Browneyes - You need to have no contact with him, and that is NOT happening.

Have you made an appointment with you doc to save yourself?

I know I may not be doing things the right way, I don't even know who I am without him.
I have said no contact and then he calls...
I know I need to protect what is left of myself and move on, I am really tring.
I don't know what else to say, I have asked him to not call, I wrote him an email telling him no contact,

My mother always taught me "where there is a will, there is a way" and I believe this.

You told him, he isn't honoring your request... Have you considered changing your phone #???

You are "enabling" him to do what you have asked him not to do. Change your phone #. Pretty easy.

It really seems like you know what to do and that you WANT to do them but for some reason you would rather cry about it than DO something about it. Do not let WH do this to you and keep you in this state. Pick yourself up...you never know what tomorrow may bring but, in the meantime help yourself to be a stong woman. It could do nothing but help you in the end no matter what the outcome of your situation may be.

How true...they cannot come up with anything original...! LOL!! Not that intelligent.

Read a book called "The Script"

Best to you and the boys. You'll be fine.

So have you talked to your doc? Are you eating?

No I haven't talked to my doctor yet, and no so far still can't eat.
I was just reading alot in this websight and I guess I blew plan a.
When I heard he was looking at apartments I told him to go, and when he did I fell apart.
I am now in plan b with him living 45 minutes away, and I now I didn't do anything right so my chances are gone.
I wish I could go back in time and that I had let him come home that night talk about it, but I have been here before and I was so affraid of what he would say to me that instead I pushed him out the door,
Now he is happy being out and planning his life without me.
Again I failed, sorry

Browneyes - Go see your doc. You are not thinking right. Your situation is very hopeful, but you are your own worst enemy.

you are not in plan A or plan B yet.
Youa re still stuck in that beginning stage where you cant eat, cant sleep, and cant make a plan.

you need to get your body physically back on track so you can come up with a plan. Once you ahve a plan, your days will go by a little better

My best advice for now - dont feel the need to make any final decisions, and dont leave him emails/texts/or voice mails saying you are done, you arent done, its over, its not over, etc.

The truth here, is that it is WAY too early for you to make any final decision. I know that right now, it seems like it would feel better just to say "thats it, I'm done, its over, I'm moving on" and then the next morning you should wake up feeling all better. But it just doesn;t happen that quickly. you will change your mind many times these next few weeks, so allow yourself that chance to change as many times as you wnat to. Dont make any formal committments to him yet.

Because you DO still love him, and thats ok!! That is the way marriage is supposed to be. He has had many months to think about this stuff, and plan his exit. You have only had 1 week to respond. if you want to tell him not to call for awhile, that is just fine. Tell him to give you some time, and then just leave it alone. Dont feel like you have to follow it up with a long email. Let him wonder what you are up to for awhile.

I was NOBODY without him. I ACTUALLY believed this NO ONE.... and you know what. I didn't have a choice. I HAD to move forward. And you will too. Who you are is just being discovered. What you are capable of doing is just unfolding. Don't underestimate the power of prayers. ALL OF OUR prayers for you... Because we are praying for you and know that you can make it even when you don't think you can.

Brown, There isn't ONE OF US who hasn't blown our Plan A at some point or another, but remember we are SURVIVORS. We learned to develop the war mentality and so what if we lost a battle, there was still the WAR to be had.

Brown, do you know anything about WAR. Honey, you can't move indiscrimently between strategies. You can't be in Plan B because you haven't set up Plan A.... You can do this. I know you can. I DID. and I was a total flippin mess.

I have those same thoughts, I wish I could go back, I wish I did this, I wish... And you know what it killed me because I still get those thoughts, but the reality is we can't go back. We have our Plans to learn, to change and move forward. There are specific steps. These help you keep focused and healing while working on your M in a safe way.

YOU CAN DO THIS...

I have to keep tell myself this... YOU DON'T KNOW THIS... It's a judgement, it's a guess. We don't really know what's going on in their world.

You haven't failed anyone. You are learning, we all are learning and ALWAYS doing the very best we can. This is EASY, this isn't like something that doesn't hurt. You suffered a TRAUMA, you need time to heal, time to understand and begin to take back your life.

Remember, you CAN do this...

Just keep telling yourself "I am not going to let this ruin MY life". That is what I had to do and it's working.

