I was just trying to be cute with the "my single 23 year old daughter" comment. It's true but I was just trying to lighten it up a little. And, my daughter is in Georgia anyways...no reason for her to go to S. Cal. although it is beautiful out there.

It's true...if you do get out of this marriage you should take at least a year or so just to live YOUR life and do the things that YOU want to do before even thinking about dating.

I know you are in excruciating pain right now but as everyone here will tell you...it does and will get better. It just takes alot of time. But, continue to be smart and take care of YOU and your interests and your future and everything will fall into place after some time.

I also understand what you mean about wanting to go home. I too am now living in a place that I despise...out of my home town for the first time in my life away from family and friends and all the familiar surroundings that I'm accustomed to. It's a bad feeling and homesick is something terrible. But, you know what? I had to realize that this is TEMPORARY and I will get to go back home at some point. Your main focus being in Iraq is keeping yourself SAFE so that you can return home. And, also remember that you are STRONG--you WILL NOT let this ruin your life. You have alot of life ahead of you...you are young. Just chalk it up to experience, learn from it and you will do better in the future.

Soldier,

I am not familiar with what ETS is, but think long and hard, and from a more secure frame of mind, when considering tossing away 9 years of active duty service. Keep your options open, consider going in the guard or reserve. If you are an officer, whatever you do, DO NOT resign your commission.

The benefits of a military retirement are the best there are. At thirty you aren't thinking about free health care, prescription drugs, travel etc. but trust me please, when you get a little older you will be so glad to have them.

I can find a retirement calculator for you if you want, but my investment advisor looked at my retirement package and told me that if would have had to put away more than 3 million dollars in an investment account to yield the payout annually that i can expect, and that's not including medical, dental, drugs etc.

Please think hard before you make this decision and don't let the situation with your WW "sour" you on military service. It's a tough road "out there" right now in the civilian sector and is likely to be for awhile.

I saw a recent article in the Navy Times that showed that an E-5 would have to earn nearly 100K on the outside to match the equivalent in salry, benefits, tax advantages in your BAH and BAS etc. I can find it for you if you like. I don't know too many graphics jobs that shell out those kind of bucks. Of course I don't know a lot of graphics jobs that require deployments to combat zones either, but...just saying.

My .02 cents.

and on the retirement payout, it is my understanding that if you were married for the twenty years you were active, then, she would get half your retirement. It is just another marital asset. Prob split 50/50.

If you were active for 20 yrs and married for 10, then she would be entitled to 1/4th of your retirement.

Does that make sense?

Don't worry I'm not going to be dating for quite a long while, but I am not opposed to making new friends as now I have very few. I don't have any retirement benifits coming to me for my wife to take so there is no issue there. I just got off the phone state side and got all my credit cards frozen and took her name off all of them. Also I called all her credit card companies and got my name off of all cards she had where I was an authorized user. I once again created more seperation and my heart sank, I am still following my mind and ignoring the cries of my heart. I don't know how I can stop now I have to keep going.

"I am still following my mind and ignoring the cries of my heart"

Good job, soldier.

This might shock some sense into your wife.

I am married to a military man who is due to deploy for the third time in May. He wants a divorce which is what brought me to this site.

Being the one "left behind" I can tell you that she is very alone and confused right now. She is not getting the emotional connection that she needs from you and sorry to say, while you are there, you can't give that to her.

I would not loose all hope. If you really want this to work and know in your heart that there is a possibility, there is.

I also agree with the post above about reconsidering your decision to get out of the military. If you don't want to stay active, at least join a National Guard or Reserve unit. You can get a tech job or AGR (Active Guard Reserve) job where you get the same pay/benefits of active duty without having to move around all the time. Don't throw away those 9 years. 11 years will go by fast. I've talked to many people who wish they would have stuck it out. I'm also military, and considering ETS in the next couple of months, but now with a very good chance of divorce in my future, I am reconsidering staying in.

Have you read this whole thread? His wife of only a few months is a serial cheater...even before the wedding. She has some bigger demons to deal with other than lonliness. Although I'm sure that being a miliary wife is a lonely life most of the time. But, you know that going into it--that the situation will be there and the wife will be alone much of the time.
Sure, I suppose soldier could drag himself through the mud for how ever many years, add some kids to the mix and complicate matters even more but using your head (the one on your shoulders) is the most trusted method for this situation.
Soldier, continue using your intellect to guide you through this--protect yourself and cut this girl loose.

