Mr. M,

""I wake up sad and go to bed sad. I am ashamed. I can't concentrate at work. I can't look at myself in the mirror. Am I just giving myself a big pity party or is this normal behavior?""

Dude, it is normal behavior, but maybe at the extreme end of the normal. You may wish to ask your doc for an anti-depressant. This will help take the edge off and let you get through the day.

As far as being ashamed, what the HECK do YOU have to be ashamed about?? If your W died would you be ashamed for being sad and crying all the time?

Is your wife totally remorseful and committed to rebuilding your marriage? Marriage counseling can help with talking out the feelings you both are having. The therapist can direct the conversation to constructive avenues and keep it away from the lovebusting.

You W should be totally supportive of whatever you wish to help you overcome this betrayal.

You have every right to be sad and cry...(but not in front of her)

BUT BEING ASHAMED??? NO WAY, MAN!!

Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, exercise to exhaustion, eat 3 meals a day, lay off the sauce, and take deep breaths. Do check into the anti-Ds.

You are on the high road my brother, SHE IS THE ONE TO BE ASHAMED! NOT YOU!

You must grow a larger pair and hold your head up.

IMHO

kirk

Make SURE you want to stay in the marriage before exposing. I lost a LOT of cash as my XWW would have given me ANYTHING to keep the ***EDIT*** quiet. I valued revenge more than cash and could have left w/ most of our assets. As it turns out, I only got the usual 50% cause she had nothing to lose by the time I divorced her. Also, are you better off financially if you leave her? We're entering a depression? She MAY have done you a favor. I know it sounds ludicrous, but its possible she gave you an out that you might want to take. I did, and she cries ALL the time, crushed by her mistake. She takes ALL the blame for ruining the marriage. My son has disowned her, but my daughters are still too young to know what happened. I'm just saying, think THROUGH the entire situation, you JUST might be better walking. If so, and you are cruising around in a vette and a 2009 Shelby Cobra, you won't be too sad, TRUST ME!

DUDE

it shouldn't be about revenge, its about letting people know what kind of person they/other person/them collectively are and more importantly bringing out something that was lurking in the dark under everyones nose out into the daylight infront of everyone, and causing the A to end. If something is done out of revenge it very seldom has a good ending, something done out of a system with logic and reason usually prevails. This person wants his wife back, wants his marriage, and if she dosen't come back then he has tried all he can and he knows that. Sometimes its better to walk or sometimes run, but if it can be saved then kudos to them. Your wife shouldn't take all the blame, a marriage ends because of two people, her A cinched it but you made conditions right for the A, whether it was lack of communication, attention, doing the things that made her happy or all the above, her choice to go outside the marriage for these things was her choice not yours, and a devestating choice, but all in all most marriages can be worked out if both parties see the error of their ways. I got to say I feel bad for your wife, not as bad as I feel for you but still feel bad, her guilt and shame must be enormous, everyone suffers is the bottom line.

Why do you feel sorry for her. She had an affair......that means she had an exciting, romantic escapade with another man. She betrayed my trust, she abandoned her responsibilities and wiped her feet on our vows. She lied to me, she lied to our children and everyone else. I would come home after work and pick up the slack because I thought she was working late. I can't help that I want to hurt this man. He is married and needs to be hurt as much as or worse than me. I can only think of one way to do that. His wife probably already knows he is a piece of crap, so telling her wouldn't do much good.

oh not feeling sorry for her in the way you think
I agree with you %110, all my thoughts and prayers go to you. I fell sorry for her when she realizes what she has done, its a different kind of sorry. Its a horrible situation, that gut wrenching feeling, I know it all to well.

Mr. Magoo,

You struck me as a man who would benefit from this pep talk I found online and want to share with you. I didn't write this, but I ask you to keep it in the back of your head. It may come to this, especially if she feels no remorse or is continuing it:

I am your instructor, Mr. Jensen. I am not a lawyer, consult one. Anything I say here may have its mileage vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. My qualifications are two divorces, one in which I did everything wrong and got reemed, and one in which I did everything right and came out with my skin relatively intact.

