So, STBXH is gone. Actually he's been gone more than a week as I let him know he was no longer welcome here after the AO @DS/9. As of Friday most of his stuff is also gone. Yes, when this all came to be in mid-Jan I was freaking out & wishing we could "just get thru it" but honestly, now, I'm relieved. A new and strange but very welcome sense of peace has become me. I'm glad to have my house and my life back to ME. My goal in life is to single-handedly raise my kids to be decent, moral, confident, well adjusted, honest and compassionate productive adults. Although, I acknowledge it takes a village.

So far STBXH & I are agreeing on most things. We've decided on a fair amount for CS, we're splitting profit on things that are being sold, life is good.

He's upset that DS/9 is only going to spend every-other weekend with him but isn't fighting it. This is what DS asked for & I'm going with it, for now at least, as a week night would be difficult anyway w/STBXH's unpredictable work schedule & my & the kids' crazy week-night schedule. Come summer, I'll probably institute a weeknight as well.

He's very upset that DD/12 won't do weekends with him. Also says she only takes some of his calls and dodges questions. He says I should have told DD she IS going to STBXH's this weekend whether she likes it or not. Says I let her make an adult decision. Not really knowing what to say, and not wanting to put DD/12 in the middle OR put words in her mouth, I simply said I'm not willing to discuss w/him.

He's playing the victim and it sickens me - she's 12, she's watched him walk out the door so many times over the years that she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, she's got no biological tie to him, I don't know what the argument really is. I don't want either of them to have regret or animosity toward me in years to come. Then again, I am not the glue that holds them together.

"Did you tell her I'm a drunk and a drug addict? Nobody held a gun to my head, I raised her as my own her whole life and I deserve an explanation as to why she won't see me" I told him that I've told her only truth in an age-appropriate manner and that this is not an isolated incident so he shouldn't be surprised at her hurt. "Well that's not fair, she doesn't have all the facts and nobody has any proof that I've had any alcohol since I've left...but this is what I do"

Anyway, life is good. I'm not sure how I'll handle the issues w/DD. Part of me wants to let it lie but the other part feels a need to do something, somewhat for fear of him calling to persuade/pressure her.

OH - and I've not been served D papers. He did pay for something, I still get emails, and I checked it yesterday out of curiosity. He hasn't completed the online profile. Shall I go in, complete it, and make myself the petitioner/plaintiff? I can, and maybe I should, as this ball is not rolling...

Nothing? Touchy subject? Tough crowd? Super Bowl got ya down?

Sounds good.

You could go in and finish the papers. That gives you an advantage in case something happens and things aren't so agreeable between the two of you.

Great tagline!! ITA!!!

Charlotte

I think so, yes.

Good for you for standing up for DD12!

Doesn't he realize that if she is FORCED to visit, that's just going to make her dislike him even more?

Thank you for your support!

I don't know...will she hate him/me if I say, "we're going to try it" or something of the like? Or will she tell me someday, in her twenties, that she wishes I would have been more insistent? After all, boundaries are my real, true weakness. It's a tough call.

I vote you don't allow her to be around him because you know he is so manipulative. He tries to make her feel guilty and that is a terrible position to put her in. She has been through so much. ugh!

Are you doing ok?

I think she will hate you if you force her to go. And she will also resent it if you place the responsibility for that decision ON HER, a child. Then she will feel guilty. That is why I think you need to take the decision making responsibility OFF HER and just say, "nope, you aren't going to visit. I don't think its in your best interest and I am the BENOVOLENT DICTATOR of this kingdom. You may speak to him if you wish but if he tries to make you feel bad, I want to know about it because that will spell the end of that!"

Julie - congrats on protecting your children - it's tough to not second guess yourself.

I recommend you read a book called "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend - the same guys who wrote "Boundaries".

Then decide how to handle your daughter's refusal to be around her dad.

Mel, thanks for asking. I'm doing GREAT! Really, peace has become me. I can't explain it but there is peace in my house, peace in my heart and mind. All that I need I have. All is well. I'm prepared for the ups & downs but am embracing the happy NOW.

KA, thanks for the book recommendation. I love to get into a book when I've got questions/moral dilemmas.

FYI, she's not refusing to see him. She's unclear. Wants to, doesn't want to. I fear that once again it might have more to do with MOM - don't wanna hurt mom's feelings. Or, want to give him consequences just like mom is. She's really been forced into such an adult role since the separation last year. I love that she looks at things logically but it's so hard to make sure she remains a KID thru it all!

