So it sounds like a WAS needs to be plan A'd more than a cake eater?

My WW is a "cake-eater" and it so confusing. Luckily, I found this site early on and haven't made to many LB errors.

I told her this morning that I have spoken to an attorney and that seemed to ruffle her feathers. "I never thought you would have spoken to attorney this soon" (D-day was 12/27). I told her that I didn't want a divorce but I wanted to make sure that I protected the children and myself.

I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said No. I said, that it must be hard on her to be in two relationships and why would she want to put her herself through that. She said I meet needs that he didn't. I said, yes I understand exactly what you saying, thanks to this site.

She has planned a nice getaway weekend with the OM for mid-April. I plan to tell her that would be a good date for her to decide whether she wants to remain in the house. If she goes on the trip then I think she should leave and I begin Plan B.

I think I have made some strides in Plan A. I have even planned a trip to Disney World for March (youngest DD birthday) to help reinforce what she will be missing if she decides to take that trip. One of her big ENs is family commitment and that is what keeps her here. She doesn't want to leave the children and says she enjoys how we are a family.

After reading SA, I realize that I have put my career ahead of her needs. I have been trying to meet her need for Affection and Admiration, two areas where I feel that I have been lacking. Its not easy, especially with affection because I get accused of invading "her space". I have backed off but still try and be affectionate without crowding her.

That's probably a EN OM is meeting.

agree with Rusty.

Joseph - is your WW staying in the house after the 1st now? I dont recall.

Definately a cake-eater. I believe my wife was a cake eater but could have progressed into a WAW. Geez after 25+ yrs of M at the time (we are now almost 29yrs, no wonder she found fault with me and thought the OM was superman. Didn't help that the OM was a rich oil and gas man travelling all over the world too.

OM was pure fantasy and I am all too real - warts and all. It seems that when the WW hit the 40 range - they go into anthr mode. The kids are on their own somewhat and they look around after yrs of service and cant believe they married the schmo next to them.

In ways I cant blame them if we dont recognize that we as men have to court our spouses continually. On the other hand, we men also were in robot mode to provide for the family, get our children in sports and school and other chaotic lifestyles. When we wake up and the children are independant and close to leaving; she wonders who is this guy . Does that make sense ?

This thread has shown that there are too many factors to predict how successful plan A will be.

There are WW's that walk away and never come back, and those that do.

There are WW's that are fence sitters. Sometimes the fall of on the OM's side, sometimes the BS's.

As for the "ethics" of a WAS, I think there is a little bit of screwed up wayward logic to that.

My WW has told me that she felt that she couldnt do that to me(living at home and secretly boinking OM). That makes loads of sense there...lol.

I have since found out that WW had talked to people a couple of times in the months before she left about the M sucking and she was thinking of leaving me because she didnt think it was working out. I thought when WW told me that she was already wanting to leave and OM was just a push that it was all fog talk. I guess not completely.

Looks like to me that a WAS needs a good plan A and a lot of patience. That seems to be, from what I read, the thing that happens usually is that the BS usually gives up. Waywards almost always want to come home at some point but their timeline may not agree with ours.

Oh well, enough for now. The kids are at the circus and WW wants me to come over and watch a movie.

Thats the idea of going into Plan B - have the OM meet all the needs. The gamble is he may or may not be able to meet them.

Another angle is if there are no children involved. I think Plan A needs to last longer to make any traction because Plan B will push to PLan D. No children will result in a WAW situation very early on.

What really bothers me when I read threads in which the WW is a WAW with 3 or 4 young kids. I can never understand how the addiction or the infatuation chemicals can over ride the natural maternal instinct - cannot get my head around this one.

I completely agree with you here. Women seem to want to be romanced (I dont necessarily mean this literally) all the time and if you arent doing that then they feel like they arent being loved. We are trying to love them the way we see and feel love and they want something different, which is why I think the top 5 EN for men and women are different. After lots of reading I was just not loving my W the way she wanted to feel loved and appreciated and she was doing the same to me.

Maybe just loving them for who they are and setting healthy boundaries is the way to do it. IDK.

My WW rationalises this one because she has a step mom and a younger half brother.

There is absolutely no reason, though, why a husband should ever stop courting or romancing his wife.

It took almost losing her for me to realize that.

I've also realized that keeping the courtship and the romance alive keeps the marriage fresh and alive and exciting. We have bills, kids with all their assorted problems and activities, a mother-in-law going thru Alzheimer's, money stresses, etc etc. Everything that in the past I could have used as an excuse to pull away from the marriage - but now instead of everyday life sapping my marriage, my marriage itself energizes me to deal with everyday life.

