I am glad I found this group. I wish, however, I could have found it sooner. A little bit about myself: I am a 28 year old male involved with a 26 year old female. We are not married but have been in a seriously committed relationship for the past 7 years and have been living with each other for the past 2 years. Many might be wondering why commitment has not been made yet. The answer is that I have been thinking deeply about it for the past few years and only haven’t because I knew something was emotional off between the 2 of us for a while now. The major holidays would go by and I know she would expect me to go down on one knee and say the words…..but I didn’t because I was unsure of our emotional relationship and insecure about how that would play out. She is always there for me, always there to talk to me, call me, unload her feelings on me. She definitely was very emotional stable in our relationship and she has been for a while now. She never lost sight of the ultimate commitment between us; marriage. I however, have been very disappointed with my career and have been very unhappy with the type of work I do and how it doesn’t give me a purpose outside the house. Her career was flourishing and she loves her job, its exactly what she went to school for. As a result I made the decision (by myself) to put my career on hold since advancement would mean either leaving my company or relocating to a different part of the country. In this economy I was terrified to leave my company since I make a very good living and my job is extremely stable. Her career the same. I chose to put my career on hold for bit so she could build her resume. It seems logical to me, but again this decision was kind of made by myself. As a result of this I have been bringing home deep disappointment and depression with me and lashing out on her. For instance if she had a really big presentation and really did good….we should have been spontaneous and went out to eat to celebrate. Instead I congratulated her but really deep down inside I wanted to make her feel as lousy as me. It was always about me, me, me and she was always about us, us, us. Long story short is that just last week she told me she is fed up with me making her feel down and out, making her feel sad and making her feel depressed…when she is really not like that. She is very in tuned with her emotions and in fact practices yoga and relaxation activities. She dropped the news to me just days ago that she signed a lease on an apartment and is moving out next week. This was a blow to me because I just never gave her the credit that she would leave, I just thought she did not have it in her. We are both deeply in love with each other, we are both physically attracted to each other and the thought of either of us being with someone else makes us unbelievably sad. We are not interested in dating other people. But she told me that she has no heart or emotion left to give to this relationship. In the past we have had deep conversions about how our relationship is lacking emotions…this is really due to my part. I know this now and I gave her broken promises that I would talk to a therapist. Little did I know that was my last chance to make a difference. I just wish she would give me one more try…but she says she wont. But she doesn’t want to give the old me a chance…who would?

We are still going to ‘see’ each other…not as a couple as she states. But I know she is going to really need me once she is on her own and living by herself. We are actually still sleeping in the same bed together and are still together right now, we have no hard feelings for each other, and we still are attracted to each other. She just only sees me as a negative person and as a result sees our relationship as a negative thing. And sees giving me another chance as a negative thing.

My question is how do I know she really won’t give me another chance, how do I know when to give up. I would assume right now she is putting up an emotional wall and saying “Its over, its over” I understand she has been thinking about this for quite some time and I was just too pig headed to see it and make the change to myself. I hope its not too late and I hope she will give me another chance. I already made a huge leap to set up a therapist appt for myself and start my emotional recovery. But she is not interested in couples therapy with me right now.

What should I do, what shouldn’t I do? She is the light of my life and truly means everything to me.

While you were testing her to see if she was the right one, she decided you were NOT the right one for her and has decided to move on. That is what dating and living together is all about, it is a TEST, rather than a committment.

It differs from marriage in that marriage is a committment to buy. In marriage you purchase the house, in living together, you are just out for a TEST DRIVE.

You were still testing things out when you said you were "unsure of our emotional relationship and insecure about how that would play out." A buyer, on the other hand, makes a committment to do what it takes to keep the house in GOOD REPAIR. You weren't doing that, because when one just shacks up, they don't - as a rule - do what it takes to keep the house in good repair. They are RENTERS. Just there until something better comes along.

It was this renters attitude that doomed your relationship. Sure, that can change, but it will take some effort and she may not be willing to bother at this point.

IMO, it might be better for you to split up and start over. Recharge your relationship on a new basis that is different from a SHACKERS attitude and agree to not live together until you are ready to both be BUYERS and do the things necessary to SUSTAIN a marriage.

I would also add that if you had got married with your relationship like it is, you would probably end up divorced very soon. It would have been a terrible mistake to get married and i doubt your marriage would last long at all. That is because all those bad traits you learned while shacking up would become cemented in marriage. Rather than behaving like buyers by virtue of the fact you were married, you would only carry the same bad traits you practiced while shacking up, ruining the marriage.

Dr. Willard Harley: "Habits are hard to break, and couples that live together before marriage get into the habit of following their month-to-month rental agreement. In fact, they often decide to marry, not because they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to each other, but because the arrangement has worked out so well that they can't imagine breaking their lease, so to speak. They say the words of the marital agreement, but they still have the terms of their rental agreement in mind.

Couples who have not lived together before marriage, on the other hand, have not lived under the terms of the month-to-month rental agreement. They begin their relationship assuming that they are in this thing for life, and all their habits usually reflect that commitment."

and

"But marriage has a very negative effect on those who have been in the habit of following the month-to-month agreement. The commitment of marriage is seen as the "other guy's" commitment. Those who have lived together prior to marriage feel that their own behavior has passed the test, and any further accommodation should be unnecessary. Worse yet, they think they don't need to be on their best behavior because their spouse can't leave now that they're married.

Habits are hard to break, and those who have lived together develop habits that work only when they're not married. Marriage ruins it all."

entire article:
Living Together Before Marriage

Read up here about Love Busters and Emotional Needs and follow the instructions.

Also, get your depression fixed...work on your for a while. You aren't going to "win her back" if your instincts are to put her down, and you won't be that attractive to her either way.

It sounds like she will be open to you for awhile still, so don't rush things and try and get it worked out overnight. Even if she comes running back to you in a month, if you don't feel you are where you need to be, then be honest about that. Don't pretend the problems aren't there if you know they are.