Do you mean recover my marriage? I think it's dead if I'm really honest with what is going on. And I'm full of rage towards WH.

As for stashing cash, I'm trying but it's been tough since I've been out of work. But I do start a part=time, temp. job next week.

I've started picking up gift cards every time I go to the grocery store. It gets added onto the bill so hopefully WH won't notice these and just think I've purchased an additional $25 of groceries.

Yesterday I ran into OW's BIL at the Dr.'s office. What a small world!!

He purposely sat next to me and asked how I was. I said I'm upset about what's happened to my M and family. Told him that WH is now D-ing me.

Surprise -- he says he does not like my WH. Would rather WH not come to his house anymore. Said even OW's sis is unhappy with situation.

He also said he doesn't approve of the way OW is raising her kids. That recently he had to drive across town to take OW's kids to practice since OW and WH had gone to Vegas yet again. Said WH should be helping with those kids.

Also said he's mad at OW for getting involved with a married man and repeatedly letting him move in with her and her kids. BIL said he was raised to respect marriage and hates to see our family broken up over this. Can't understand how WH could leave a beautiful wife and 3 great kids.

Soooo....maybe some LBing will come after all when it comes to OW's kids and family.

It's been 6 weeks and WH has yet to visit his kids. He's obviously on vacation from being a Dad to his own kids. But if he starts being a dad to her kids, I'll come unglued!!!!

Hey.

A woman with a sense of humour and complemented for her beauty. Your rep is getting better all the time.

What does OW look like?

37 years old, bleached blond 2-toned hair, fake nails, BAD teeth. Yep, I noticed bad teeth in several photos and even WH commented about this.

But -- she sells cosmetics for a living. Yep, drives the black cadillac to boot. So her makeup is impectable. And dresses like a hooker.

Hi HH,

Thought I would take my reply to your post on your thread.



Actually, I have been in Plan B for a very looooong time, it's given me time to heal, and have been open to some contact to settle assets for Plan D.

In your case, I would suggest a very DARK plan B, and the less you know about what your WS is doing the better, so that you can start taking better care of yourself and start the healing process, especially given the crap you had to put up with the past year. If your WS wants a D, get advice from attorney on how best to protect your rights. You really have no control over what your WS does. The sooner you GET THAT the better off you will be. The best you can do, is get OUT OF HIS WAY and let him live out the consequences of his choices.

Should he want to meet your conditions of Plan B again, as already suggested, work with Steve H. to 'monitor' your recovery plan.



HH, I also suggest not wasting your time 'guessing' what and why your WS is thinking, feeling or doing. Use your energy to focus on what YOU need TO DO to protect yourself and your kids' interest, because you can bet on ONE thing only.... your WS is NOT!


In retrospect, it will be easy to think of things a BS could have done differently to contribute in creating a more loving M....however, it would not have necessarily made a difference in WS's behaviour....because a WS's decisions/actions to have an A have to do with WS...his perceptions, his coping mechanisms when under duress, self-knowledge about one's fears, frustrations and expectations, auto-discipline capabilities... so, I hope you aren't just looking for ways to 'beat yourself up' over A...

I have been in Plan B a long time, so, chose no contact with WS, and no other R until D....what did I do? I took it as an opportunity to learn how to better take care of myself, learn how to identify and satisfy needs, mine and those of others, learn about relationships dynamics, and appreciating the presence of family and friends in my life...and so, that's what I encourage you to do...

You haven't been long in Plan B - NC with WS. EXPECT to want to find 'excuses' to speak to WS (just like a WS with OP!) So, please find ways to 'resist' this temptation!

I hesitantly attended a cousin's wedding yesterday. I was worried about how I would react hearing the marriage vows exchanged and seeing the happy bride and groom.

I even bought a new dress and shoes and I looked FABULOUS!

Guess what? I felt good, too. Actually great. Because when I heard the vows I confirmed that I MEANT every one of them when I said them to WH over 23 years ago.

I meant it when I said "in good times and in bad" and foresaking all others. And I meant it when I said we would be together "til death."

The priest talked about marriage -- about putting God first and spouse second. And with God in your life as number 1, everything else falls into place. He also talked about meeting your spouses needs, not being selfish, and how marriage takes work with give and take.

I never broke my vows to H once. NEVER. He broke his vows to me repeatedly. He chose to cheat and lie and break promises of reconciliation. He chose to go outside of our marriage to find some skank to meet his needs. He chose to put aside his morals and beliefs. He chose to leave our kids and destroy our family. He chose to financially crush us. He chose to file for D to end our marriage.

