so, we've had a bit of emotional distancing for a few months, I asked what's up ... she confessed to having developed feelings for a co-worker - I didn't catch her or anything ... she told me straight up, also is adamant that it's not physical and I believe her. But ... she's hasn't decided to leave ... she's not sure what to do - weighing the consequences of her decisions I guess. I love her deeply and have told her that I'm all-in ... anything necessary to save us - any advice on how to treat her, cope, live, survive while she decides what to do? I know the obvious "make deposits in her love bank" but HOW?

she "loves" me, but is "in love" with him. He makes her feel loved, I used to make her feel that way, but not anymore.
(2 kids in the picture, married 12 years)

Help!

Welcome to MB.

Two things:

1. Read up on Plan A. That's what you should be practicing at the moment.

2. If your W is having an EA with a co-worker, NC has to be established, which means that one of them will have to leave the job. Exposure might likely be the best tool here to accomplish that.

how does exposure demonstrate thoughtful, non-vindictive care and understanding? Should I activate plan A for a while before exposing to see if meeting her ENs and avoiding LB is enough to turn things around? Unless I'm completely naive and blind this A is not yet full blown - I'm hoping that she told me so that I could step up and help her find her way back.

Please clarify this exposure thing for me ... seems like it would just backfire ... seem manipulative and controlling.

still hoping, thanks.

If this is only an EA why wait for it to become a PA before you expose?

You are new here and fear and lack of experience has not given you the knowledge to see how effective and necessary exposure is to end an affair.

Expose WW's parents and siblings, and OMW. Do this without warning the WW.

No contact, NC is also needes to kill this affair. There must be NC. There can not be NC if WW and the OM are allowed to work for the same company.

This is why you must expose at work in addition to the others.

Expose to the CEO, HR director, and the board of directors.
Do not bother with just the immediate supervisor. They tend to bury things that can cause them problems or make themselves look bad. The IS could even be the OM's buddy. Or waiting for this affair to end. For he is a preditor himself wanting an opportunity to be OM2. In his mind your WW has shown the potential to be easy.

Exposure will make things unpleasant at work at the least. At best get the OM fired. Send a message to other OM in waiting at work to stay clear of this WW because she has a BH that will not lay down and be walked over.

thanks to "the road" and "man in motion" ... I certainly hear what you are saying about exposure ... this is all very new ... I didn't catch WW, she told me straight up about her EA with OM. She's weighing the consequences of the decision she's facing ... what would happen if she decided to pursue this EA to it's full extent, ie leaving me for him. I see the merit of exposure - it will likely eliminate that option, or force it to happen if my exposing the A pisses her off badly enough.

I'm hoping that she decides to end it before it goes any further, we are talking, and she's not denying or hiding - just wants time to decide - paralyzed by the consequences because there's pain either way.

More thoughts?

Waiting to see when she decides it the wrong thing to do. You need to out this to everyone. Like it was suggested. Especially the OMW. Let her work on him. Also parents and kids. She will be angry. You must stay calm. Tell her that you appreciate her honesty and candor. But the fact is [/b]SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU![b] No she doesn't get to make this decision in a vacuum. You may have let things slide. That is a reason for MC not cheating.**edit** Read it. You will see taking the passive course is the absolutely wrong way to handle this.

hopefulg,
I fully understand the feelings you have of not wanting to make your W mad. I had them myself. I didn't want to do anything that would upset her. Consequently, I didn't do all I could have to end her A immediately. And guess what? I'm kicking myself for it now.
Here are a few thoughts...

1. There really isn't a decision for her to make. She's married to you.

2. Don't count on OM to just sit there doing nothing while she's fence sitting. (get what I mean?)

3. Plan A has a carrot and stick approach. Meet her EN's, but don't put up with any guff either.

Listen to the people on this board. They won't steer you wrong.

Hupefulg You have been given good advice. I wish I had this advice when I was in your situation. Good Luck

Do not be convinced that she has not had sex with him. I have seen it before where a wife will ease her husband into the acceptance of an affair by saying it is only EA, when it has already gone PA. Has your sex life slowed significantly or stopped completely. If it has there is a 90% chance that she has or is having sex with him. This is sick. But what happens is she slows or stops having sex with her husband, because she does not want to cheat on the man she is having an affair with. You must be tough and proactive, if you want to save your marriage.

I would ask her what she thinks her long-term chances are with a man who thinks so little of marriage that he would go after a married woman?

Then I would add, how the effect of exposure at work, family and ultimately the kids would add to the chance of a long-term relationship with this scumbag?? Does she think the kids will embrace this guy who helped break up their family??

