What do you do when someone just gives up trying? Its been 10 months since my H found out about my A and we have been working on recovery pretty good since. I have done everything I can to show him I am not that same person and I am open and honest with him. I have changed my e-mail, phone number, and any other online activities I used to have. I have answered any questions he has honestly and I dont get upset when he asks me things. I call him when I leave work, during my lunch break, whenever I go anywhere, come home, etc. I call him while he is at work too to check in with him. I have just recently found this site and I have been reading about meeting his ENs and not having any LBs. The only thing is it is one sided now. Two weeks ago H told me he isnt "in love" with me anymore. He still loves me and wants me to be happy, he just cant get past what happened. I know this isnt something that just goes away, and I dont expect it to. I want to rebuild his trust in me and show him that I am the wife he married. I know I cant make him feel for me what I want him to, but it seems he has just given up.

We have had some talks about what is in store for us, he wants a separation and I am ok with this because I know he needs time alone. At the same time after reading things from this site and a few books I ordered from here, I know he needs to see that I am committed, honest, and in love with him 100%. How can I show him if he doest want it? Should I just back off and let him be?

Tonight I was feeling really down about our future and was bored. I started looking at sites we have visited online and came across one I havent looked at--google of all things. When I clicked on it I saw that he created an email account with them. I clicked on it and it opened (no PW was required). I felt bad for snooping, but I did it anyway. Well I found a conversation he had with a female friend of his that wasnt so innocent. It didnt say anything about them being together, but it was serious flirting--how would your dad feel about you dating someone like me, type talking. He called her sweetie and baby girl, which are names he NEVER calls other females. I got a bit jealous over what I saw. I called his mom and asked her if she knew this girl and she didnt. I told her I was going to talk to him about her when he got home. Not 10 min after getting off the phone with her H called me. His mom had called him and told him why I was so upset tonight. He explained that there was nothing goign on and that they were just friends. I do believe him (I know I should be cautious with this, but I do).

As of right now we are trying to be separated while living in the same house. Partially because I want him here, and partially because he feels he needs to be here for me. This is an especially tough time for me because I am 8 1/2 months pregnant and im very emotional right now. I am trying to be strong and not let my emotions get the best of me, but I cant help myself every now and then. I am really confused and need some advice.

Is this baby his?

You don't have those type of conversations with women when married. There is DEFINITELY something going on!

Even before you mentioned the email I was going to ask if he was having an affair.

You need to confront him about that. Will he come here to MB? Is this woman geographically accessible?

Is the child his?

He should come to MB for help.

Yes the baby is his and we both planned it. We are both very excited about having her, but unfortunately bad timing on our part... It isnt her fault and we both agreed that no matter what happens she will be loved and know both her parents.

As far as the OW, she lives about 8 hours away from us. H told me she is friends with a few of his friends too, and im not sure of the type of friend she is to them.

I want to believe him when he says there is nothing going on, and I feel ashamed for even accussing him because of what I did. It is just too ironic to me. If his feelings have changed and she is someone he wants to be with or have fun with, I dont want to stop him...though I want him to want me again. I just think I hurt him too bad.

Last night after I posted this H and I had a talk. He asked me if i had read my book yet (Surviving an Affair). I told him yes and that it really seemed to have some good words of wisdom and insights as to what we can do to help us. I told him that if he wanted to read it, it might help him too. Before when I mentioned anything about this site or books or things that we can do to help, he said he didnt want anything to do with it. That he needed alone time to think. He still says he needs alone time, but maybe the book idea might be working. I still dont think he will come here to talk to anyone. Anything is possible though.

I still feel lost. I know I should be thankful that he has tried to work on us at least. He didnt have to after he found out. I know he loves me and wants the best for me, but he isnt sure he is what I need.

I'm thinking along the same lines as bk...

You guys can't work on YOUR relationship if he's working on one with SOMEONE ELSE.

Not the way it works, regardless of your past. I'll let the vets weigh in, but isn't there some warning about increased susceptibility/temptation for BS's to have an A of their own following D-day?

If you guys have any hope, the focus needs to be on each of you being the one to meet the other's ENs, 15h+ of undivided attention/time together for that, etc. Are you familiar with the concepts Dr. Harley teaches on this site? (You'll also find them in your SAA book.)

