I would have your lawyer try to get a restraining order or something about not letting your daughter stay at her 'brothel.' Inappropriate, and too far away.

Mind you, it takes longer than 45 minutes just to drive across my city, but I gather in your situation it's akin to moving out of town, so that will be distressful for your daughter. The court should be caring more about your daughter's well being. At least try.

We live out in the country so it takes forever to get anywhere anyways. She moved right outside the county line.

OM left the job this week and no longer works with WW. I did have a couple questions, though. Still plan Aing and all but when I have exposed and all as much as I can, what other parts of the stick is there I can use or do I just now have to ride it out and jump at opportunities when they arise? Does this mean I am relegated to waiting this thing out now? I feel weird like I should be doing more to kill WW affair but know of nothing else to do right now.

Is there any certain circumstances where you turn to plan B or just when you feel like you need to save your LB$? I dont mind being in plan A, I just dont want to do it too long or not long enough.

IDK, WW acts weird. She is nice to me mostly and all, is depressed all the time and seems to be really miserable. But, of course, she's in love. lol
Awefully depressed to be with someone she cares so much for. I think WW is kind of regretting what she has done a little bit.

I just hope this long distance relationship with a player starts to really take it's toll on her. I got a couple more months of A in me and then a long while of Bing ready to go.

Rusty,

You asked the question on what you should be doing. And then follow with how your wife is acting right now. By what you wrote, what you are doing is having an effect!! You are on the right track.

That being said, you have exposed and caused poisonous gas to be left in that relationship. It'll take time to work its wat in and kill the relationship...but it is happening!

So, what are you to do? Well, of course, continue the carrot portion of Plan A. Be the alternative to this loser. Give her a way back out of the fog, if she chooses it.

At the same time, the stick should now be relegated to doing your legal stuff, to defending boundaries. It isnt so much as waiting, as it is continuing the "attack" as you let the "enemy" destroy itself from within.

If you press too hard right now, you will only force her to seek cover and defend herself. Remember...SHE is the one that has to figure out how to get out of her mess. And that will take time.

It sounds like that process has begun. By you continuing to try to meet ENs, by not LBing...but at the same time, continuing to defend your boundaries...she will get the time to figure this out.

Now, we have to pray she is smart enough to see the right door when it is presented to her.

So, as we say in the Army..."Charlie Mike" which is slang for "Continue the Mission."

Thanks MM.

Well, OM was gone from the job about 3 days and frickin came back. Just my luck.

But WW and her friend that were going to be moving in together got into an argument again and will not be moving in together. WW even changed her cell # so that her friend cannot get ahold of her. I thought it odd that WW changed her number to one that was not local but then it hit me. She changed it to local for the OM so he can call her without it being long distance. Rusty can figure these things out. lol

One of WW's xfriends at work has been gossiping about WW and OM and WW is working on getting her fired. WW told HR that her xfriend was spreading lies(really just gossip since it's true) and WW told them about all of the things her xfriend has done at work and home. WW and OM have been working on getting their story strait.

Guess the people there should have listened to me when I started telling them about everything and they could have avoided all of this. Maybe WW will lose her job tonight.


On a side note, I have been running a perfect plan A finally and WW has been inviting me over to hang out and stuff at her mom's. Yesterday when I was over there I went to leave like 5 times and every time she asked me to stay longer.

Rusty, have you considered going up higher in the food chain at their company to expose the affair? I would take this directly to the owner and explain that nothing has been done at the local level even though you have reported it. Your only chance is to get these 2 separated and you can't do that if they are working together.

In exposing, I would mention that your W has told you that some shenanigans had taken place in the patients rooms [the OM groping] and it is your understanding that this is a violation of patient rights. You are rightfully concerned about the patients in this scenario. My sister is the CFO for a chain of nursing homes and this was her suggestion. She said if it were one of her homes, they would be suspended that day.

I have talked to the highest ranking person I can find. I cant find anybody else.

I have googled for hours and cant come up with any more.

I guess I will see what happened later on tonight or in the morning.

Did you tell me they have 4 locations?

Yes.

Rusty, I've not posted to you but thought of something for you....if the company owns 4 facilities, they are likely to have a corporate name. There probably is a licensing agency. See if you can find financial reports or something on the corporate name. Maybe this will help

Thanks. The place My WW works didnt even show up in that. I have read a lot of your posts since I read almost every thread. You are in Nashville. I live about an hour SW and thats where OM lives(Nashville).

Things have been getting really crazy at WW's work and OMW has started getting annonamous tips lately about WW and OM. The tension is definately running high. WW has started talking about how her life sucks, she wishes she would just disappear and all that stuff. At all of those times I remind her she can return to the M and work on it and she will be done with the life that is causing her so much grief.

Sometimes it's kinda fun to sit back and watch the self destruction going on in the A.