Exactly CC. I did not even know this myself. After my WW left I started reading. The first book I read was just one my mom had Men are from mars...and it really opened my eyes to what I was screwing up. My W was so sweet and loving for years and I was a PITA to her.

What about paternal instincts also? I understand that females have a genetic predisposition to child rearing that men do not, but a man can be a wonderful father one day, and the next he is all into the AP and not the kids.

I do agree though, that it upsets me greatly to read threads where a mother has abandoned her children. I just couldn't even imagine doing that. :twobyfour:

Yes, she did spend last weekend at his house but that backfired in her face because the girls figured it out.

I talked to them last Saturday, my WW and I were supposed to do it together last Sunday. She finally took them to dinner tonight and talked to them. Not sure what was said, I am sure some babbling about she needs to find herself. My daughters totally caved and didn't ask her the tough questions that they said they wanted to ask her. While disappointed, I don't want to use them as a pawn. Our DS (26) wrote his mother his version of a NC letter because of the pain that she has caused. She is so much in a fog that it bearly seemed to bother her.


Her OM is not rich and was living with his ex-girlfriend (girlfriend) when my WW met him in an apartment above the barn at the horse farm where we board our horse.

How did you recover your M?


She said something to that affect, that the kids were almost grown and out of the house and she didn't know if she still wanted to be married. Blah blah blah.


Totally agree and yes this makes perfect sense now that I have read SA. I had always put her and children first and I had moved to a new job and made the mistake of putting it above her and them. It was a one-time horrible decision and hopefully it won't cost me my M. However, she is in the deep fog and just told me tonight that this has nothing to do with the OM. I didn't say anything; trying to build up my LU's. She made a comment that I know that you don't believe that but I didn't fall for the bait. I just kept my mouth shut.

From the day my WAS told me he was not happy in 7/08 and moved out on 10/1 he never cake ate and I felt like I was living with my brother.
I did not confirm the OW till end of August.
H was in A for less than 2 months and never has seemed to look back on our long term M. I do feel replaced by the OW and if H choses to return I know how difficult it will be after feeling so totally abandoned and treated so poorly.
Never cake eated at all.

My FWH was a Walk away, i seduced him into becoming a cake eater before I found MB. Then when he found me on MB he stopped cake eating. then he started again a few weeks later.

As far as the plans, once I understood them I followed them faithfully. And for me they worked. I am aware tho of others who are doing as good, if not better plans and it is slower for them.

Perhaps my H was weaker and sucumbed to an A with less provication and therfore needed less tempting back? I dont know. I will say i believe in MB and i would do it all again.

Replacement was my wife's goal and we recovered.

I don't think that WAS's don't care, it's just that their needs are more important, as it is with all waywards, cake eaters too. And, honestly, don't all WS's think the OP is a quality person? Bleh.


Agreed totally. Look up evil and disgusting and there will be a line that says, i.e. a wayward spouse. LOL.



Doesn't the cake eater do this as much, if not more, than the WAS? A cake eater is in the home (usually), seeing the pain and suffering DAILY, and still continues the A. That is why a cake eater would be harder for me. A cake eater is saying that they want the M, but they want the OP on the side no matter what. While a WAS is saying they are done with the M, so who should care if they are screwing around with someone else. Neither is right and neither is good and it's all up to the BS what they can personally take. While the cake eater isn't totally rejecting their spouse by saying they are done, they are outright disrespecting them in their own home. The WAS IS rejecting his/her spouse (though I don't think they necessarily see the OP as a replacement or being interchangeable with the BS), they are, in a weird way (IMO), being more honest by saying they are done.

There's another $0.02 of mine. Of course, someone else may see it completely different, but that is why they say opinions are like [censored] holes...everyone's got one.

Brief threadjack...

Verve...

A quick question...I see from your above quotes that you are benefitting from the Government W.I.C. program...Which is GREAT if you need it, however, I am curious if you guys can really afford to take a cruise and then another trip to Washington state? I'm not trying to be a total killjoy, but something about that just seems "off" to me...

Mrs. W

Mrs. W,

I think that your question is rude to ask on a public forum and it seems a bit "off" to me for you to ask such a personal question here. However, if you are that interested in my monetary situation, I would be more than happy to explain to you in email.

My email address is below.

Thanks.

I wasn't trying to be rude, Verve...It was an honest question asked based on information that you posted here...I see that you are in early recovery and I know that financial strife can be hard even on marriages that are not in crisis...Just asking you to look closely at your situation and choose wisely...I apologize if you felt that was out of line.

Mrs. W