I made the mistake of marrying two women that I had knew were OW's in the past, before I'd met them. In both marriages, they cheated after a few years, maybe sooner but I do not know for sure.
I had attibuted their past mistakes as youthful mistakes. In both cases they were in their mied twneties when they were in affairs with married men.
I think I was an idiot to have looked at it like this. If someone has been an OW or OM, I'd give them a wide berth.

It depends. Did their marriages end due to these women's infidelity, or did they repair their marriages, learn from their mistakes, and become model wives?

It sounds like the women you married were of the former persuasion, unfortunately. However, if I were to be attracted to someone who had had an affair, learned from their mistakes, and done the hard work necessary to have a true recovery and build a strong marriage built on openness and honesty, undivided attention, POJA, meeting ENs, and avoiding LBs, and then lost their spouse to cancer... well, I'd say they were a fine candidate for marriage, because they KNOW the signs of an affair, they know about the slippery slope, they know about boundaries and how to set and enforce them, and they know what is required to maintain a happy marriage.

I'd rather be with someone like that than someone who didn't know how to actively participate in the safeguarding of the marriage, but who had lucked out and escaped infidelity in their first marriage.

I think fidelity is about character. It's not easy remaining faithful when there is plenty of temptation and when sometimes your marriage is in trouble. It takes a lot of character to say, "No, even though my marriage is a mess right now, I won't do that just because it's wrong."

Being involved with a married guy shows poor character. So, it only makes sense that such a person would later cheat.

I've found this to be true. Being an OW or OM with a married person seems to show that that person does not hold the vows of matrimony in high regard.

I know several people that have been involved with married men or women and they all just seem to view the institution of marriage very differently than I do.

It's like the mantra I've seen by many OM's and OW's disclaiming any responsibility for playing an active part in an affair. They constantly proclaim they they did nothing wrong in that they did not have vows to the BS. It seems such an unsophisticated way of looking a things, as if they do not understand the concept of co-conspiracy or aiding and abetting. These types of folks keep the wrong change when a cashier overpays them or do not notify their banks of errors that are in their favor. What a strange way to go through life.

I think you're on to something there. My FWW wasn't an OW prior to M'ing me, but there were lots of other "tells" that should have indicated to me that she was of the "if I could get away with it if no-one watching, I'd do it" type. Her mother basically raised their entire family like that.

How does one undo the damage caused by an upbringing based on a philosophy of Selective Morality?

Dr. Harley wrote this to another poster on marrying a woman with infidelity in her past:

Hi WW,

I am currently counseling three couples where the wife is having, or has had, numerous affairs during their marriage. In each case, they had at least one affair with a married man prior to their marriage. These couples now have children together, and the wife is still having affairs. You did not mention children, so I would assume that you don't have any yet. If you do have children, I would encourage you to do whatever possible to win her back, but if you do not, I would encourage a divorce. The three husbands that I am counseling will all tell you that trying to keep their marriage together has been the most painful experience of their lives.

The fact that you made love so infrequently after marriage is a huge red flag. Something is terribly wrong with your romantic relationship. And it stands next to the red flag of your wife having an affair with a married man prior to your marriage. Her secretive and sexual texting with the man she works with, combined with these other factors tells me that if you continue with this woman, the pattern is likely to continue throughout your marriage. You'll never be able to trust her.

Under the circumstances, I'd go ahead with your plan to confront your wife and her new lover, and then ask her to make a decision. If she wants to remain married to you, she must agree to never be apart from you overnight. You should immediately move to Texas to live with her, and find a job there, even if it means leaving your home in Michigan vacant. If she can't decide, get a divorce. While I'm sure that you are in love with her, you happen to have married a woman who is much more likely to have an affair than most other women, and that will make you worry about her relationship with other men throughout your lives together, even if she enthusiastically welcomes you back now.

Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I know how much effort you would have to put into this marriage to keep it together, and in the end she will probably divorce you anyway.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2081644&fpart=9

The School of Hard Knocks helped me greatly in this regard. I was taught moral relativism growing up and had to learn right from wrong on my own.

Ooooh I wish I could send that to the skank's boyfriend (whom she's now claiming to be engaged to). She cheated on him with my FWH, has been divorced twice, has 3 kids (and doesn't have custody of them). Yep, she's a real winner! I kind of feel like I'm watching the BF sit on the train tracks and waiting for the train to come along and hit him.

My WW was always the type to return change and tell her work if they overpaid her. She always tried to be honest in all those types of things. When she first met OM she said dont worry, we're both married.

What a difference getting emotionally bonded makes. yuck.

There are many things we look past in our youth because we are naive to a large extent. There are things I look back on now that should have been to FWH's behavior or at least given me more pause than just "he was young and stupid." Things my friends or family tell me about someone that was perhaps a may have gone unnoticed or at least unchallenged. Not anymore. If someone exhibits questionable behavior, I question it alot more than I used to. If FWH and I ended up divorced one day, I would never get involved with a man that was a cheater, former or not. The risk isn't worth it.