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Joined: Jun 2004
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Hey BE,

I am about 1.5 hours south of ya. If you need to get away just send me a message. my door is open. L.A. sunshine girl might be coming up to visit soon....it would be nice to get the cali MB crew together...

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Well my sister came over with loud kids and food I couldn't eat, and I fell asleep in my chair for awhile.
I asked him last time he called to please stop calling and coming over, and he said okay.
I was reading some posts while he was here and he sakd, look up the ones where the husband never comes home, they can't all have happy endings.
I know about the fog and the addiction and all that, did it all 10 years ago, but even while he was here worried about me he said some really cruel things.

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well browneyes his cruelity is to justify and feed his actions...

you can not
you must not
and you should not ever ever

give your self worth to any other humanbeing on this earth....

you hold great value here regardless and inspite of anything he does ...

anything....

browneyes we all know your pain...it's as palpable as anything

but

inspite of his words
inspite of his actions

none of them are the end all and be all of you...

none of them

your worth and value never has been dependant on whether or not your husband values and respects you....

you give him way too much power...

what would you say to your child if he/she was in your position

you are in our thoughts and prayers..,

we know you can get through this

whatever this ends up to be...
for there is no conclusion now

be well for you and your children

ARK


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browneyes - I remember you from almost 10 years ago. I used to post under the username "[Survivor aka No_Trust.]" I recently came back to MB because my FWH who had an EA/PA (10 years ago), just recently, had an EA.

I want you to know that you aren't alone. Please do not measure your worth by the actions or terrible behavior of your WH. You are worth much more than that. Believe that there are people around you who care about you and will agree.

Your pain is completely valid and understandable. But you need to refocus and heal. Whether or not your WH stays or leaves, you can get thru this. Your life can be good, with or without him.

I used to live near Fremont. If I still did, I'd go over to you and hug you myself. {{browneye}}


Me - BS (used to be known on this board as "NoTrust"

WH - 1st EA/PA, 1999-2000
2nd EA (Phone/Texting), 3 weeks (9/19/08-10/08/08)

DDay - 10/29/08

In Recovery
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I know you are hurting...it stinks...I know, I've been there and am still trying to get over it but am doing alot better. I felt very similar to you even though I wasn't the BS.
Please, open your eyes and try to see what this man is doing to you. Aren't you better than that? Don't you and your children deserve better than that?
I've learned over the years that you can not make someone want you if they don't and it's useless trying. If he wants to be gone, let him go. But please, respect yourself. You are worthy of better.
A friend just told me yesterday (we were talking in general about suicide and thoughts that we too had had in the past of it) and she told me that "it" is just a general disrespect for life and basically that it was a slap in the face of our creator who made us. To want to waste ourselves and our precious life that He has given us.
Get a phone book, look in the yellow pages and call a lawyer. Call the phone company and change your phone #'s and replace the lock on your doors. Remember, there is a solution to every problem. Pick yourself up and be strong because you deserve better and think about your children. And, yourself and try to stop thinking about this person that has caused you so much pain. And, do not be afraid to ask for help if you need it (from someone other than your H).

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Well I told him yesterday that he needed to stop calling me, I can't take anymore pain.
WEll guess what he did, and that hurts even worse.
I can't breath, and I know my self worth is not dependent on him, its just that when you truly give yourself to someone for 24 years and really try to make them happy, and you fail, it is beyond pain.
I am contacting a lawyer today and I know it was probably stupid becaue it is not what I want, but I told him I will never take him back so he should just be happy.
He was still wearing his wedding ring and he said, he is not sure it's over he is just going through something and needs time, I told him, no I won't do this again, go away.
I love my kids more than life obviously, but I can't stand the contact and it will continue the rest my life because we have them
They are 3 beautiful boys 22, 20 and 15, and they are very close to him and talk everyday.

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Okay I need nore advise, I am ready and really need to legally seperate myself frmon his spending.
He has rented and apartment and is furnacing it getting cable, internet ect.
Together we were financally sound, but now he says without refinancing our home we will go under.
I think he just wants to refinance so he will be okay, but I can't commit to a higher morgage for 30 years alone.
I know it will help us for now, but I will try to get through my side of this.
I called an attorney and they want $2500 to help, I don't have it, and I want to stop his debt today help.