Re: the past -- your H has been thrown a curveball in the worst way possible, and you yourself are trying to come to terms with being the WS. Both of you have had your worlds rocked, and not in a good way. Who knows where things will end up, but it won't be a smooth ride. Good luck.

The problem I am trying to come to terms with is that H doesnt want to work on us right now. He says we tried and he cant get past thinking about what happened. I have read alot of things on this site, and im currently reading "Fall in Love, Stay in Love". I know about the 15 hours of time together and meeting ENs and not doing LBs. I have no problems with using these tools to help our relationship. The problem lies with H. He isnt ready to work on us again. His feelings are that he tried and it didnt work, now he has to really consider if I am what he wants for the rest of his life. He told me that this decision is bigger than trying to work past the A because this is the "life" decision. What ever he decides is going to be for life basically. At least that is what I heard when he explained it to me. I know I am the one who created this problem and I should only be lucky that he even considered trying to work this out with me. I just have had a wonderful year (10 months) with him and thought things were going great for us. We have worked through a really tough time and have had some really good times since. This is a big curve ball for me, I had no idea he felt this way still.

Do you know what he meant by this? How did he try? Was it after the affair was discovered? BTW, how was the affair discovered?

The A was discovered my the OM emailing my H. I had tried to keep it a secret and didnt do a very good job of it. I regret this now. I was given plenty of opportunities to come clean and I kept lieing. That has all changed now, I do not keep anything from him.

As far as how has he tried, after he found out we went to MC and tried to work that way. Alot of things were discussed and H felt that I needed to show him I was being honest and that this M was where I wanted to be and for it to work. He felt that I betrayed him and needed to do the work to bring us back together. I took on this responsibility and severed all contact, changed anything that the OM could contact me by. I started calling H when I was at work, leaving work, going anywhere, coming home, while he was at work, etc. I called him all the time and I still do. I stopped going online, that was my temptation (I met the OM playing an online game). I started showing H more affection, talking more, not interrupting him, showing him I was interested in him. All this and I never found this site. I see now alot of the things I did are expressed here as ways to rebuild a M. H also communicated more, started realizing things I needed and helped me with them (holding my hand wile we were out). Our SF life was great too. Then I got pregnant and alot of things changed. MC was put on the back burner, we both felt that it wasnt a priority anymore. Unfortunately I am one of the few women that do not get a bigger SF drive....H was good through all of this and hasnt complained, he understands.

He is at a point now that all the work we have done hasnt made him forget and he still has nightmares. He feels this will never go away. I have had other people tell me here that this is typical and that recovery takes time (at least 2 years). I can tell him everything about what I read, but I cant change his mind or make him come here to read it for himself. The longer we go, the better I am coping with the idea that we might end up in a D. He is hurting very badly and I wish I could make it all right. I hate myself for what I have done to him and our M. I am not giving up on showing him I do love him and that I do want us to be together. Sometimes I feel like I am making some headway. I feel like maybe he will come around and look for help, but he isnt there yet and may never get there. I just want to be able to say I have done everything I could to show him how truely sorry I am and that this will NEVER happen again.

I guess this is where my confusion comes from. I know he loves me and if he could get a better hold on the nightmares and flashbacks he would want to stay M. On the other hand he isnt ready to continue to work with me on our M. He feels "fate" will decide if we are turely meant to be together. And on top of all this he has found a new friend that im not too happy about.

So did you end it with OM and he emailed your H as revenge? Or did OM end it and you wouldn't leave it alone so he emailed your husband?

I'm not trying to be mean here. There is a point I'm trying to make.

If you were the dumpee (OM dumped you) is it possible that your H feels like he is second choice? That you only came back to him because you were outed?


Did you keep lying after he found out?

It DOES take awhile (some say two years or more) to recover from the betrayal of an affair, and some people just can't do it. It's their line in the sand.

I have to wonder too though, if your husband's "new friend" is influencing his thoughts just a little.

