WEll time for a new thread, he is not coming home and I can't make him, he has given up his home and marriage and 3 sons to be alone.
What I have learned about myself is that because of his affair 10 years ago, I always knew he was capable of leaving.
I am one of those thick headed people who believe marriage is a lifetime commitment and that when things get bad they will get better. If you are not connecting you will find each other again.
I know now that I let him down. I couldn't listen to what he needed because I was so affraid it wasn't me.
Even in our great years i would ask for reasuurance and more love than he had in his heart.
If he wanted to talk I always knew he was going to leave and so he finally did.
I pushed him away with my fears and my inability to be a strong women.
To the world I am strong and happy and inside I was always alittle afraid.
I am not sure who I am anymore and he says the same about himself.
I do know that I love him and I regret that I wasn't a better listener for him
He claims that he hasn't contacted her in the almost 2 weeks since he moved out, but I don't know if that is true or not.
I will try to live aeach day as it comes and pray that someday this pain will stop.
I hate that my boys are so mad at him and I pray they find a way to forgive him for wanting his own life away from us.

True. You have to let go and let God. It is hard but you can do it.



Also true. But don't beat yourself up about this. You did not hold a gun to his head and beg him to have an affair.



Yep. Me too. There are ups and downs in marriage and you made vows to that effect, too. When things are down keep slogging away and they'll get better.



Maybe you did let him down, but you did NOT go out and have an affair!! Don't blame yourself.



So? Still no reason for him to have an affair. He could have talked to you about what was bothering him and gone to MC with you instead of having an affair.



Not sure what you mean by this statement. Do you mean that you when you had relationship talks in the past that he expressed that he wanted to leave?



No. He is your husband and he was supposed to stay by your side and alleviate your fears. In this sentence you show your low self-esteem again, which is understandable right now after such a big blow.



You put on a happy-face and try to make the best of things, even in a bad situation. That is a good thing. Staying positive. And almost all of us are always a little afraid. Nothing wrong with that, you just can't let it overcome you.



That's because you have been married a long time, wrapped up in him and are "Mrs. BrownEyes." This is why it's important to start doing things for YOU. Get out of the house, take dancing lessons. Take up a sport. Volunteer. Do something that will help build your self-esteem.



Okay, you love him. Don't beat yourself about the head with your regrets, though. No need for you to feel sorry for him.



Right. Don't believe what comes out of a wayward's mouth.



Good deal. Take it one day at a time. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but one day you will realize you didn't think "one day at a time" when you woke up in the morning and you are living again instead of just existing.



They might forgive him and they might not. This was one of the hardest things for me because my stepkids had ALREADY gone through this when they were little Munchkins. I felt SO AWFUL for them. After a while, though, I realized it was out of my control. They would forgive him or not. As it is now, they don't see their father much and all three are still upset with the whole thing and coping. But my stepdaughter doesn't associate with her father AT ALL.

You reap what you sow...and this is the result of HIS actions.

Keep on Rockin' and Rollin',

Charlotte

I know what you say is true, but is so hard to even imagine being happy again.
Today I went to the movies with my sister and my great niece, it was nice, but really sad as me and wh used to go to the movies alot.
Tommorrow I go back to work and hopefully that will take my mind off things for a while.

I couldn't imagine this either. It happened though. One day I woke up and I was happy. And then I woke up again one morning and I was happy again and then there was one time when I woke up for a solid week and I was happy. And then there were still the sad days, but now, those are so far as few between and they aren't even days, they are moments.

Why and how do we become happy and survive? Through very hard work, through patience and guidance and understanding that there is a bigger picture here, that G-d is seeking you to have a relationship with you and that you are perfect just as you are for HIM.

The timing is different for everyone, the pain is just as intense for me, Dancing, Believer, Hope, and so many others, but like us, you will move through this. And one day, you will be happy and you will be called upon to help someone that comes after you and can't believe they will survive.