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He is keeping you on the "back burner" in case this thing doesn't work out--a backup plan. Believe me, I know this.
Call several attorneys--get different prices. Most attorneys will consult with you at no charge. Maybe you could explain to them what is going on and they could work something out payment wise with you. Heck, put in the paperwork that H has to pay your attorney costs.
Do you work? If so, go open a new account in your name only and have your money put into that account.
You need to put yourself first...
Your children are practically grown with the exception of the 15 year old.
CHANGE YOUR PHONE #--don't ask him to stop calling--make it to where he can't call.
You need to start thinking in this respect. Hold your head up--take control of your life and your situation and stop letting this man push you around.
But it sounds like you need some legal help regardless. There must be more than one lawyer that you could call.

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get the money to the lawyer ASAP. If you have a credit card that you can charge the $2500 to, then do so right away.
I would not normally advice anyone to take on more debt - but your WH is currently charging stuff that will potentially sink the family. you need to take steps to protect yourself.

Find a card that you can charge - and get on it while you still can.

The thing about the lawyer - you are still just seeking legal advice. That does not mean you have to file for D right away. But get that money to the lawyer now, so you can get REAL LEGAL advice. Not just the advice of well meaning friends and family who don't really know the law.

I remember when I first saw a lawyer I was TERRIFIED. But afterwards, I just felt better to have real facts.

There is still hope for your M!! But protect your finances while you can.

I want to share one little thing with you - I dont know if this will be helpful or not. I hope so!!
When my WxH went of the deep end, and had multiple affairs my boys were 13 and 16. And like you, I thought that I would have contact with him for ever, because of the boys. I wanted to seperate myself from his HORRIBLE behavior, and hurtful words, but I assumed that I would still have to talk to him because of the boys. As it turns out, I have very little contact with him. My boys are 18 and 21 now, and last year I think I talked to my ex twice. That was it. God has taken care of me beyond what I could have ever dreamed for myself. My life is so much fuller, so much richer than ever before.

Get ready for plan B. Protect yourself. Dont let that man think he has any more control over you. Pull up your boot straps and let him see that he has given up a treasure - pure gold - to live in a crappy little apartment with cheap furniture.

Dont talk to him, dont cry in front of him, dont let him know your secrets. Let him observe from afar that your life will be well lived, with or without him.






Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
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It sounds to me like he is flipping out and having a midlife crisis. I wonder if the crazy plan is for her to leave hubby and move in with yours. YIKES!

I would NOT refinance under any circumstances. If he doesn't give you money, you can put in for food stamps or welfare, and they will bill him. Also you can often file for child or spousal support through the court on your own.

This thing is going to fall apart fast. Let him worry about the bills. Stand your ground. Don't mortgage your future. Protect your family.

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Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
I think he just wants to refinance so he will be okay, but I can't commit to a higher morgage for 30 years alone.
I know it will help us for now, but I will try to get through my side of this.
I called an attorney and they want $2500 to help, I don't have it, and I want to stop his debt today help.


Never enter into a financial contract with a liar or at least without an attorney. He wants to fund his fantasy with your equity and I personally would say h3ll NO!


You can have your 1st consultation with attorneys for free. Meet with several of them and ask different questions so at least you would know more of what to do.


I am sorry you are going through this, yup I know you've heard it, but we do know how you feel. I have been with my H since High school so I know the pain you feel. I understand your thoughts of not wanting to live as I think all of us have thought them, but you have to know that if you did how would your kids feel the rest of their lives knowing that mom did love us enough to stay here for us. I know you said how much you love your kids so push OUT those thoughts okay and right when they enter.

Now this is going to sound crazy but you need to pick your self up and find something you enjoy to do. I read a another book just before I found SAA and it really helped me in many ways. Well there was a chapter called GAL Getting A Life. It encouraged the reader to get up and get there own life outside of the WS. I am a full time stay at home mom and wife, I lived to serve and care for my family. Well this happened and guess what I picked myself up and signed up for a Salsa dancing class through the city parks and recs(so it was cheap). I have to tell you as depressed and hopeless as I was that 1 hour class made me feel better. That 1 little hour for the whole week was the happiest(if I can say that) that I would feel for 7 days until the class rolled around again.

Plus the added benefit, is that H was SOOOO irritated that I was taking the class and even going with girlfriends to practice at a local club(BTW Salsa dancing is pretty clean, and its all about the dancing, no nasty stuff involved so its harmless). Anyways he didn't like that I was still living and doing something so FUN at a horrible time. I think its great for WS's to see us still living and moving on with our lives. ITs a great reality check for them. So my encouragement to you is to find something you like to do and go do it. It sounds really dumb but you'll understand later when you do it.