As sad as this sounds, I was trying to distance myself from the OM and then just not contact him ever again. I didnt want to keep the A going, but I didnt know how to end it with out H finding out. I had quit contacting the OM for a few days then H recieved the email telling him things "he should know" as the OM put it. H left a note for me for when I got home and not long after came home to confront me about it. He showed me the email and I couldnt deny anything. I came clean on a few things that day. H emailed the OM and asked him a few questions which he answered truthfully. Again I was confronted by my H and I came clean. By this time I didnt have anything to lose so I let it all out, nothing hidden. The Om sent 1 more email I believe and after that communication ended. My H feels that if the Om hadnt contacted him he would have never known, and that is right. I am ashamed for trying to cover the A up and I should have been the one to come clean first. I have apologized for this too.

As far as me coming back only after I was found out, that is not the case. For a majority of the A i had been out of town taking care of my grandparents as I told H. That wasnt my only motive for leaving though. I was in an EA with the OM at the time and we had discussed meeting in person. The OM happens to live in the same state as my grandparents, though not close to where they live. I had decided that it was time for me to return home a few months before the A was discovered. I was trying to get out of it, but I was scared of discovery. After I came home H and I started reconnecting, but with the OM in the back ground it was still a difficult time for us. I had decided before I came home that I wanted to work on my M and be with my H. I know this is not a great decission considering I was still contacting the OM. I regret so many mistakes that could have made things easier--mainly even participating in the A.

I havent lied to H about anything since he found out. That was one of the things I told him I was going to do--be 100% honest. Any questions he has still, I will answer honestly and with out trying to change the topic. I am not a lying person anymore.

I do realize it is his choice to stay or not. I guess I am fooling myself thinking that things will change.

As far as the "friend" he has, im not sure what is being said between them. She has come out of a battered marriage and is dating someone. H says they are friends and that they talk about each other's realationships and help each other with them. Im not sure how to take this. I want to believe him that she is strictly a friend and nothing more, but it is difficult when I see things he doesnt do towards other women with her, ie. calling her sweetie and babygirl, etc. I dont feel like I can ask him to show me his cell phone or email because we are trying a separation right now. And if ultimately he wants out of the M then I really dont feel it is my right.

Your BH is having a RA. Whether EA, PA does not matter.

Ask him to come here.

Try giving the Harleys a call on your own if BH won't call with you.

I agree! It'd be great if you could get him here before he gets too far entrenched with this woman!

You just accept it as 100% your fault as a result of your choice to commit adultery.

PSC,

This is from your first post(in Recovery):

At this point you cannot trust what he is saying. He is in an EA at least. He is NOT JUST FRIENDS with her. Unfortunately it's probably in response to your A. And it will be extremely complicated to R your M, but it is doable. Problem is he has every right to D because of your A. But he didn't want to in the beginning, only after he started his own A. Do you see how entwined this is getting?

Your WH will NOT want talk to you about your M and he will not want to work on your M as long as he is with the OW even if it is just through emails. He's getting a fix and feeling good and he doesn't want to go back to the pain he felt as a result of your A.

Nothing is going to get better as far as your R goes until he goes NC with OW and that's going to be tough.

Is there ANY way you can call Dr Harley? You really arre going to need his expert advice on this.

Psc, given that you're nearly full-term in your pregnancy, I think that has to be your main focus right now, for the sake of the baby. It's hard enough to cope with late pregnancy and birth at the best of times, never mind the complication of dealing with marital collapse.

Is your husband planning to be around to help you with the birth and the early days? Personally, I think he has responsibilities to support his pregnant wife at such a sensitive time. Infidelity is a deal-breaker for any marriage, but if your husband was party to planning the conception of a baby, in my opinion he's not free to decide now that he wants out.

How old are you both?

TA

Thank you for your responses.

To answer some questions, H is going to be around for the birth and to help me afterwards. He has said he wants to be in our daughter's life and not be a "sometimes" dad. As of right now, he isnt spending much time here at the house, that is hard for me but I understand he doesnt want to be around me. He feels bad because every time he looks at me he sees saddness. I try not to be too emotional around him, and I am trying really hard to be strong because I am pregnant.

As far as our ages, I am 31 and H is about to be 30 in a few months.

I am going to try to see about calling Dr. Harley. It is something I have thought about, and if not him then our MC that we had gone to before. I had asked H if he would go back to MC with me, but he didnt think we needed to go together. He said if he decided to go again it would be alone.

MC will not help you while he is having an A. You'd be wasting money. Dr Harley would help you with A PLAN. The Harleys know how to handle your situation. Most MCs don't have a clue.