Stellakat, JL and BCB

Had some devastating news last night from home (UK). My youngest brother (39rs old) collapsed and died after not feeling well for a week. I have no idea how to begin to get to grips with this.

Thank you for what you have written - it speaks to me a lot and I will take the time and chew it over - I'm just all over the place right now.

I am so sorry! Take care of yourself.

Nowis,

I am so sorry to hear this news. Things like this shouldn't happen to such a young man. Take good care of yourself and focus on what needs to be done to acknowledge and accomodate this loss within your immediate and extended family.

Again, you have my condolences.

God Bless,

JL

I am so sorry !
You and your family are in my prayers.

Nowis, I'm so sorry to hear that. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Nowis

Please accept my deepest sympathies regarding the loss of your brother. When I hear things like this it makes one realize how fragile life can be and that we should not take our loved ones for granted. I am sorry for your loss.

May God comfort you in your time of grief

Nowis, I am so very sorry! If you need anything, let us know!

Thank you all for your kind words and wishes.

Just an update. We are still awaiting the results of the postmortem to find out the cause of death. I spoke to my Mum today and apparently she was told the results would not be back until this Friday. So as soon as they are back and the death certificate issued, we will head back to the UK.

It's surreal. That's all I can say. Apart from my mother-in-law dying of Alzheimers over a number of years, no-one in my immediate family has died. Being thousands of miles away too is bizarre as all my family is together, even including my dad. Ah well, I guess it is what it is.

My H told me this morning that I have closed down. I feel it - can't do anything about it though. I think, like it has been mentioned before, that it is my coping mechanism. I'm not even aware of doing it. I asked him not to get fed up of me and leave - oh boy! Anyway, not sure what else to do right now.

Nowis, I'm so sorry. I don't think that your H will leave you because you are mourning your brother's passing. Try to stay in today, okay? I can imagine how hard that is. Has your H or another close friend or relative lost a close family member before? Sometimes, hearing how loved ones have worked through these huge losses can help you feel like this is a natural part of life. My H was devastated when his mother passed, but talked to my dad and other family, and it helped him in his process.

Thanks Ears

I know it was a ridiculous thing to say but I just felt it. He told me he's not going anywhere. My H's mother died about 10 years ago and my best friend in the UK her father died about 8 years ago. So we have talked and the main thing she says is that I should grieve any way I want to. The important thing is to let it out.

Hi Nowis
Where do we learn to process grief. I know I never did learn but I am in the process of learning. Perhaps all you need to do is focus on what you are feeling for a moment. Identify that feeling and share it with your H. Perhaps just like "I feel incredibly numb right now and I don't know what to do about it" Perhaps all your H needs is to get the feeling you are not shutting him out. I interpret his response to you as a positive. I see it as he sees where you are at but does not know how to make you feel better so he is sending out a probe.

You are in a hard spot. And this may be a time to take a risk and share with your husband what you are going through. If you don't know how you feel tell him that. The opposite of love is indifference not anger. He may be looking for a sign he is not loosing you.

Try to think about how you would grieve if you were with your family. This may be a gift for you as you do have family with you, your H. Allow him to be a man for you, allow him to hold you and comfort you. This is an opportunity for the two of you. He may not know what to do to comfort you, be vulnerable and let him in. Easy to say I know, but what have you got to loose, you are hurting, the worst that can happen is he will try to comfort you. And you may be hurting enough to receive it. Try to rest in his arms for a bit and see if he can carry you through. You have a habit of retreating to the safety of isolation, but that is because you are afraid of being hurt. It may be hard but try to trust him.

God Bless you and your family.

BCB

Your post is very timely. I am having difficulty in expressing how I feel. I'm off to see the Psych this afternoon. I can't articulate what I'm feeling. I feel a tremendous amount of anger inside which I think comes from frustration and an inability to let stuff out. I'm aware enough to know that it is all just going into the blockage that sits in me.

We haven't gone home yet. The postmortem is still happening. I talk to my mother a couple of times a day. It is what it is.



I'm doing exactly this. I don't know why. My children are a huge source of comfort though and everything is 'light' when they are around.

So, I've not long got back from visiting the Psychologist/Therapist.

I told her about the blockage that I feel in my chest. I told her about the increasing anger I feel. I do feel much of it comes from frustration. I told her about the death of my brother. We talked about his death, my family, marriage and my feelings.

Basically, she feels that my long-lived-with feelings of blockage (blockage is frustration causing anger) come from being in a marriage with a someone I don't truly love............! These feelings were present before my brother's death and are now emphasized because I don't know why he died (more frustration). Added to this is grief. The frustration and anger are because I am not where I want to be and am unhappy. I haven't moved forward any.

I am back to my two choices. Stay in the marriage or leave. I should be leaving or making moves to leave because I am just going round in circles.

She asked me what I had thought I had learned from the last 3 years. I honestly didn't know how to answer. What had I learned? She said that probably I learned that this marriage is not for me and my feelings have not changed.

WELL.......flummoxed. What did I really expect?! Not quite that.

We then went on to talk about how to deal with death/grief by journalling and letting my feelings come out. My mother has basically told me not to cry - "pull yourself together and be strong". I automatically have but know this is not healthy so will journal. She also told me to collect my memories of him, remember him and honor his life. That was good to hear and I will honor his life.

So my H just called me on the way home from the office. He has spoken to some guy who runs a group at the local church for depressed people. He has given him a brief run down on 'us' and thought it would be good for me to go.

Why am I so ticked off about it?

Would you have been ticked off if he had said that HE was going to go, not you?

