I originally posted this in the recovery thread under wifes post...but with the WW's continued lying this forum seems more appropriate (or maybe it should be in Just Found Out?)



Well I am here....lindz's BH. Why I am here, I am not sure. I have nothing left emotionally to give. I thought that we were working towards recovery together, but it feels like that is another lie. Her betrayal hurt bad enough, but the lying about details continues to hurt. She has been willing to claim in front of me and the MC that she has been 100% honest with me, and has the gall to be confused why we can't seem to get past her infidelity. The lying about details and her spending has driven a gaping wedge between us. Once again, she says that this time she is being completely honest and that I have to trust her.

At this point, the only recovery that I am looking for is from the anger, hurt, pain, and resentment. If that includes her, wonderful, but I will not accept her dishonesty any longer. It only drives me into a greater sense of turmoil and depression. If she wanted "us" to get through this, why keep lying about anything?

How can the hurt party try to make sense of the senselessness? She claims she wasn't even remotely attracted to him, yet I have seen pictures and have a tough time believing it. She claims that they never really talked...that she would sit there and watch TV and drink and never talk. She claims she didn't want what happened to happen, yet she went there every time he asked and the end result was the same. She claims that she knew at the end of February that she never wanted to see him again, yet continued calling him, answering his calls, texting back forth, and going to the gym where he worked until I found out. Did it really end if February like she says if she continued talking to him until April? She certainly had plenty of opportunities considering I was traveling for work, and when I finally started to be home more in March, she decided to move out of the house and get her own apartment.

I am certainly no saint. I had never been good at meeting her EN's. I would get angry and not talk to her for days sometimes. I failed as a husband in that regard. That changed immediately on February 23rd when she told me she was unhappy. She resents me because it took her staying overnight at a friends for me to open my eyes and understand how badly I was treating her. This while she continued her affair.

Any suggestions on how to cope with triggers? We are quickly approaching the 1 year mark of the PA. It still seems like yesterday.

So...there it is. I could ramble on for a lot longer, but I don't have the energy anymore?

Your 1st day of recovery is the last lie you uncovered, goldpig. Every lie you drag out puts you both back to day 1, which makes it worse every time. It gets harder and harder to recover the more lies you uncover. That is why it is so damn important to get all the truth out EARLY so you can work on the future. Can't very well work on the future when the skeletons in the closet keep calling you back.

So, really you are not very far into recovery. The way to recover from this is:

1. honesty
2. a plan to resolve the problem in the marriage that led to this
3. a plan to create romantic love in your marriage
4. strict boundaries that will ensure this doesn't happen again
5. TIME

I will post a link to a good, short article about what it will take. here

Just a suggestion, you might want to have your post moved to your own thread over on General Questions 11 so you each have your own threads. And it is not a good idea to post on each others threads. Just click on "notify" button at the bottom of the post and ask the mod to move it over there.

gp,

I suggested to your WW that given her history of continued dishonesty, she offer to sit for a polygraph for YOUR piece of mind. She made numerous EXCUSES for why she couldn't do this, which just screams that her ACTIONS still don't match her WORDS.

When I went through a similar experience, I'm sure that my WW got tired of hearing the same response ... "ACTIONS AND WORDS" ... to her repeated inconsistencies. That's the way it is with WW's ... it is just ingrained in them to lie first and to continue as long as they think it benefits them. You, as the BH, has to call them on it EVERY TIME.

Therefore, in your situation, I think I would INSIST on a polygraph as a condition of you even attempting to recover from your WW's actions, as it is quite obvious from her posts that she continues to hold certain facts close and remain dishonest in her claims to you.

If you are still interested in recovering the M, set the bar high. It's been almost a yr since Dday and you aren't much better off than you were last Feb.


Damage control. Having an A already makes a WS look sleazy. She doesn't want you to know just HOW sleazy her A was.

As for her pregnancy, how do you feel about that? How does the pregnancy influence your decision if your W doesn't step up to the plate?

Polygraph then paternity test.

Failure of either and kick her to the curb.

In fact, I'd go the curb route immediately. You're married only a year and she dropping her panties?

goldpig

It's normal for a WW to lie to protect you from further pain and her from the pain she will feel when she answers your questions.

A WW needs to have an environment to feel secure enough to tell the truth.

What your WW is starting to realize as most do is that a BH cannot heal as long as there are affair secrets left.

That without the truth most BH's will never be able to stop seeking the truth. This quest for the truth will keep the affair on your mind forever. Not knowing what happened will leave you with questions unanswered that will keep the affair in the pressent instead of fading into the past.

I glad that you and your WW have found MB. Your WW has gotten a ot of people willing to help her and so will you.

She seems sincere for the both of you to heal.

One day at a time is not a cliche here.

I am excited about having a child, just not excited about the timing. When we found about the pregnancy, I thought there was a renewed sense of commitment by both of us to do what it takes to recover and build a strong marriage. I realize that this was a one way street.

At this point, I don't think the pregnancy influences much. I am convinced that our child needs to grow up in a loving environment. That won't happen with WW's current behavior.

While the timing is not ideal it is good to hear that you are still excited about this baby. A baby will not improve the M if WW doesn't change her behavior. If anything a newborn adds stress to Ms so be aware that there will be new challenges that you'll have to deal with. Between the baby and WW's betrayal, you may feel overwhelmed, neglected, resentment, etc. When is the baby due?

Due May 18th.