Where did this change (in you) come from?
any ideas?

Hey barbiecat,

Well, I guess I don't have my finger on it but...ya gotta figure, it's been 12 years and not much at all has changed. I changed - I got confident & started to understand why I am the way I am, then I regressed. STBXH changed, he'd quit drinking for certain months at a time, but probably never really thought it'd last - and it didn't. So, nothing's changed. I'm 31 so there is PLENTY of time to actually start living, but I guess it just hit me (?) that I won't do that if I keep going thru the same crap. It's insane. Literally. Sure there are times I'm sad or I miss this or that...but it was all a sham, really. STBXH & I both come from TERRIBLE examples as far as how to be married/meet EN/be loving, affectionate, productive, trustworthy, confident, successfully married people! STBXH is an alcoholic who doesn't think he's an alcoholic. And I am a co-dependent who often forgets she's a co-dependent!

So I figure, in this life, I'm going to get back to ME. And if I marry again, or become involved in a relationship, I really ought to give some thought to finding somebody who can fix ME instead of the other way around!

I think I am picking the next one!!

I understand about you not wanting someone who needs fixing...

But why does someone need to fix you? I'm thinking the only one who can fix you... is you.

Just a thought.

You're so sweet.

LOL

We'll do a group interview. You, me, Holly, DD12 of course, the dogs and cats...

Yea, I won't be dating.

You are dead on, Amazin. I was j/k. I've been in a good mood lately - lotsa jokin'

Truly, my priority is my kids. ME and my kids. I think I'm going to get a puppy too. Why!?!? BECAUSE I CAN!!!! WEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julie,

Gald to hear you are doing better. I must admit, your posts have a completely different 'feel' to them then they did the last time that I posted to you. I sense that you are making some real progress on you. That's great! Keep it up! Your kids need the strong, confident and amazing mom that you are to be there to protect them as WH's life continues to be destructive to them. You are their rock. You are their anchor. Focus on you and them.

Best wishes!

Mindshare

Thanks MS, I appreciate your support and encouragement.

I slipped last night. I admit it. STBXH came over to drop off insurance paperwork for my review, at my request. Only, I made it very clear to him that he was to leave it in the mailbox as I wasn't going to sit with him to do it. What'd he do? Knocked on the door & DS/9 of course answered it.

DS: Mom, Dad's here, can he come in?
Me: No, he just has to drop off paperwork for me.
DS <to STBXH>: She said you just need to leave paperwork.
DS <to me>: Yea, but he'd like to see us for a minute.
Me: I guess so.

DING, DING, DING - what do you mean I guess so?!!?!?

So he sat & BS'd with them for a bit, DD/12 was there & keeping a bit busy, but somewhat paying attention to STBXH & what he was saying. I stayed in the kitchen tending to dinner. Not liking what I'd just allowed OR the disrespect for the boundary I TRIED to set by requesting he leave the paperwork in the mailbox, I knew I needed to do something. So, I did.

Me: OK Dad, bye now, thanks for stopping by.

He quickly left. Grrr

He hadn't physically seen them for a week. I contemplated also calling him too, to say "if you'd like to "visit" with the kids you need to check that with me before showing up at the door & expecting us/them to drop everything for you. That is rude" but I opted not to. I know I burst his bubble a bit by kicking him out before he was ready to go. Baby steps, baby steps.

Minor slip. I am safe. All is well. Need to THINK: boundaries, Boundaries, BOUNDARIES!!!

You did good!

Julie,

I agree with Melody. You did great! Those types of situations are going to continue to pop up. Do your best to manage them. I think you did just fine.

Mindhare

I'm trippin' a little bit here. Let me explain.

Internet @home is not working currently. Was filling out/completing/changing the divorce online thing this morning, and needed to fill in STBXH's address. So, I texted him asking for it. He sent it. It doesn't make sense and confirms my suspicion of an OW even more. Does it matter? No. Will it make me try to bust up the affair, if there is one? No, not necessarily. Why am I trippin' then? Because he could have been honest. This D is best anyway since all other areas of the M were failing, but why would he lie? Is it possible he's really living alone? Yes, but it doesn't make sense.

This address is about the same distance from our home as the one he was in last year (by himself, for sure) but it's in the other direction. It's also in a more expensive part of town. It adds at least an extra 20 min to his daily commute to work. And I'm fairly certain he's not looking for a different job. Going back to the area he was in last year during our separation would have saved him 15-20 min in his commute. It would have made more sense. Unless he was saving so much by splitting the rent.

I'm just sayin'