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#2201169 01/28/09 07:10 AM
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funkman Offline OP
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Im 32 yr old man from nj, I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years and we have 2yr old twins together. This past summer she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she left me.
We sold our house and she moved back in with her parents.
In september she came to me and told me she made a mistake and that i was the love of her life and all she wanted was her family back,ect,ect.
So i ended up renting us a townhouse and we moved back in together. Things were great at first then slowly she started pulling away from me, less wanting to hold my hand , just less affection little by little. About 3 weeks ago it got to the point where she totally stopped giving me any kind of affection at all. Now she has this attitude of just total anger towards me.
Shes now telling me that shes not in love with me and she hates me . She is being really mean towards me and calling me names and telling me she hates me.
Everytime i try to talk to her and ask her why shes doing this or being like this she just tells me she cant get over all the problems that we have had over the last few years , and if i really loved her she wouldnt feel this way....
Thing is i do love her , so so much and i dont know what to do . i keep asking her to go to counsling with me, at first she agreed but now she will notgo.
Shes telling me shes going to move to florida with her parents and take the kids when her family moves sometime in the next 4-8 months.
Everyday i try to tell her how much i love her and beg her to go to counsling with me , but she just gets mean and tells me no. Does anyone have any advice on a new approach or what i can do.. thank you

Last edited by funkman; 01/28/09 07:11 AM.
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The tools are available free on this website. Read up on Lovebusters so that you can avoid them. Read up on emotional needs and try to identify what her primary needs are.
Also look up Plan A. Now is the time to make her fall in love with you again. It's not about getting your needs met, but meeting her needs to draw her back in love with you.
I'm sure there is alot of damage to recover from, but if you don't try, you will never know.
And know that she may not trust any changes she sees in you because she'll remember the bad, and it will take time to trust you again.

Get reading and working on it. Otherwise, you may be a distant dad.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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funkman Offline OP
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Yes, i am going to read up again on everything, Do you think i am making a mistake by asking her all the time to please stop acting like this and to please go to counsling with me?
Should i just stop asking and act like it doesnt amtter to me anymore?

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It sounds as if there has been an OM all along.

Ask her parents.

Time to snoop.

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funkman Offline OP
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When we were seperated over the summer for about 4 moths , she did date someone breifly but im pretty positive that situation is done for good, whether she met someone else , i do not know. i hope not , she has some issue with bi-polar and i hope that is what is acting up, i hope its not another man. i love her so much and will do anything to make it work.
I just dont know if i should back off with telling her how much i love her and asking her to get counsling with me,thoughts?

Last edited by funkman; 01/28/09 08:45 AM.
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If you don't want to lose your kids, then you should consult with an attorney right quick. She can't just up and take the kids out of the state if you don't roll over for it.

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Seabird is right about the attorney. You need to be proactive on this because there are steps you can take now to prevent her from being able to walk all over you. Also, these steps will make life without you look a lot less attractive.

Your fiance basically misunderstands the nature of romantic love. Since she doesn't feel in love with you, she assumes it is because YOU don't love her enough. Really, it's just that you aren't meeting her needs in the right way to generate that in love feeling.

Stop nagging her and begging her to go to counseling. What you need to do is demonstrate you can change. Read up on LoveBusters and Emotional Needs right away. Start by filling in the forms as if you were her. Then, build a plan to meet her needs better and eliminate all lovebusters, including annoying habits. These are the carrots. The attorney and the possibility that she'll have to move back in with her parents are the stick. Both are assets in trying to save the relationship.

What is the reason you two never got married? That may bear some investigating.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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funkman Offline OP
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Thank you for the responses, once we had the kids, we were going to take some time and wait until we had someo more money to get married.
then later we started to have diffrent issues and she would always say she wanted to wait until things were really good between us , then get married.
I dont think i would be able to stop her if she has a legit reason to move, such as her parents are going to have to support her and they are moving , and shes going to look for a job when she moves.
I think im just going to stop asking her to get help with me, the more i tell her i love her the more mean she is towards me and tells me that im lying.
I have been very loving to her and it was always on her end that the love seemed to be lacking, so maybe she hasnt been in love with me for a long time. I just hope i can get her to understand how much i care about her and how much i care about our family before its too late. Thanks everyone.

Last edited by funkman; 01/28/09 10:52 AM.
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Funkman,

The others are absolutely spot on about seeing attorney. She can go to Florida if she wants, but she doesn't have a right to take your kids away from you that easily. There is absoultely nothing wrong about you preventing her from hurting you and the kids, since she is threatening to do just that.

And are you absolutely sure that your loving her the way she needs to be loved? Just because you do the things that work on you, doesn't mean they make her feel loved. Like others said, read up on the material here.


Me 38
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DS 10,6
DD 4
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You also need to do some snooping to make sure there isn't another man.

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Originally Posted by dkd
She can go to Florida if she wants, but she doesn't have a right to take your kids away from you that easily.

This is absolutely spot-on.

It's one thing to be ignorant of your rights as a father, and to assume that when it comes to parenting, it's a Mom's World.

But now you can't say you didn't know. If she leaves with the kids and you did -nothing- to stop it... That, I have no patience for.

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funkman Offline OP
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Heres my question, if she has a legit reason to move, such as her support system i.e. her family is moving, wouldnt they grant her permission to leave anyway?
If she tells them she cant support herself here and needs to move with her family until she gets a job in florida, wouldnt they allow that?

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Not if you make a case for needing your kids to stay with/near you. Kids' well-being is more important to judges than adults'.

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Even if she does get a legal right to leave with the kids, she will still have to grant you some kind of visitation rights. If you don't do it now (and I don't know the laws that well), then it could be a lot hard to get custody rights in the future.

