremendous, horrible, debilitating trauma that will take your own time to recover from. You may not believe this, you may not want to hear this, but you will recover. From the very loving and caring words of PM
Yes, many do change their minds and come home. But it takes work on BOTH parts. If he isn't there, you can roll up your sleeves, strategize YOUR plan A, make changes in you and go after him in Plan A. Prepare yourself for a possible Plan B and know that you are just shooting from the hips, but find comfort that there is a PLAN that can help you recover both your M and yourself.

Don't EVER believer your stupid, don't allow other peoples struggles or successes measure your journey. We are here for you, to help you, to cry with you and to watch you grow, prosper and work your way through this tough time in your life.

I look forward to getting to know you.

well thursday morning and feeling worse fhan ever, last night I fell asllep and this morning I woke up after a couple of hours can't stop crying and still wanting ti die.
I haven't eatten in 4 days I haven't slept more than a couple of hours a night and if I could think of a way my kids wouldn't find me I would kill myself right now.
This is hpeless, I can't expose anything, she lives in Canada and I only have her cell number.
I admit I got lazy and chubby, but I told him and showed him my love every day.
People say I am a great person, that I am beautiful and happy, but I feel like a nothing, I gave my whole life to him and he threw it back.
It is not going to be okay, I am not going to get strong and be happy without him,I can't plan a, I mean I told him his affair was emotional and I could forgive him, I told him how much I love him and am proud of all he is and what a great family we have, and how we could get through this, but now I can't se him, I don't want to, can't take anymore pain.
Plan b will have to do I am done

Please call your doctor and get an emergency appointment today! You have GOT to do something to take care of yourself. Please promise me you will call.

no I don't want help she will just commit me, or give me some stupid pill that won't take this pain away.
How do I take legal steps to seperate myself from his spending now?
I can't afford much so scared I will loose my house already lost my life.

Also I nedd you to understand that 10 years ago he had a real affair, walked out on me and our kids, came home 3 days later took months to feel better, he lost his job, she wouldn't give up, we finally made it through and were happier than any couple I know.
Friends and family said how lucky we were, now he says he was trying but never felt in love with me again.' He says he should have left then and that now he needs his own life, deserves it and I need to get over it.
Part of me knows he is in a fog, but I can't take this pain again, I can't go through months of walking on eggshells to convince him what he doesn't see.
He is already living in an apartment, was from the day I found out he wan't happy, he just left, no warning, took all his stuff, and moved on without me.

BROWNEYES



BREATHE..... HONEY..... BREATHE....

You can do this, you just don't realize that this very minute.

In the beginning I had to keep it to one second at a time, please G-d just get me through one second and then another. I didn't have any exposure on HER side either. Mine wasn't married, didn't have any respected people in her life. Heck her friends let her and my H sleep around from apartment to apartment. How grown up.

Please try to listen to me, You can do this.... You are fighting for your M, and you need to start strategizing. Are you readin on here? Can you afford to order the book Surviving An Affair?

BROWN Honey, YES YOU CAN... YES YOU CAN. I was THERE, oh my G-d, but I was there, feeling the things, the overwhelmingness, the loss, the pain, the destruction. I remember feeling completely destroyed, alone, crazy, I lost 87 lbs. You are not ALONE, we are here right along side you, every step of the way holding your hand and YOU decide what you can and can't do.

Give yourself a break, it's not all at ONCE. It's step by step and you CAN do this. I DID... And I'm doing OK....

You certainly can move through this and be divorced. BUT, if you want to recover your M, and YOU CAN, you NEED to do a PLAN A first before you go into PLAN B. These plans WORK, if YOU WORK THEM. But they are designed to work together and after VERY CAREFUL strategizing.

During this time of turmoil, working these plans gave me new insight into who I was capable of being and what I was capable of doing. AND YES YOU CAN....

Brown, what you are doing by not eating, isn't helping your children. They NEED you. They NEED you to show them the light, to step up and help them walk through this.

All I had was my children and all I could do was think of them and step up and be their mom.

You will NOT be able to understand this until you start reading and reading and reading on here.

Your WH is a monster, don't look to him for answers, they are LIES, they are MONSTERS.

If you are in DANGER of HURTING YOURSELF, call 911 and talk to a professional. I DID, MANY TIMES. I understand this. I can feel your pain, BUT you CAN GET THROUGH THIS....