Let’s start with the fundamentals. First. Decide right now if you want to be a winner or a loser. You are about to enter the Lion Pit. Get used to it, grow up and accept it. Any misconceptions you had about morality, right and wrong, and justice in the Justice System are bunk. All such things are absolutely irrelevant. Your sole concern is legal, and illegal. If it goes to a judge, you are not facing Solomon who will try to establish something fair. That is the job of a mediator. The judge will decide who is the winner, and who is the loser. If you don’t want to be a winner, take their offer right now, and get out of my class. I guarantee it will be far more generous that what the judge decides. The court is NOT your friend.

Number two. I want you to say something right now: “She will never do that to me, she would never be like that.” If you wish to paraphrase, be my guest. I’ll wait.

Done?

Good. Now, let that be the last time you ever say that. This is not the nice, sweet girl you married. This is the b*tch that is divorcing you. Grow up. Accept it. Right now she is plotting how to get you. And probably has been. Either be prepared to treat her as your mortal enemy, or confess that you really didn’t want to be a winner after all. She will treat you as such, I guarantee you. Don’t let anyone shame you with words like “Not sinking to her level.” While you should avoid illegal and unethical behavior which will be punished or looked on with a jaundiced eye, I grant, you should absolutely sink to her level otherwise. There is no such thing as a moral victory here. Any people who say this to you want to see you put your club down so they can see her clobber you with hers. These people are NOT your friends.

With me so far? Number three. You cannot stop this divorce. You can only delay it, at best, and you will be punished for doing so. The judge and the court doesn’t want to see you any more then necessary. Why? Yes, you in the back –uh huh – that’s right! Because they are NOT your friend! No fault divorce is the law in every state of the Union, and every province in Canada. And she decided she wanted out long ago. If she wanted to work it out, she would have suggested counseling. Your marriage is over, and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, as the saying goes. Grow up. Accept it. She does NOT want to be your friend anymore.

All righty, those are the ground rules. Questions? No? Part two then.

Some things you should have. First, despite what you may have heard about “Planning for divorce only assures divorce” I am here to tell you that it is unvarnished crap. You should have incriminating papers, financial records, valuable identification, and a certain amount of cash secured somewhere. This location should be a place you know, and have ready access to. Duplicate keys for many things should be there as well. If you keep such things in your home, you are an idiot.

If you have a lick of sense, you will have copies of canceled checks, money orders, and such with your signature to show you are paying the bills. I don’t care if it is coming out of a joint account, if you sign it, you pay it. If she signs it, she pays it. It’s that simple, and it’s amazing how many men get nailed by this piece of chicanery.

Next, have the name of a good, man friendly attorney. You can find these out by listening to men who have gotten a reasonable deal in a divorce, or by listening to women who have lost in a case. While rare, these people exist. Make sure they still practice. You need to call them, right now, and make an appointment. Again, I will wait.

At the risk of indulging in 20/20 hindsight, you should have seen the signs. She has stopped having nookie with you, she is not talking to you, she won’t tell you what is wrong, and if she does speak to you it is a litany of grievances and past offenses, whether real or imagined. Your job is not to argue here. You will not convince her. No matter what you do, you can do no right. She has already steeled herself to dispose of you, and is working up a good mad so she can treat you like her mortal enemy, and not feel guilty. She is erasing every good memory of you from her head.

Her habits have changed. Women are creatures who love habit, routine, and the familiar. Is she showing a persistent interest in finances? Does she hang up the phone quickly? Does she disappear for hours on end? Does she have mysterious appointments? Chances are she is consulting an attorney, and quite likely having an affair. This doesn’t matter if she is, but it is a hint and a half for you.

There is no sense in getting angry or confronting her, such will only give her the excuse she is looking for. If you are in this state, rejoice. You have hope to get out with your skin intact.

