Here is a link to my main thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2173655#Post2173655

I was wondering if anyone out there has dealt with depression related to infidelity. My WH became suicidal. He started sending me text messages on Saturday basically saying that he was going to take his life that evening. It was awful. I got the police to come get him and he is now in treatment. I am just not sure what to think anymore.

In some ways, I think that this infidelity crap all started because he was depressed and looking for some type of high or happiness, but it made it worse because of the guilt he felt.

It's very frustrating because I have been asking him to go get help for issues he has back to his childhood. Once I got him to go talk to our family doc about his consistant negativeness, she put him on depression medication, but I don't think it was working for him. He would never go back for his follow up or go talk to a therapist.

It really sucks because sometimes I feel like some of this is my fault since something I did is what pushed him over the edge. He said he has thought about it many times throughout his life, but more often lately. However, he didn't make a plan to actually do it until he thought I was trying to keep his boys from him. He also stated that he blames me because of all the pressure I was putting on him to fix our marriage.

Hopefully this will be a blessing in disguise and it my real husband will return.

If anyone has been through something similar or could provide any support, it would be greatly appreciated

You did the right thing by having him go for treatment. It is always a possibility that a WS WILL commit suicide.

My WH was depressed also when he had the affair. He would never agree to getting help.

It sounds like your H/WH has a long, long history of depression, and needs a really good evaluation. Hopefully the hospital will provide that. It's probably going to be impossible for you to sort out what is the depression talking, what is the waywardness talking, what may be personality issues talking, etc. Best to let the professionals there try to sort it all out and then work with them/whomever they refer to after release.

If he didn't stay with the meds, or never did a follow up, chances are they did no good whatsoever. It's very very common to need more than one 'try' on antidepressants; the same one doesn't work for everyone and it can take several tries.

No one "pushes" anyone to suicide. It's not your fault that he has made bad choices. Circumstances can stress an already vulnerable individual, but depressive illness is a tough nut to crack; the longer it has been untreated, the worse. Don't lay that on yourself, too - you have alot on your plate already. Hang on and see what happens with the hospitalization.

You absolutely did the right thing by calling the police; more men that women kill themselves when they are threatening to; folks with a depressive history have a higher rate, and folks with marital instability have a higher rate. Your WH is pretty high risk if all those are going on. You may have just saved his life.

- M

Sign me up for having dealt with a suicidal WH. I firmly believe that, on he called me twice as a plea for me to help him. I was able to get his counselor to call him both times. My marriage might have been saved if the man had only dealt with his own issues.

Treatment, to which my now-x did not want to undergo, is important.

I am just so thankful that it seams like he is diving right into treatment. Talking about things he has never even told me and being completely honest with them.

The most important thing is for him to be healthy and around for the boys. But selfishly I am hoping it brings him back to me too.

I haven't read your original thread yet, but I will try to take a look at it, as I have dealt with depression too.

I just wanted to give you a quick note of hope. My husband has suffered depression and anxiety for years. I always believed that was a big part of what led to his affair 3 years ago. And it had been a huge stumbling block that had prevented our marriage from truly recovering from the affair.

In the last six months, he finally hit his personal rock bottom, and is now participating in counseling and on the "right" anti-depressant. He is a changed man.

My husband may be on the anti-despressant at least 18 months, maybe for life. Depression in men can be so different than in women. Sometimes it can be the moping or suicidal thoughts, but it seems to me that the anger, guilt, and self loathing are the worst.

I don't know if you have dealt with anger connected to depression, but for me this is one of the greatest changes I see. My husband has been quick tempered for years and years. And any attempt by me to express my feelings has been met with angry attacks. In the past 6 months, that has not happened one single time. It is truly life with a different person now that the depression and anxiety are under control.

So there is hope. You can't take care of his problems, but my advice to you would be to stay strong, and support him in treatment. And ask him to stay on medication. My husband was not on the right one to begin with. He thought it wasn't doing anything, and stopped taking it. If one anti-depressant doesn't seem to work, encourage your husband to have the Doctor try a different one!

I know what you are dealing with is difficult, but it can turn out for the best. If he sticks with treatment, your life will be so much better in the future. So hang in there, and sending hugs your way!

wtr,

Thank you, it is nice to know there are others out there that have been through this. Like the infidelity wasn't enough, now this.

Did you and your husband discuss whether his affair was part of his depression? Did you feel a little relieved that maybe there was something more to the affair than just your marriage not doing well?

My husband and I have always lived by the fact that everything happens for a reason. Maybe after all this, he will be much happier than he ever was and our marriage will be much better than it ever was.

I just wonder if he will ever see and appreciate that I have how much I have stood by him and supported him through all this.

