hello--

i have posted here before, but circumstances haved changed and i'd like some advice on the "next steps."

my wife moved out last june/july after us being married for about 16 years. we have 4 beautiful children. i had a stroke that almost killed me last january. i am now nearly 100% recovered physically.

background on our marriage. my wife beth was a "supercaretaker" who grew up around alcoholic parents. i have had alcohol issues since we met. now i'm 100% sober...no alcohol since may 19th, 2008. anyway, she worked like an angel keeping me alive after my stroke. it's hard to explain, but she was given a lot of credit from my medical team for me being alive today. it' true.

so this has been her since we've been together. she saved me from huge debt in our first year of marriage. about 38-thousand dollars, she fixed that in one year!

so, after my stroke, i came home, mowed the lawn and drank a cold beer. she flipped out, flung her ring at me and said "that's it! it's over!" crying and yelling at me. that one act exposed a lot of raw nerves in her. she accused me of being to controlling of her, jealous to the max, and frankly i agree, i was those things.

so here we are january 2009. we have spent a lot of time together. we still do. an example would be sunday night. i went to the grocery store and bought her some groceries, then we sat down and watched several episodes of our favorite tv show on dvd.
we went to dinner for her birthday, came back, watched more dvds, i kissed her on the forehead (a new development, i've never felt comfortable pushing myself on her) and said "i love you, happy birthday." she said thanks and i went home.

point here is, it seems like she's not really in the "that's it! it's over!" mode. we spend on average 5 evenings a week together. family drives, going to movies, dinner, dvd movies at home, etc. she does not act harsh towards me, nothing like a woman that would want me out of her life. she has never threatened to filed divorce. in fact she has only used that word twice. once in the MC office.

we did m counseling, but it turned into a disaster when the mc told beth she was co-dependent. she is not comfortable with that label (the counselor was aware of that beforehand) and we never went back. i am seeing individual counselor dealing with self-esteem, which apparently led to the jealousy and controlling.

so, as you read this do you sense that she's not in the "it's over" mode? i haven't given up by a long shot. i make it my goal to treat her like the princess she is. she deserves a lot better than i've given her, i'll admit. give me your thoughts and advice.

I would go to Dr. Harley's concepts. First meet her needs and do a fantastic job showing her you can change and are not just controlling and jealous, etc... Make sure you have done the best job you can at meeting her needs and then give her space and time. You have to make sure she misses you. By being with each other all the time you are still meeting her needs and she gets the best of both worlds. Make sure you do the space thing correctly. Don't make it seem to her like you don't want her but rather that you want her but you want her to want you.

Taking your space will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. I know I have been there. My H left me and moved into his father. I did plan A alone. I didn't about MB or Dr. Harley but I wanted to show my husband that I did love him and I could meet his needs.

I needed MB and Dr. Harley for plan B. I was co-dependent on my husband. Partly because I have never been on my own. It took one week of space. One week of not talking or seeing my H for him to come home. I had to avoid doing so much because we went to the same places and have the same friends. I even missed one of my best friends birthdays because I knew my H would be there. It was awful but you can do it.

If she loves you and is committed to your marriage, which it sounds like she is than she will realize it and miss you. Once she comes home you can't stop. You have to continue to meet her needs until it becomes second nature to you. You have to continue to communicate with her. Tell her your feelings. Let her know what hurts you but don't harp on the issues. It is alot of work but you can do it.

Good Luck. Try checking the Plan A and Plan B discussion board and meeting Emotional Needs. Read everything you can get your hands on and try to do anything that feels right. Any advice no matter how hard it is to do, that feels like you needed the advice and really touches your heart, you probably needed it. So do it. Make the commitment to do everything you can for yoru marriage.

God Bless!