Forewarned is forearmed, and if at all possible (And legal) you should put a tap on the phone and record calls. This is NOT for evidence. This is to give you a heads up, and let you know what she is planning. It will not be admitted in any evidence, and you should make this tap removable and secure the tapes elsewhere. In any event, be your own detective. In addition, if you have a firearm, your bong from High school, or any recreational pharmaceuticals at all, get rid of them from your residence. Cupcake will, I promise, point out that you have an old roach clip hanging from your rear view mirror, and have you busted for residue from 1986.

Now here is where most men self destruct. Do not confront her. Do not beg, plead, argue, or cry to her. Pretend that everything is fine. Pretend you are the ignorant sucker she is counting on you to be. What you do is this – armed with the knowledge of her plans, preempt them. If she talks about getting the restraining order next Monday, you do so on Friday. If she talks about moving, stay home that day. Do not allow her to put her plan into action first. She is counting on the element of surprise, and if you remove that, all will fall apart on her. On that day will be the confrontation, and it is certain, if you have played your cards correctly, she will flip her lid. This is what you want.

One thing you need to remember is to stay absolutely, one-hundred percent calm at all times. The police are NOT your friends, and have been trained to look for any excuse to jail you. It doesn’t matter if you are a 140 pound accountant, and she is an Olympic weightlifter with four black belts. You are the male. You are the batterer, or the potential one. She is the poor dear who must be protected. No matter how it flies in the face of reason, all she has to do is claim being “afraid” and you are sunk. Utterly doomed. In addition, if you are calm, she will more than likely go from flipping out to absolutely berserk. This is NOT how it was supposed to be!

If the police must be called, you call them. Do not meet them outside. If you are outside, it is easier to make you be the one to leave. Do not cower inside. If they have to coax you out, you will piss them off. Be in the doorway, with your hands visible. Ask them in, and ask them to remove her, and if at all possible, have your attorney there or on the way. Cops will not screw with attorneys or step one inch out of line while they are present. The only thing a cop fears or respects is an attorney, acting in their official capacity.

Under no circumstances do you ever admit to yelling, threatening, raising your voice, raising your hand, or hitting her – and here, I don’t care if you lie. Admit nothing, find a simple story, and stick to it. Under no circumstances do you agree to leave. Don’t fight if they remove you – BUT DO NOT – I repeat - *DO* *NOT* leave. Do not surrender the house or your children If you leave, you have abandoned the home. The court will view this as black and white, anything else as an excuse, and you will never, ever get them back.

Do not let her take the kids. Do not let her take jewelry or papers. Do agree to allow her to take clothes, and only clothes, under, in order of preference, 1) You will get them for her, 2) Your attorney can supervise, 3) The officer can supervise. This will make you look good and reasonable. Let her take toiletries. Let her take nothing else. If you have more than one car, give up the one you do not want to see again. Do not let her take credit or bank cards. Make sure she has enough money for a hotel room for two nights, and about $50 for food if she has money, or write her a check for it. This will make you seem like a generous prince. Do not, however, at this point be alone with her. Have a cop with you at all times.

Upon her leaving, change the locks and notify your attorney that you want a restraining order. At this point, I want you to understand one thing, and one thing only, if you realize nothing else at all: You are paying that attorney for their expertise. If they suggest a course of action, especially if they have a proven track record of success, do what they say. This is why you are paying them. Let them have the wheel, and you be the passenger.

Do not talk to you wife after that except as directed by your attorney.

Do not call her, or try to contact her. You have no idea how swiftly this can be twisted into stalking and harassment.

Do not let her take the kids until you have a solid parenting agreement that has the court’s blessing. Courts get real pissed off when they are disobeyed. If they haven’t ruled, they can’t be disobeyed now, can they? Congratulations sucker. You just surrendered your kids to her custody. Look them real hard in the face and hug them tight. You might not see them for a spell.

