I become private and start lying when "I lost my kids in court"

having fun with her and her 8 yr old daughter, bonding as a family

I guess this is not the forum!

This is my story!

I had the most beautiful and amazing relationship I ever had in my entire life! I never fall in love like this in my whole life! and because of my experiences in the past 4 years, I become a very private and shield person and didn’t let anyone to get close to my heart for 2 reasons, One because I didn’t want to feel abuse and the 2nd because I didn’t want to tell anything about my past, and if I tell anyone about my past I thought they will not accept me. I never had an affair before, Always been loyal and faithful! The big thing in my life and when I become private and start lying when "I lost my kids in court" with a unfaithful ex wife!...I lie since that date, all the time about my life, about what happened! just for the past 4 years. I find out myself that I was wrong!

The relationship with my significant other started in an amazing way, she is so beautiful and Intelligent woman with great qualities, we bond so fast since the beginning, She was able to open herself to me and told me everything about her past, Me I couldn’t do it yet! (Just told her few pieces), our relationship continue growing, and the bond and the love from each other continue to growth in a solid way, we seeing each other pretty much every day, brought her flowers every week, having fun with her and her 8 yr old daughter, bonding as a family, while the relationship was growing and continue in the right path, I gave her all my attention, and help her in anything that I can. And I completely fall in love with her (I never love anyone like this), and also knowing that she trust me, had two more opportunities to tell her about my past and I told her almost everything! And felt so much relief! Nothing happens! She completely accepted me with my bad decisions and mistakes I made in the past.

Then I rented my house and move in with her and her daughter that was an amazing experience, we live like a family and act as a family too. Always I helped her around the house, cleaning, doing laundry, fixing things, buying groceries, and paying rent…etc. anything that would make her happy I always do it. Because I know I ‘am deeply in love with her. Also we had plans to go to Vegas for Valentines to formalize our engagement, last December I went to a jewelry designer to have made her ring, so I can give it to her at some special moment on Valentines weekend. Also this June our plan was to buy our first home together.

Well, 2 horrible things happened and I violated the trust that she had on me. Is Completely my fault and I take complete responsibility! More than a year, before I met my significant other, I met a woman, saw her 2-3 times, she lives in Chicago, I live in Dallas and she said when she met me, that she would like to be with me, (she is a married person), told her that she needs to stayed with her ex, she harassed me for a least 3 or 4 months sent me emails, never respond to them, well last year she email me again, and I respond just a hi, then I asked her if her father still selling some properties, then just like that she told me that she loves me, believe me, I continue her game, We spoke 2 times, I never exchange emails with her, she told me that she will come to Texas to visit her father, and she would like to see me, I told her oh ok, I knew inside of myself that I will not do that, I will not see her, because I didn’t want to, because of my love and loyalty to my significant other. I was playing! Sorry shame on me. The second thing happened the same day when my significant other found an email for a person that I met a year and half ago! Saw her 2 times in my life! Before I got into my relationship! This woman said in her email wants me and wants to marry me and who knows what, I play the game with her one time and never do it again.

I told my significant other to call the first woman (the one in Chicago) and asked her when the last time she saw me was? And I’m sure she told her the same thing over a year before I got together with my significant other. Everything after that 2 times, it was really a game, Shame on me! I was so stupid!
For the second woman, I sent her an email to don’t bother me again and I blocked her email address and never heard from her again. Well those two things happened the same day January 14-2009.

My significant other broke up with me, she asked me to leave the house, I picked up few things and leave, Now I’m living in a hotel, and of course I become very emotional, acting very desperate, I beg her so many times for a second chance, email her, text messages, calling her, you named it.. everything! I apologize and told her sorry so many times! She told me that she don’t want me in her world anymore. At that time I didn’t understand what I did, I become after few days later rational and I see what I did to her and our relationship! I destroy the trust that she had on me one time. Because of my stupid games and bad behavior! Now I am here and she is there, both not longer together! I know was never physical affair, was a game, but yes was an emotional affair, can be seen it by her and for others as an emotional affair! I know today how much damage I created, I completely regretted!

Of course, I can’t stop thinking of her, because I love her so much! I continue asking myself if she loves me? Does she is thinking of me? If she miss me? Everyday at all times! I went for help and some guidance to the pastor of my church; I’m in this board because I was recommended by someone who is very familiar with this forum.

I don’t beg her, call her, right know, I’m giving her some space, and I’m asking myself questions? Where do I go from here? How can I rebuild the trust that I had before, and make it stronger? Should I call her? Should I email her or txt? Should I wait for her to call me? Does she still angry? How does she feel? How long is going to be before she call me and tell me that she miss me? I have fears that she will not comeback! I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, and I can’t focus! Looking and waiting in front of my cell phone for her call! What is the process that she is living right now? Valentines is around the corner, we supposed to be engage on valentines, what should I do, send flowers? Call her? That I have to apologize again? I am completely afraid! I am so sorry for what I did to her and our relationship! WHAT DO I NEED TO DO IN ORDER FOR SHE TO GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE AND REBUILD THE TRUST THAT I BROKE?

I guess this is not the forum!

and also knowing that she trust me, had two more opportunities to tell her about my past and I told her almost everything! And felt so much relief! Nothing happens! She completely accepted me with my bad decisions and mistakes I made in the past.

Sorry for not to be clear! I lost my kids and after 1 year I saw them, they left the country for a year! I see my kids 2-3 times every week, since 3 yrs ago! I love them with my whole life!