OK.....I know this is probably a really dumb question but I need some help and insight to writing up/discussing boundaries with my FWH. I have a really hard time putting into words what the boundaries are.

Can anyone give me some insight or point me in the right direction?
Thanks,
Jo

I always wonder if people who talk about boundaries really have them. Do you think they do?

I ask this sincerely, because I have never felt the need to talk about boundaries and I have very strong boundaries. My H has no doubt about them either.

Maybe it would work better if, instead of you writing down what your boundaries are for *him*, you each write down what your boundaries are for yourself?

That way instead of policing each other and trying to parent or control each other, you're working together to protect the marriage. Examples of healthy boundaries:

Never be alone with a person of the opposite gender.
Never say anything that you wouldn't want your spouse to hear.


Then you have to figure out how to enforce those boundaries. What do you do if a colleague of the opposite gender asks you if you'd like to grab a quick bite at lunch? What if a neighbor has car troubles and asks for a lift to the store? What if you're in your office and someone of the opposite gender comes in to discuss something?

How do you make your spouse feel safe that you're not hiding anything or saying something that would cause them distress? Offer to swap cellphones whenever they ask? Have full access to online phone records? Install a keylogger on the PC? Put a tracking GPS in the cars?

I think if you make it about protecting the marriage instead of policing each other you'll make more progress.

Mel,
Yes, I do. I believe that I've alwas had boundaries and H never has. In the past, pre-A, he never saw anything wrong with discussing our marriage with members of the opposite sex. No matter how many times I ask him not to.

He also would act sexual, tell sexual jokes, etc with members of the OS.

So post A, the answer is YES. I think we need to discuss boundaries and make sure, post-A on his part, that we each understand the others boundaries and what is and isn't appropriate for married people to be doing regardless of what those around you are doing.

To me, boundaries = respect.

that was my plan. In fact, I emailed him and told him that I wanted to talk about boundaries. That I wanted us both to write down what we thought were our boundaries then we could share and discuss what each of us thought.

I don't look at boundaries as policing. I do look at them as protecting my marriage for another OP. I look at them as things to use to respect not only each other but our marriage.

As I stated to MelodyLynn above, my H of close to 19 years has always (well right up until DDay) been too friendly with other women. He saw nothing wrong with flirting, telling sexual jokes, acting sexual with other women and the list goes on and on. No matter how any times I told him that it was wrong and very disrespectful to me and our marriage he continued to do it.

Well that has changed post DDay. I see tremendous changes in him and I want to make sure that we are on the same page, that he understands what boundaries are and what they mean to him, me and our relationship.