I forgot to add in my last post that I'm sure you have more friends than you realize.

Sorry, just giving my advice as this is a marriage builder site.

I have a girlfriend who is married to a "serial cheater." They are going through counceling and from what she tells me, the guy has changed his ways. He cheated before they were married and everytime she leaves for a military school...up until about 6 months ago (or so she trusts.)

It probably is best to avoid these types of people and get out of those situations as quickly as possible for most people...but for others, seeing counceling together and learning to be better people together can make a great marriage in the end....or at least I'm hoping for my friends sake.

I know that some people say that she, as well as myself, are living in a fairy tale hoping that these situations will conclude to a successful/happy marriage, but I am for doing anything and everything to make a marriage work if there is still love.

I do agree that the soldier needs to protect himself and do what is right for him. Cut off her money and stay strong for his own sake...but it is possible to overcome...

Sorry, but you are NOT helping.

In your foggy state, you represent the problem with FcalSoldier's situation ... an untrustworthy WW ... rather than the solution.

NotGivingUp,

You are correct that this is a marriage building site. I too side with the marriage, first and foremost. To me, the decision to end a marriage resides between a BS and God. A WS has no right to end the marriage. And anyone else besides the BS really has no right to advise to end the marriage.

That being said, advice can be given that, since he doesnt have children with his wife, that it may be easier to just move on...especially since his wife is a serial cheater. That is a plan...and it is justifiable.

But, I also caution that he takes this process slowly, as he may go through this and decide he may want to try to see if the marriage is salvagable. If so, that is also a valid option.

You see, being the BS...he gets to make choices...and which ever way he goes, they are approrpiate (unlike the choices that a WS makes...which only have one appropriate choice).

Soldier...many of us here are giving you early advice to protect your assets, etc. You need to do that no matter which way you go (divorce or save the marriage). As I said in my earlier post...the process is the same no matter if you want to stay or go.

As Just Learning advised me so long ago, when my situation happened while I was deployed...what you do next is really simple (but not easy!). You can choose to divorce her immediately. You could choose to wait and let your emotions get control to decide what you want to do. Or you can choose to pursue reconciliation, if that is possible. But the great thing is...you dont have to make a decision TODAY!

Since you have done the things to protect your assets, you can really just sit back over the next few months until the end of your deployment and read, learn, pray...and come up with a COA (Course of Action). There is no rush.

My advice is to take your time and get into a good place where you can make life-altering decisions. Once you have educated yourself properly.

Dr. Harley has said that it is probably better that a guy in your place just divorce. The reason is that there are no kids involved and your marriage is a short one with repeated infidelity. And that may be the logical choice you make. But do so once you have a clear head and your emotions are not toying with you. Remember, this choice is between you and God...and no one else. Whatever He tells you to do will be the best course to take.

Sorry for your pain Fcal.

The fact that you don't have children with your WW, I say cut your losses and find a worthy woman. You are only 30. Trying to recover from this betrayal will take years and there is no guarantee of success. During that time, starting a family would only complicate matters and tie you forever to a woman who may never grow up and suck all joy out of your life. You deserve better.

The years I have in service have been long and hard. My family means a lot to me and I don't want to have to leave them again. My Brigade is already talking about redeploying about six months after we get back and I really don't want to do this again. I talked to my brother and he mentioned going through with the divorce but keep lines of communication open and if it works it works and if not I can just walk away. I definatly need time to just step back (way back) and re evaluate my life and re establish my goals. I need time to find myself again and will be non military during that time. I have 2 degrees working in my favor and if I decide to go back military I will come in as an officer. As far as the rest of my plan goes this is my thoughts on what I should do so far. Plans may change and I don't think I will ever know anything for sure untill I get home and spend a long time with my family.

It is good to take your time and not make any major decisions right now.

You might want to see about joining the reserves (although nowdays they seem to go to Iraq also). I work for the federal gov and there are lots of folks that go into the reserves, work as a civilian, and then advance their career. I don't know all the ends and outs of it, but see it alot.

