Hi to all. I am new to this site and am in need of some advice. My husband and I have had issues in the past, and because of it I check our cell phone bill every month for unfamiliar numbers. The last incident had to do with drugs, not an affair, and the persons number was on there a bunch. He knows I check it. I have for the past year. So anyway, I checked it on Saturday, and there was a number on there ALOT. Not like last time, this was everytime I was at work or some when I was asleep. If he wasn't talking to this person, they were texting. I flipped, called the number, and sure enough it was a female that answered. My husband is a cook and this chic was a server where he works. I packed his stuff and told him I wanted a divorce, but then realized all I had was proof that he was talking to someone else, alot, granted, but it wasn't proof of an affair. They both say they are (dreaded phrase) "Just Friends", and that they mostly just talked about how unhappy he was because we had been fighting alot lately over money. I made it perfectly clear if I stayed he would not talk to her again and he agreed. But, what now? He won't talk about it. I know there is more to it than that, and I also feel that if I had not caught them it would have turned into something more than just talking. I don't think it had yet, but there isn't a doubt in my mind that it wouldn't have simply because of the amount he talked to her.

He says it would never happen. Once the screaming stopped he said that if I didn't know how much he loved me by now and that he would never cheat on me then I would never know. That he had swore in the beginning he would never cheat, and he meant it, that he would leave before that happened. But, serioulsly, you should see my phone bill. I never talked to a guy that much unless I was majorly interested. I called the phone company to get a printout of the texts but I need a court order, so I will never know that way.

I told him today that I needed to know everything, or I would never be able to get over it, and he got upset, and said that we were just starting to move past it and I just needed to leave it alone. I still feel like he is hiding something, though, and I can't leave it alone. I have two kids with him and would want to make it work out anyway, but he won't talk about it at all so I can move on about it.

He agreed to never talk to her again, and he knows I know the date of the last text I sent to her, and I will be looking at the phone bills, but just to be safe, I may have left a digital voice recorder on hidden in the living room just to see...

See, this is what I mean. I can't trust him, and I can't move on unless I know the truth about this!

Any advice would be most welcome.

Keep snooping. My H repeatedly told me that he would leave before he would cheat. He also talked about how impossible it would be to cheat and carry on a double life. Believe me, he became VERY good at it.

The vets will have more advice for you, but I would suggest you read all the articles on this site. Read about Plan A.

Keep your snooping sources to yourself so that they will still be available to you.

Blessings,

bump

If WH and OW work together there is contact. If he says otherwise, he's full of crap. If they were "just friends" he wouldn't be calling her when you at work or sleeping. :RollieEyes: The A is still ongoing. Have you looked back at other phone bills to see how far this goes back?


Do not sweep this under the rug THLM. Not addressing his A will only set the stage for more anguish in your life. His behavior is not that of a remorseful spouse. Don't settle for whatever crumbs WH decides you should have.

Sorry for your pain.

Does she still work with him? You said was, so I'm hoping she doesn't. If she does, do you know the people at the restaurant he works at?

Does he use a computer? You'll want to install a keylogger if so. Also, a voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car, or else adding GPS on his phone so you can see where he goes.

Once you get that under control, you need to start working on your marriage. Grease the wheels, so to speak, so he'll have no reason to turn to someone else to get his needs met.

BR is right.

Your H is full of chit! Or he would give you answers to all questions you've asked with remorse.

If they are working together, all this event accomplished was pushing the A underground deeper.

Ask H to leave this job immediately and then measure his response. The wayward script will be "I can't believe you don't trust me". It will be all about HIM.

Trust your instincts on this.


You see, if H is sneeking around making calls, he has proven that he is willing to hurt you, protect this OW, and demonstrates that he cannot be trusted at this point.

OMG....this sounds just like my H.

There's no such thing as "JUST FRIENDS" with OW that you are sharing feelings with, about how 'bad' your marriage is.

I agree with you that if not caught that it would have gone from an EA to a PA.

Your H can say all he wants that he'd NEVER CHEAT but he ALREADY HAS by sharing emotionals and depending on another woman for his emotional needs. And keeping it from you.

If it really was just a friendship, WHY didn't he tell you that he was talling to this woman?

It took my husband almost 6 months to admit that his skanky OW wasn't "Just a Friend". He keep saying that she was 'helping' him with our marriage and that she 'cared'.

Yeah right!!! All she cared about was herself and getting close to a married man. If she really cared about our marriage she would have told him that he needed to talk to me, his wife, about our marital problems. She wouldn't have been exchanging sexual emails and phone calls.....the b!tch

A "Friend" does NOT help you destroy your marriage

They both still work there. I asked him to find another job, and he started all this bs about how much he made and that nowhere else in this town would pay a cook that much. I said so you are telling me your job is more important than your marriage. He said no that he would find somethng else, but wasn't happy about it. The calls to her started on Nov. 26, 2008.

I scared the bejesus out of the OW, so I don't think she will be a problem anymore, and I have friends that work there and will tell me if they see them together now that everyone knows what is going on. I know noone has been to my house, my 4 year old would tell me, he just said daddy stayed on the phone alot. I left a digital recorder running my first night back to work since this and there was nothing. We only have one car and I drop him off everywhere (he doesn't have a license, he is 23 and has never had one)so I know he isn't going anywhere. He has the kids when I work.

Yes, I do agree, he already was unfaithful, even if it wasn't physically. You know what he told my friend? That he knew he had screwed up and he had learned his lesson and that we were (get ready) all gravy now. It will never be "all gravy" again.

I can't help but feel like he wanted to be caught because he knew I looked at the phone bill. That leads me to think that he wants out. Then when I packed his stuff, he begged to stay. And I found out he is the one that asked for her number.

How do I get the keystroke thing you were talking about? That would be helpful.

I want to leave. I should leave. I don't know how to.

His needs should have been more than taken care of. I never neglected him in that department, ever, he complained I was too much, nor in the emotional department. I am the one who wants to talk things out, he is the one who gets mad and puts his fist through the glass and won't talk. He was a totally different person the first 4 years. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I gained weight after our first son was born, but I started working out recently and losing it. So what? I don't understand.

I am a wreck. I can't function. I am really glad I found you guys, I have noone here to talk to. I am sorry for every one of you who has gone through this and worse.

God Bless.

I feel your pain. I went through this with my ex-husband a few years ago. Continue to watch for signs that he is cheating. If he is doing anything over the Internet document it if you can. I even gone so far as to memorize these sort of secret e-mails that were coming to his phone. I noted the e-mail address and looked the person up on networking sites. I added her to my list of contacts. She knew who I was married to. It helped during the divorce process because the young lady confessed to the affair.

By all means, keep your notes and documentation to yourself. Don't let him catch on to anything.

I hope you can work things out if not see the above.