Can anyone tell me how long it generally takes from start of affair or D-day till the fog begins to lift .I know you cant generalize but it would be nice to have a time frame .So far it has been 4 months since the beginning and almost 2 months since d-day for my WW. I have a hard time being patient .She means everything to me and I keep waiting for some sign that her "Perfect world "is beginning to crumble .I havent seen much yet. There have been references made on the OM's side to his wife but nothing on my side .

In my case it was about 6 months after NC was finally established. If they are still in contact, I forecast icy conditions with continued fog.

Rod, it is usually 2-6 months from the last date of contact. Once contact ends the fog will gradually start lifting.

Does WW work at the same company as the OM?

Do you live close to the OM?

How did D day come about?

WW has moved out ,Dec1st ,WW is living 10 minutes walk from OM .There is no way to limit their contact as I have the kids 4 days each week . They dont work together .D Day came about as his wife was trying to contact me so my wife had to tell me(Nov1st).

Wow. I have nothing to add here but support. Hang in there.

In the first affair my wife was in the fog and I had no clue about the A until she fessed up. By that time we were in couples counseling and she felt it was high time she came clean and told me so we could work on marriage. I'm fortunate in that by D-Day the fog had pretty much lifted.

Right now, three days post d-day on affair #2 she's regretful, remorseful, sorry...yet still in a bit of a fog. The OM ended things by stopping contact about a month ago. Don't think my WW has really gotten over OM completely.

(okay, those last two paragraphs add nothing to this thread...I'm sorry. But they do help me deal with all of this)

Again, hang in there and be strong!

I am doing my best .I had a really really bad day yesterday for no apparent reason .The WW picked the kids up just after I got home from work . I just absolutely lost it after they left .I was desperate to talk to someone .Anyone. I was in anguish .I called my Minister and about 5 others and kept getting no answer.Finally I called one of my neighbors and he came over to sit and just listen .It helped .I am so glad I have a lot of support .This thing has been going on for just under 2 months now on my end and it seems like 2 years. I just want a crumb .Just a little bit of hope to shine through this blackness I find myself in. I log onto this site and surviving betrayal regularly just waiting for replies. I have been going to counselling but as this is Xmas there is a break in my appoinments . I thought myself a patient person but I am in so much pain from the heartache that my patience is no where to be found. I WANT SOMETHING TO CHANGE!!! God give me strength the accept the things I cannot control and the patience to wait for the things you can !

Has the affair been exposed to everyone in your family and your WW's? How is your wife paying for her new digs? Have you cut off her money?

Have you spoken to the OM's wife to try and work together to kill their affair?

Have your kids all been told?

rod,

I hear your anguish and remember it well. This will probably go down as the bleakest, darkest time of your life. Yes, the past two months feel like two years. You're probably not eating much, and sleeping little. You can think of nothing else.

But, I assure you, your "bad day" yesterday WASN'T for "no apparent reason." You've been traumatized, man. The psychological equivalent of being run over by a Mack truck. You can EXPECT a roller coaster ride for a while, although it will slow down as you regain your equilibrium (and you can regain it, regardless of what your wife does. Encouraging to know.)

The folks on this board have all BTDT, so stick around. We'll help you manage the worst ride you've ever been on.

Right Here Waiting

To answer the last 2 posts- I have exposed to everyone on both sides of our families and everyone I can reach. My wife is paying for her own life. The separation agreement isnt signed so I'm not paying. I have been in communication with the Om's wife .She has exposed him on her side.His mother and brother are apparently glad the affair took place as they didnt get along with his wife. Wonderful .So many times I have to remind myself that i cant control most things in this mess.I'm along for a very painful ride. It kills me to think that the excellent mother my boys knoew didnt want them over Xmas for more than 3 days in 3 weeks .I can only assure them that they are loved and wanted and safe here with me. GOd bless all who respond to me and give me reassurance.

I posted to you on just found out, but I'll say here what I said there.

Your wife is cake eating and she will continue to do this until you do something. That means taking action. "Hope" isn't a plan.

She will continue to cake eat so long as there are no consequences to her leaving.

Have you cut her off completely from the family finances?

There's exposure. So that's good.

Time to move on to Plan B since she's out of the home.

Give yourself a timeline, but you will continue the cake eating nightmare for as long she wants it to go on.

You see, she has you playing along just perfectly with her little plan. She's going to string you along, stay officially married, and then carry on her affair while keeping you on the backburner.

Time to wake up, bud. I know you thought I was a little "militant" in my advice. That's because you're in denial right now and have hope. It's false hope.

I was there. I did just as you are doing. Your hope will pass and then you'll become angry. That's a dangerous and ugly phaze.

What you should do IMHO is go to Plan B. Write a Plan B letter. Cut off all contact with her.

How old are your kids?

You want your wife back? Quit playing her game and start playing hardball. There's no greater wakeup for a WW than being served for papers for full custody of your kids.

