AOTC...

She was FISHING for CONTACT! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!

What if the toxic friend had said, "Yes, OM called me and he is dying to talk to you!" ??? Wanna bet she would have called him? I'm a FWW, AOTC...I'm just pointing out to you what I know based on my experience in that g u t t e r...

Please tell me that you are continuing to snoop, AOTC...Do you have a digital voice activated recorder in her car? A keylogger on the computer? A GPS installed in her car? You sure should! INSPECT WHAT YOU EXPECT, AOTC!

Mrs. W

P.S. OM was a LIAR? An infidel tells LIES? Surely you jest! No way!!! Shocking!!! (NOT!) (Sorry AOTC, but when you keep stating that over and over, it's just kinda funny...Newsflash: ALL ADULTERERS LIE! We get it! )

Anyone remember which thread it was where the WW hated the OM and went to his house to 'give him a piece of her mind' and ended up giving him a different piece of her anatomy?

Absolutely zero contact is required.

Whaaaaaa? LOL Sounds like a gem. :twobyfour:

AHOC, it is a huge step, but it is a HUGE STEP backwards. You told us:


It is clear your wife is still trying to make contact here. That ain't a step forward, that is a step backward. Once again, you are ignoring her ACTIONS and going by her words. That practice has failed you in the past and it is failing you now.

A step forward would be for her to STOP trying make contact with him. It doesn't matter a ratsass if she is forthcoming about her attempted contacts, that does not erase the DAMAGE done by those attempts. The only thing that will suffice is complete and total NO CONTACT. And I don't mean NC that is successful because she couldn't reach him. I mean when she STOPS TRYING to contact him. THAT is no contact.

Your optimism is unwarranted, AHOC, and is leading you - AGAIN - down the wrong path.

Call this post "In beero veritas." After a couple of drinks with co-workers after a very long, complicated, frustrating day, it's time to spew just a little bit.

What's been driving me crazy the past three months is the fact that my gut instincts have been unerringly wrong. We're not talking 180 out of whack. It's more like a 540, where I do a complete spin and find myself totally disoriented.

Every time I start feeling good about where things are heading the F?WW does something incredibly unpredictable and stupid and sends things back to square one. Every time I think that she's done something unpredictable and stupid, it's turned out to be demonstrably innocent and sane. It's enough to drive a guy to drink. (Na zdrovie!)

There is no sane reason to believe that the A isn't over. The OM is backpedaling with all his might, since if he doesn't smooth things over, he really will wind up living in that camper trailer that he's claimed to live in. (Still can't believe she bought that line. SHE can't believe she bought that line. I can't believe I bought anything that SOB claimed two years ago before all this crap started.)

There's nothing for her to go back to. She claims she has no feelings left for that piece of dog crap. Considering the B.S. he spun to her, and to the OMW, that should be enough to cauterize anything that's left over from the A.

But that's logic, and logic hasn't worked too well the past three months.

Many of you wonder how I can believe that she can get past all this so quickly. Time to fill you in on something I haven't mentioned in these threads.

Been there, done that.

Twenty years ago, I had to go out of town on a business trip. It was going to be two more weeks of work after I got back before I could take a week's vacation. She decided to take the kids home to see her Mom, and wait for me to fly the 850 miles to join 'em. Bad move.

After two weeks of being alone in the apartment, I went out and got 'faced. And you can guess what happened. Yup. ONS. When I woke up the next morning, I scuttled back to the apartment, and didn't open the drapes for a week. I sat there in the dark and contemplated what a POS I was. I violated my vows for a quick piece. So what if I was drunk? I knew better, and did it anyway.

I kept it secret for two decades. Telling her would have served no purpose. Every time I started thinking how great I was, I'd have a flashback, and that took care of that pride thing. I vowed to take it to my grave before telling her. I would rather live with the solitary pain than do anything that would hurt her.

I built barriers that would match Indy or Talladega. We're talking solid concrete rebar. Never, ever, would I put myself in a position that would allow me to succumb to my demonstrable weakness of character. And I haven't, despite opportunities. I hate doing things that I would despise myself for later on.

