Could you show me that?

Like I said, I'm dense. Ask anyone here. If it's me being sarcastic or disdainful, show me where, because I am unable to see it. If it's someone else, still show me.

Yes, I am that dense.

So because of one conversation this morning, you no longer will shut down? In one morning, you no longer feel that you'll never get your needs met? You'll never go to sleep not speaking? He no longer will get upset with you for not letting him have his own thoughts? You'll no longer take it personally when he wants to come home and carry on his routine?

All solved in one morning?

Um...ok. Good luck.

But cat...


...they're special.

Pinky, I feel offended. I took my time to post to you, yesterday and today. I didn't hear you acknowledge my posts in either instance. I'd still appreciate a reply.

This? Was completely uncalled for.

I did respond. We did discuss the DJ'ing and LB'ing and negotiated to find a solution we both agreed enthusiastically about.

As for everyone saying "wow. Good luck with that":

I would be an idiot to assume that one conversation would solve all our problems. But we made some great progress and the next time it comes up, it will be easier to refer to that conversation and use the tools instead of blowing up and letting it get out of hand.

As for the OCD-

No, we are not currently planning to have him treated. His is mild enough that, while it does affect our lives, it is something he can learn to adjust in his thought patterns, SHOULD HE CHOOSE TO.

I agree. My H and I had a bad argument last night and the last thing I could see us doing was stopping, breaking out the MB concepts and calmly negotiating to POJA. Not that it can't, or shouldn't be done. In a perfect world, that's what would happen. But it sure ain't happenin' here, so if you have any words of wisdom, Pinky, please share.

BTW, I wanted to reiterate my thoughts that, based on what you posted here, it sounds as though your husband may have OCD tendencies. I'm not a behavorial specialist and I make no claim to diagnosis. But I also saw an issue with his insistence on adherence to schedule causing you some anxiety and wanted to run my opinion up the flagpole again.

I think that in this way, my Hs tendency toward logic and routine helps him to put emotion aside and recognize the need to use negotiation instead of allowing things to get heightened. I'm not saying we always do this, otherwise I would have never posted in the first place. But to his credit, he does make that call a good portion of the time.

As for his OCD, I agree. It definitely fits his behaviors. We both recognize it and he readily admits to having those tendencies. A good night is when he can see how it is affecting the discussion/argument and he can turn it off long enough to make progress.

That's great that he can do that, but based on your earlier posts, he rarely, if ever, does. And he does NOT often enough that you are suffering more than you are enjoying. What is being done to change that aspect?

I would agree that lately, the majority of the time he doesn't do it. As time goes on, I think we get less mindful of the PoJA and other concepts, especially when things are going well. It's only when there is an issue that we (people in general) recognize the need and return to what works.

Now that he's reminded there is a problem, he can make an effort to look at the situation with the concepts in mind, and respond accordingly.

With other issues brought to the surface during negotiation, I can work on things that cause him frustration as well. I also learned that once the emotions start to run high, it's probably best to delay negotiating until I have had a chance to calm down and think rationally.

I'm not claiming that we had an epiphany and our marriage is forever changed. It would be ridiculous to assume that the problems are now permanently solved. It's a work in progress, like any marriage.