She's under the delusion that this split with you will be an amicable affair and that you guys will be happy friends once you get over your pain. It's a common delusion that WWes have.

Others can chime in with their two cents, but you're in a very common state for BHes. Trust me I know. I was exactly where you are.

Seeing my kids and "hoping".

Well, hope got me nowhere except divorced.

You need to make her face consequences. Plan B coupled with custody papers are consequences.

If you have a 4 and 4 arrangement, great. Make it official.

File first and go for broke.

Do you have a state that has marital misconduct laws? File for adultery. Get proof.

File that your kids be kept away from OM.

Or, if you do nothing, let her work him into their lives so he can start playing daddy.

Your call.

Inaction and hope aren't a plan. Fear of upsetting WW in the hopes that she wakes up is not a plan.

Taking affirmative action to make her face the consequences of breaking up a marriage, to include a custody fight, are.

My two cents is that you Plan B, with a Plan B letter, and file papers to make custody official.

How long will you let the cake eating go on for?

OM's wife needs to destroy him financially.

It'll make him so much less attractive.

You also need to contact their collective supervisors about them destroying their families.

Listen to pom. He's been through it all, and ended up with the short end of the stick. Let him guide you, so you don't, too.

Just found out that our 13 yr old son asked his mother if this ws really worth all of this last night .She said " I have been asking myself that a lot lately ". Maybe the perfect world is starting to crack .Now I must be very careful not to get burned twice. Have to think with my head and not my heart.

what's going with you overall?

This is my first blog on "Just found out'-
<My wife of 18 years had been under doctors care since early July for menopause sysptoms including anxiety ,depression and confusion .She was put on an antidepressant and soon became a zombie ,no longer caring about or for my two sons 6 and 13 ,my neighbors and or myself. She even spoke to our Minister about her confusion .At one point in mid aug she was talking to realtors trying to sell our house and buy a $400,000 monster behind my back .She tried in vain to convince me that this was a good idea.On Nov 1st she dropped the bomb.She had been having an affair for4 months with a man whith whom she had "A Special bond". She showed no emotion .My wife had been a wonderfully caring person prior to our doctors visit in July .We had little marital problems if any .We loved each other .She dropped the bomb on my two kids the next day with no care or emotion .I found out that she left our kids alone all night on halloween 11pm- 6am to be with this OM .She bragged to the enxtdoor enighbor .Totally out of character .She has taken on a complete different personality . She moved out on Dec1st .We hve the kids equal time ,4 days in a row . She has told people that she wasnt unhappy ,that she still loves me ,that she has a messed up life ,that everyone hates her ,she has ruined everyones lives etc etc etc .The man she is seeing has left a wife and 3 teenage sons as well .She is totally a different person and absolutely no the same caring person I have know for 18 years. I dont know where to turn next .I have a lawyer and have drawn up a separation agreement reluctantly .All her family and all our friends are concerned for her .Our doctor upon hearing from my about all the strange behaviour has suggested that she is depressive uif not manic .I want to help her at least return to being the mother she once was .I am taking care of me and the boys as best I can but feel I need to do more .Any thoughts .I have a thread on surviving betrayal.com under mike .Now I find myself here looking for answers. If she was the same person as 7 months ago i could just be mad ,hate her and move on but hse not she's messed up .She puts on this perfectly fine face to go out in public ,work and presumably date this other guy .Underneath she hates herself (Her words)

It is now time to move on .I love my wife .I would do anything for her but , she has chosen to live life with another man .I have done all I can to ensure she gets help with her present depsressive mental state .I am continuing to provide my sons a safe ,stable and reliable home when they are with me . I must consider my marriage null and void. If and when she decides to turn back in my direction I will be there whether or not it is sjut as a friend .I can no longer go on beating myself up waiting for her to "crack" and wake up from this delusion she is living. I must move on . I am not giving up I am moving on !!!!!!!!!!

My WW just called and lost it on me because everywhere she goes she is running into people who know "Her business" . She threatened me with a liable suit .That was pretty silly. I told her i'm not coverring up for what she has done .Whenever someone asks me how I'm doind i tell then that my wife is having an affair and has left me . She says she knows what she has done and doesnt need complete strangers knowing her business .I told that this is my business too as she left me . Got down on myself but now i am here. Letting it out by entering it on my thread. I hate the place i am in in life right now and have to believe that it will get better. I am jsut hoping that the cost of what she nas done is getting too much to bear !!!!!!!!!!!1

You are doing the right things. Exposure is working. Your WW can't handle the truth. The way a vampire reacts as they were struck by the sun.

Regarding exposure and everyone knowing "your business." Yep, I know you need to do it to break up the A. But what if WS files for D and leaves BS and kids for OW? I got my papers this week and I want to put a billboard in town (not really, but you know what I mean) telling all family and friends what he's done. They all know about the A, but they don't know about him starting the D.

Will exposing WH again because he's taken it up a notch work to end A or stop D?