Family members and friends at the reception were so supportive of me and my kids. They are all shocked by WH's actions and HIS filing of D. Especially troubling is that it's been 6 weeks and WH has yet to visit our kids.

Hi Holyheart, glad the wedding went well for you.
About 2 weeks after H dropped the "Im not happy" bomb and wanted to move we went to an outdoor wedding together and I cried during the vows. H was "annoyed" with me. It was like he totally checked out emotionally never to return. He was so up in the fog babble he had visions of a perfect life.

I am glad that you stood strong and getting the support you deserve. This really does beat us down.

T2L told me she has your contact info. Can she give it to me. Our stories are sooooo alike it would like to talk to a kindred soul about this.

take care.

Started part-time job today. It's the same job I had for 16 years before quiting to start a business a few years ago. Lots of familiar faces. Think word is out since no one asked about WH.

I've vowed to not discuss him or D during the 4 hours I'm there each day. I will just focus on the job at hand.

And I opened a checking account today in my name only to deposit my checks.

Yep...I'm preparing for the D.

But...I still hope for a miracle that the darkest of the dark Plan B's will cause WH to wake up. But we're on week 7, WH has filed, he's still not seen the kids, and he doesn't appear to be sliding one bit.

Just wish he hadn't filed so I could Plan B without having to Plan D. Plan D sucks.

HH

It is a difficult road we are traveling but we have to continue to have faith. Some days are worse than others but it is what it is and we both hope that our H's have an awakening.

God is knocking on their doors and if they don't answer I know He will put other roadblocks up. We are on his time schedule not ours. take care. Keep in touch

I know what you are saying, Hope.

I was ready yesterday to confront WH with evidence of financial discrepancies due to his out-of-control spending. Yep -- I was hot. I had noticed large sums of "missing" money and now had the backup to prove it. I wrote out a detailed letter itemizing my concerns and was ready to leave it with WH's mail.

But I stopped. And I prayed. Then I got my answer.

Let the issue go for now. Why? To stop trying to control what I don't have control over. Let God do His work. Let the financial stuff come out when it's time -- like during the D process.

The issue is not going away. It will still be there. Don't worry about pushing it. It will only cause problems. I want to slooooooooooow plaaaaaaaaaay this thing and being too efficient will defeat this strategy.

I need to remind myself of my motto -- to have a "courageous heart and holy patience."

WH stopped by his parents this afternoon to pick up his mail.

FIL says very few words were exchanged. Said WH looked like a hollow man. Wouldn't even look in the face of his mom and dad. Commented on candy and gifts lying around. FIL said "The candy is from your wife. We had a party over here the other night for my 70th birthday."

FIL said WH said nothing. No "Happy Birthday" or even "Go to hell."

He should feel like such a fool to have forgotten his own father's birthday.

OK everyone -- join in -- WH doesn't care about his father or mother or wife or kids. HE ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF.

Hi HH, he really is deep in the fog, almost over the edge. How could he forget his father's birthday.

Makes no sense. Does he see the OW's family? WAS are very selfish and have only their own happiness first. Are you keeping a journal about H's lack of commitment to the kids? You can use in court if need be.

I am sorry for what you are going through. You are doing a great job with your kids. I am really trying also to make some type of happy home for me and D15 with noone around. take care.

Yep, keeping a journal. Day 46 and no visit. Which I think doesn't concern WH since he won't fight for custody anyway justifying it because the kids would NEVER want to live with him. And he wouldn't want the kids anyways because they would cramp his new "no family" lifestyle and "parenting" would get in the way of "partying."

The kids are old enough to choose and they are old enough to attack WH and OW. Thus, he chooses to avoid them instead of disappointing them. His loss.

Talked with T2L this evening. She say, and I agree, that you and I have a lot in common. We do need to talk.

Are you coming out to CA or are you reconsidering? I live a few hours away and can meet up with you guys either at T2L's or half way between.

Sorry you feel so alone where you live. I, on the other hand, have more support than I know what to do with. Everyone -- and I mean everyone -- is on my side and is not afraid to call me or talk with me when I get out. And I'm not very good at keeping this thing under wraps. I feel that I protected WH long enough and its time he deals with the consequences.

My fear is the D and settling of HUGE debt that resulted from the A and WH's new lifestyle. This will get messy.

Seriously, if you are still up and want to talk -- call me on my cell number. Either we can talk or you can continue to mop the kitchen floor. Oh -- wait --that's me -- I need to mop the floor. Then watch "Top Chef" on Bravo. I love that program. And it replays about 3 times, so I can keep it on during the night and, if I fall asleep, I just wake up and hope it's where I left off.