Plus, it shows that you have some kind of backbone in the matter.



note: I would also make sure that you make it legally impossible for her to leave the country with the kids without your consent. If her behavior is as irrational as it sounds, it's a worthwhile precaution.


Me 38
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Originally Posted by funkman
Heres my question, if she has a legit reason to move, such as her support system i.e. her family is moving, wouldnt they grant her permission to leave anyway?
If she tells them she cant support herself here and needs to move with her family until she gets a job in florida, wouldnt they allow that?

How are those reasons "legit"? Her need to live with her family does not trump your rights as a father and be with your kids. That you're prepared to just let it happen without even attempting to protect your rights, doesn't speak highly of you as a father.

This passivity you're displaying right now could be indicative of why she is looking to leave. If you're unwilling to protect yourself and your relationship with your children, how can you protect her as your wife?

Hard to love someone you can't respect. Hard to respect someone who's willing to see their kids taken away to another state.

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If your thinking that you're being mean or hurting her by not letting her go with the kids...maybe you are hurting her, but it's not your fault that she put you in that situation. Your not doing it to to hurt her (even if she tells you are), you are protecting yourself and probably your kids.

And Seabird is right, she may be mad at you for doing this, but she certainly won't respect or want to come back if you don't.

Don't learn this the hard way.


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funkman Offline OP
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Its not that i am being passive on this issue, i was married 9 years ago and i went through the same thing and the court told me she was the primary care giver and her reason for relocating was legit. although she ended up giving custody to me in the end and now my son from that marriage lives with me... i will def fight her in court when i know this is def going to happen... i guess what i want is to prevent her from leaving in the first place.
I want to keep our relationship together, i just dont know what i can do to get her to change her mind and try to work things out

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You can't get her to do anything. That's the wrong perspective. You CAN, however, make yourself into something that she won't want to leave. She still may choose to do so, but at least you'll know that you did the heavy lifting of becoming a better person.

You can't prevent her from leaving the state on her own. You CAN prevent her from taking the kids away - at least for now. Temp orders from the court can keep them in town, at least until the issue of the divorce is settled. I don't know how long divorces take in your area. Mine time period was about a year and we never set foot in court.

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Think about her skewed perspective on love. That her feelings are predicated on how she perceives your love for her.

Could she be an awkward communicator? Could she be trying to convey something more along the lines of:

"It hurts me and makes me resentful that even when I threaten to leave and take the kids, you're just going to stand there and watch it happen."

It doesn't matter how many time you SAY you love her. Your actions are how she'll judge you. If you aren't taking the actions she needs to see (not just what you think you should be doing), then she will continue to be unimpressed.

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Funkman,

Just a bit of advice here. I got the ILYNILWY speech and then my H needed to move out and "find" himself. He was gone a couple of weeks then came begging to move back in. I was indeed the love of his life, he made a huge mistake. Three weeks later things began to sour and then after being back for only 2 1/2 months, he left again. SOund familiar? Well, here is the thing....he had an OW in the background the ENTIRE time. I had no idea. I did not even find out about her until he had moved out for a good 2 months. In the meantime, he degraded me, blamed me, was cold and distant with me....see the similarities once again? They play by a script they dont even know they are following. It sounds like you GF has someone else. If you want her back, change your focus from her to YOU!

I became so desperate after he left that my begging to work on things just made the situation worse. He saw me as weak and needy. This is not the type of person that our WAS find attractive. See, on the inside they are very broken right now. They feel ugly and insecure. They NEED someone who they think of as worthy to adore them, that way they get to build their egos up. When we go to them wanting to fix the relationship, they dont see it for the beautiful thing that it is, it just feeds their contempt for us. My advice is to stop asking to work on things, act "as if" you life is wonderful and happy. Dont pay attention to her spew...it truely is the alien inside her talking right now. Try to do things that make her feel good, but in a way that doesnt look like you are trying.

For instance, if she always makes dinner, come home earlier from work one day, cook dinner, set the table and then sit down to eat. Dont say "Honey, look, I did something special for you, I made us dinner." Dont even acknowldge that you did this, just do it. It will make her wonder. Only talk about small things right now, not your relationship. ANY R talk will result in her feeling pressured by you and she will maintane that things are over between you. If you dont bring it up, you cant be hurt by it right now. Go out and get your self a life. Leave her at home some nights and dont tell her where you are going, you are just going out. This will help boost your confidence, help your relationships with your friends grow (and believe me if she does leave you WILL need them) and teach that life will be ok if you two dont make it. Try to always dress nice and above all, have a smile on your face whenever you are around her.

You GF is very sad on the inside. People are naturally drawn to strong, confindent, happy people. I know you are not feeling ANY of these things right now. Trust me, I have walked many a miles in your shoes, but still, this is what you need to do. I have read and read and read and read. I could have a Dr's degree by now I have read so much. THe more you try and push her into your relationship, the more she will pull away. If you let go of that energy, she will notice, become a bit confused, and then slowly try to push herself back into the R. THis is a plan for the begining, just a way to help you get healthier and in a better place, while allowing her the opportunity to see what she will be missing. But Funk, trust me, your sitch sounds like there is an OM in the picture. Snoop as much as you can while doing these things. If you do find one, do not react, come here and we can all help you get through that as well.

I will keep and eye on your thread and help you when ever I can. Go luck and remember.....YOU are the ONLY one that you can control, not her. So take that knowledge and try to live the best life possible while she spins out of control right now. By creating a stable life for yourself, you are giving her the opportunity to have a safe landing when she finally does fall. Good luck and Chin up!


Me - LBW 37
Him - WAH 37
Son 9
Married 18 years
Together 20
ILYNILWU - Aug 07
Moved out for 2 weeks Dec 07
Moved out again and still gone Mar 08
OW Bomb - May 08
He ask for D - July 08

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