And better yet, you will look into your heart and soul and understand that you TRULY recognize that place, but that you are NO LONGER THERE and you realize, that you are HAPPY ONE DAY.

Blessings to you Brown... You are doing great. Have a wonderful day at work tomorrow. Occupying your mind can only help.

browneyes,
sorry to hear of your sadness...I too am dealing with a WH and just finally got him to admit to an affair. It's so painful. I can understand how the hurt lasted for so long for you. This is the most deceitful thing a spouse can do to you. I know for me its the most anyone's ever hurt me, so don't beat yourself up for how you felt for 10 years after the affair. I think it's only natural after such a traumatic thing.

You need to build yourself back. I will assume that you are the giver in the relationship. Start giving to yourself. Focus on feeding your soul and keep trying to tell yourself that you are strong. I say this whenever I get the opportunity and you know what its working. I do feel stronger today than I have in years.

Another thing I know I am starting is to really take care of me. I will continue to work out and get in better shape than I've been in years....say damn it to him and look at what you could potentially throw away. I will go out and get a new wardrobe and look DAMN sexy! This I already did and spent good money, I realize this isn't the most constructive therapy, but it sure felt good! I will get my hair done and just take care of me. Feel good about yourself from the inside out and it will show. Be strong. Sometimes by spacing ourselves from others they will want to come back. I found this when my father (parents divorced) caste me aside when I was in my 20's. You know when I stopped chasing him and stopped caring as much and moved on a bit, taking care of me, you know what, after time, he came around....
Stay strong....best wishes and here's a hug from me to you! It's so good to have others here who understand what you're going through!

Okay Sunday morning and I am getting ready to go back to work, it will be hard, but I can do this.
Everyone I work with loves me, but most thought I had a strong marriage and was very happy, I will not talk about that for awhile so I can get through this.
I work in the produce department at Safeway so I will be busy and surrounded by people all day.
My wh called my sons last night to see if they wanted to be with him today and they all said no thank you, he then said "I miss you guys so much it hurts".
Well it was his choice., as much as I miss him I would rather have my sons.
When I got up this morning I got to turn on all the lights in my bedroom instead of srumbling around in the dark so as not to disturb him. that was nice.
Okay wish me luck here I go.

Browneyes,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Some really good suggestions have been made here. You need to focus on you. There are some really good books out there that can help you get through this and find the joy that lies within you. Put aside the blame and guilt you feel and get into you. One of my favorite books is Sarah Ban Breahnach's "Simple Abundance." There's also "Lit From Within." These books will help you start feeling more positive about yourself and provide daily affirmations that will get you through the days ahead. Sarah's book was written after her D. One more note - remind yourself that your WH is still your son's dad and they have to work out their relationship. You're not ready for it now but there will come a time where you and your sons will need to forgive. Forgiveness is not about forgiving the other person for the hurt they caused - it's about releasing you from the anger and guilt your carry that is keeping you bonded to the person. Maybe this won't make sense to you now but one day it will.

G

browneyes, which one of you has character and integrity?

That's all I want to know.

Cool! I always love being in the produce section; it's my favorite food, and it's like an adventure to go in there and see what's what.