I think you should have hope, because with your husband suffering from deep depression, he is likely unable to do the work needed to recover your marriage. But for me, there was no relief that something besides our marriage led to his affair.

An affair is what it is. And no matter the reasons, it's always the choice of the WS. So yes, my husband has now told me that everything he did that hurt me was a result of trying to cope with anxiety and depression. But my only relief is that he is now seeing that the choices he made were his.

You are going to have a very long road to recover from all of this. Look at my registration date, and we are far from what I would call "recovered" but at least on the path.

I too, wanted my husband to see and appreciate how I have supported him for years. He finally has, but it took 2 1/2 years for it to happen. I don't know if your husband will appreciate you, but I do suggest that you need to follow the MB plan, and maybe even call the Harley's if you have the funds. We talked to Steve Harley a few times, and he is very good at working with WS's and FWS's.

I would also suggest that you have a plan to protect yourself and your children. I read a little bit of your thread, and if you have an OW #2, you need to be prepared that you may not recover your marriage, or even want to if your husband does not make major changes.

I do want you to know that life can be better after depression, but there is still a lot of work to be done ahead of you. And please, don't use his depression as an excuse. Yes, it can be a reason for an affair, but it's not a free pass to not do the work needed to repair your marriage. I would suggest that you have a recovery plan, and be very firm about what you need. And he should have an absolute plan as to how he will deal with depression in the future in ways that do not hurt you.

Hope this helps.

Wtr, Thanks for the support.

Don't worry, even though I believe that his depression is the reason he was unable to keep his boundries, I very much know that we have things to work on in our marriage. I have read SAA and started HNHN. In fact, I am bring HNHN to my husband today when we go visit him. I asked him if he would read it and he said probably, so I am bringing it to him today.

I am so grateful that he is accepting all the help they are giving him and he is working very hard at getting himself better. I have not pushed anything regarding our M, figuring that he needs a little time to concentrate on healing himself. However, he has said a few things that show he is thinking that he may want to recover this marriage. He said that we need to make sure that we each have our alone time to relax, like him going ice fishing and me going to dinner with girlfriends. Then, most importantly, he said that we need to make sure to spend time alone together (is he finally getting it???).

I did bring up to him that our 10 year anniversary is only 3 weeks away and that if there was a chance that we may want to celebrate it, we should make reservations now. I specified that I was not trying to pressure him, but if we didn't make any reservations now (our anniversary is the day before valantine's), we may not be able to get any. He told me to make reservations and even specified where he wanted to go for dinner, which was the fancy steakhouse he took me to on the night of my prom. I was so excited, we have not been back there since then. He also told me he loved me once the other day as we were saying our goodbyes on the phone.

Btw, OW#2 was a one night thing with a "friend". Both of them are very very clear that there will be absolutely no more contact between them. However, we will deal with this issue more after he is back home from the hospital for a little while.

Thanks again.

Well, my husband is coming home from the hospital tomorrow. I am not sure what to think. I miss him so much, but I really don't know how he is feeling about us. He probably isn't even thinking about us at this point and I try not to, but I do anyway.

Hopefully this whole situation was hitting the bottom for him and he can realize how good his life really is with me and his boys.

I have noticed that GreenMile has been through something similar, if you have any advise for me I would appreciate it.

If fact, any insight and advice would be wonderful.

I think I would just have him come home and not talk about relationships. Just let him be there, and let him rest.

Hopefully he has reached bottom and will be interested in recovery. But I wouldn't push it.

Believer, I totally agree to just let him rest and no relationship talk. Only one problem, I admit that I am awful at not bringing it up, I try not to, but I have such a hard time not knowing what he is thinking about our future. If you have any tips to help me, I would definately take them.

allboysmom,

I, too, was incapable of holding my tongue in the early days after my FWH's A. Things were very tense, I was a basket case, freaked out that our 37-year M was going down the tubes. Add to that the fact that I am a talker--and the stress only made that worse. You've got even more on your plate, so I would suggest something that helped me: a mild anti-anxiety medication and a heavy dose of prayer.

Pulling for you,

Right Here Waiting

Hi, allboysmom. I'm not much help right now, because I am overwhelmed by the enormous task in front of me, but the best thing I can offer is to let your H's meds kick in before tackling any long term psychiatric problems and the marital relationship problems. It can take weeks for the antidepressant effect of those meds to start working. The sedative and anti-anxiety effects can be immediate, but the antidepressant effects are delayed. Our situations are not exactly parallel. He sounds like he may have a primary depressive illness, rather than a secondary depressive reaction.

Good luck and Best Wishes to you,

GreenMile

rtw, I am definately a talker too. I already have been on zoloft for some time now, but I could maybe talk to the doc about adding something else.

gm, thanks for the reminder, I will try to give his medicine some time to kick in.