Seriously, I'll carry around my cell this evening so call if you feel like talking with someone.

Went to court today to file response to petition. Was informed that I needed to give copy to WH PRIOR to filing. So I needed another form saying that a third party either served papers to WH or dropped them in the mail. Crap.........

My plan was to file papers today -- Friday the 13th -- the day WH (aka Jason) butchers his W's heart and murders his children. Then have WH served tomorrow, on VD, the anniversary of the infamous Jerry Springer incident when I confronted WH at OW's house and the one time I saw OW.

Sis and BIL have volunteered to go back to the scene of the crime and serve WH. They want to knock on the door, say "Happy Valentine's Day" and hand him the papers saying "You got your messy divorce" since that's what WH said to me one year ago in front of OW's house.

So...we'll see if it works -- if WH and OW are even home tomorrow. My guess is that they will be out of town since Monday is a holiday or laying low at OW's house. WH was never a big fan of the restaurant crowds on VD -- but considering they're a couple now and WH has filed for D -- OW probably wants -- no, will DEMAND -- to go out in public. She wants everyone to notice her and him together. Barf, barf.

So we'll see what happens tomorrow!

Hey there!

I just wanted to pop in and say HI!

I told Hope I'd call her tomorrow on beloved single awareness day LOL. I'll try and give ya a call too.

I haven't caught up on your thread but I just wanted to say hi.

OK I did it. And you can 2x4 me all you want.

I guess I got inspired by T2L's second Plan B letter -- and it being Valentine's Day and all -- AND that today he's being served with my response to his D petition.

So.......I emailed WH a second PBL. OK -- I added some Valentine's sentiment. I do miss him and I told him that.

And, frankly, what do I have to lose? I'm in Plan B but Plan D is in progress. If I want to perserve ANY love for WH, I need to feel that love for him. And composing that letter reminded me of that love.

Sorry if that doesn't jive for some folks, but I felt the need today to remind WH that I love him and miss him and that there is still a path for him to come home despite the D starting.

Valentine's Day comes but once a year. I felt strongly about not letting this day do by without WH thinking of me just a little.

Hi HH, good for you. I gave the same on Thursday (official Plan letter) and made mention of Feb 14 and how he always gave me and our girls flowers and missing our family dinner. So what does he do -- send a text message to both girls -- Happy Valentine's day. I had a cr!ppy day yesterday -- read my sitch.

Good day to contact you. take care.

You sound incredibly strong these days.

How are the kids holding out.

Sis and BIL tried to deliver the D response tonight to WH at OW's house. Noone home. I checked credit card purchases and WH bought gas in another town two days ago. Likely means that WH and OW are out of town yet AGAIN.

Sooooooo......I still believe that Plan B is a vacation for WH. No responsiblities. No wife. No children. No parenting. No chores. No church. No worries. No one judging him. No money problems as long as there's a credit card. Just like Pleasure Island (from the Pinocchio movie).

Just the two of them in their own little world while I TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS AND THE HOUSE AND THE YARD AND THE MAIL AND THE SHOPPING AND THE DRIVING AND A JOB AND EVERYTHING ELSE...AND I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

CRAP -- I WANT A VACATION, TOO. A VACATION WITH MY HUSBAND. NOT WH BUT MY HUSBAND. BRING HIM BACK, GOD.

Am I bitter? He!! yes I'm bitter. It's freak'in Valentine's Day and they are together and I'm alone here on my computer crying.

NOT FAIR.

Hey, I'm so sorry for you. I think that Plan B is NOT about finding what WH does. I know this must be hard.

If it helps, WH is going to fall. Who will he be going to except you!

I know he will fall to. And it will be on God's time table, not mine.

And it may be after the D. I accept that.

I just have to remind myself that HE is missing out on the good things, too. Like seeing his kids go to the prom, or hearing that DS17 got accepted into a particular college, or that DD15 scored an awesome 3 pointer at her basketball game.

And even last night, Valentine's Day, I was surrounded by HIS family at dinner hosted by in-laws. WH has only OW. And knowing WH, he will get tired of spending time with just her. And the money will run out so the "sugar daddy" fantasy will also bust.

I'm not trying to think of what WH is up to. I just checked yesterday since the plan was to serve him papers on Valentine's Day -- the one-year anniversary of the big blowout at OW's house.

Back to dark Plan B. No expectations, no worries.

Thank God Valentine's Day is over and I don't have to see those sappy Kay Jewelry commericials anymore or be reminded of all the LOVE in the air. Barf.