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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Quote
I would NOT refinance under any circumstances. If he doesn't give you money, you can put in for food stamps or welfare, and they will bill him. Also you can often file for child or spousal support through the court on your own.

YES YES YES
I forgot to mention this in my post as well. Do NOT re-finance your house. Just tell him that you simply can not take on such a huge financial burden at this time, when your life has been completely turned up side down. The idea of taking on a new 30 year mortgage with him, while he is planning to D you, just does not make sense right now.

Do not try to rescue him from the consequences of his bad choices.




Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

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I texted him and asked that he see a lawyer and stop his new debt from becoming mine and says if we do not refinance I will loose my house.
I told him I will not enter into any financial contracts with him, and to see a lawyer and let it falls where it may.
I have a good job, but his is alot better, and we were fine moneywise without this seperation.
I know every cent I make will have to go towards trying to keep it together , but while he is spending, I haven't spent 1 cent.
He called and says he has to work doesn't have time to see a lawyer and I am stupid if I think I can keep the house

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Browneyes-

It's possible that your work (or his if you are on his benefits) has an Employee Assistance Program. Sometimes these will offer you a free consultation with a lawyer. I did that when I was figuring out my options. You might also check with a women's law group or organization. These usually help women in situations like these.

Your county courthouse may have a family law clerk who can help you with some of the paperwork for a legal separation agreement.

If you have a home church, call your pastor and see if there is a lawyer in your church who could refer you to someone.

In my state, the legal separation agreement started from the day my XH left (June) not the day the papers were filed. All the debt he incurred after June was his, not mine.


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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He is trying to manipulate you and so far, you are letting him. Comments like "you are stupid" are meant to degrade you and tear you down. You can not let this happen. If I were you, I would just cease ALL communication with him at this point. It sounds a bit too far gone at this point. HE IS JERKING YOU AROUND...

With your next paycheck, go and open up an account solely in your name. Go speak with the attorneys and like another posted said, get the real facts.

If he wants the OW, let her have him... He is not worth your sanity or your happiness. But, by all means, stand up for yourself.

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well he is all for the divorse, yesterday he said he was just going through something and could I give him time.
Ouch like I needed that.
I contacted a lawyer who said file today, but my courthouse says help only available Mondays andThursdays.
I told him since this is hie fault he should file and he says he has to work, not his problem and if I don't refinance we will be sunk.
I understand what he is saying about reducing our monthly bills, but I don't trust him and don't want to make this easy on him.
I appriciate all the advise I am getting, but I love this stupid fog induvced idiot and I want his to tell me he made a mistake and wants me back. I want him to beg and cry and say he is sorry.
Please don't tell me that will or will not happen, I can't tke it.

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Quote
He is trying to manipulate you and so far, you are letting him. Comments like "you are stupid" are meant to degrade you and tear you down. You can not let this happen. If I were you, I would just cease ALL communication with him at this point. It sounds a bit too far gone at this point. HE IS JERKING YOU AROUND...


Read and repeat!

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Knowledge is POWER, please consult with an attorney about your rights!


I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF???
Listen, I am another OW--not your husband's of course but I WAS an OW and I realize I may not be in the correct position to be giving you advice, but common sense is common sense. They all say "give me some time", "I don't know what to do"--he is just keeping you on the side line in case things with his OW doesn't work.

DO NOT REFINANCE YOUR HOME OR ANYTHING ELSE. This is what he is wanting you to do and he is in no position to "ask" anything of you. YOU DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS...

STOP TALKING TO THE JERK AND PROTECT YOURSELF LEGALLY. End of story with refinance. Distance yourself from this man and let him go his own way.

Now, as far as working things out--he will probably do what he wants to do and when things don't work out with his OW, he may come crawling back to you. Hopefully, by this time you will have seen the light and realized that you do not need this poison in your life.

RESPECT yourself because he is not going to. DO NOT give your power away to this POS and do what LOGIC tells you to do--

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Oh, and I forgot to mention: WHO GIVES A RAT'S BUTT WHAT HE WANTS????

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It is so hard to talk to him, so I have asked him to stop caaling and twxting me.
She lives in another state and is married with kids, they haven't seen eachother in over 24 years.
I looked her up and she lives in a huge house, hot tub sailboat ect...
He says this has nothing to do with her and that he will not contact her again, but it isn't why he was unhappy with me.
I told him no refinance and he gets angry and says mean things, so I am sure it really is over this time.
Last time he was in a pa with contact everyday, but he was only out of the house for 3 days before he begged to come home.
This time he is renting an apartment, buying things and sure this is what he wants.

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