Well here I am probably for the last time, it hurts to know that so many of you have had the strength to fight for your marriage and that I have now decided to let him go.
WE had to talk last night about money, he is not paing bills and its a little scary so I will talk to my lawyer.
A couple of days ago I thought I talked to my husband, the one who loves me, he called and said he was lonely and confussed and that the last 2 weeks have been hard and sad and that he missed us, not ready to come home, but thinking hard about it and wanting that to be his choice.
He said 2 weeks isn't a long time and he still needed to think about his life and where ist was taking him.
Well It gave me hope and he said superbowl sunday would be so hard without his boys and could he come see them while I was at work.
I tried not to put much hope in this, but while at work my thoughts went home and I prayed again that he would look at what he was giving up and maybe it would help.
In stead he came, told the boys about his great place and took more things out of our home to make his more a home.
All 3 of my boys were sad when he left and the mother bear in me came out.
I told him he needs to leave us alone.
I told him that he is selfish and that he has just given up the best that life had for him.
I no longer want him in my life I will not listen anymore to what I have done wrong or what is wrong with me.
In the begginning I offered to do whatever it took to help him come home, but tnow I realize that that is not a healthy choice for me.
I will miss him, maybe forever, but I will have a life without himstarting today.
I fell asleep okay and I woke up without crying and I know I will be a great mom and someday grama and he will be sorry for his choices.
One thing that bothers me is he says he has been depressed for about a year.
Thats about when he started talking to her, but his mom sister and nephew all suffer from depression.
I asked him to please get help from a doctor so that one day he can be strong again for my boys if they want him in their lives.
He invited them all to his place and they all said no way this is your home we wno;t go there, so I suggested to him maybe he should ask them to golf or go out to eat so they can be together in a non threating way.
Thanks everyone for all the help, some of it has been hard to hear, but I am no longer trying to save my marriage so good bye

I'm so sorry it has come to this but I think everyone here will respect your right to make the decision to end your marriage. But you know, you don't have to go away. Recovery is not ALWAYS a recovered marriage. Sometimes, it's personal recovery. Whether you believe it or not, there are still a lot of things yet to come emotionally for you. However, I understand if it's too painful for you to come here.

Best of luck.

Dear pm,
I went back and read all about your story and I have to say you certasinly deserve a happy ending.
I just can't hurt forever while he finds himself and hear all about how bad our marriage was and the long list of my faults.
After talking to my kids and then him last night it hit me like a hammer to the head, that he is sick and he won't get help and he will continue to hurt anyone who will allow it.
I don't believe I am a bad person or weak like he says, he says I am always unhappy about something, well aren't we all and besides I just went through menopause.
What if something really bad had happened to me and then he left and I didn't have the strenght to fend for myself and my boys?
It is weird to realize that I dont know the man I have slept next to for 25 years.
It is sad that he choose to hurt all of us this way instead of asking for help with his depression or talks about his needs.
He said last night, hey it's only been 2 weeks, and I said no it has been 2 whole weeks.
I will check in because I care, and maybe I can help someone who feels like I did , but sadly my story is over.

I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you're protecting yourself.

One more thought, well, two. One, tell your lawyer what he has removed from the house - he will owe you for that.

Two, get a locksmith in to change the locks and get a new security code if you have a security system. Sorry to say so, but you have to protect your family now.

well he came by last night to have me sign a paper for the refinance, my lawyer says it is a smart idea because of his credit card debt.
He acted like I was someone he barely knew, he sat there and acted like we were strangers.
I had a good day yesterday, no crying very strong, went out and got alot done.
After he left I was okay for about 2 hours and then I fell apart.
What the heck is going on with me, again i didn't sleep and all night I had dreams where he said it's over get over it.
Maybe he is still having an affair, because I don't even know him.
He said wow I am glad you finally seem to get it, You just couldn't make me happy. I am not saying you didn't try, but I don't believe in marriage anymore.
Why would someone give their happiness to someone else.

BrownEyes,

I think he's treating you like a stranger because if he did anything else, he would have to own up to who he is and what he's done. He needs you to be the enemy so he doesn't have to deal with himself. It is much less about you and more about him.

BE

At this point, you have to tell yourself that whether he's having an affair is not the issue. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. Who knows? The issue is that he is not willing to work on things sooooo, you have to hold your head up and live your life.

Your story is not ending--it is just the beginning. When you get to the point of indifference you will learn to live again. Remember, your life is about YOU and your children of course.

Keep getting support on this website--it is a wealth of knowledge and genuine support.

It is much easier to follow your story though if you keep to the same thread as others have suggested.

Think about you and think about your kids...keep your chin up!!