I would then make it very clear that you will fight for your marriage and will show no mercy!!!

thanks all ... I really appreciate your willingness to jump into this with me. Thankfully, I am a novice at this stuff. With WW not yet having made a decision to bail, my biggest fear is doing anything to push her away. I see where you are all coming from with exposure though. Makes sense, scary as hell.

Yes it is scary. But you have to what is right, not what you feel. She has stuck her toe in the water by telling you. She is looking over her shoulder and saying I'm going to go further in. You cannot control her. You can only control what you do. This will turn physical if it hasn't yet. You must expose this now. She needs to feel other pressures besides you. Parents, friends, family. It is not whether she is leaving you, its whether you are kicking her out. You are the offended party. The next step (if it hasn't happened yet) is her and him having sex. She was testing you to see if you would let her get away with it. You need to draw a line in the sand. Stay calm and tell her that she will cease all communications with OM. You say she is paralyzed with fear. Don't be angry. But do what Flynn suggests. You give her word pictures of just how horrible it will be in the way the children and her family will look at her. Tell her she will be sacrificing her other relationships in her life for this one.

You have given no information on the OM. What do you know about him. That is an avenue of attack. You must get the equipment suggested. You need all the intelligence you can get, to fight this war.

om is 12 years older, sensitive, sentimental, romantic (all the things that I've not done well in 12 years of marriage) ... living unhappily with his girlfriend. sends my wife emails on the weekend when they are not seeing each other at work. Don't know anything about his extended family. Has indicated to her that he's willing to leave his current situation if she'll come along.
I don't think the OM's girlfriend knows what's up.

hopeful, have you exposed the affair to everyone, especially the OM's GF? Exposure is ruinous to affairs and that has to be the first step if you want to save your marriage. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger over exposure; it can't survive an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping this secret is only enabling her affair while it becomes more and more entrenched.

Did you want to save your marriage?

Again listen to the voices here. Melody is right. You need to find this girl friend. You need to expose this. She will control him. Which allows you to deal with your wife. She needs to find another job asap. In fact if you need to out her to her employer. It would be better that she be unemployed then leaving you for him. Either way you would be financially effect. But one way, you still have your wife.

Hopefulg,
Welcome to Marriage Builders.
Look at what you posted about OM. This is all fog talk from your wayward wife--except his age. He is wooing a married woman behind his live-in's back. How is he possibly sensitive, sentimental, romantic??? He is an operator, a player...looking for his next conquest.

You really can't sit back and let a wayward who is under the influence of affair addiction steer the ship. You can't let her "decide" while you sit back and simply Plan A and wait. This makes you look weak and passive, almost like you are merely a distanced friend of your wayward wife. You are her husband. Let her know that you are not going to sit back and let her destroy your family. What do you mean you have not been sensitive, sentimental and romantic during your 12 year marriage?? You two are MARRIED, you have children together. Does this player want to marry her and take your children along with your wife? What are his intentions?

You need to get a different frame of mind and then start taking some action--action that has been stated in earlier posts: get your plan together and implement it: exposure plan, Plan A including the carrot and the stick of plan A.

Keep posting, people here can help you.

Are you comfortable allowing another man to be your replacement?


Listen - you may need to have a face to face talk with OM and ask the question - what is your intention with my wife and family? In reality this guy ought to be afraid of a BH. Make it so.

You must make the necessary changes to make the marriage more attractive than the fantasy of the affair and you must do this long term and right a way.

My sons who were 16 and 22 at about the same time in my situation paid a visit to the OM before I got my act together and asked the very same question. OM dropped the WW within days.

Again the other posters here are asking you to "man up" and fight for your marriage. Your fear of her leaving must take the back seat to your righteous anger, and your desire to effect a change in your wife's behavior.

thanks to all of you for your encouragement, I know that you are right. I'm meeting with a counselor tomorrow to get some confirmation on the exposure, It's not that I don't trust you all, believe me ... I'm just scared.

She's taking off for a week to go stay with a close mutual friend - yes, I'm sure she's not taking off to be with him - these friends have been close to us for years and went through exactly the same scenario a couple years ago. She's agreed not to have any contact with OM during the next week while she sorts out her feelings.

If she has not decided to end the A with OM by the time she returns I will expose (perhaps before then) and will move on to plan B.

I think that I'll confront OM and expose to OM girlfriend right away.

thanks again ... I need the encouragement. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

Dont wait. Expose now. The exposure might keep it from flairing back up later.