I guess it will just depend on his mood and actions towards me. I seem to be okay when he is being friendly and playful with me, but if he starts to put up that wall and have secrets, it gets hard for me not to try to pick his brain at what he is thinking.

I just need to try to focus on the long term and not the short term and realize that he isn't going to all of sudden be all loving and caring toward me. I need to give it time and not smother him. This might be my hardest task yet.

I KNOW what happens when those walls go up. We panic and wonder what other secrets are going to ambush us when they come out. Or worse, that the secrets will NEVER come out, and we are doomed anyway. We not only have the pain that comes from what we already know, but the high anxiety of what might be to come.

I wanted to crawl inside my FWH's head and know EVERYTHING. NOW. What I'd learned on my own (that he was having an A and lying, lying, lying, hated, me, wanted me out of his life!) was so horrible that I NEEDED to understand. It was too much to fathom all at once, and I wanted ANSWERS!

But all my efforts to dig into his brain served only to put more pressure on him than he was already feeling. Worse, he didn't KNOW the answers himself--he'd selfishly conducted the A without considering me at all--NO self-reflection--and his mind was jumbled after D-Day. The enormity of the situation had come crashing down on him too. He'd never considered the consequences, and now they were all around him. (Of course, I was too freaked to believe that it could be possible that he didn't know those things. WTF? I thought. How could he NOT know? What I wanted to know was WHYit had all happened in the first place!)

I would've been much better served to get my focus off the short term, but even with anti-anxiety meds and A/D's, it was almost impossible. It IS the hardest task.

You're right--he ISN'T going to "all of a sudden be all loving and caring" toward you. That's what MB's Plan A is designed to make happen. But it's (unfortunately) YOU who must do it, until he catches up. You MUST learn about and implement Plan A. You cannot pressure him or love bust in any way, especially in light of his recent breakdown. It's your only hope, but you can do it.

Stay with us. We'll help you.

Right Here Waiting

You're right SC, it is time for an update. I know there might be some 2x4's coming, but please keep in mind that some situations can be more complicated that others. I will try not to make this a novel.

So, once my H was released from the hospital, he come home with the kids and I. Things have been much better. He has been diagnosed with bipolar. I don't see quite as clear cut cycles as others with bipolar, but he does have ups and downs. He has needed help for a real long time, but was too stubborn to go get any. He was abused and neglected and emotional skills of a small child. He learned while he was being abused to pretend he didn't have any feelings about it. He has been suicidal since he was a child. I know, I know, Mel is going to get me for going back to childhood, but in some instances it shapes who a person is and how they deal with life.

Things have been much better for us. He has a lot of work to do on himself and then we can work more on us. He is on medication for depression, bipolar, and insomnia. For the most part, I have my real husband back. However, that definately does not mean we are going back to our old marriage though, things are much different.

Okay, so I am sure the 2X4's are coming with this, but here goes anyway. Our only real issue at this time is that he has this thing he has will always feeling like he has to protect himself against everyone. He is not completely transparent with me at this point, but he is going to discuss it with his counseler to see if they can figure out why he feels he has to keep things to himself to protect himself. I do know where he is at all times. I also 100% beleive that he is done with the two OW. I know some won't understand, but we will get to total transparency, it is just that things are so complicated. He knows I need the transparancy, but he is afraid to let go of this protection thing. He was to take things slowly and do them right so he does not end up suicidal again. He is the kind that the more I push, the more defensive and less cooperative he is. Hopefully things will improve soon in that area.

We are going to on a trip to vegas next month for a much needed vacation together. He has also been very involved with the boys, which is nice to see again. We are even looking into a business opportunity and moving to another part of the state for a fresh start. We will see where it goes.

Sorry for the novel, but it has been a while. Any advise is welcome, just don't beat me too bad please

Hey ABM,

I think it is lovely that you can make plans togehter and look to the future. Such a fine line between pushing for what you know is right but giving space for them to come to the same conclusion themselves. I hope he works through his stuff soon.

ST

Why Vegas? Why not somewhere with less glitz and less booze? He is still fragile and may be less prone to depression relapse if in an environment that is calming and not so stimulating. Just a thought.

"Our only real issue at this time is that he has this thing he has will always feeling like he has to protect himself against everyone. He is not completely transparent with me at this point, but he is going to discuss it with his counseler to see if they can figure out why he feels he has to keep things to himself to protect himself."

Hmmmmm. I don't think he really needs to have counseling to figure out why he feels he has to keep things to himself to protect himself - It's because he has been having AFFAIRS!!!! Not too hard to figure that one out.

I would set a short time in my mind for him to start working on recovery, and if he doesn't, then go to Plan B.