Our original problem from my point of view was I felt I was bing verbally abused by her for our entire marriage.

We went to a Christian marriage counselor and things started to get better. I was starting to feel like there was hope for our marriage. I guess we were in couseling for the last 4 or 5 months. We went at least twice a month sometimes every week. The verbal abuse had decreased but there was still the issue of her being easily angered.

Anyway, things seemed to be improving until she starting going out with her girlfriends. My wife likes fashion so I tried to be understanding about her needing to get all dressed up with her friends and going to restaurants. But then restaurants became clubs. I told her I didn't like the idea of her going to clubs but I didn't press the issue because she was going with her girlfriends. Then last week she came home at 4:30am from a club. I couldn't reach her by phone the entire night. We got into a big argument about it the next day. She got angry and walked out. She didn't come back till 5:30 am. I was doubly angry.

Things cooled and I figured we could talk about this issue at counseling. We were back on friendly terms. She had to go out with coworkers again on Wednesday.

It's funny the day before I had a dream where my brother pointed out to me that there were roaches hiding in our bedroom. In the dream there were roaches hiding everywhere. It was pretty disturbing. You don't need to be Joseph to interpret this dream.

That Wednesday she came home at a reasonable time from her dinner with coworkers but I felt suspicious. When she went to the bathroom I checked her cell and found text messages showing she was with some guy. A little digging and I found this guy in her Facebook. I found a pic of them together at a club.

I confronted her. She cried and begged. When we went to counseling the next day where she insisted that she wasn't alone with that guy that night. She said there were coworkers there too. She said her only wrong was some flirtatious text messages. She cried about how I was always thinking the worst of her. She sounded like some tortured victim.

I don't know if the counselor bought her sob story but my gut was telling me she was lying. I felt like I was going insane. But I tried to get past it.

The next night she had a birthday party to attend--at a club--which she told me about over a week ago. I told her I didn't want her to go but she insisted it was important because friends she hadn't seen in a long time would be there. I said ok.

Finally tonight, she tells me she wants to go out again for one last time. I told her I didn't want her to go and it would hurt our marriage but it's a free country. She went anyway.

I knew something was up. So I checked the cell phone bill online and saw that she was STILL in touch with that guy even after our counseling session. So, I called him. He was surprised to learn my wife was married. And it turned out that she was going to see him tonight. Everything she said at counseling was a lie. Wave after wave of lies. Roaches everywhere.

I sent her some text messages tonight. The first was an angry message. But then I caught myself. I didn't want to give in to anger and hatred. I care about her and I don't want her to hurt herself. I sent her a second message saying that I want us to separate as friends and that I didn't hate her.

I feel so much pain but I know life is much too big and wonderful to be consumed by this pain. And God has given me the power to overcome hatred and the darkness of despair.

I have to get a divorce. I don't see any point in trying to work through this. This is not the first time I've found her straying. I have no evidence of physical infidelity but she's strayed emotionally at least twice before. The others were email or text messages to guys far away. This time it's with someone in real life. I think infidelity in some cases and in this case is a character defect. It's not something that can be fixed. It takes a certain amount of personal integrity and maturity to be faithful through all of life's ups and downs.

It's going to hard enduring the humiliation of letting everyone in my life know that my marriage was a failure. I feel like a failure. But there is one silver lining to this dark cloud. No more being chained to someone who acts like a spoiled teenager.
No more verbal abuse for me.

Okay the deal is to announce all her contact with other guy. Then go into Plan A and Plan B only if you feel that you have not invested time into the marriage.

If missus is a regular player, use the info to get the best divorce plan that you can at this time.

Serial cheater.

If you have no kids I would not hesitate to plan D right now.

<deleted>

Your wife is verbally abusive with anger issues and is a serial cheater. These are huge red flags indicating she may have a personality disorder.
I'd suggest you start researchign the cluster B personality disorders. A good site is www.bpdfamily.com
If you feel she meets the ctiteria for BPD or one of thecluster B's, you are well rid of her. These folks almost never change and they will lead you to an early grave.