If she asks for anything, your answer should be – yes, you in the hat? No! Nimrod! Give her nothing because she asks! Yes, you in St. Louis – correct! “I’ll run that by my attorney” is the correct answer. Follow your attorney’s advice. If he says, “Screw her!” then don’t be moved by tears or begging. If he says, “Go ahead, that’ll make you look good” do it with a smile. Your attorney, and your attorney alone is your friend, because you have PAID for that friendship.

Do not sleep with her. This is begging for a r*pe charge. What is fundamental number two? Yes, she will do it.

Do not bring “loose women” home. Swear off drinking, your Friday night poker parties, the dope, and any vice which might be brought up against you. While it is irrelevant for you to bring it up, she will be heard. Give her no excuse that you aren’t feeding the kids right, that you are letting them stay up, that you are leaving them alone. Don’t even smoke in your house. Keep it clean, even if you have to hire a service. If DCFS shows up, you want to be Little Sammy Homemaker.

Above all, do not tip your hand. Do not show your cards to her mother, her brother, her best friend, to the girl you are banging. Two people can keep a secret, but only if one is dead. It will get back to her, and you will regret it. Yes, her Best Friend thinks she always treated you so bad, and does this feel good, and how are you going to get her, here let me undo that, and I’ll never tell a soul – yeah, right. And how many times have we heard a woman tell us a secret she promised never to tell? Especially when she has probably been sent on a dirt-collecting mission to begin with. Stay alert, and trust no friend except the ones bought and paid for.

Now, in closing, as I said, I am no attorney, and the mileage on this may vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. You will still be playing on her turf, and with people disposed to favor her, if not outright biased against you. But you use this as a guideline, after running it by your attorney, and you will stand one heck of a lot better chance than the last poor slob. How do I know this? I lifted a lot of the ideas from a the postings of feminist attornies on “woMYn’s” sites while I was trolling as a woman. It pays to know your enemies.

Okay. Class dismissed. I’ll pray there won’t be a test for you.

You have no idea what his wife does know or does not know.

She may suspect something is amiss but not be able to put her finger on it. She may think there's an affair but her WH is probably telling her it's all in her mind. She's probably thinking she's crazy and doubting her own sanity. She won't be happy to hear what you have to say, but she will almost certainly be relieved.

Or, she may be totally clueless about his behavior. He may be exposing her to STDs and threatening her life with is promiscuous behavior. She has a right to know about that.

Don't assume his wife knows anything. She probably doesn't and could be the biggest ally in all of this for you.

Never use exposure as a way to get revenge. Look at it as a tool in saving your marriage. If OM is a client of your wife's, chances are they will run into each other again. Exposing to his CO will more than likely remove him from his current position. Don't let his poor wife think everything is okay in her marriage. If he thinks he dodged a bullet and got a free pass, he may do this to someone elses marriage. Your putting a stop to bad behavior, not getting revenge.

The last few days have been miserable. I am having real trouble controlling my anger. I jog at night around my neighborhood and have been yelling out loud. At work the other day a co-worker started talking to me while I was on the phone (unknown to him), it took everything I had not to punch him. This scares me because I'm not a violent person but something has changed in me.
I have thought about exposing him to his commanding officer but I dont want his wife and children to lose their income. They can't help the fact that they live with a [censored].

Anybody above him can and probably will make him act better. expose to them

I am retired military and agree with the need to expose the A, both to the military and to OMW. You can take a look at some of my posts to see how the exposure played out for my H and for the OW.

Most BSs feel great relief after exposure. Right now it seems as though you are "stuffing" your feelings down, can talk to people on this board, but really no one else in your family, friends or workplace know what is going on. That is a lonely place to be.

I think most BSs feel the anger. I once drove down a two lane country road at more than 90 mph, screaming as loud as I could (would not recommend it). My FWH recently revealed to me that he was concerned early on that I would "do something" to OW. His concern was not so much what would happen to her, but that I would suffer consequences of physically hurting her or her property. Even though I wanted to and sometimes still do, I never did anything to OW. I have pretty much limited myself to saying 3-4 times a day that I hate her.

Stay calm, figure out what YOU want here - divorce, recover the marriage? Keep reading and keep posting. Best wishes.

