Definatly.

I am very interested in the results of the polygraph.

Chrys;
I have never posted to you and certainly do not have much experience on this, but the below statement from you caught my attention. BTW I'm a FWW.


I can not understand this one. I know during my A, I couldn't even pass infront of my church much less go inside. I've always felt that I was mocking God and everything that the church represented (which I was). But once the A stopped, the FIRST thing I did was reconcile with God and ask for his forgiveness.
BUT (big but)I didn't have a "change of heart" nor did I had "godly remorse" until I completely surrendered to God.


Agreed 100%


IMHO he can't do this by himself, he has to completely surrender to God.
I'm sorry if I'm invading your thread.

Angie.

Yep!

My H is a WONDERFUL, EVER-CHANGED FORMER WAYWARD and he has NEVER posted here and never will...

This forum may not fit for everybody and a means of working it out..

Angie, everyone is welcome to post to me and I really appreciate your doing so!

Mimi,
I mostly agree with you but Chewie has got to get outside of his comfort zone.

I UNDERSTAND!!

My H did counsel a few times with Steve Harley which WAS key for US!! I don't know to this day EXACTLY what he said to Steve or Steve to him.

It certainly has helped my WH to get out of that zone, get busted for his BS and be humbled by those here who knew him better than he was allowing himself to know himself.

It opened up a place for me to get in and get rid of all the nasty junk that was inside of him. It was awful but it was the beginning. I hope it works for you and Chewie.

I wish you a peaceful evening and sweet dreams. You deserve them.

sss, thanks. I think you are in a tougher spot than I am.

Mimi, we counseled with Steve, too. Chewie did "just enough".....And it was very hard to deal with the super early sessions, the only time we could fit it in, with our DS14 needing major parental involvement to get ready for school in the mornings. One of us would take a turn with the phone while the other handled the parenting... and if DS 14 was having a bad morning it was sometimes very noisy.

For example, GM wrote on his thread that he has to do a detailed NC plan for his homework this week. Chewie's "detailed" plan was obviously-- to me-- not detailed enough. "I just won't do that" was stated in about 6 different ways, end of discussion. Yet here we are, nearly 2 years after that "plan" and contact was attempted. He really needs the probing questions he is getting on his thread but seems unable to hear.

"just enough"

Kinda sums it up - that is what comes through in his posts to me - damage control.

For those putting so much time into trying to help Chewie (and me) it might help to know that the character from that genre he really identifies with is Spock.

Well, sure. I am getting a lot of "i really DO love you" kind of statements, which I am listening to and receiving but not able to return in kind at the moment.

Last night he asked me to look at the most recent posts. I asked him later what feelings he was looking for from her... and got the answer "newness and excitement." Give me a break. If he's always going to be on a search for something new I can't stay with him, and I told him that. He has yet to figure out or really believe that those new and exciting doors are closed to him forever. (I told him that too.)

But she wasn't even new and exciting! They had a freakin' three year relationship that supposedly ended 18 months ago!

Change at bedrock. That's what I'm looking for. No excuses, no limits, no other issues in life more important. He's either faithful to me, or needs to get the hell out of Dodge.

Argghh.

Spock looking for "newness and excitement"?

Exactly.

I just sent Chewie off to work mad. So this post will be about what I said to Chewie.

Last night we were lying in bed together and I told him I really was not at all sure if I am going to be able to stay. And that I needed to see change at his core. And that if there is no polygraph, I surely cannot stay.

He said he would do a polygraph, "even though he is skeptical about them."

I told him that it would mean the world to me if he would trust me enough to do that.(Because he has to trust me to be able to handle whatever comes up!) He said again that he would do it.

This morning, he was not physically affectionate and did not look at me until I confronted him about that. I told him that even if I am unable to respond, he needs to keep trying. He said one of the things he is thinking is that he needs to be thinking about what to do for child care for DS14.

We talked some more. I "shared" with him my thoughts that there had to be something seriously wrong for him to have gone down that path again, and that it couldn't be fixed with a bandaid. It needs to be fixed at his core. That my opinion was that he needed to address a spiritual problem.


I asked him to consider calling that old friend and telling him what had happened, what is going on with him, and ask the friend for help. And if he didn't respect that person, to find another. I made it clear that it was not a demand but a request for consideration.

He turned that around and said it sounded like I was demanding another religious conversion. I told him our old friend could probably handle it if Chewie was honest and told him he had no interest in religious faith.

He said he would think about it. And that what went wrong (in our marriage, not spiritually) was that he let his head and his body go down a path he knew to be wrong and destructive.

I know that even if he is able to change in the fundamental ways that he needs to, he is going to go down fighting and it won't be clean and easy for me. But even when I am unable to return his expressions of love I need to receive them. When he holds them back it feels devastating and this all hits me hard, all over again.

I am beginning to believe that this is all part of the WS script, and that Chewie has been following the script pretty closely over on his thread.

I asked him last night if he has read my thread. He has not (and probably doesn't have time to do so.) He asked if I wanted him to, and I told him that while it wasn't written to him he was welcome to read it. I don't know if he will or not.

I saw that some of you asked him about the MB weekend over on his thread. I would like to get through the poly before that decision is made.

This is killing me this morning. We were doing so well.

I just wrote something to Chewie. I doubt it was helpful but he seems to have some of the same problems that GM has. He does not have a clue what to do or how to begin making you feel the way you need to feel. No matter how much you tell them it just does not help. If I am wrong about that I am sorry. I did suggest that maybe he and GM should talk. GM has just begun to do rather than tell or suggest or just think about. It has been hard for him to learn this. Just a thought. I wish you a better day.

Do you want him to read it?

I don't know. I did not write it to him or for his benefit. There are things here that would probably offend him.

But what is good for the goose is good for the gander, and if he wants to read it, he certainly may.

Chrys,


IMO and from a BTDT POV it might be a good idea for him to read your words. One of the most difficult things I have ever done and a HUGE eye opener for me was to read a post my DH posted on a board for BS a few days after d-day.

I knew I hurt him, but honestly did not know to what extent until I read what he had to say in his own words. I had been corresponding with BS's for over a year, knew it was painful, but did not truly know how much until I read his words.

Your words may offend him, but IMO it is important for him to know everything you said here.

LC

LC, If that is the case then he would have to read my old threads to really get it. I'm feeling more numb than I did then. I can't even read them any more. It's just too awful.