The problem with my marriage is I'm the problem. I'm mad at my husband for several selfish reasons. When we married. Scratch that before we married I wanted to wait until after I finished college. He didn't want to wait. I said financial reasons. He said he would take care of it. I still haven't went to one class. Here's why. He had a great job. He got laid off. He said he would get another job of equal pay. He did. He quit this job of equal pay. He came into some money. He spent every penny and took a lesser paying job. Now I still haven't gone to finish class. He finally says go. We have to extra money. The day before I register for class he drops a bombshell that he is going to quit his job because of medical reasons. Whatever; I don't register. He, two days later, (too late to register) decided that he had a great job and was going to keep his job. I hate him for this.

He said I could quit my job, before we married. The above reasons have made that a ridiculous fantasy. I get paid well to put my life on the line. I hate my job, everyone and everything about it. I keep my job because I can't count on this man that I thought was a rock but has turned out to be a wishy washy unstable(AT BEST), first rate jerk. He said he hadn't been to the doctor in seven years before we married. Now he never stops going. What the hell!!!!!!! He has gained 100 pounds in the last year. He won't do anything around the house. He says that he shouldn't have to work at home on the days when he has to work. On his days off he says that he just wants to relax. We have four children, two dogs, two cats, and fish. I work a full-time job and manage everything on my own.

Right now he is snoring in the bedroom after he promised me a night out. He lies to me ALL the time. Just tonight we got into an argument about him accepting an assignment away from home for a week that he said he wouldn't take. Now he tells me that he volunteered. Then he tells me that I think he is screwing around at this particular job in this particular place. I didn't before but I do now. Come to think of it one of his "bar" shirts was dirty after his last trip and he didn't wear it at home.

He is a slob. I will clean and he will go around behind me making a mess. It's like he is taunting me to divorce him. He walks around with food on his face. He goes days without brushing his teeth. He works 12 hours then comes home and climbs into bed with no shower and not personal hygene whatsoever and says that he wants to have sex. Shoot me!!!!!

How did I end up here!!!!!! He is a disgusting fat slob and I hate him. I don't want to get a divorce but I don't think I can keep pretending that I don't want to run screaming every second he is in the house or on the phone or in my thoughts. What now?

As I see it, you ended up where you are by YOUR CHOICES. That's good news. Because it means you have the chance to make New Choices now.

In a perfect world, what would you choose? Why have you been settling for less? What are you going to do now?

Corn,

Not sure why you're posting on the Pre Marriage and Early Years forum when you've been married long enough to have four kids. Might want to notify the moderators (button at the bottom of your post) to move your thread to GQII (General Questions). A lot more traffic (and help) over there.

Sounds like you've got a doozie of a problem. At the very least, a husband who is severely depressed (irritable, slovenly, putting on lots of weight, medical problems--or perhaps even hypochondria). Sounds like he's got so many problems of his own, he isn't capable of recognizing yours. Can you convince him to get professional help?

You're on this web site, so might as well take advantage of the information in the articles linked to the home page. Some of what you'll learn about good marriages, you can implement yourself. Lots of it will involve his cooperation, but I don't see how you'll get that till he deals with whatever is messing up his world right now.

Good luck.

Right Here Waiting

Here's something you can do right now, while you're reading all the stuff here and learning how to make a better marriage, and helping him get HIS act together: STOP doing for him.

Tell him that you need help and you are expecting him to put as much work into the family as you put in. Then STOP doing stuff for him.

I know that's not the MB way, but I really think he won't even notice you making changes unless you make it really big.

Sit down in front of him. Tell him you can no longer take care of the entire family, and you are expecting him to start pulling his weight. As of tomorrow morning, these are the things you are going to stop taking care of: (then list things like HIS laundry, picking up HIS trash and dirty clothes, HIS dry cleaning, picking up HIS medicines at the pharmacy...) See where I'm going with this? You're not throwing the family away, you're just expecting him to carry hiw own weight.

If he balks at this, tell him you're willing to negotiate what he does and doesn't help with, but your load WILL decrease one way or another.