he called agian and said he hasn't loved me in over 10 years, he was pretending so we could raise our boys.
He says someday he wants to be my friend, best friend.
I am serriously wanting to die right now and I don't know who to talk to

Hi BrownEyes-

I know that what you are going through is the worst pain you have ever experienced but you will be able to make it through. Please know what your WH is saying is designed to rewrite your history with him so that he can justify what he is doing.

I have put a call-out to others on the General Questions thread to come and help. Please hang in there. I'll be back on when I get home from work. I am on the West Coast also.

BROWNEYES

Browneyes, I have no idea why they say stupid things like this...

I DO KNOW that thinking that you want to die is not a solution...

The rest of the gang will be here in a short time to offer you some good ideas on how to manage this setback but if you are actually thinking of harming yourself PLEASE call your doctor or 911.

We ALL care about you.

God bless.

Jim

First of all...

BREATHE!

OK.

You know he's lied to you about other things recently; right?

So why do you believe him when he says he hasn't loved you in ten years?

This is typical wayward spouse fog-babble...Blah, blah, blah...

In order to justify, not to YOU but to himself that what he is doing is not the worst thing anyone could ever do to a human being that he claimed to love and vowed to love, honor and cherish till the day one of you died, he is rewriting the history of your relationship. It makes what he is doing OK, to HIM.

It is not at all uncommon for a wayward to say, "I haven't loved you in ____ years." They also say things like...

"I NEVER really loved you."
"We got married _____ (too young/too late/too soon/too early/before we knew each other/for the wrong reason/because I thought my feelings would change...and a bunch of other stuff that matters not a jot)

His problem right now is HIM not you.

Try to remember that when he says stuff like this you can look to your own memory and know that it is bovine excrement. you KNOW this is not true because you remember the truth.

Also remember that this is not the man you married. He looks like him but is really some alien that is not capable of telling you the truth no matter what he says right now. It is the AFFAIR talking...

Mark

BE, I know you are reeling from this trauma. Your life has been ripped apart. You are trying to sort out what your life really was. I am so sorry.

What your WS is doing is called rewriting history and fog babbling lies to you to justify his horrid actions. He has to come up with lies because he knows he has no legitimate reason to do this to you.

My FWH said to me:

I haven't loved you like a husband for 13 years. I was just biding my time until the children were grown.

My FWH and I are in a wonderful marriage today and he is horrified by all the ways he tortured me.

There is hope.

I KNOW what you are feeling.

You are going to get through this! We will help you. You are in the MIDST of the battle. This is not the end, OK?

The night of my D-Day, I was driving at 2 a.m. crying out to God to give me "something to hold on to" because I didn't think I could make it through the night.

I turned on the radio in my van to this song. I pray it give you "something to hold on to":

Tunnel

Hold on, BE. There is a light for you.

BE, I suggest you go to the GenQII board and post a new thread. Give the background of your situation (years married, children, all affair info, etc)

There is more traffic on that board.

I can't eat or sleep and when I finally fell asleep in a chair he called and woke me up to make sure we were okay.
He didn't want to talk to me he talked to our oldest son.
He has called 10 times today between me and the boys and he says he is hurting too, but won't ever come home, this is best for both of us.
I have refused to see him, I told him I love him with all of my heart, but the pain is too much for me to bare.
Is there any kind of chance that he will come home or am I just dreaming?

BE,

My WW recently did the same thing to me almost one month ago (12/27). Even though I am not in much better shape than you I think it is important to know that I am sharing a very similar experience as you. Here are some the things my WW has told me:

"I love you but I am not in love with you" - My favorite, oddly enough there is a book with this title.
"I haven't love you in 2 years" - now its up to 2+ years, this is from a woman who can't remember what she did last week much less 2 years ago
"I never wanted to hurt you"
"I have tried for so long to make it work or to feel the way I used to"
"I have not felt the same towards you that I know I should and that you deserve" - I get a lot of you "deserve someone better than me"

I could go on and on and I often wonder if they get a special book with things to tell the BS. I guess what I wanted to say is to hang in there. Believe me I know it's tough and God only knows why this had to happen.

I suggest trying to find a therapist, I did and she has been great for me. Also, remember to eat, I know you don't want to but you need to especially in this dark period. Finally, your children need you, that is what keeps me going, because our WS's are not capable of thinking of anyone else but themselves.

Take care,

well I checked his cell records and I was right he is having an emotional affair with his high school girlfriend.
She lives in Canada and we live in California, but they talk and text multiple times every day for almost a year.
He says he admits now that I caught him that he is in a fog and he promised to cut off all contact, but swears it won't help he doesn't love me and he wants out.
he says I am the best person he knows, but he doesn't love me and he wants his own life.
He is going to financly ruin us, my life will never be okay again,

Brown - I moved your other thread to GQII in response to yout mod alert. I can merge this thread with that one if you want me to. Try and stick with one thread - it will make it easier for people to help you.

Wow these are all of the same things I heard. I am so sorry and know how you feel. Please realize what he is doing has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. These are lies he has to tell himself in order to live with himself for walking away. I am so angry at him for the things he says to you. I know the pain you are feeling so well. It has been going trough this for 2 1/2 months now. But I think I am finally emotionally detaching. What worked for me is running/excersing through the stress and anger, Zoloft, xanax in the begginning, focusing on my kids and realizing how lucky I am to have them and reading. I have read 6 books on this subject. I started to feel better after reading that these are the things they all say and it has little to do with me. They wont be able to deal with the guilt and face what they have done until you stop telling them to. Back away, heal yourself, do not get invloved with the mess he has made for himself. I keep telling myself: I refuse to let his bad choices define my life. this weekend I am taking my three kids to disneyworld by myself. I feel so empowered. I am making a new life for myself, new friends, new memories and traditions for my family. He can trash his own life if he wants to- but I refuse to let my kids and I go down with him on his sinking, crappy ship. I will be thinking about you. Please be strong.