I had a question from reading Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End? again.

Granted, that's not the way most affairs end. In most affairs after the passion peaks, the spouse and lover simply drift apart, the victimized spouse usually never finds out about it and the lover is often still in the picture, occasionally getting back together again with the unfaithful spouse. Some affairs are discovered by the spouse, but even after discovery, the affair often continues unabated until it dies a natural death. If that's the way your affair ends, even if your marriage survives, it will probably not amount to much.


What does Dr. Harley mean exactly when he says this?

He means that most marriages NEVER recover after an affair. They might stay together, but most just hobble along and never recover.

He then goes onto to say in the next paragraph:


Without a plan of recovery, your marriage will suck and never recover. His plan provides the necessary recovery.

Thanks Mel. So he is talking about all the people who are in an affair stricken marriage and then go back to just the way they were before? So he didnt mean that the A dieing a natural death was the kiss of death for a marriage, he was speaking about recovery?

Thats why I didnt understand and had been wondering about what he said for months. I was putting it in the wrong context in my mind.

Well Mel, there is a lot going on at their work now and the administrator has been dragged into it and things are starting to blow up a little bit. A lot of people getting questioned about stuff because of threats made between parties at work of potential fights and lots of other stuff. This is a big reason that companies have these policies and it would behoove them to follow their policies.

Remember the three states of marital relationships...

1. Intimacy
2. Conflict
3. Withdrawal

Without a recovery program...there is no conflict. You can't get to intimacy and truely recover any obviously "withdrawn" marriage which experiences infidelity without going through conflict to get there.

The marriages Dr. Harley was referring to were the ones that survived the infidelity but refused to address the "withdrawal" in their marriage. They swept the infidelity under the rug and stayed stuck...never moving into conflict to get to intimacy. [*often because the betrayed spouse didn't even know about the affair...but in your case...you know...so addressing it tends to be a litte easier]

Here's Dr. Harley's words... Three States of Mind in Marriage

If your wife is like mine...she was and always has been seeking true intimacy. Romantic affairs are a ill-fated and hurtful way to going about finding it, but, at least, it demonstrates a desire. Not that such "desire" is to be exalted, but some waywards are just narcissitic self-absorbed serial cheating permantently soul-sick individuals that partake in marriage and affair(s) without truely seeking intimacy with anyone. In fact, they run away from intimacy and are irreversibly broken to the core. My wife wasn't so broken...just temporarily lost. I pray yours is the same. Recovery can be had with intimacy seekers...they just have to learn to seek it the right way and bloom where God planted them. Through constructive conflict TOGETHER you can help her find her way and, in the process, perhaps also find your own better way.

Enduring and overcoming this has made ME a better person too.

Mr. Wondering

edited to add: My wifes affair didn't end a natural death. My MIL, shortly after exposure, threatened OM and he abruptly ended it. To me...how an affair ends is irrelevant...the goal is to get it to end and then see if recovery can be achieved. Until it's over...you really don't know what you've got.

Thank you for your reply Mr. Wondering. Yeah, I was a pretty crappy husband and my W wanted real intimacy but she and I were both a little afraid of it. We had both been hurt before in other relationships and the fear turned into a habit.

Any way you can give me examples of your conflicts(coming from withdrawal)? I am not there but hope to be one day and just wondering what kind of stuff to expect.

WW seems to be responding a little to my Plan A. I heard that she said that I was making great changes but she is afraid they wouldnt stick and all that.

What do you do with an OM that just will not give up??? Every time OMW gets new info he tells WW that they will play it cool for a month or so and then pick it back up. OM does not seem to want to actually give up.

Maybe you and OMW should work more closely together.

Believe me, I try. She tells him every time I tell her something and he, of course, lies and she tells me not to contact her again. She will nto work with me and will nto take ANY of my advice. She will not put her foot down or do ANYTHING.


ETA: I think that OMW has not even exposed to OM family. The night I met her she said that his mother and sister said they would disown him if he had another A. Should I try to find OM family and expose to them? If so, how do I find them since they are out of state and all?

ETA2: I really wish OMW would grow a pair. She could have this A nipped in the bud if she would put her foot down. He desperately does not want a D but will always try to get away with all the A's he can.

Try finding them via http://www.intelius.com. That would be a GREAT exposure. Why won't she call them?

Well I was just about to ask who has exposed to OM's family? Technically, it should have been YOU! Why haven't you?

See what I can find out. The reason I dont think she has told his family is because I just have this feeling with what I have and have not heard. She may have exposed to everybody but I just dont feel like she has.


Catperson, I thought OM family would have been OMW responsibility and thought she would have done it automatically. It took me weeks to find out who she was and get any contact info for her. They are from out of state and all and I am not exactly sure what town they are from in the other state. Maybe I can trick WW into giving up his mom's name by saying she still knows nothing about him.