You still have a few months to work a plan for recovery if that is what you want. Have you given any thought to what you expect or need from WW to get on the right track? Have you given her any deadlines for these expectations?

How is it your wife can afford her own apartment yet she claims poverty as a reason not to take a polygraph test?

Something smells fishy!

Here is why she won't poly....

Q: Did you stop seeing OM in February
A: Yes.....LIE

Q: Did you sleep with OM after February
A: No......LIE

Q: Could this baby be OM's
A: No......LIE

That's why she won't poly!

Really the only thing that I have asked for from day one is honesty. She still asks "why are the details important?" I believe that I need the details, and that I needed them from day one. She has been lying about them from day one.

The money thing is kind of a sore spot. She had never been honest about her spending and credit card debt. When I found out about the infidelity, I told her to move home if she wanted to work it out. That is when she finally came clean about her debt. She has made great improvements in fiscal responsibility, but obviously none when it comes to being honest.

Did WW spend a lot of money on the affair?

No...I don't believe so. She spent lots on clothes. Workout clothes and personal training (seperate trainer from the one she had an affair with). And at V-secret. Although she claims that those items were for me and he never saw them.

Hi, GP. I've been reading your W's thread and there are a few of us there who are trying to help her see the urgency in truthfully revealing everything that you want to know. It's on her. I recommended a few things to her and so am repeating myself here -- maybe she's shared with you and maybe you've already done these things...

You may be done, GP. But if you're not and want to try again, do your best to provide a safe environment for her. If after the first 5 words, your body language suggests utter disgust, she may stop. If you roll your eyes and call her dirty names, she'll shut down. If you scream in her face, fear will take over. I was terrified to tell my BH I had cheated on him. And I was even more horrified at having to admit what I had done -- the nasty, disgusting, disrespectful details. I prepared myself for my confession on D-day telling myself I would admit the absolute truth. That night, though, he was so upset, ranting, and raving that I lied about something to protect myself. I didn't know what was going to happen so I lied. Three days later he discovered my lie. He was furious but calm. My H made it possible by holding me, looking at me, nodding, wiping my tears, and reassuring me that there was nothing I could tell him that would hurt any more than what he had heard already. Even though I didn't believe that last part, at least he faked it well. A safe forum made all the difference. It was in this safe environment that I was able to expose myself completely.

Shortly after, there was one major detail I had withheld from my BH that for all I know, he would have never learned about, but I knew I had to tell him. I was trying to tell H but couldn't look at him and couldn't spit it out. He turned off the lights, sat next to me, held my hand, and assured me he was here for me. I spilled out my last ugly nugget. And my H helped me.

Suggestions that some have already voiced above:
* Write your questions down. Present them to her either verbally or in writing at an appropriate time -- not when she's driving or talking on the phone.
* Remind her what you were doing at specific times. Knowing what you were doing may remind her of the lie she had to tell to get around you then, which may remind her of what she was doing.
* Grab a calendar, cell phone records, credit card records, birthday cards, Blackberries, and any other fact-based documents and together look for coincidences and gaps.
* Let her tell you without having to look at you -- in a letter, an email, through a curtain, or in the dark.
* Thank her for trying. Encourage her by telling her it's what you need not so that you can punish her, but so that you can process this painful, unexplainable behavior.

Not sure if this will work, but the above helped me and I purged myself of all the big stuff within the first 5 days after D-day. Other stuff filtered in after the fact as my H or I thought of new questions or new info.

Also... Be sure you want to know the answers. As was suggested to me by another MB poster, on questions I didn't think H really would want to know the answers to, I would respond, "Are you sure you really want to know the answer?" This allowed H a moment to think about it. I've encouraged your W to use this technique as well. It's a stalling tactic not for her benefit, but for yours because once it's said, it can't go back into the dark.

I find: "Although she claims that those items were for me and he never saw them." Hard to swallow. Not because WW did not buy them form OM. I'll give her that. But how does a WW keep track of what bra and panties she bought and only wore for you.

It does not make sense.

If a WW is sleeping with the OM, is she really going to say I can't wear these bras and panties for the OM?

If your WW has been shopping at VS in the past then most likely she was buying for her self as she has always done. Buying things for her self that she felt made her look good. Looking good is what motivates women to select their wardrobe. Not about the BH or the OM. About herself.

Does WW still has any thing that she wore when with the OM?

It has helped many a BH to have WW give her BH these items to donate or throw out.

Also did WW use a family car. This cause enough triggers for the BS to have the car sold and replaced.

Purging physical reminders has been healing for many a BS on MB.

No, she has gotten rid of the clothes that she wore there and we have also replaced her vehicle.

goldpig

Has your WW answered any more of your questions?

Over the weekend we talked quite a bit, and she answered lots of questions. For the first time in quite a while, based on her emotions I felt that she was being honest with her answers. It was extremely difficult for both of us, but also very necessary.

The toughest thing is that she doesn't remember everything due in part to heavy drinking (the OM fed her plenty of strong cocktails and she would drink them). I am not sure if she will ever remember what she was thinking in certain situations. And I am not sure how I can move on without all the answers.

From the very beginning she has said that she never wanted what happened to happen. She says just wanted attention because I was physically gone for work for weeks at a time, and emotionally unavailable most of the time for many months (unfortunately I agree with this...I was a jerk). The combination had her depressed and drinking a lot. That being said, if she didn't want it to happen, the one question I ask repeatedly is "why didn't you say no?" She says she thought it but never verbalized it.