Are there any BWs out there who would like to suggest how they would have liked to have been approached about their H's affair. Or anyone else who has told OMW and could share their experience with me please?

I have one suggestion that my BH should phone... what should he say?? How does the conversation start??? - He does know her.

Thank you

ST

st, did you see my post about that on your other thread?

The only thing I would add is that you might want to do it TODAY so she will have a whole day to talk to her H before Monday work.

I did thanks, not sure how he should start conversation???

Both my H and OMW at work tonight (diff places) so not poss. Not sure where she works.

ST

Are you calling OMW at home or on a cell?

Have home phone number, her email and snail mail address - which is the best?

However he thinks best. The goal is to give her all the facts in a sympathetic, helpful manner and then offer his phone # so she can call with any follow up questions.

Home phone to be sure email isn't intercepted by OM. I just wanted to make sure that if it was a cell that your BH made sure OMW wasn't driving when he drops the bomb.

I think a personal phone call is always the best way because it prevents an intervention and it gives the BS a chance to ask questions.

I just cut to the chase telling BH that his W and my H were having an A. I apologized for having to bring him such devastating news but I thought he had the right to know what was going on behind his back so that he could protect himself and his children. The BH believed me right away (and I didn't even know the man but he was already suspect) but in the event OMW doesn't perhaps you can tell BH one or two things that would serve as "proof" that OMW would have to work with since her WH is most likely going to deny. Don't slaughter the poor woman with unnecessary details though. Just enough to make her see that there is truth to this.

I'd also suggest that you remove yourself from the room when BH makes the call. If he needs you for info purposes he can come get you. This call is already hard to make and having you possibly hovering over him isn't going to help.

I am __________, and I am making this call to you today because I owe it to you to tell you something that I know will be difficult for me to say and for you to hear. Do you have a place where you can sit and talk with me, where you feel you will have the chance to ask me questions privately if you need to?

-----allow BS time to do this------get to a private place, get kids settled, etc. deliver this with love in your heart....love and calmness, empathy.....................................

I owe you an apology, and know that I can never apologize enough for what I am about to tell you. I can only hope that my call today can help you in some way, at least for you to know that I am sorry for my part in what happened, and to know that I will never repeat what I have done to hurt you and your family. I don't expect you to forgive me, and I cannot ask for that. I only ask for you to hear what I say to you, and to know that if you need any help at all that I will not lie to you about anything that has happened.

About _____ weeks/months/years ago, I met your W/H at work/wherever. We began seeing one another and started a EA/PA in month/year. We saw each other (how frequently), and thought we were in love, but I see that we were not, that it was just a selfish and foolish fantasy, that my life, and your spouse's life, really belongs in our marriages.


I have confessed this affair to my spouse, and felt that it was necessary to do so because our marriage would never recover without my spouse knowing the truth of his/her life. As part of that, we both agreed that you should also know the truth of your life, and know that this affair happened. Again, I apologize, and am ashamed of myself for what I have done.


I know that I have just given you devastating news. You may not be ready yet, but if you decide you might like a website for help, I can give you one, or my spouse can call later with one if you would rather talk with him/her.

Is there anything I can do, or that you need to ask or say to me? If I can help, now or later, I am here.



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The BS may cry, vent, hang up, or whatever, but you've done it.

Be ready for the entire range, and just stay calm - stay with love and empathy in your heart.


SB

As a cynical BS, I have to ask this question. Why are you the WS so interested in how to let the OMW know about this A? Could it be that you are interested in the effect of this news, perhaps breaking them up so that he would be available to you?

Even after D-day +90, the OW was sniffing around to see if WH and I were going to make it in our M. I think that most WS's would be cringing at this and not so interested in seeing how to let the OMW know about the A.

AM

AM, in her defense, she was not interested AT ALL in getting the news to her victim until me and MrsW "piqued" her interest. Her husband, the BH, has agreed to do the right thing and alert the OMW about the affair.

Schoolbus, she is not making the call. Her husband, the BH, IS.

Of course, it is the right thing to do. Just thought it strange for a WS, instead of a BS, to be asking the questions. In our case, the OW was SO manipulative, always thinking of what she might be able to do to break H and I up. She came close, a couple of times.

AM

Don't worry, AM, me and MrsW put her up to it! She really is trying to do the right thing and I give her alot of credit.

That's good. In that case, I have hope for them. So many WS are "not carrying any of the recovery load". It is reassuring to see a WS who is taking responsibility and is really ready to "do the work" for recovery.

I was probably projecting my own situation here. Something I should not do.

Telling the OMW as soon as possible is the way to go.

Best wishes for a successful recovery. You seem to have the clarity of vision that is required.

AM

It is so easy to see what has happened with hindsight and MBs!!!!! Because of the clarity that this has given me on what has happened it gives me confidence in taking advice moving forward and I see that the official MBs line is "tell OP spouse"


I have been sharing my bad behaviour with my family and friends. One friend that partakes in mine and OMs hobby - (who is upset for me that I will have to give it up - she understood fully when i told her it was a small price to pay for my marriage and family. )

I have told my mum and dad and sister and several close friends since it happened - although ashamed - it is good to know that they know and that they are looking out for us.

I agree that H needs to tell OMW, but he is not sure whether he wants to.


Thing is as a fellow human being ( and I am) I can't bear for him to do this to her again - I know that as a result of me and om they rarely talked or did anything together towards the end. He worked a few hours a week so that he could spend time ( basically slacking off from his job) with me while she is working extra hours at the weekend to pay for their holidays. How stupid was I???? I am cringeing

and the other thing is, on reflection I think OM has done this before, he was 17 years older than me but I know he did have a very close friendship with someone 13 years younger than me before (she moved area- I don't think it was to get awayfrom him)
and I'm pretty certain he has the next one lined up (she's single), there was certainly someone my age very interested in him that he spent time with when his wife wasn't available and I wasn't available. I feel terrible that he could do this again and again and involve another family ( not forgetting that I had a part to play).

I want BH to do this but appreciate that he might be feeling vulnerable and pressurised and I don't want to put pressure on him.

I am concerned that H won't do it.

I know you guys have said asap - if my H isn't going to do it soon ( how soon?), could/should I?


ST

Yes. Call her. And apologize.

ST,if he won't do it, then I suggest you do it. It would be CRUEL to not do it. It is not telling her that hurts her, but the AFFAIR that hurt her. If she doesn't know about it then she doesn't know she needs to protect herself. She is being exposed to STDs and is being harmed behind her back.

Would anyone question if it was the right thing to do if her bookkeeper was embezzling money from her? Would we say "I can't bear to hurt her!" and not tell her? Well, she is in much more danger in this situation than in embezzlement so it makes absolutely no sense not to tell her. Her health and her marriage is being jeopardized and she doesn't know it. She can't very well fix her marriage if she does not what the problem is.

Why doesn't your H want to tell her?