AM

They will lose nothing.

He will just have to get another job. OM will not be the first married person to have to get a new job. People do it all the time.

Most times from what I have read the OM will get transfered far away. Or told to retire if he has the time in.

It's not you job to protect the OM and his family.

It's your job to protect yours. Expose the OM so there will be NC.

Has the OMW been told? OMW needs to be told as well.

The anger you feel is very normal. Been there.

But you MUST expose. They won't lose their income. I can guarantee that.

What's the situation with your wife?

Mr. M,

You did nothing wrong. Not exposing to the OM's wife is forcing you to keep a secret that is making you crazy. She deserves to know and you know that's right.

You also can't believe a flipping thing your WW is saying to you either. So she says it is over and just wants you to forget it and move on? How do you know it's over? Because of her track record of honesty? Expose to his CO, that'll keep him away from her for sure. If she has access to the base and you don't, you have no way of knowing what they are up to.

If you file a complaint with the CO and tell him you expect a report of disciplinary action you will likely get some action. I sure hope you saved the email that the dirtbag replied to from his .mil account telling you to back off it's over. Forward it to the CO. Politely ask in your email forward if he could give you the name and email address of the JAG and IG.

Now the CO may be buds with this creep OM, but he'll at least tell him to cut it out or else. You follow up with the CO and ask for the resolution...then call the IG and confirm.

If you don't expose to these people you will feel like a doormat forever and give the A a chance to rekindle or continue. You are also hiding something from the OM's wife that she has a right to make her own informed decision about.

Let me make one more plea for you to expose this to OMW and his superiors. You can now make informed decisions about your life based on the truth that you were told. This poor man’s wife is living a life based on lies and deception and YOU are robbing her of her right to make informed decisions about her future by not telling her. This is probably not his first affair and it probably won’t be his last. By not telling her about her sleazebag of a husband, you share in the responsibility for the hurt she may face in the future when he continues cheating on her and eventually passes on an STD to her or worse.

I was in your shoes and I exposed to everyone I could think of. My wife and her OM were both fired, but the affair ended and we have been in recovery for almost 9 months now. Months after the affair ended, I caught the piece of crap getting cozy with another woman and I exposed that to his wife too, because she DESERVED to know what she was married to.

You can never believe anything a wayward says. Don’t believe that the affair is over until you can verify everything independently of your WW. Exposure is the best tool you have to insure that the affair is over and that it will never start up again. Any consequences that your wife or OM suffer is solely their fault and not yours. When my wife got angry about the exposure and tried to blame her getting fired on me, I simply told her that if she hadn’t betrayed our vows and f##ked this slimeball then there would have been nothing to expose. Don’t let fear and shame prevent you from doing what needs to be done.

Things are going from bad to worse. I have been trying everyting in my power to show her how much I love her. She acts like we are going to make it work sometimes and then acts like she doesn't care other times. This is killing me. She is makeing me feel like the one who cheated. I have decided to break my promise to her and expose the other man. My self esteem is destroyed. My spirit is broken, I think I want a divorce. But I have to try this first. I have been robbed of my future and I am furious. There is going to be hell. I have been violated. I have to start healing because I am just wasteing away. This all took place during a very diffucult time in my oldest daughter's life. I look back and realize my wife probably confided in him instead of me. I know i am old fashioned but I still believe in marriage and this hurts. I am praying for a miracle.

Do you have the information to contact the Commander or the means to go to his office? If enlisted you could go to or call his 1st SGT. Unit Chaplain is a good person to start with. Some bases have what is called a Family Services office. They handle alot of things for families but also can help with getting phone numbers etc. But understand you will have to identify yourself and your wife. No way around that.

Mr Mrmago,

I am sorry you find yourself in this predictment!

But, Here comes a wake up call for you: Why do you post here for advice when you keep ignoring the advice given?

If you have no goal for where you are going you will get to nowhere.

Get a plan and start following it!

God bless your struggle!