I've called in sick today in order to get my head under control. I'm the offender.

I have to give background, not because I want to make excuses but because I really think my situation is unique. I have been married for just over 2 years, living with my spouse for 9 years total. We met in a chatroom on aol - I was in college, he was in the military. For a year and a 1/2, we exchanged emails, called long distance, wrote letters, and fell in love. When he completed his 4 years, he moved across the country to be with me, away from his family. I still had to finish college.

I don't think he ever intended to stay in the Midwest, especially not when he learned how truly painful the winter can be here. He grew up in the Northwest, very outdoorsy, likes adventure. I graduated, we got jobs, we settled down.

Although we didn't learn what the problem actually was until right after we got married, we both knew something wasn't quite right. We went from a very healthy, passionate sex life to sex maybe 3-5x a year, and that started about 6 years ago. He gained a lot of weight for no reason, he was moody, almost depressed, he never wanted to do anything, and while we were affectionate, he had no sex drive and I felt there must be something wrong with me. One night, I cheated. I was so overcome with guilt, I told him the very next day. We broke up. We also went to marriage counseling. At that point, we were living like roommates, not like a couple preparing to marry. I was worried he was staying with me because it was the easy thing to do - it would be much harder for him to leave and move back to the Northwest, were only his mother lives. In the end, we decided to get back together. But nothing changed. We kept on about our regular lives. We still had sex only on rare occasions. So about a year after the infidelity, I did it again. This time it wasn't sex, but it was still cheating. This time, I didn't tell him. I knew we would be over. I loved him, and I didn't want to lose him, but I wanted the man I fell in love with in the first place to come back. So I knew at that point, that I would never stray again, and I would just learn to live without the physical aspect of our relationship.

We got married 9/2006. A month later, he finally went to the doctor about headaches and poor eyesight, and that's when we found out he had a large prolactinoma, a tumor, on his pituitary gland. It was affecting his eyesight, but it, the hormone, was also the root of his weight gain, his non-existent sex drive, moodiness and laziness. He immediately began meds and taking testosterone to even out his hormone levels. Over the next 2 years, he got his life back. He lost the weight, he has more energy .. the meds and testosterone do make him pretty crabby at times, but he is so full of life. Unfortunately though, even if his sex drive increased, it didn't show in our relationship.

Then, about a year ago, we start discussing kids, and I want them soon. I'm 30. So I went off the pill in Sept. As of Sept. we had sex once in July, and before that... can't remember. So, now that I'm off BC, no sex through the end of the year. Then we talk about kids again, and he doesn't want them yet. Fine. What about the sex? I don't mean to put so much emphasis on it, but it's important in a healthy relationship, and I wanted him to want me. We would talk about how neither of us like it that we don't have sex, but neither of us would actually do anything to change it.

So, last weekend, I find an anonymous posting he wrote to a woman he takes the train with. He talked about how he was attracted to her, how just by hearing her laugh and seeing her smile, he has begun to wonder what he's been missing all these years. I think he wanted me to find it. He said, aren't you miserable too? Aren't you sick of living like roommates? And yes, I am, but I love him and I want to be with him, so I will deal with it. I wasn't mad but just very hurt that he would have feelings for someone else, and allow himself to be angry with me without even letting me in on it. He says he liked feeling wanted. He said that he may have missed his opportunity years ago, when we broke up, and he wonders if he did stay because it was the easy thing to do. He doesn't want to divorce, but he wants the old "us" back. Me too.

Then, after many heart to heart conversations, with him feeling terrible over what he had done, I remembered the 2nd thing I did, that I never told him about. I felt, I could not have these conversations with him about working on our marriage, knowing that I was being dishonest. I was a hypocrite. So, I came clean. I told him about the 2nd (and last) time, which occurred 1-2 years before we got married. The thing he did and what I did, are different but the same. I guess I feel that for me, my feelings for him never waivered. I never formed feelings for another person. And both times, it happened once and I cut all communication. For him, he sees this person every day. He said he noticed her 2 years ago, and knew he should keep his distance right away ... those feelings don't just go away.

I'm consumed with guilt about the thing I did, the 2nd time. I hate it that I brought it into our home, that I hurt him, that it happened in the first place. He was mad, of course, but quickly went into the mindset of, this has been a terrible, emotionally exhausting week, and I want us to go back to normal. He says he forgives me, again. He's been trying to make ME feel better. I don't know why, but right after the 2nd thing happened, I was able to just pretend like it never happened. I wanted that to be true. It wasn't until I saw him going through the guilt of what he had done, that it hit me and has truly consumed my every thought.

I'm scared for us. I just need advice. I don't know how to handle my guilt. I don't know how to make our marriage work. I think we both want it to work, I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for rambling, thanks to anyone who had the patience to read this whole thing.

You've been M'd 2 years.

There are no children involved.

There's been infidelity (both emotional and physical).

Is there any particular reason why you want to remain M'd? How does he feel about the matter? Note: "Because I love him" is not enough. For an M to really work, you need Love, Trust and Commitment. And "Love" in this case is what is being expressed by actions, not the "feeling". Does he act towards you in a way that suggests that he loves you? What about your actions towards him?

I sincerely cannot imagine a life without him. We are each other's best friends and biggest supporters. I think we do express love in our actions toward each other. We're an affectionate couple, we do things for each other. I'm naturally a messy person, and he is not, so I make sure that I do my part in keeping the house in order. It's the simple things. I give him encouragement to do whatever he needs to in order for his life to be fulfilling, whether it's take a class, plan a vacation for us, learn a new hobby. He does the same for me. He makes me happy. I hope I make him happy.

He has felt like he's been cheated out of the best years of his life. Because he was "sick" from ages 24-29 and we didn't know what was wrong. Now, instead of being grateful that he's healthy and has this sort of second chance, he's just really mad that he lost a few years being "less of a man" than he could have been. It's almost like a mid-life crisis, which he's far too young for.

Be nice and offer any Passwords. Give him your cell phone number to be marked that he can find you at any time.

Make sure that both of you are available to each other at any time. Show him that you truly do understand the ignomy that you put him through. Write it in a book.

You will have to experience when he goes into recession later on. Remember these things now!

Please read through the articles. There is LOTS more.

Get over yourself!

If anything made him feel 'less of a man' it was probably his serial cheating wife.

I'm sure he feels great. He's facing undiagnosed sickness for years and his wife is out banging some stranger because his illness prevents a sex life.

Does your H want to stay married to you?
Is he willing to change his mode of transportation and cease communicating with the OW?

He says he wants to stay married and work things out. (And to the previous poster, I'm just repeating what he's said to me.) I want us to go to counseling. I want both of us to be sure that we are staying together for the right reasons, and not just because it's the easy, safe thing to do.

He cannot change his mode of transportation to work, but he has already said he will stop communicating with her. She doesn't know he's married, but he has said that he will make it clear to her. I feel like she is really just like an innocent bystander here - he has been extremely unhappy with part of our relationship, and she was at the right place, right time, showing interest in him. And he liked it, he allowed himself to be open to it. His feelings regarding her came out last weekend, and since then we've both been honest and open with our feelings and such, and I do believe him when he says that it will go no further with her.

FWR,
There are no easy fixes. Marriage takes lots of work daily to make it great. The good news is most everything you need for a great marriage is in what Dr. Harley has written. Before you go posting all sorts of questions on here I would encourage you to attend a MBer weekend, read his books, and read his articles on this website.

The Proper Care and Feeding of A Great Marriage:
Have a mutual goal: God's plan is for you two to become ONE!
How? Use MBer methods as described above.
Add heaps of forgiveness and care daily.
Bake for 30 years or so.