Have you done anything about letting the OM's wife know?

I am back tracking, here to make sure that I have my key points in place. You are 30 or close there too, Military, currently active duty. You have been together with your wife for 9 years and married only over a year. Essentially you have been together since your early 20’s. And living together most of that time as well.

This isn’t the first time that she has cheated; this is just the time she has gotten caught.

Through our twenties we develop who we are, some people commit early in their twenties to another and it works, but as children develop their identities and quirks through their first 10 years of life, the years 20 to 30 is where we establish ourselves as adults, learning who we are at the core. Please note this is just how I view things. I think you both need to establish who you are apart from each other. As individuals, what you may find may tell a story, but I don’t think at this time you can do this together. It isn’t healthy. I think that you will find that today you are a very different person than you were a year ago, 2 years ago, or 5 years ago. While we all evolve and change we need to have time with ourselves to do that.

I view relationships as having 3 parts if you will. A foundation, which is the two individuals in the relationship, and the peak, the relationship itself (Think Pyramid). The relationship is only as strong as the foundation, the two members holding it up, contributing to it, if they do not know themselves how can they be true to their relationship as in keep it strong when they are themselves weak. Does this apply to all cases certainly not. But I think in this one, both of you have a lot of soul searching and finding of yourselves to do before you can even think of saving this.

Divorce does not mean that the spouse is dead or can no longer have a place in your world. It can if that is how you decide but it will give you I think both time to breathe and figure things out without the pressure of the relationship to work with. With time and work on both of your parts you may find your future in each other or separate.

Family and friends are so important in this as a support system, as an outlet. Counselors, chaplain, co workers. You have to know that you are not alone in this, no matter how you may view it or think about it, you are not the only one. Sometimes we have a hard time seeing beyond the fog that is our pain and grief but the hands are there if you take them.

While this may not be marriage building advice, I think that for any marriage to work we first have to build ourselves as people. Time is on your side. You are young and have a lot of future ahead of you.

Fcal,

Just an note from another retired military brother.

It's evident you have a solid plan and goals for both your future and your M.

As you have metioned, who knows what the future holds. But you need to measure what's best from your (her) past. Over time if she can prove herself, and you care to allow her the opportunity, anything is possible. For now, from what you have typed, I believe D is the best solution.

Keep us in the loop, and don't hesitate to ask for help, come here to vent. It was tough enough for me to survive this while home, I can only imagine how caged you must feel being deployed.

Please keep your head on swivel, and your heart in check.

-JKT

OM's wife does know and they have the luxury of being in the same state to go to counseling together. I am in the reserves and my deployment is for a length of time that is over a year long by a few months. The turn around time for reserves to deploy is speeding up and the definition of reserve is changeing. Before I deployed I was being put on mandatory orders and training, so it is not really one weekend a month two weeks a year anymore. The reserves are being sent out on deployments faster and faster as the numbers of soldiers are being shortened. Currently our military budget is being cut and we can baraly afford to maintain all our equipment with the limited personel we have. The military is making a change and I don't like it one bit. I have missed birthdays, annaversaries, and other events due to drill weekends. I tried to RST drills (make them up later in the week) but the brigade I am in says you can't miss drill unless you are dead or dieing. I don't want any more interuptions to my family. I have served my country honorably and even after my contract here I am serving my country with pride, but my time is coming up. I will see if in the future the military is my only way to survive, but untill then I want to give my civilian carrer a shot.

Got it. It makes me SICK that our soldiers in Iraq don't have enough money and manpower to keep everything in tip top condition. It is a crime.

Please accept by humble appreciation for what you are doing, and let others there know that the American people are deeply indebted.

The OM and his wife do have the luxury of working things out comfortably at home with counseling. I he feels like H*LL with guilt.

My FWH left the reserves after 10 yrs of service because of the reasons you listed and that was almost 10 yrs ago. The rate of deployment was insane. I'm sure it's gotten even worse since then.

Thank you for your service.

Amen! My son is being deployed to Kuwait in March for a month and then on to Iraq. Because of this, I now have more understanding and appreciation for our service men and women than I ever have.

You're making all the right decisions right now, even though your heart may disagree.