Hi everyone,

I could really do with some guidance? My DH and I have been married for 3yrs now but we have been together for 7yrs before getting married and living together. We knew one another at high school for two years before but just as friends. I knew ever since then that he always got along with the ladies and had alot of girls as friends. (he was a pretty respectable guy in school). So when we got together he had his different friends(girls) from church and school. Ok, so I know he is a guy that has alot of girls as friends, but I would always worry that in sometimes lending an ear to these friends could lead to them liking him as more than a friend!!!! and I would warn him about this... his excuse would be that he was trained in peer counseling in a youth group at church as he was one of the youth leaders....

Now after being married for 3yrs. it is still my source of concern and has gotten worse. For the first year we were going along fine, he hanged out with the guys occasionally and he would let me hang with the guys in-between and hang with my girlfriends whenever.... even now I would hang with him and the guys, and still do my girls hang out.... We used to have our friends admiring us and some even told us "that they want their relationship to be like ours' when they get married, cause my DH doesn't leave me home! One of his friends even asked us "how to get his relationship like that". But now it is crumbling and I don't know if it is all in my head or is it that he is cheating....

It all started for me when I let our cell phone bills come together on one bill and from their I would see the read out of all his calls.... boy was i shocked! He was calling at least 6 different girls occasionally that I have never met, spending as much as 15 - 30 minutes at a time with some and it would be at wee hours in the morning. (He works shifts) so the majority of the calls are made when he is not around me!!!! I spoke to him about it and he said that some of them are friends of friends that became his good friends and some he knew long time. He calls them when he is bored at work and I am not up those hours so he calls them. I asked him to stop calling them especially those hours!!! and he did stop calling in the wee hours in the morning.

I told him I would like to meet his friends, (cause I know if I meet them I would sense if they liked him by how they moved around me). So he did invite them to a party we had, but not all came. One came (let's call her M)and I didn't like her at all. She came smiling and everything but my vibes did not take her, I spoke to him about it, he said that was just his friend and I accusing him.... He still kept calling M, the more I accused him, I tried explaining how I felt and he just did not understand my feeling. It was like the more i accused him the more calls to her I saw in the month-end bill. One day again I had a heart-to-heart talk and I told him I would really appreaciate if he stops speaking to her, he has sinced eased up talking to her, but another one I met afterwards, he has increased calling her! She gets called for long periods now... I accused him and his response was "I feel he with everybody, and how she lives so far away from us and he is working hard to provide for his home" He broke down in tears and I consoled him begging for him to stay and let us work things out. He wanted us to separate because he could not take it any more and I was raising his pressure.... that if he is not making me happy then why do I want to stay in this relationship.......

We have argued so many times over the last year... I can't trust him and I don't know what to believe.... I have accused him so much and he would always deny having an affair.... Our sex life is not bad, he still wants/yearn for me and I for him and he would constantly touch and caress me each day once he his around ie once we are not angry with one another! He helps with the housework occasionally, he would go out occasionally, drinks occasionally, doesn't smoke, goes to church with me occasionally, he ensures that we pay our bills ontime, he plans for our future, (but right now I know he has his doubts about how long our marriage will last with all the conflicts that we are having) we have also been unsuccessfully trying for the past two years to conceive, so I know that has taken its toll on our marriage and he loves kids. I did a surgery recently and he was so there for me, during the surgery he waited in the waiting room and harressed the nurses afterwards to see me. He couldn't even eat.... I'm typing this and crying, is it me that is wrong in my thinking and is it that he just wants to talk to someone other than me sometimes???? The other four girls I've met and for all of them he has shared about their lives and what they do, little bits of what they talk about at times..... so I now know each girl, still don't like M though, but he rarely calls her.

Tell me do you think this is enough grounds for me to think that he is cheating??? I don't know what to think, he is a very easy going guy and people find him easy to talk too... cause he listens, so I know women would love that.... but I'm scared!!!! What do I do?

Ok so we jus had another argument, right now we are not speaking..... he is sleeping right now. I tried again to talk to him about the calling of this girl and I want it to stop.... He said he thought I would okay with it as he knew i would look at phone records and therefore he did it in the open, cause he knew I would see so that was a way for him to show me that there is nothing going on with the girl... He said he would ease up talking to her but not give up his friendship completely.... I asked him I have given up alot for you, so why can't you give this up for me? His comment was that he gave alot too....

He last tried to talk to me before he went to sleep but I shoved him off!!! and said, I thought we won't speaking to one another.... I have regrets of arguing, I wish we didn't have to argue he said his part about we could go our separate ways again and as much as I want my marriage to work at times I want to separate too.... I'm so scared of losing him to. I'm praying hard for some sort of solution.... I feel like ending my life at times like these too, like I have a lot of issues I guess and I'm frightened of losing my DH..... Is this problem becoming bigger than it should be, because of me? Is this something I should not consider an issue? I need help?

Many men don't understand why there needs to be a boundary about married men talking to other women (or vice versa). It is a dangerous thing to do, because the more you know another female, the more she is able to meet some of your Emotional Needs, rather than letting your wife meet them.

That is how affairs start - as friends!

