For those who are trying to work on your marriage, what would you say or feel, if your spouse who is supposed to be working on your issues with you, chose NOT to ever read any info on anything pertaining to relationships/marriage? He doesn't want to educate himself on anything that has to do with relationships/marriages.

Let's say he never get books on, or searched/googled any info that might be beneficial to him seeing some things they need to do or that might help the relationship. Would that say you felt that your spouse didn't want to work on things? That they didn't care enough to want to even look into some of the info out there on marriages etc?

Ok, yes my husband and I are trying to work on our marriage, but before someone asks, this isn't about me and my situation. The reason I ask this question is, it happens to be a subject that was brought up by a friend of mine, and her marriage issues with her husband. I'm hoping to recruit her here! She has told me they are seeing a thearpist and some of the things, like books or articles that were suggested, she has read or looked into, tried to encourage her husband too do the same, but he wont. His response to her has been, "I will later". This has been going for along time not just within the past few weeks or anything. he has had plenty of time to look into these things that were suggested.

That "later" never comes she says. She has tried to stress the importance of it and he wont do it. If he is on the computer, instead of taking just a little time to look up articles that were suggested, he goes to his surfing websites, or Ebay or something other than anything to do with relationships/marriage.

So do you feel this might be a sign he's not interested in really trying to save his marriage? I would think he would be needing to pull out all the stops in trying to do whatever it takes, but maybe not.

Thoughts?

I think it's very obvious he isn't interested...

Other than MB, I haven't read any books about marital recovery. I read an article here or there online if it peaks my interest. I'm just not a book reader. My H is the same way. I'd rather talk to others and get feedback. Now if he's done absolutely nothing to work on the M then that's another story. You said he's going to counsel so he is doing "something." Is it enough? I don't know but I wouldn't base his efforts solely on not willing to read a book.

I pretty much agree, it certainly comes across that way.

The last thing she said she asked him was, (which was a few days ago) what is it going to take for you to want to work on the marriage?" His response was, "I don't know, but I just want to be left alone."

She said she took that as he didn't want to discuss the marriage anymore period. She said anything worth requiring some effort he wouldn't do. She also told me there was a time when his boss man thought he was falling down on the job and they told him he was going to have to step it up a bit, and he told his boss man he wouldn't bust his butt for no one for anything. She said that attitude shows in the marital relationship as well.

I don't know if he is just lazy or plainly doesn't care, maybe a little of both.

You're right he is in counseling at his wife's request which should count for something. I do not think she is seeing much of an improvement, although I'm sure it will take time. they started going back on October.

You're also right that he isn't much of a reader and she has said that as well. However, I guess she feels it might would say something to her at least, that he was trying or something. Websites were suggested to, and has never gone to those either. But he will read articles on body building or surfing, cars etc, but of course that is of interest to him as well.

She said he hasn't done much of anything the counselor has suggested either, so its not just really about him reading or not don't guess. I guess its more of a combination of things.

I seem to be the only woman saying this, but I think a lot of guys just are not into working on emotional/relationship things. I hear some guys here saying the same thing, and Dave Barry has written articles carricaturing (is that a word) the stereotype.

I don't think that means those guys are incapable to having good marriages. There's been too many marriages through the years that do work, and too many guys that don't like to talk about relationship things; some of those marriages must have been to Dave Barry-type guys.

MB describes how one spouse can lead the other back to intimacy. Sure it's easier if both are on board. But it's still possible even if just one spouse starts out trying. By eliminating LBs and meeting ENs, that spouse (say, the W) makes it where the other (say, the H) feels love for them again. Then the H is more motivated to do things for the W. The W also models the type of behavior that promotes a better marriage, like POJA; then the motivated H follows the W's example, once they feel safe to do so as a result of seeing the W truly protect their (H's) interests.

IMHO Steve Harley is good at counseling a spouse even if the other spouse is not on board. Maybe your friend would be willing to give him a call?