Well, we BOTH went to the group. It was okay and quite a number of people there. We were left with the exercise of doing one positive thing this week - one thing we could work on; take an exercise class, walk the dog, listen and not speak.

Not sure if I'll go back. Will see. H was happy I went.

OK so I know one needs to respect ones parents but in this case do not take her advice. Please cry. Please let that grief out.

OK so you are angry but there is a lot of other crap attached to that anger. Anger is just a big bucket for unresolved emotions. Take rejection for example, try fear, try self hatred.

Sorry but I do not buy the psycologists assesment even if she does have a degree. There is more unresolved stuff in you from your childhood that needs a resolution. You have never dealt with the resolution of the rejection of your father, and your mother telling you not to trust men. Good grief that alone is enough to keep a person busy.

OK so I am going to blow my cover right now because I cannot take it any longer. I am in the process of dealing with a lot of the unresolved issues in my life as well, from my early years.

There is only so much that can be accomplished through counselling. Modern day counsellng deals mainly with the issues in the head, not so much with the issues of the heart. That is why addressing these issues spiritually is just as important today as it has been through history.

Yes I admit it. I do believe in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that there is power to heal broken people, relationships etc.. through Him. Reason and rationale are good, I prefer dealing in this area myself, but it has become abundantly clear to me that it can only take me so far. There is great hope in Christ. He is the great healer, and there is power in prayer.

I know it is not politically correct these days to espouse such things but you know what, thats too bad because if we do not avail ourselves of that wonderful fullness of life that is available to us in Him then we are missing out. I know I missed out for years thinking I could do it on my own. Well I can't. I need Jesus in my life and I am thankful for the healing work he has already accomplished. I am on my way to freedom and a new life like I have never known before and I am loving every minute of it.

I know in my heart that is the way to health and happiness. So I can only wish the best for you. As it says in the scripture seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you. Yes I believe it works. At least it has for me. And I can only hope that you will be able to find the comfort and joy that God has intended for you.

God Bless you Nowis and good luck on your search for peace

Nowis,

I haven't really known what to say to you. I think BCB said it well. I agree with him on the direction you should take, but also about your counselor.

To lay all of your problems at your H's feet, and claim the issue is you never loved him seems to me...ODD!

Why?

Let me ask you this. Why did you marry you did not love? Most people would not do this.

Why do you have trouble doing something simple like simply asking him to hug and hold you why you cried your eyes out for your brother? Even friends do this for one another and you state repeatedly your H has always been your good friend.

Why are you constantly struggling with this "blockage" within you? You had it before your H, and you will have it if you leave him.

Why has your H hung in there with you?
I think I know the answer and I KNOW BCB knows. He was the right man for the job, he has known it although I am sure he has doubts now. You knew and know it that is why you married him.

He is not your problem. You are just seeing your problem most intensely through your marriage, which is supposed to be the most intense relation you have. Notice you get some joy from your children. They are not associated with your past family.

Please consider a new counselor. But, let me offer you somethig else. Please, please consider what BCB has told you. I think prayer, contemplation, and turning to your faith and what you believe will lead you out of this.

I know you are down, very down at the loss of your brother. He was way too young, but YOU carry him with you. Even your children will as they remember stories of you and your brother growing up, when they have seen him. He is and will alway be part of your family.

You are battling to break free. I sincerely believe it is not your H you need to break free of, but the shackles of the past.

God Bless,

JL

Amen JL AMEN

Nowis
I have been learning and I encourage you that most often prior to a breakthrough there will be a storm or a crisis. This crisis is important as it allows us to get to the end of ourselves.

You have said you understand that phrase "Let go and Let God" it is easy to say, harder to do. You are getting to the end, your frustration is a good thing it is driving you to the end.

I want to agree with JL it is not your husband. Do not give up on the person who loves you. Just because you can't see it right now does not mean it is not true. You are stuck in a state of confusion, and God is not the author of confusion.

So when you are ready ask God for direction. Ask God for help and keep asking until you get an answer. I can honestly tell you it works. I have been cynical and skeptical all my life, and I am experiencing an amazing breakthrough. All I can say is it is real and God does answer prayers.

You can spend a lot of time and money visiting counsellors and they have their place, but until you encounter the Great Counsellor Jesus, you will only find partial solutions. You need healing in your spirit. We are made up of three components, body, mind, and spirit. In our society we are adept at looking after our mind and our body but we have lost touch with our spirit.

I am praying for you Nowis. Seek Him with all your heart and all your strength, be persistent. God wants to pour out His love and fill that void in your heart. The depression you feel is only a side effect of the hurt and rejection you experienced. God is healing me from this and He can do the same for you.

BCB

This has helped me out. I was able to tell my H how I honestly felt today.

Yeah, am so over myself.


Maybe the 'door to God' is one I am reluctant to open. You see, sitting there in this anxiety/depression group last night, at this church; open with prayer, close with prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, I realized how rejecting of God that I am. How irritated I am with it all. You see I expected more from God but feel He didn't really show up. If I trust Him will He not show up like I felt He didn't before. What is it that causes us to believe in the intangible? Now BCB, I am not arguing, I do believe in the spiritual, I'm just playing devil's advocate and saying what I feel. Just want to spew it out there. I don't want to put one more bit of effort into never, never land.

My mother is fretting right now that if my brother took his own life, or just gave up living that he is most certainly in Hell and the 'scriptures' tell us that. What the ?!*?
I don't like that. I don't like that kind of God.

So, my thinking probably needs cleaning up about all that. It is beyond my thinking though, after all these years. It is my experiences that are living in me.


Maybe I will get to where you are one day and have a spiritual rebirth. I would like to be able to have peace with that one way or the other. Peace would be really, really good.