I have been dating my bf for 8 months and we are sexually intimate. The problem is that sometimes he can't perform.

When things are going perfectly he can perform sexually but if I tell him that I am a little down from my job and then later show interest in him sexually, he can't get it up! Then he claims it is because I was sad earlier.

He also states that when I am a little down from a stressed day at work that he becomes afraid to lose me and can't perform because of his fear of losing me and because of me being sad. What?!

He blames it on that he is worried because I am frustrated from work and that he is afraid to lose me!

We can never have make up sex! Of course that isn't the solution to anything...but once we have talked issues out and then I want to be intimate, he can't get it up. Sometimes make up sex is awesome!

And sex with him can never be spontaneous...he always makes up an excuse as to why he can't get it up.

Please offer your opinions.....

When I see so many uses of "he always" and "he never", I see a sign of deeper issues.

Aside from the sex issue, how well are you connected to him emotionally? Did you get over your recent urges to end the relationship at every argument? Or your feelings that he belittles you?

AGG

Yes GG, I was thinking along the same lines. There are deeper issues at work here, likely with both of the parties. The sex issues are a symptom of other problems.

OMG, I don't know how I missed that!

Y&L, look at this. Do you remember last year's talks about what abusers do? They SHIFT BLAME! It's the number one step of an abuser.

if I tell him that I am a little down from my job...he claims it is because I was sad earlier.

Then they MAKE YOU FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR HAPPINESS.

when I am a little down from a stressed day at work that he becomes afraid to lose me and can't perform because of his fear of losing me and because of me being sad.

Y&L, this is TEXTBOOK beginnings of an abusive relationship. In 8 months, he already has you thinking you have to never show your true feelings in front of him, and that you have to reassure him you won't leave.

Please go back and read Why Does He Do That? and look for the symptoms, ok?

Could he have ED and be taking Viagra? And he can't get it up unless he's had a chance to take it ahead of time?

Good observation, Jayne.

Ugh. Yeah...sounds like history repeating itself, unfortunately.

I don't believe his is on Viagra. It seems as though I need to be perfect or "pretend" to be perfect and in a good mood towards him for him to not be selfconscious, and be able to perform.

I think I have been pretty straight forward with him in every situation. I do believe he has deeper issues, however.

That was not quite what I meant.

AGG

I think the question is how much is always and never? 50% of the time? 80% of the time or you're not sure.

Before assigning deeper issues to your BF, you may want to consider your own behavior. Perhpas your behavior is a lot more negative than you realize. Maybe he doesn't feel that emotional connection for a reason, or h'e worried because of how you talk about coworkers, etc.

All that said, if there are big problems now, I would suggest rethinking the relationship.

If he isn't willing to see a doctor, you can't rule out physical issues? Then, there is the possibility of illegal drugs. Or, maybe, he's wearing himself out when you aren't around.

If he's blaming you for his stuff, someone needs to reevaluate this relationship.

I agree with all of you. I have been thinking things through all day. Of course I can't make a decision in a day, but I have been writing some stuff down and reading things. Thank you all for your support and suggestions.