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Chrys, I would definitely verify where she works. Perhaps you could call that hospital and ask for her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do not think coworker "knows" of the affair. The real problem is that your H sent the OW an email and is using the coworker as an excuse. If the coworker knew of his affair, she might not want to her up to your H.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'll find a way to verify. Man, I'm tired.
Chrysalis
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I'd add that to the list of polygraph questions. If coworker is in the dark, fine. However, if she is in the know I think H would have to restrict his interaction with her to strictly work.
Whatever the case, the problem is with H. When you say there was no resolution last night does he have nothing else to add and giving you the generic, there's no excuse?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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He says it was a stupid thing to do, and does not offer any excuse.
Chrysalis
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Man alive, Chrys, his actions are very worrisome. To be this far into "recovery" and to be so careless is a huge red flag to me. Have you been skating on thin ice all this time? What are your instincts telling you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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In a word
expose
in no particular order
- WH's parents
- your adult daughter (tell DD that her head shots were shared with her father's former (?) adultery partner)
- the office receptionist - do this one in person (watch her face when you tell her ... it will tell you if the adultery is news or not news)
- your religious leader if you have one
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In a word
expose
in no particular order
- WH's parents
- your adult daughter (tell DD that her head shots were shared with her father's former (?) adultery partner)
- the office receptionist - do this one in person (watch her face when you tell her ... it will tell you if the adultery is news or not news)
- your religious leader if you have one
WH and I are rebuilding our marriage after his adultery. He recently sent DD's head shots to OW. Do you have any advice for me?To DD21-
Dad recently sent your head shots to the woman he committed adultery with. How do you feel about this?To receptionist - (face to face)
WH had an adulterous affair with OW. There has been recent contact between them. Are you aware of any of this?To religious leader-
WH and I need spiritual guidance dealing with his adultery and his recent contact with OW.If OW has a husband or a boyfriend contact him immediately -
OW and WH had an adulterous affair. I thought they were no longer in contact with each other. I discovered recent contact. What do you know on your side of things?
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Immediate consequences >>> exposure <<< will be an embarrassment for WH - which is a very GOOD thing & makes future "mistakes" less likely.
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He says it was a stupid thing to do, and does not offer any excuse. Substitute CRUEL and THOUGHTLESS
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If I remember correctly Chrysalis counseled with SH and was advised by him not to expose. Not sure why, but I remember her and I discussing it quite a while ago.
LC
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If I remember correctly Chrysalis counseled with SH and was advised by him not to expose. Not sure why, but I remember her and I discussing it quite a while ago.
LC Crys has to determine how many times this sort of contact is OK with her - is one time OK? two times? three times? a dozen times? Once she has determined her limit - then exposure is the one best way to stop this sort of slippage.
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I agree.
I am a firm believer that waywards who do not face any consequences are far more likely to keep repeating bad behavior and think nothing of it.
I do think, at minimum, exposure to family and friends is a must at this point. I wonder if SH's thoughts on the matter would be different now than they were before.
LC
Last edited by lifeschoice; 01/24/09 01:39 PM.
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Sometimes - exposure is not recommended IF it appears the affair has already ended and it is unlikely it will restart.
Usually a misstep, in my opinion.
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If I remember correctly Chrysalis counseled with SH and was advised by him not to expose. Not sure why, but I remember her and I discussing it quite a while ago.
LC Steve advises DELAYED exposure sometimes initially, only so that he has an opportunity to speak to the WS first. She is way beyond that point. If the contact is not ended at that point, he does advise exposure. Agree very much with Pep. This WS is in a major fog and this is likely to continue unless she takes drastic steps. I am shocked she has been living on thin ice all this time. My nerves could not have handled it. This is a death of a thousand cuts.  Dr. Harley: "I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:
Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.
The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.
<snip unrelated>
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery." Chrys's husband's SECRET makes it very possible for him to continue contacting the OW from work with his coworkers encouragement.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My instincts are telling me that this may have been an isolated act of gross stupidity, but that I need a polygraph. I'll make further decisions after that.
I went back to bed to make up for last night's lost sleep. That helped.
Thin ice all this time? No. H has made remarkable changes. We have been doing extremely well. I look back and cannot believe I endured what I did, and I won't do that again.
As for exposure, polygraph first. H has no living relatives. We have no current spiritual leader. There will be no plan B. It is time for him to demonstrate his commitment to character, or not.
Chrysalis
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Chrysalis
I am sorry you are going thru with this. I hope the poly will answer your questions about WH. To be proud of your DD is great but to do a stupid act like he did is yet another thing.
Let us know how it goes.
I hope WH has seen the stupidity the steps back he has done to the recovery process.
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
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Chrys, As for exposure, polygraph first. H has no living relatives. We have no current spiritual leader. There will be no plan B. It is time for him to demonstrate his commitment to character, or not. Sounds like the right idea. Good luck. Keep us posted. LC
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I got my treadmill time in today. Good on me.
Anybody know of a good polygrapher in the LA area?
Chrysalis
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My view would be that hubby needs to do all of the work to fix this.
In fact, I would ask him to move out while I think about my options. Seems to me that he was proud of his DD, but is not getting protecting you.
I would be done until he could prove that he will do what it takes to win you back.
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