Well yesterday he contacted all 3 of the boys, I am glad he still wants them in his life.
He asked about me and they said I am as good as can be expected.
He told Trev he would come by today to give him some papers he needs and I suppose to drop off a financial proposal for me.
I am seeing a layer this morning, mom is ccoming to support me and hopefully I will be okay financially.
I have been thinking about the refinance, it was something he talked about before he left to get the home equity loan put together with the morgage so the monthly will be lower.
I might have blown that because yesterday the loan guy called and I told him wh doesn't live here anymore. I didn't know who it was.
Last night I ate a couple of bites of eggs and again got really sick, I will keep trying.
AS Bonnie Raitt says "I can't make you love me, if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't"
When we saw her a couple of months ago that song made us both cry and hold each other, I was feeling lucky, he was feeling trapped.

I love that song too but you need to go out and get an Alynnis Morrissett CD!!! She's a little angry woman!! Love her!!!

Try a piece of bread. Soaks up the acid and doesn't add any.

See if your doctor can give you some Phenergan or something like that...for the nausea...

Browneyes,

I have been reading your sitch. I am not a Vet and made so many mistakes but these Vets are so right.

At the beginning, like you, I was in shock, everytime someone tried to talk about my needs I kept referring back to my H -- what he wanted, how was he feeling blah blah blah.

You are your own worst enemy. At least 8 times you said I will have no contact with your H, and then you say "oh I picked up the phone without looking to see who it was" or "I emailed him". STOP Everytime you are doing this you are hurting yourself.

Everyone here has gone through tremendous sorrow, but it is time to pick yourself up and get a game plan. No one is saying here to throw away your M. They all want you to fight, but YOU are the one giving up on this.

My H also talked finances at the beginning, he actually wanted me to give him 40K out of my 401K -- seriously. And the sad part is I actually thought about giving it to him -- just so maybe he would love me again... Get the 2x4s out on that one.

Read about Plan B. Get someone from this board to talk to your H. Do not ask your kids what your H is saying about you. No more phone calls. Nothing. Go completely dark. Do not worry about Plan A, I skipped Plan A because I did it so badly. But I needed to be in Plan B to protect whatever love I still had in my heart for my H. Sometimes to get by I even pretend he is deceased -- whatever it takes to get by one more day.

Do I like it...NO. But to keep MY sanity and keep me away from my wayward Alien spouse..absolutely. You have to understand you are still thinking your H is the same loving man...HE's NOT. He does not want to hear you love him..he knows you love him. He has rewritten the M. All you can do for now is protect yourself and be strong. have attitude. Let him wonder what you are doing and why you are not crawling to him.

You have to take care of yourself. Turn him over to God. You cannot control this.

Sorry for the length of this but I want you to thrive and get your marriage back like we all want to do. But doing what you are doing -- you wont.

Okay, back from the lawyers office and I was right it hurt like hell.
He told me I will get half of his salary for the rest of my life and he does think the refinance is a good idea, but not to allow cash or credit card payoffs.
He told me to call wh so I did and I told him I filed for a legal seperation and that He could call my lawyer to sign papers of his intent to pay.
He says I don't get any of his retirement if he gives me the house, but my lawyer says that is wrong.
The lawyer also said next month when he gets his bonus and his raise I will get half and my monthly will go up acordingly.
WEll at least that part is settled, I am going to go let myself cry for awhile.

Great post Hope! Browneyes, I know it is hard to believe but most of us have lived through this pain and walked out on the other side one way or the other. Please listen to the advice you are given and post when you are sad and weak.

God's Blessings,

Say

My lawyer said I had to call him and give him his number so he can have him sign the agreement.
I called didn't cry told him I have to protect me and the kids, that was it last contact I promise, I am now going dark.

Browneyes, what you need to do now is to get someone either on this board or someone you can trust to be the go-between to your H. It CANNOT be your sons.

All contact is done. If your Atty has a question that your H has to answer, you give the question to that person who in turn contacts your H. Make it difficult for him. Let H see what his world will be like without you. DO THIS TODAY.
You will protect yourself from this man who is posing as your H.

Go read Trying to Live sitch. It is long but she did a great Plan A (no you are not to try Plan A -- too late), but a great Plan B.

Glad you went to Atty. That is the first step.

Awesome post, Hope.

Browneyes, you're getting good advice and I know you're doing your best. It's really difficult to even remember your name right now, much less think straight, but you must. Keep reading and re-reading. If you haven't already, purchase Surviving An Affair or check it out of your library and read it. Just take one day or moment at a time and stick to your plan and goal.