Dude, I wrote an optimistic post above assuming this was your first post on the forum.

Having read back a bit on your two years here, I have to say that, disregardless of whether this is a physical affair or not, your wife shows you little or no respect. I suppose every betrayed spouse can say that due to the adultery, but from your writing it seems like it is every minute of every day.

Before you would worry about any MB attempts, that would have to change dramatically.

Not to try to be an optimist, but I think that respect is one aspect of a relationship that CAN turn on a dime, and often does when a betrayed spouse gets up on their hind legs and ends the doormat routine.

The one description that really fits is, "So, while a borderline will have an adult body they think, feel and react like a child."

What attracted me to her was her bubbly lively personality. She is really great with little kids because she's easily able to be like them. My niece loves her. But the other side of this child-like bubbly personality is pettiness and selfishness and tantrums. An inability to control impulses like shopping. Throwing a tantrum because I didn't get her the gift she wanted.

But there are other traits that I don't see in borderline description. Like one strange thing about my wife is she is obsessed with pictures of herself. Her wallpaper is a picture of herself. Her cell phone wall paper is herself. Everywhere we go she wants me to take a picture of her in her outfit.

But here is the weird twist. At times she tells me she hates how she looks. She's a pretty woman but she does struggle with pimples at times. I often comforted her when she cried about her pimples and feeling ugly. I would remind her how even strangers commented on how pretty she was.

There was even one time when she was so unhappy about her pimples that she kept saying, "I just want to rip my face off." And then she grabbed a scissor and started pressing it against her face. At that point I had to wrestle the scissors from her hand.

She seems narcissitic but then she is extremely insecure. She had to drop out of an attempt at a nursing degree. I don't know how many times I had to comfort her when she thought she was dumb or a failure.

I guess I realized that if her self-esteem is so low then surely she was vulnerable to attention from other men.

I think she needs to feel loved desperately. If she doesn't feel loved she immediately becomes angry and even cruel. Then as the person withdraws from her she feels even more unloved and needs to move on to someone else.

Her life was a total mess before she met me. I did everything to help her. I guess I liked being the White Knight. Maybe I thought she would be eternally grateful.

Even now I feel bad for her. I don't want her to continue on a path of self-destruction. If I'm not there who is going to watch out for her?

If she is there, who is goijng to watch out for you?

If you don't want her to continue on a path of self destruction, don't enable her destructive behavior by giving her a homebase she can consider as validation for a normal life.

Mow, the diagnosis requires she fit 5 of the 9 criteria. So, she may not have all of them. From what you describe, she seems to have the following: Excessive spending or impulse shopping, verbally abusive, infidelity, and threats of self harm.
You will see if you keep researching that there is a big overlap between all of the cluster B's. So, the narcissism you describe is not surprising.
No one can make a dx except a professional specializing in thsis stuff. And, if she has a PD it is highly unlikely she will agree to get an evaluation. PD's treat counselors like lepers. The last thing a person with a PD wants to do is look inside.

Try reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It was an eye opener for me.

The more I read about BPD the more I think that's what my wife is suffering from.

I think she probably fell in love with this person she met at the club. And falling in love quickly and deeply is one of the symptoms of BPD.

It explains her excessive shopping too. I remember she bought and expensive handbag and hid it from me. It was like she couldn't resist the impulse to buy the bag.

I feel so sorry for my wife but what can I do?

Start by reading the eggshells book. And, go online and google a guy named Richard Skerritt.He has a website and some really good books explaining the abusive PD's.

The only shame would be if you let her turn you into a cuckold. You did nothing wrong. Her future will be littered with men and she will end up empty. She will beg and cry for you to stay. And when you turn your back she will be on hers with some other guy. Move on and find someone worthy of your love.