Please explain that to him. Tell him that once people are married, there should not be any friends who you BOTH cannot hang out with at the same time. Anything else is inappropriate and has very good chances of ending up in at least an Emotional Affair (you think about them, want to be around them, want to talk to them - all of which is sapping the energy from your marriage, because you should be thinking those things about your wife), if not a Physical Affair.

Is there any way you can afford to have a one-hour counseling session with one of the founders of this website? They can accomplish a LOT in an hour to show both of you how to make your marriage better. It's about $200, but isn't your marriage worth that much?

FIRST AND FOREMOST, IF YOU ARE HAVING SELF HARMING THOUGHTS, GET HELP NOW! CALL A FRIEND TO COME OVER. CALL A HOTLINE--1-800-273-TALK IS A NATIONAL LINE. DO NOT LET ANY OF THOSE THOUGHTS GO UNNOTICED OR IGNORED. YOU WILL NEVER REGRET CALLING. IF YOU DON'T CALL SOME ONE FOR HELP YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO REGRET DOING ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU'LL BE DEAD.



Oh, the lessons of boundaries and those lessons can be hard on both spouses. I know intimately about them as I stepped of the edge. I was one of the few lucky ones and was plucked from the abyss by the one person who loves and and always will, bless his heart.

Catperson is right that people in relationships do not realize friendship with members the opposite sex can be very dangerous and is made worse when the other person in the relationship does not have a relationship with them, too.

Most of my closest friends had been male most of my life, and they were still into my marriage. As we all grew up, got jobs, had families, etc., those relationships were not thrown out because we all brought each other's significant other into our lives.

Reading this and looking back it was seldom that any us ever found ourselves alone with any one person of the opposite sex unless the one was the spouse--I didn't even notice that until typing here. If there was one guy, there were two girls and vice-versa and not always were any of those three married to each other. I wonder how we made that happen?

My OM was an outsider.

I digress. I think talking with the founders would be a great thing to do, BUT I would suggest you use this site to its fullest extent if you can first.

Recovering from my infidelity, we used everything here. The questionnaires were life savers and we were able to explain so much to each other about what we wanted, needed, and didn't know about the other. It was astounding to find out things on those pages after 17 years--when did we stop noticing and telling?

My husband came to me with them. You are going to have to go to him with them. Don't have yours filled out yet, don't read them enough to begin considering your answers, don't have them printed out yet.

Ask him to do them with you (do not fill them out at the same table, not even in the same room and maybe even over a couple of days--we took three days). Don't be judgemental, be gentle, maybe even a little coy--amazing how that helps--and tell him you'd like to try a way to re-get to know each other and find out what you two are forgetting or not knowing about your lives right now and maybe prevent recurring crisis.

Even with 7 dating-living years and 3 years married, there is so very much in your lives that have changed whether you realize it or not. You will be surprised at what you learn about yourself and him; it was quite enlightening for us.

Introduce him to the site, show him what you are looking at, talking about, etc. Let him look around on his own a little. Show him questionnaires and tell him you'd like to do those with him (remember individually) and then go over them with each other.

You review them together, NOT separately. We sat across from a card table in our bedroom to be away from the kids and we turned off the phones--line and cell. By the time we were getting through them we were on the same side and leaning into each other. Go right down the page.

We exchanged questionnaires and discussed them verbally and took notes even. You may feel more comfortable holding your own but you need to be sure you get to look at the other's pages while you discuss them.

Personally, I suggest you do the love busters last as it kind of reviews the rest.

In the mean time read here, talk here. If you can't find any of the books in the local library go to the bookstore and read them (most stores have comfortable reading chairs now). You don't have to buy them and you can take notes. I like Dr. Laura's Care and feeding of a Marriage and Care and Feeding of Husbands, too. They are helpfull, insightfull, and I like her sense of humour. Not Just Friends is another good book.

Kiddos? Stop trying so hard, especially not now. Focusing too much on that makes sex a chore, consciously or not, and could have something to do with talking outside the marriage. Get reaquainted and reinforce the foundations of your marriage which will relieve so much stress. Have some 'hot monkey sex' for a change and enjoy each other.

Marriage is not always easy and should never be viewed as a chore or job. Marriage is always a work in progress and sometimes homework and makeup work are required. And remember to take a Quiz now and then, and soak up the Tests (come on, you don't see the inuendo?)

You are allowed to be worried but you are not allowed to wallow.

Today we are married nearly 23 years with a 20-yo college man and 16 yo firey lass.

Thanks catperson and snaps. I'll look at the questionaires first before calling for marriage counseling. We are healing right now and rebuilding our relationship. I really need to read up on marriage indeed snaps and would look at different bookstores and see if I could get the books you named. I'll keep you guys updated.

One quick thing, I wouldn't tell him that you don't want him talking to other women because you don't trust him. That's very hard for someone to accept.

But the reality is, that what he is doing is hurting you right now. It's not about what potentially could happen, but what is happening. It doesn't matter what he is talking about with these women, the fact that he is talking so much means he is getting atleast some of his emotional needs from them, and that hurts....right now.

He probably can't see that right now, but if he were to cut off these friendships, he'd realized that he was depending on them when he should have been depending on you.