About three years later, I'd gone out for a drink with a co-worker. We wound up at an all-night fast-food joint to down a couple of sliders. A hottie sat next to me, ordered some french fries, and dipped them in my ketchup. I set a land speed record, literally running out of said fast-food joint. I told my wife about the incident the next day, and she laughed. She thought it was funny. Naturally -- she didn't know the backstory. I sure as hell wasn't going to tell her!

(FYI, when I reminded her of the story last week, she still found it funny. That bothers me.)

Now do you understand why I'm so inclined to give the F?WW a break? I have no halo. Lost it a long time ago. I get it.

Doesn't mean I still don't want to vomit every time I think about what she did. There's a difference between a ONS and what she did. But that difference is like the guy who had the conversation with the woman that ends up -- "We've established what you are. We're just negotiating a price."

I confessed to her the day after d-day. She needed to know. But that's not why I told her. I told her because I didn't want her to feel like a total piece of crap. Mister Perfect did something just like it, so she shouldn't hate herself too much.

I want her back. I want the her that I married, not some meek little thing that feels guilty about everything. (Just the one thing.) I don't want some woman who is eaten up with sorrow. Just someone who knows what never to do again, and how to avoid having the opportunity to be weak.

Dammit, if I can do, she can too. This is a woman that quit smoking cold turkey 18 years ago, and did it without me noticing for six weeks. (Yeah, I'm an idiot. We already knew that.) She has more backbone than I do. She's demonstrated that.

Anyone can lose their f'ing mind. Everyone is entitled to one mistake.

I just want us to survive this. That's all. That's not too much to ask for, is it?

WOW

Ahead of curve,

I think it may be a mistake to project your feelings, reactions and plans onto your wife. I think a ONS is very different from your wife's A. You did not have an emotional involvement and reacted appropriately with horror at what you had done. She has been very emotionally involved, does not really have much remorse, and does not seem to be highly committed to the M at this point. Apples and oranges.

AM

Hey, BK, gimme something better than a WOW, okay? How about a reaction... please?

"I just want us to survive this. That's all. That's not too much to ask for, is it?"

No.

Correct me if I am wrong BK, but I would say his 'WOW' is from the fact that you have not learned anything from what has been said to you.

I read your very long post and thought just that.

Armymama had good points BTW.

Here's my 2 cents, not that you give a [censored]
Just because you had a ONS does not mean that you understand what your WW is in.
You don't give her a break, she does not need someone to give her break.
She needs the husband you promised to be, you know the one to protect her and guide her when she makes mistakes.
You are prolonging this whole thing by not listening to any advice being given, and you certainly are not helping your WW.

Bye

Vittoria:

What I meant by giving her a break is by not just calling it quits when she told me of the A. What my stupidity did was give me a little dose of humility.

And please keep giving advice. Please. I damn well know I need it, or else I wouldn't be here.

Okay then.

Start at the beginning of your thread and read only what others have posted. Ignore your own posts since they will only reinforce what you think.
Your thinking is what needs to be changed first before you can help your WW.

Does that make sense to you?

Vittoria:

Just did what you suggested. Yeah, I get it.

First....anyone have a recommendation on a keylogger? If there's a good freeware one that would help out a lot. Money's beyond tight right now.

I started looking at the BoostMobile phones two days ago and started pricing 'em and looking into what it will take to get that started as well.

And I've started looking into what it would take to do a poly. The cash will be a major issue, but since I can't sleep at night for more than four hours at a time, this is something I'll be doing sooner than later.

Gad, I just want to vomit.

Are you telling me that you had a ONS in THIS marriage and have never told your wife?

blazingtools.com is where I downloaded mine from. $40.00 US. Easy to use. Mac version available.

I know, explains a lot of fog on both sides.

A mixture of all that actually.

Your wife has just discovered you tore her heart out 20 years ago.

Just WOW.

I'll have to think some more on this.

Except to say, you should NOT expect your wife to have the same path as you had.

AHOC, what was your wife's reaction to the ONS when you told her?

I agree with the others that it is a mistake to judge her affair by yours. They are like night and day. Hers is an emotional entanglement and she is clearly addicted. Yours had none of those traits. Not to mention that you both have entirely different personalities.

Not to mention his WIFE has just found out the last 20 YEARS (20 friggin YEARS) was a sham and a LIE!!